Punishments, funishments, rules and regulations …

This is a bit of a complicated subject and i’m hoping to get my point across in the most simple of terms. I know there are plenty of nuances here so if i confuse, feel free to ask. i’m not trying to offend anyone but i do have a very specific way of looking at this topic.

Personally i don’t believe that punishments are a very effective way of changing behaviour, they are however an effective way of feeling and maintaining a power exchange relationship. Some people include it in their dynamic and some don’t, the choice is yours and i’m not trying to tell anyone how they ‘should’ be.

To me the way to elicit change is not through punishment but instead through conversation, communication, a deep dive into the action you are trying to change and the real reason why it happens. Are there cycles or triggers? Those are the things that need to be identified before you can start to make a change.

Once you have this knowledge you can then start to put into place guidelines, rules and regulations to help manage that behaviour. Come to an understanding as to why this is important to you and set a goal.

Now many a submissive also tends to be on the perfectionist side. We tend to be very hard on ourselves and expect miracles …. yeah, that’s not how human nature works, is it? Even if you are lucky enough to manage to escape your perfectionism as a submissive one of the worst things that can happen is that you let down your dominant.

When something happens that falls into that category of let down, that’s when punishment comes into play in my view. But not right away! Again communication comes first, explore the why it happened and what if anything needs to be changed to try to manage it for next time. Only then should/could a punishment be considered.

In my experience the effectiveness of a punishment is not to change behaviour but instead to allow for closure and to move forward! It allows the submissive to forgive themselves and allows the power exchange to once again be established and flourish. Many a masochist will tell you that spankings are not effective as punishments and in a sense i agree but when done in this light, well my experience is that it does work.

It’s cathartic, it’s obvious and it allows for the release of the guilty energy so that you can get back to each other instead of away.

… to be continued, thoughts?

Toys

Like many of you we are in the middle of a heatwave. I should be outside taking care of some gardening, we had a big change to the yard recently and an area that was very shaded before is now full sun. Any of you gardeners out there know what a chore that is, to change things around!

But that heat and humidity is keeping these bones inside for now. One big rule around here is that i’m not to ‘over do it’ as the Bear likes to say and He’s already made it a point of saying it again this morning, twice!

So since i’m on the topic of toys …. *grin* I thought i’d talk about another one of our new purchases. This flogger is the furry one i was talking about last time, i thought i’d give you all a better view. i really am enjoying it!

The other is our ‘rug beater’, not a toy to be taken lightly! Our quest to find toys that were impactful but quiet has lead to this one. It has quickly become a favourite for Bear!! UGH

It doesn’t seem heavy and is very easy to swing ….. or so Bear seems to think so, it’s not heavy and so it doesn’t tire you out. Lucky me … *raspberries*

It is slightly more noisy than the cane but not by much. It’s a thuddy sound so it doesn’t ‘travel’ if you too are looking for more quiet toys. Of course that means ‘i’ need to stay quiet too!! Like other toys this one can be made to be thuddy, it has just enough weight for that, but used slightly whip like it can leave a serious sting, and mark!

Like the flogger, the quality is good and the price, fantastic!

I’ve been busy …

Sorry for being away so much, to anyone that might notice, i have found myself very busy even though i’m actually on holiday! Go figure …

I’ve written many a post, in my head, and then moved on to the next thought, and next, and next …. long before anything could be put down on paper!!  The result is i finally have a moment to write and no idea what i have yet to talk about! LOL

Anyway! I have wanted to talk about one of our new toys, the fur flogger. If you recall, i was a bit worried that the fur would be much to ticklish for me and that it would end up on the hard limits pile because tickling is a hard limit for me.

Well …… it ends up that this flogger we have has just enough external leather tails to make it the furthest thing from tickle-y!

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That image is distorted enough that Bear says i can share it! *wink* You can actually see the amount of black, leather tails that are in between the furry ones. It makes for a nice weight to swing with (yes i do know how to handle one as well as enjoy!) and allows placement and strength to be fairly easily controlled.

I was honestly thinking it was going to be more of a sensual toy than an impact one based on how it looks but the truth is that this sucker packs a punch, when used correctly it can do both sensual and impact play and transition rather nicely.

The flogger is nicely made and the bonus is that it didn’t even break the bank!

Seems this rabbit is into fur after all! *raspberries*

It’s for times like these ….

Sometimes things happen that really speak to the power of BDSM in our relationship.

I’m off for a few hours in the middle of my day today and so i’m trying to get caught up on some gardening. It had been raining much too much around here to be able to get anything done. Plants had been bought but sat in pots for some time in need of attention and planting.

