He said, no.

I don’t often talk about my chronic issues on this blog, not in any great detail, but today the power exchange and the vanilla world come together in a way that i can’t really explain on the other one.

I have a few things i battle daily and fibro and CTD (connective tissue disease) are only the tip of the iceberg but they have been at me with a vengeance recently and affecting my routine/life! Moving is becoming increasingly difficult and i’ve had to take pain medications which i really don’t like to do.

This gets in the way of my rule of daily exercise. It’s one of the rules Bear has for my own well being and was put in place of my own asking. When i don’t work out i don’t feel well, mentally or physically. Setting Him in charge means i don’t make excuses and talk myself out of it, so i don’t put myself into a dangerous downward spiral. But there is more ….

Setting Him in charge also means that i don’t set myself up for harm. He knows how rough the last couple of weeks have been for me and how rough the last few days in particular have been. When i told Him how i was feeling today He instantly told me ‘no workout’.

Personally i knew i probably should skip today, not only are my legs/knees aching but now my ankles are sore as well. Really sore, and i’ve got bruising that is appearing around my ankles and up that area of my leg. I haven’t hit anything, i don’t know where they are coming from but they are in line with the most intense areas of pain. I was still debating whether or not i should workout ….. i don’t like having to give in. Doing too much has always been a bigger issue for me than not doing.

But He said no, so i’m writing this out, my body is still screaming at me and i’m going to give up typing for now because my legs and lower joints are not the only ones affected unfortunately. But i wanted to depict how D/s and vanilla collide and why they work well together.

He might not be able to do much about my pain but He can keep me from hurting myself further. My submission alleviates my perfectionism, following orders seems to do away with the guilt i would feel otherwise for sitting today out!

 

Still on ice!

I wasn’t going to post this here but since it is an area where normal life and D/s cross I thought that perhaps I should let you see the what and hows.

I remember in the beginning trying to figure out how people came up with rules and why some seemed so strange to me or even unfair at times. The thing is that without all the information you really don’t know the truth.

Outside of your basic kinky rules about orgasms, play etc. everything else I found said you needed to get to know your submissive and what their needs were before you made up rules. Those rules should make sense and be valid in order to be important and followed.

And that’s where it was left! *chuckle* Well how do you go about finding something that is rule worthy? I would say if it’s needed for the health and well-being of your submissive than it is rule worthy.

You know the hidden need I wrote about but if you would like a deeper understanding you can find the what and how here.

As always, no matter what you do it must be consensual.

***** To all of you who have offered support and concern, this might help clear up a few things too. Thank you for all your helpful encouragement, it makes the world a better place to know others are out there who care!  ❤

 

 

Why rules …. in pain … rambling ….

Just a jumbled mess of thoughts today, and hurried at that!

I’ve been working out again like was the plan, I’m feeling great mentally …. I even tried ‘testing’ His resolve of the rule! Eeep!  Hey, i might be a bunny but i’m part human too, what can i say!?!?! LoL

It was a holiday long weekend so my thoughts were that it counts as a ‘weekend’ so no workout required. He didn’t agree *raspberries*, said i was welcome to test ‘my’ theory if i liked and then started to list off possible repercussions for said action, or in this case inaction! …. EVIL …..

I am noticing my knees and wrists are acting up all the time … UGH It could be coincidence OR it could be because of the extra physical activity. I’m NOT interested in stopping so I’m currently trying ice after the workouts to see if it makes a difference. Cross your fingers and wish me luck, please!!!

Working out isn’t just good for your physical health it works wonders for your mental health as well. I haven’t actually changed much physically i’m sure, not since a few weeks ago but there haven’t been any negative comments from me since starting! Not out loud, not in my head and no scrunchy noses when i catch myself in the mirror either.

I haven’t had thoughts of ‘starving myself’ to get what i want either. Anorexia and i go way back ….. she can stay in the past as far as i’m concerned!!

So no, I don’t want to have to stop again.

I like this rule, i like that He’s sticking to it … even when i do get a bit testy …. i like that He’s got my back!

Ayway, done with ice on knees, time to do the wrists, kind of hard to type that way!! 😛 Then shower and work!

TTFN! ❤

 

Submissive training

This is based on my life, my experience and my needs. This is not a step by step manual for anyone else’s life and not a ‘right or wrong’ attempt at explaining D/s either! 

Take it with a grain of salt, use what you want, discard what doesn’t fit for you …

There have been many opinions i have read about how to ‘train’ you submissive. Some are interesting, many revolve around sex and pain play. From how to give a BJ to how to train your sub to control their O’s, never a dull moment for sure! That’s not what i’m going to be talking about though.

If you live it 24/7 like we do you know that your dynamic can go much further than just the kink and sex. Around here Bear has final say in everything, from what He wants to see me wearing, my job, how i take care of myself and yes, sex and kink.

One of the things we ‘trained’ was for me to stop putting myself in peril by doing too much, working too hard. I’ve never given myself a break, in anything, guilt, needing to be always ‘useful’, needing to be ‘strong’, so many words you could use to describe the need to be ‘good’ in order to be good enough in the world.

As things progressed in our D/s and as my health got worse the Bear got serious about my ‘training’, because His main reason for doing this 24/7 is to be able to take care of me, especially when i’m being stubborn about taking care of myself.

This is what my yard looked like this weekend:

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In years past the Bear would have come home every evening to bags and bags of leaves ready to be carted up to the driveway to be disposed of. I spent a lot of time outside and so, why not?

