Kink or self-harm?

A personal reflection.

I think it’s important to be honest with oneself when practicing certain kinky activities. I have just had to reflect on this topic and I admit that when you are in the midst of subspace it can be hard to tell the difference or perhaps more accurately, admit the difference.

Our kinky life has been taken up a notch, or okay many notches as of late and it has been a wonderful enhancement to our every day life. It has also allowed me to fall deeper into an almost constant subspace. Unfortunately, one of these kinky activities had started to cause some major physical discomfort.

As a masochist the idea of ‘suffering’ for my Dom is a huge appeal however there is a time when the suffering goes from kinky to unsafe or harmful to self.

I’ll spare you the details of the actual kinky activity but as much as my submissive self wanted to continue and please and well, suffer (in a consensual and masochistic way), my adult and responsible self knew it was time to take a break!

In my view kink should not cause real damage to your mind or body. Having also been one to use self harm in the past to deal with my issues I can assure you that there is a very real difference!

So I used my safewords. It’s a very real way for Bear to know the difference between being in the moment, and being in peril. The activity is for now at a full stop, as much as my submissive self might want to continue my reason tells me I should not.

Bear would never allow me to anyway, not now that He knows ….. There will be assessment and evaluation I’m sure and if we do continue in any capacity with this kink it will be well monitored by Him. 🙂

Kink is a fun and healthy expression of self.

Harming oneself is not. Be mindful out there friends.

Blue Trees (a re-blog)

This is a copy and paste from my dear friend, Kitten. Not what i normally post on this site but it is too important not to share! I know mental health has affected my family, support is important.

There is a terrible disease of gum trees in Australia called die back and it is a growing problem in the Australian bush. The remnants stand as silent grey sentinels as monuments to what we are losing. One day I was given this picture of a dead tree with die back and the stark contrast of the bright blue made it stand out from it’s surrounding.

I thought it was a one off, an attempt to jazz up something that simply stood for loss. Something about it was haunting and I had to look it up on the computer and I was shocked to find what it was all about.

There is a group in Australia called ‘Beyond Blue’ that you can contact to get help and someone to talk to with regards to depression. I expect there are dozens of groups like them all over the world.

Now what do blue trees and Beyond Blue have in common? Well it seems, quite a lot. People are painting dead trees blue if they know of someone that died as a result of depression or have fought against the disease. I found it so touching I had to share it with my blogging friends as I know they might find it interesting.

I also think it is such a great cause it might be nice to spread the word across the world.

As this post is so very important you can copy and paste it to your own blog. I don’t need recognition for it.

Depression is a silent killer and the only way to defeat it is by seeking help. Take a stance and vow that not one more person should die as a result of this disease. Reach out to those you think might be depressed and simply say, ‘Are you ok?’

If you, or someone you know needs help, please seek medical help, or encourage them to do the same. I am certain if you google ‘depression’ on your computer you will find help. There will be places you can phone, all you need do is reach out. I believe the Samaritans still have phone lines and help people through a bad time.

Depression is a physical as well as a  mental disorder and you are not alone in this. It is nothing to be ashamed of or something that needs hiding. A problem shared is a problem halved. Look I could quote all of these cliches but it boils down to please seek help.

kitten

A re-blog: I’LL TELL YOU WHY PEOPLE CUT THEMSELVES — INSPIRATION AND EMOTIONAL COURAGE: MENTAL ILLNESS, ADDICTION, AND RECOVERY

No knife play or blood play is one of my hard limits, no question. This very simple quote holds a lot of meaning to me and I think speaks to why experimenting like this would never work for us even though I have been clean for over 25 years now.

The sight of my own blood spilling forth sets me back in control.

The type of ‘control’ I got from it allowed me to shut off and break away from the entire world. ‘The Great Wall of Nijntje’ is what I call it now, I never honestly thought I would get past it, I never really thought I would want to.

I know without a doubt that if I dabbled in blood sports I would very quickly harden my heart again, it’s easy for me and I’m not one to run on emotions as it is.

The only one to have ever crossed the wall is the Bear, the children were born inside so I’m not sure that counts, that part comes with being a mom.

I have a couple of friends and many acquaintances but no one else is inside that wall. I like it that way and I have no intention of changing it. Like I said before it’s part of my personality and I’m comfortable in that, no need to change.

