The Bear and I have been bounced around in this roller coaster ride of life for a few months now. Life for me, for us and for the kids has been pretty crazy.
You all know how much I love labels! (Sarcasm, in case you are new.) Well there have been so many names, labels, and words of all types bouncing from side to side that my mind is numb!
Despite the over abundance of names and labels however, the one name I rarely heard was mine, was nijntje! The less I heard my nijntje, the less likely it was that nijntje was going to be standing by and waiting to be lead. I’m not talking days or even weeks, I mean 6 months or more.
You see, when Sir says nijntje I know He sees me, I know He is in the right state energy wise to do what I need Him to do in order for me to be able to follow. No, I don’t have a bunch of expectations when it comes to play, or rewards or doing things for me every time I turn around. I do however need to know that He is paying attention and that I am still on the priority list.
I’ve said before, my level of patience is sometimes more of a curse than a gift. I don’t start to get angry or hurt or worried or upset, I don’t lash out or quit doing or trying my best. No, I just keep on giving, I give and give until I’m running on fumes and then I scrape the bottom to try to give some more. It’s by this point that something might actually come out. When all other options are exhausted and I am on empty.
I am a natural dominant personality in life, when I decide to take on a role, any role in life I won’t give it any less than my best, always and no matter what. This to me is no different. Perhaps that’s why when I crash I spin even further out, because I have put myself out there just as far as far can be.
Anyhow, lately things have been crazy and I have felt less and less like nijntje and more and more like just me. Me takes care of her own stuff, bothers no one, asks for nothing and picks everyone else up in the mean time. This is where my two worlds collide. When things are going smoothly I can run around in my super cape by day and rest and recuperate at His feet by night. But nijntje was not called on to be or do anything …. so she went away, or considered it anyway.
We have always had a strong relationship, best friends really and always looked out for each other. Sir started getting distant when He felt less than in control, so I gave Him that control. He deserved it, I don’t need it – great fix! right??
Well, almost. As I got deeper into this I found that I could and genuinely enjoyed letting Him be responsible for my needs in other areas too. These smaller actions are the ones that often get left behind when life gets busy, but these are also the things that I, as a perfectionist, need in order to keep relying on someone. (We’re diving into my psyche here, you might want to jump ship or grab a helmet.)
I can follow the Bear to the ends of the earth and back, I can happily let Him take control of all avenues of life and I will follow any rule and protocol without issue. I will never misstep, I will never misbehave, it’s just the way I am wired. BUT (here’s the thing that you will really get, or really not) if I don’t truly rely on Him then I will forever be ready to step up and take over the second the ball gets dropped. When I’m in that mind-set there is no sub drop, there is no worry or angst or any other emotion that goes along with it. I’m a dominant at heart, I step up and I take on the responsibility whatever it might be. No question, no complaint, no trauma. And never any rest that comes as a side effect of submission.
Patience makes me wait too long to speak up, integrity makes me keep going even if things are no longer even, I gave my word. ‘nijntje’ makes me give it all over to the Bear.
I need to learn to be less patient ….. How often have you heard that said?
** On a side note: The Bear would be better suited with a SAM which is ironic because I’m a smart donkey to everyone else! Maybe I need less patience and less perfection in my life! 😉 *giggle*
Don’t think on this post too long folks, it makes your head hurt, I know! 😛