Today’s mood – Forget Santa, give the world a gift yourself <3

It’s funny that the more things change and evolve the more backwards we become as a society.

Is it really true that some things will never change? I certainly hope not …. but we have been singing about this for a very long time!

“Philosophers and Ploughmen
Each must know his part
To sow a new mentality
Closer to the Heart”

Do you know your part? It’s the only way things will change.

CLOSER TO THE HEART

AVAILABLE ON A FAREWELL TO KINGS

Music: Geddy Lee and Alex Lifeson
Lyrics: Neil Peart and Peter Talbot

And the men who hold high places
Must be the ones to start
To mold a new reality
Closer to the Heart

The Blacksmith and the Artist
Reflect it in their art
Forge their creativity
Closer to the Heart

Philosophers and Ploughmen
Each must know his part
To sow a new mentality
Closer to the Heart

You can be the Captain
I will draw the Chart
Sailing into destiny
Closer to the Heart

Of Nietzsche, BDSM and lil’Rabbits!

I’ve been reading Friedrich Nietzsche and life is affording me some time to explore and play with my kinky side and so i’ve been musing.

Early into “Thus Spoke Zarathustra”, Nietzsche has his character go into a monologue about the different incarnations of self … more or less. This concept hasn’t left me since reading about the camel, the lion and the child. So many of the visuals used are the very same as the ones i have used throughout my life, and stages too! Reading it has been like ‘coming home’ in a sense, … but onward! *chuckle*

I’m not going into great detail from the book, i know you can all read it for yourselves if you chose, no need for me to ramble on. I am going to muse on how i see it being so in line with my experience of life so far.  😀 And, how it ties into my D/s relationship.

The camel being the first stage, the stage where you carry the load of life, do what’s expected and carry on without much thought or worry of self. You take on the challenges around you and deal with whatever crap gets thrown your way, in my case anyway!

Next stage is the lion, the stage of strength and determination. Where you fight the good fight, find your truth and inner strength and learn how to stand on your own two feet, say ‘NO’ when it’s appropriate, fight your dragon! *smirk* yup, he said that! (Some of you might find this as amusing as i do if you’ve followed a while!)

The next and final stage, the child. The child is important and more powerful than the other two but can not come to be without the others first. The child can make everything fresh and new, “is innocence and forgetting, a new beginning, a game, a self-propelled wheel, a first movement, a sacred ‘Yes’.” The thought finishes with, “the spirit now wills his own will, and he who had been lost to the world now conquers his own world.”

This is all very simple paraphrasing and the story goes on much further and deeper.

What i know is the it matches nicely with the stages of life i have been through and the ‘child’ fits well into what D/s has helped me accomplish. Now i’ve said before that i am not ‘little’, i don’t have a regression or age i like to slip into. I do however have my lil’Rabbit, my bunny.

When all is right with my world i easily find myself in an innocent feeling space. It’s an energy that comes naturally and feels fresh and new and allows for new experiences and new memories to be made. Forgiveness perhaps, acceptance definitely and a weightless way of being, of living without fear, shame or worry.

Now just because ‘bunny’ (Nietzsche’s child) is innocent and ‘light’ doesn’t mean it’s not powerful, because you see it has carried the weight of the camel and faught the fight of the lion. It knows it’s own worth and capabilities and has grown beyond even that, to be strong enough to let it all go and ‘live’.

This part of life i don’t know if i would have been able to achieve without first having the safety of knowing that if i let it all go i was doing it in the safety of having Him watch over me. It came to be from the security of His dominance.

So yeah, just musing on a Monday!

 

Mental Meltdown

It appears I’m full of verb-ology today! LOL

Today has been one of those days, one of those days that I creep deep into my head and stay there.

I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do, I’ve politely asked for exemptions for things I couldn’t do and everything has been ‘even’ and up to snuff and I honestly don’t give 2 sh*ts about any of it. I’m not happy or sad, I’m not submissive or rebellious, I’m just not anything. I don’t really care.

My normal emotional state is monotone …. having ‘feelings’ is work.