Please do take the time to read the post, it’s very short but to the point. It’s also why I think that if you are or were a cutter, playing with knives is a bad idea. The things it does to your brain are not undone ….

“By now, if I don’t bleed, I don’t feel better. The sight of my own blood spilling forth sets me back in control. I like to think when I cut, “Okay, now all the pain in your head is in your skin.” Once the scratches and cuts stop hurting, I do it again and feel […]

via I’LL TELL YOU WHY PEOPLE CUT THEMSELVES — INSPIRATION AND EMOTIONAL COURAGE: MENTAL ILLNESS, ADDICTION, AND RECOVERY

Demons

If you have paid any attention you know by now that I am very much into Imagine Dragons. They speak to me, on many levels and let me know that I am not alone. I believe the music keeps me mindful and sane.

This was the very first song that spoke to me and I began looking further, I then realized that I identify and relate to every thing they produce. Unlike Pink Floyd their words are straight forward. easy for anyone to follow …

My travels lately have taken me on a trip down memory lane, so I am listening to the song it brought to mind. This one touches on each and every thing I myself have gone through. It’s quite the ‘trip’ to have it so specifically identified in one spot!

And before you ask, no I haven’t gone off to war, but look around, you don’t need to be away to find yourself in the midst of battle and gun fire, and yes I have saved a life in danger. A few over the years ….

A comment I made spoke of the darkness I held deep inside. I didn’t mean kink, not this time. Enjoy ….

Jumping Jacks indeed!

Warning: This is a personal post, trigger warning ….. self harm.

Please note if you choose to read, this is not a social commentary, this is not about dynamics or relationships or play practices. This is mine, my post, my need, my want to rejoice! I’m not even trying to explain my views here …. this is just my win.

Words and choice of subject matter might not be what you are used to here but to handle my demons of the past I had to turn into one h3ll of a tough SOB! I don’t need that part of me now but I won’t hide and I won’t apologize for it either. It’s part of who I am and part of what helped me survive … and all I have to say now is ‘jump M*** F**** jump!’

I’ve been holding on to this post for almost 3 weeks now. Last Friday night I couldn’t sleep once more, not due to stress or anything but I have always had a touch of insomnia since I was little and now with the menoBeast it likes to plague me from time to time, no biggie – just tired! It does leave me much time to think and normally those thoughts end up on ‘paper’ so I can finally get them out of my head. The last one was this post ….

I think mostly I didn’t want to get it down on ‘paper’ because I didn’t want anyone thinking it was about them, it’s not … it’s just me saying a big old F* You! to my demons …. because they no longer own me, they no longer hold any power.

Some of you might know that I have had some struggles in the past and one way for me to deal with the hurt and pain and anger of the sh*t I was dealt was to use self harm, cutting and burning in particular. The cutting used to make me feel like a pressure valve was released, I could inhale, take a breath, the noose was slightly loosened. The other side was the blood, oozing out was like a calming river, taking me into this space in my mind where everything was quiet and peaceful, like a strung out druggie I suppose. Completely spaced out and numb to the world for a while …

Well about 3 weeks ago this happened –

It was completely by accident, and I am not in the habit of sharing pictures of myself but this is just to show the extent of the cut. It’s the first time something like this has happened since I quit cutting on purpose. This is after trying unsuccessfully to stop the bleeding, at first the blood was draped down my leg like a cherry red curtain.

First I was annoyed but my second thought was, uh oh am I going to have any hint of satisfaction or emotional numbness? Is this going to be a trigger for me, am I going to have a taste of what I haven’t done and then want more? Life has been exceedingly hectic lately and stress has not been shy about making an appearance, daily!

To my extreme pleasure I felt nothing!!! That’s right you SOBs of the past, nothing, not one damn thing …. I have been saying for years that I am over you but I have never tested that theory – I guess the universe decided to do it for me! 25 years later … It has been 25 years since I have done this to myself and I felt nothing even slightly close to want or need for it!

This isn’t anything I would ever try just to be sure, it’s like celebrating your 25 years of sobriety with a ‘drink’ to me, but the universe gave me more than enough to prove that this demon no longer holds anything over me, my coin, my token, my 25 years anniversary.

I AM FREE! 

25 years ago when I quit hurting myself I turned to music, lyrics – for power. Most days now I look for happy … but when I look for power and inner strength …. probably not what you would assume! Enjoy ….