Today I have a few hours and the sun is shining so today I planted them! *smiles* Normally Bear and i work together in the gardens, getting things weeded and into pots or the ground, but due to the above mentioned circumstance i am working alone!

As i’m getting things into pots and divided i can’t help but miss the extra pair of hands that are usually at the ready! So far however no triggers have been felt. Eventually i find myself working in areas that are small enough to warrant putting away the trowel and using just my hands to scoop dirt and pack it into the pots. That’s when it hits me …. 

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I’m used to seeing and watching as these big Bear paws move large amounts of dirt and get the job done in a flash as i work behind Him to pack it down. Today however it seems to take many more tiny handfuls! I can’t help but notice how small my hands are compared to Him.

Suddenly i find myself sitting in the sunshine, covered in dirt with my hands in these pots thinking to myself what an odd feeling it is to be okay with that thought! I have a long and complicated history that had taught me to rely on no one and to always strive to be bigger and better than anyone around. Failure was never an option and second place was just not good enough. But mostly if i couldn’t take care of myself i would very soon be done for ….

The idea that someone was bigger and more powerful than me, in any regard, was a very scary place to be in. Dangerous …

When we practice our kinks and BDSM i’m always put in situations where He is more powerful than me, where He holds all the control. Being in that place where He can dominate over me physically and then realizing that i am safe and cared for, watched over and helped to come back down after play has many side effects.

One of the side effects is that i don’t fear being smaller than Him. Instead of what my body and mind had learned for so many years i now am left with the feeling that it’s okay!

It’s okay to be small sometimes because i have big capable Bear paws always on the ready to pick me up and keep me safe. Protect me….

Just thinking out loud today! *smiles*

Happy Tuesday ❤

A couple of weeks ago ….

Not sure why this is on my mind now, maybe because it’s been long enough and i’m now daydreaming while i wait! *giggle*

I remember having Him on top of me, His hand around my neck and one with fingers down my throat. Moving me and molding me to whatever He wanted … i was certainly at His mercy! Enjoying every moment of it, make no mistake about that!

I can always tell when He’s truly in that space, there is a certainty and confidence that simply surrounds Him. His eyes are different, His face is different somehow but no matter how far we go and how hard we play there is one thought that never leaves my mind.

He is bigger than me, stronger than me and He can use me and move me as He pleases. There is no doubt that i have no choice BUT i never feel truly threatened or unsafe. I just know in the back of my mind that the slightest hint of trouble will bring Him straight back to me.

I have a lot of feelings going on at the time, His strength, His presence, His weight. Anticipation and excitement for sure but never fear or worry. No matter what position or predicament i find myself in FEAR has never been one of the emotions with Him.

There is just something unshakable that underlies all we do. Trust …. that’s what makes it all alright.

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New toys are here, Sir!

We ordered them!! *grin*

We’ve been looking at some new toys to add to our collection and dusting off some old ones. It has been an adventure …. re-learning how and what works, learning that some things have changed and according to Sir …..

“I’m glad to see your tolerances haven’t changed”!

laurel___sitting_pose_reference_27_by_faestock-d8ie51vI think three days in and my backside might disagree! *raspberries* I still find myself sitting gingerly from time to time ….. You can stop smirking now, Sir!!

It has been a while since we played this hard, i remember thinking in the shower of all the things i have learned for aftercare in order to avoid bruising (i know, i know … but i don’t like them) and also to avoid paddle rash. THAT is not fun …

I have always been much more into pain play than sensual play but I guess i might be evolving! We’ve ordered a fur flogger!! I admit it was never something i had really considered, obviously doesn’t fit too well into paddles and canes … *chuckle* but we have decided to try it and i’m actually excited.

One of my hard limits is tickling, it makes me feel just awful, it hurts, doesn’t make me laugh at all and honestly my reaction is to *punch*! I can’t help myself, i know there is a name for it although i don’t now remember what it is but some people truly can not handle it! That is me …

So, this will be an adventure for certain. My sides and belly won’t be the first areas to practice on, that’s for sure, but i am looking forward to it. This is definitely new.

The toys we wanted had been unavailable but we found them again and ordered them. I hope this means we are back into playing and connecting like we did before! Trying to mesh the vanilla responsibilities with the D/s feel has been confusing and we are going through a bit of trial and error again.

Certain things just don’t flow like they used to and the Bear needs to sit and talk this through with me but we’ll get there. Half of the fun of the adventure is the getting there anyway, isn’t it?