I’m not upset or worried about it, I’ll be back tomorrow! Probably, maybe …

 

Little symbolic things

The Bear and I have been bounced around in this roller coaster ride of life for a few months now. Life for me, for us and for the kids has been pretty crazy.

You all know how much I love labels! (Sarcasm, in case you are new.) Well there have been so many names, labels, and words of all types bouncing from side to side that my mind is numb!

Despite the over abundance of names and labels however, the one name I rarely heard was mine, was nijntje! The less I heard my nijntje, the less likely it was that nijntje was going to be standing by and waiting to be lead. I’m not talking days or even weeks, I mean 6 months or more.

You see, when Sir says nijntje I know He sees me, I know He is in the right state energy wise to do what I need Him to do in order for me to be able to follow. No, I don’t have a bunch of expectations when it comes to play, or rewards or doing things for me every time I turn around. I do however need to know that He is paying attention and that I am still on the priority list.

I’ve said before, my level of patience is sometimes more of a curse than a gift. I don’t start to get angry or hurt or worried or upset, I don’t lash out or quit doing or trying my best. No, I just keep on giving, I give and give until I’m running on fumes and then I scrape the bottom to try to give some more. It’s by this point that something might actually come out. When all other options are exhausted and I am on empty.

I am a natural dominant personality in life, when I decide to take on a role, any role in life I won’t give it any less than my best, always and no matter what. This to me is no different. Perhaps that’s why when I crash I spin even further out, because I have put myself out there just as far as far can be. 

Anyhow, lately things have been crazy and I have felt less and less like nijntje and more and more like just me. Me takes care of her own stuff, bothers no one, asks for nothing and picks everyone else up in the mean time. This is where my two worlds collide. When things are going smoothly I can run around in my super cape by day and rest and recuperate at His feet by night. But nijntje was not called on to be or do anything …. so she went away, or considered it anyway.

We have always had a strong relationship, best friends really and always looked out for each other. Sir started getting distant when He felt less than in control, so I gave Him that control. He deserved it, I don’t need it – great fix! right??

Well, almost. As I got deeper into this I found that I could and genuinely enjoyed letting Him be responsible for my needs in other areas too.  These smaller actions are the ones that often get left behind when life gets busy, but these are also the things that I, as a perfectionist, need in order to keep relying on someone. (We’re diving into my psyche here, you might want to jump ship or grab a helmet.)

I can follow the Bear to the ends of the earth and back, I can happily let Him take control of all avenues of life and I will follow any rule and protocol without issue. I will never misstep, I will never misbehave, it’s just the way I am wired. BUT (here’s the thing that you will really get, or really not) if I don’t truly rely on Him then I will forever be ready to step up and take over the second the ball gets dropped. When I’m in that mind-set there is no sub drop, there is no worry or angst or any other emotion that goes along with it. I’m a dominant at heart, I step up and I take on the responsibility whatever it might be. No question, no complaint, no trauma. And never any rest that comes as a side effect of submission.

Patience makes me wait too long to speak up, integrity makes me keep going even if things are no longer even, I gave my word. ‘nijntje’ makes me give it all over to the Bear.

I need to learn to be less patient ….. How often have you heard that said?

** On a side note: The Bear would be better suited with a SAM which is ironic because I’m a smart donkey to everyone else! Maybe I need less patience and less perfection in my life! 😉 *giggle*

Don’t think on this post too long folks, it makes your head hurt, I know! 😛

Jumping Jacks indeed!

Warning: This is a personal post, trigger warning ….. self harm.

Please note if you choose to read, this is not a social commentary, this is not about dynamics or relationships or play practices. This is mine, my post, my need, my want to rejoice! I’m not even trying to explain my views here …. this is just my win.

Words and choice of subject matter might not be what you are used to here but to handle my demons of the past I had to turn into one h3ll of a tough SOB! I don’t need that part of me now but I won’t hide and I won’t apologize for it either. It’s part of who I am and part of what helped me survive … and all I have to say now is ‘jump M*** F**** jump!’

I’ve been holding on to this post for almost 3 weeks now. Last Friday night I couldn’t sleep once more, not due to stress or anything but I have always had a touch of insomnia since I was little and now with the menoBeast it likes to plague me from time to time, no biggie – just tired! It does leave me much time to think and normally those thoughts end up on ‘paper’ so I can finally get them out of my head. The last one was this post ….

I think mostly I didn’t want to get it down on ‘paper’ because I didn’t want anyone thinking it was about them, it’s not … it’s just me saying a big old F* You! to my demons …. because they no longer own me, they no longer hold any power.

Some of you might know that I have had some struggles in the past and one way for me to deal with the hurt and pain and anger of the sh*t I was dealt was to use self harm, cutting and burning in particular. The cutting used to make me feel like a pressure valve was released, I could inhale, take a breath, the noose was slightly loosened. The other side was the blood, oozing out was like a calming river, taking me into this space in my mind where everything was quiet and peaceful, like a strung out druggie I suppose. Completely spaced out and numb to the world for a while …

Well about 3 weeks ago this happened –

It was completely by accident, and I am not in the habit of sharing pictures of myself but this is just to show the extent of the cut. It’s the first time something like this has happened since I quit cutting on purpose. This is after trying unsuccessfully to stop the bleeding, at first the blood was draped down my leg like a cherry red curtain.

First I was annoyed but my second thought was, uh oh am I going to have any hint of satisfaction or emotional numbness? Is this going to be a trigger for me, am I going to have a taste of what I haven’t done and then want more? Life has been exceedingly hectic lately and stress has not been shy about making an appearance, daily!

To my extreme pleasure I felt nothing!!! That’s right you SOBs of the past, nothing, not one damn thing …. I have been saying for years that I am over you but I have never tested that theory – I guess the universe decided to do it for me! 25 years later … It has been 25 years since I have done this to myself and I felt nothing even slightly close to want or need for it!

This isn’t anything I would ever try just to be sure, it’s like celebrating your 25 years of sobriety with a ‘drink’ to me, but the universe gave me more than enough to prove that this demon no longer holds anything over me, my coin, my token, my 25 years anniversary.

I AM FREE! 

25 years ago when I quit hurting myself I turned to music, lyrics – for power. Most days now I look for happy … but when I look for power and inner strength …. probably not what you would assume! Enjoy ….

The mundane – the things that might not fit your definition …

I asked if there were any ideas or suggestions/questions for future posts and I did receive a couple. I will get to them I promise and try my best to explain in a fashion that you can understand. (I’m not always certain I get things across the way I wish too.)

For now I guess I have decided to explain something that I have been trying to come to terms with and rolling around in my mind for a while, which is always the way my mind works, around and around until it is solved … the mundane, everyday facts.

Lately as far as the typical D/s-ish sites are concerned I have been pretty much ‘policing’ myself. I really don’t get told/ordered to do much, if anything. There are a couple of things that are dictated in our mutual agreement but the fact is that if I didn’t make a point of doing them myself I would likely never be asked or found out. There are also a few different rules we worked out some time ago that I’m willing to bet Sir doesn’t even remember. I don’t forget, I have a very good memory for things, too good really because there are things I wish I could forget. (That’s a different blog! ;P LOL)

Sometimes I wish that He would be a bit more active in His dominance but the truth is that He doesn’t feel the need I suppose. He knows He doesn’t need to ask me about every detail because He knows I can’t ‘not’ follow through. If something comes up that hinders the completion of a task I let Him know, always …. having to be in charge of such things is just not necessary so He doesn’t follow-up because He knows He doesn’t have to.

This does sometimes play on my mind and I think it happens to play on the minds of others as well, although I don’t know if their DOMs are in the same situation as mine when it comes to certainty of task completion. Anyway …. it happens and I could choose not to follow through and see what happens. I know what would happen, I always think in probabilities and 5 steps ahead, I would likely get away with non compliance for a very long time until I would likely need to be the one to make it known, fess up! I’m pretty confident that He wouldn’t ask because He really has no reason to believe He needs to, so this makes active shows of dominance difficult to spot, when none are ‘required’ in order to ensure compliance … don’t you think?!?