One thing i have noticed, at least from my side, is that the high level of excitement is just not there, not like the first time. There is no running ahead and falling on your arse when you figure out you’re just not ready. No flying high and then ‘drop’! Now that i’m writing it, i think perhaps it’s just a bit slower than it really needs to be ….. hummm, food for thought there.

The boys used to go out every Sunday night to gramma’s but that was dropped last fall. That might have something to do with it, no set time to foster excitement in the waiting.

Maybe it’s just because all the other aspects have been tried and figured out and really the only thing left is the actual play. The rest of the relationship is like an old comfy shirt … now we’re just looking forward to the times we can get dressed up! *wink*

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Saturday start

My @ss is red, my shoulders are relaxed … floating a bit while i get some breakfast, finally.

Bear comes down from the bedroom of the youngest and tells me he’s already up. He had gone up to wake him and give W his meds.

The floaty feeling now tempered with a bit of responsibility … caution … worry.

I hope he hasn’t heard us, was this a smart choice? I guess we’ll find out soon enough!

New toys are being ordered and i’m tentatively excited and optimistic that we might actually be able to get back into more ‘impact’ in our D/s. *wink*

My child’s mental welfare is obviously the most important thing in this equation BUT i already find myself humming while i run around doing whatever needs attention this morning.

Just a few minutes of this type of connection and we both feel better …. it’s a tight rope we walk these days. It has been for a long while and it has taken its tole on us.

Wish me luck!!! and Happy Saturday … ❤

 

Vocalizing – Relearning how to be His toy.

whisperOne of the things i have to work on, get back into, is vocalizing my pleasure when we are playing or just touching at all. I know this is one thing that the Bear really enjoys, listening to how He’s making me feel and react!

I’ve said before i’m normally very much in my head, it’s how i work. The whole point of doing these things is to get me out of my head and quite literally into His arms!

The more i am vocal and react to His touches the more He does and frankly, the more i get! If i keep my pleasure essentially to myself by not making any noise, He loses interest and play time is over.

We’ve been having more time and more energy so we have been doing more play …. BUT with this cold of mine it has been difficult to make any sounds that don’t come out either a high pitched squeak or a croak!  *chuckle* Not totally sexy!

On a serious note, it has made me realize how much out of practice i am …. i know He likes my sounds and i know they always heighten things for me as well, i just need to get back into the habit of allowing them to come out more quickly. I don’t mean screams, just moans of pleasure will do  …. *wink*

Well, that was fun! Brat-titude …

The weekend has been quite an experience. We didn’t go anywhere and the weather didn’t disappoint, it truly was awful!! There is flooding everywhere we look, the rain was relentless. Never fails to make me feel sore and achy but that is what it is ….

The Bear has been making less excuses and taking more action. I’ve been working on my brat-titude to give Him as many opportunities and ‘reasons’ as possible! *raspberries* Apparently ‘poking the bear’ is just a saying and should NOT be taken literally. Doing so may result in some man-handling and a reddened backside! 😛 LoL

I want to note here that EVERYTHING is consensual and done in play. I am not a real brat for starters so when Bear is done playing He simply says the word and it stops. Secondly, my choice of wording here is mostly to keep the power exchange flowing and make it more intense. Bear would never touch me in any way that i did not want or in this case, promote! *wink* 

I’m enjoying this renewed sense of adventure and energy but i admit it does worry me a bit. I worry that the ‘quiet’ is not as quiet as it needs to be and the ‘hidden’ isn’t as hidden as it should be …. but i need to trust that He’s paying attention and making sure that things are as they should be.

He loves using His hand(s) to make that connection but of course it tends to be a bit louder than what we can really play with and enjoy right now.

He broke out the flogger for the first time in a long time, it didn’t take long and i was already floating away …. it didn’t even take much intensity. My body has a ‘memory’ of times gone by i guess, it fell into the rhythm very easily with Him.

He must have fallen back into rhythm as well, He knew when to stop even though it hadn’t been long at all, i guess He could see it in me. When He touched my shoulder to say ‘enough for now’ i practically jumped off the bed. He brought me back …. the slightest touch and a whisper.

Back to Earth i came, but a feeling of calm has started. *smiles* Let’s hope He can keep us going and safe from eyes and ears …..

Note to self

Do not take out a flogger and start to swat at a Bear …. even if He says He’s ‘stuck’ because He’s gotten Himself into a compromising position on the bed!

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A Bear can move very quickly despite His size and He will magically become unstuck!!

A variety of cane stripes may be the result once you are caught!?!?!?

Even a cute grin and a bunch of giggles won’t change His mind, no matter how much you say you didn’t mean it …… *raspberries*

Or …. perhaps ‘do’ ….. *wink*