I suppose He could just do it anyway, as a show of dominance, a gesture meant to keep dynamic. That’s true, but honestly there have been so many other more important things going on around here the putting on a show of any sort is the last thing we have time or energy for. The facts are that when needed His strength and guidance are abundant and when it’s just for show most things have really been pushed aside.

Part of my personality is that I’m INTJ (The Architect) I plan, and focus on all the bits and pieces of things and issues, I make plans as to how best to deal with them and I implement them. It’s my thing, it’s what I do best but it does tend to blur the lines between dominant and submissive in a day-to-day atmosphere. Sir is not this personality type, He’s exactly the opposite of me actually, ESFP (The Entertainer) a perfect complement, but only if you appreciate the differences in each other and learn to communicate and learn from each others strengths.

Examples I think might be the easiest way for me to show what I have been thinking of trying to explain:

I need some self-reflection and quiet time, I was hoping/would like that Sir would take this opportunity to order ‘kneeling’ practice with perhaps some ‘tools’ to help focus my mind more quickly and block the outside noise from creeping in.  The fact is that He has all but forgotten about it – yeah it’s true He’s not perfect and since I don’t act up He doesn’t remember I requested this. Yes I did already talk to Him about it, given plenty of ideas and explained why it is important to me. So far nothing ….

I suppose I could ‘brat’ and get His attention, make Him remember and then have to deal with me and we could both feel bad, OR I could change it from Kneeling to Meditating in my own mind and find the time and space on my own. I would still like to use some pain play to help keep the ‘noise’ out but just to be in keeping with ‘submissive’ I will ask if I can use them for my mediation instead of just doing it. Technically I can touch the ‘toys’ as long as I’m not playing and although this doesn’t really qualify as playing (at least I don’t think it does) I will submit to His will and ask first.

Yeah I know He’s not reading my mind and taking care of my needs without a reminder …. so?? I’m not really the type of person who needs that, I could turn this into a problem or I can find a solution where I can still be respectful and submissive and He can still have final say and be in charge.

When real life is beating the sh*t out of me and I can’t go on is when He picks me up and carries the weight, that’s when He really takes charge and cares for me … so I can do my own meditating! And if He wants me to kneel for Him at some time when He remembers, well then I will do that too!

So tell me all, was this interesting? Helpful?

Happy Mother’s Day Ladies! Hope you are enjoying your days. 😀

Still equal – yup I said it!

Why can’t we say equal and submissive?

Maybe it’s my personality type that is happy to live within apparent contradictions, maybe it’s the Warrior that is every bit as capable or maybe it’s the primal wolf like way that we live our lives and relate to each other.

I consider myself equal, in every way. I don’t see that as a negative, that a woman should be considered equal. Just because I am equal doesn’t mean I can’t choose to follow or that I can not be lead.

I don’t consider myself less than my doctor but I will follow his lead on medical decisions, he is studied in that and I am not. He has earned my respect and therefore I will follow his lead.

Maybe it’s because ‘submission’ is not a need of mine. I am capable and happy to lead in any respect,  I am a natural dominant. I need a partner of equal strength and responsibility and from what I’ve seen a lot of lately I was damn lucky to find one. (No I’m not saying you good guys and good DOMs don’t exist, but you seem to be difficult to find.)

He has His strengths and I have mine but in the big picture we are equal AND I choose to be His submissive because He has earned the right to lead and I am comfortable following.

I am a perfectionist I don’t take excuses, He is a perfectionist He doesn’t make them. If He wasn’t as strong as me than this would all fall apart, if I wasn’t as strong as He I don’t think He would find enjoyment in leading.

I have chosen to follow, He has chosen to lead – it makes us both happy. We are still equal ….

Maybe this is why we never fall in and out of ‘dynamic’. We are not stuck on one definition, one way of being. We/I don’t get stuck on the should I, could I, would I ….  I don’t really care about what would ‘a submissive’ do, I care about what works for us and what needs to be done.

Everyone says something similar I know, but then you feel ‘less submissive’ because you took charge of something that needed doing. I say that if the DOM is happy with it then who cares? It doesn’t make you less submissive, it makes you efficient.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Okay, got about 12 other things now entering my mind so I’ll cut this one off here! LOL

Love You Always Sir ❤

 

BDSM is not a coping mechanism

I’ve read this in the past and just recently come across this idea again and I really have a hard time not chiming in so … here I go again.

I really honestly think that using BDSM as the only way to deal with your other mental and emotional issues, or any sort of M/s, D/s activity, is a terrible idea. I speak from personal experience as someone who has dealt with self harm and other mental health issues and someone who has studied and worked in the mental health field and has family members who still continue to have and deal with issues.

Practicing BDSM releases a variety of chemicals into your system that make you ‘feel good’, there is no doubt about that and the fact is that you can become addicted to and dependent on these chemicals in order to function, but is that really a good thing? Change the addiction to other drugs or alcohol and you know you are just heading for trouble so why would you think this to be any different?

Yes this is just my opinion based on my own experiences and knowledge but to me it seems to make sense to take care of your mental health in such a way that it can be sustained on its own, without these activities to keep you level. It makes me think what happens if and when I can no longer ‘play’ for whatever the reason? Am I doomed to spin out of control unless I find another partner? or another addiction to replace this one with? Is that really the healthiest way to take care of stress and emotional turmoil?

Submissive or not you should be able to stand tall and confident in your own skin, you should take steps to help yourself deal with whatever demons plague you, sometimes even professional help BEFORE you play with BDSM or any other such activity. You should be of sound mind before entering this type of relationship or any relationship for that matter.

A partner, friend or family member should never be made responsible for your mental health and happiness. No dominant can fix your life for you, they may make suggestions, yes call them ‘rules’ if you must but the one allowing it to be so is YOU and the one ultimately doing the work is YOU. So what happens if you find yourself without a dominant? You all of a sudden are lost. adrift, uncertain? You *gave* the power over to that dominant remember? Give the power to yourself …. allow yourself to take care of the issues first, then by all means play as hard and as long as you like, I do! 😉

I can sit quietly, alone in the dark and still be completely content and happy with myself. I can stand tall in the middle of a crowd and not hide. THAT’s why I play …

I’ve had my share of demons believe me, but this is not what I used to be rid of them.

Image result for take care of your own demons

Happy weekend all, take care of yourselves!

Love You Always Sir ❤

Hummm, ….

I’d like to write but I’m not entirely sure what or how to write what I’m thinking that will make sense without writing a book! 😛 LOL

I have a few different things and ideas on my mind but I really haven’t had the time to do them justice. For the most part I will be looking at how I can either work on meditation and relaxation myself in order to better be in the moment and enjoy whatever few minutes of fun life affords us and/or the things I need to ask for in regards to providing me with the time and space needed to get into the right mind space for when time finally does afford! 😀

Confused? I don’t blame you …. tee hee

I have been having a difficult time being able to shut out the ‘noise’ that goes on in my mind lately, or at least shutting it off quickly enough to be able to get the most out of what little bits of play we can get. We haven’t had hours to dedicate to getting me into the right frame of mind to finally be able to float away in quiet bliss for a time so the result is that I’m feeling like I’m in two places at once.

I have a few ideas that I think might work for me and hoping that once I get you started on this path/thought that you will then take it on for yourself. I’m not very impressionable, never have been so I know that this all starts in my mind and works outward from there, what I need to know is how much do you want to be in charge of and how much do you want me to work out?

Would you like assigned tasks and quiet/kneeling/specific pose times, or shall I look into meditation/yoga on my own? Or both …?!?! I don’t think it matters what you call it, it’s all about centering the mind and body. I used to do my own but since I gave over all control I kind of gave that over too …. I’m not getting enough right now so I would like to know how to proceed please?!?

Image result for meditation
Meditation by sunset BY DAN KOSMAYER

Things have been busy and a bit stressful lately keeping me from the strong quiet place I enjoy and with tax season coming up they are only going to get busy again. Focus on where I want to be is only going to get more difficult, I know myself well …. so I thought I should ask first instead of waiting to spiral out of control!

So that is where my thoughts are Sir, the next few posts will likely be in reference to this, unless this crazy bunny brain hops elsewhere of course! There is always that possibility!!

Love You Always Sir ❤