Now a days He comes home to this! On good days we can get the boys out to help, lately hasn’t been so good for that as you can see. This is the third time picking up leaves, i think they’re spent too! LoL

So I make a comment, ‘I can go out and help you’? *big smile*  

‘Oh, you can come out’ He says ‘but if you touch anything to do with leaves and work you will be back inside with a very sore, red @ss.’

*gasp* ‘You wouldn’t! Besides you need help and it’s not fair to have you doing it all yourself.’

‘I wouldn’t humm? Want to try me?’ with a raised eyebrow and no sign of humour this time!   

‘No, Sir.’

There really aren’t many things that He puts His foot down on, I don’t get into trouble and i’m very good at doing what needs to be done anyway. I really don’t need to be watched or managed except for this. And so He does ….

Spankings and play fuels the D/s flames for sure but nothing brings out His dominance and my submission like moments like these.

The moisturizer rule is another one, twice daily. My skin gets very irritated and dry, especially in the winter but it is a problem all year. When i didn’t take care i ended up with a serious case of paddle rash too, even at the lowest levels of impact. Not doing it makes my hands worse and i itch and scratch at my skin until it’s raw and almost bleeding! You could say it’s a problem.

At one point i had told myself that I needed to do it for Sir, after some time of not being able to play much i stopped doing it. My skin paid the price of course so much so that I couldn’t sleep well either. Since sleeping is already a problem on a good day i certainly didn’t need this to deal with!

We talked, i told Him that i stopped because my mind no longer thought of it as a rule and since He hadn’t ever really made it a rule ….. i stopped taking care of myself. Well, you guessed it, it’s a rule now! As much as i enjoy His dominance i don’t want to experience it because i am in trouble.

This might lead to cute stories about chilly nights and pouting rabbits but in the end it reinforces His dominance and fuels His fire. Play or no play, having to brave the cold because He said so makes me feel like His, and cared for.

Another major factor is that i am responsible for telling Him what’s on my mind, all of it. I can’t always tell Him face to face, not right away but i do write it out. i write as though i’m writing a post, or talking to a friend or however it comes out the easiest.

I write my fantasies, i write about how He made me feel and what worked on my mindset, i write what didn’t work and i even write about when i’m feeling let down or unhappy. He made it a rule, so i write ….

I couldn’t do it if He hadn’t said point-blank, it’s a rule. My mind doesn’t work that way, doesn’t allow me to complain or ‘burden’ Him with anything. Especially if that anything is hard to hear or making more work for Him on my behalf.

He says He wants to know and He says there will be trouble if i don’t. Like i said before, i enjoy His dominance but NOT because i’m in trouble. Not real trouble anyway, playful teasing and banter is fun, but this is real. Raised eyebrow real …..

It’s not easy but it’s getting easier and more comfortable all the time. The more i trust Him with all of my thoughts the more dominant He feels and acts, in the real world. He used to be less likely to act in these instances when things got hard in life but now He does it naturally.

He used to be unsure of whether or not i wanted and needed Him to act, but now He knows that if He doesn’t act i will be lost. I told Him so. If He doesn’t catch me, no one will ….

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Is it perfect? No, but for us it’s well worth the effort. It can be tough at times and there are moments of hurt and pain but that is life. No matter what feelings we need to navigate we never feel disconnected or alone.

I’ve rewritten my inner dialog when it comes to the Bear. I never go away from Him, i go to Him. Some days it’s soft and floaty and some days it’s charging and full of fear or anger or whatever, but i still go to Him.

He catches me.

That was my submissive training. Our version of D/s. ❤

Re-Blog: A submissive’s rules and their purpose — Musings of a Chaotic Mind

Not every D/s relationship actually deals with real discipline. Not every submissive wants or needs to be told to go to bed on time and eat three meals a day. The rules you have between a Dom and sub (or any variety of top and bottom) have to be accepted on both sides. A submissive […]

via A submissive’s rules and their purpose — Musings of a Chaotic Mind

As I wrote just a few days ago, we are ‘upping the ante‘ around here now that things have settled down. Part of that is implementing some rules and rituals that we are going to try to use more often out of the bedroom, hopefully not triggering any behaviours in the boys like last time!

I ran across this post and it’s a very well written and timely reminder of how to go about setting those things in place.

The part on arbitrary rules and how the author uses them to communicate feelings and needs when they can’t ‘speak’ them out loud is just wonderful. I thought it might be very helpful for those who also have a hard time communicating when times get complicated and feelings get on high alert!

Do check it out, Happy Saturday! ❤

Sound familiar?

I was listening to the radio the other day and heard a report, somewhat joking, but also with many people disturbed that the ‘soon to be new royal’ needs to follow some rules of manners and decorum, especially when out in public.

Most sounded very familiar!

I had to chuckle, then I asked the Bear ….

‘Are we royals’? *giggle*

Happy Friday All!

Totally Owned

Odd the things you don’t notice, until you do!

I have an appointment today, so I will be driving … already a ‘strange’ occurrence. I work from home and any time I do go somewhere, generally, Sir drives. He either comes with me or drops me off and picks me up, so I don’t drive much.

The thing I just noticed (remembered) now as I’m getting ready to leave is that I don’t have a house key! Yup, I’d say He controls every aspect of my day.

No worries, we have a spare key for the back door in the cupboard. I’ll have to take that one with me and go out the back instead of using the front door today.

Better go ….. !

Raynaud’s and D/s

A little bit ago I was having a short conversation that led to the inclusion of raynaud’s, which I happen to suffer from. Now the conversation was not at all about anything medical but just like in everyday life for me it was something that is effected because of my raynaud’s. The conversation was about cell phones actually!

Shortly into the conversation it was mentioned that perhaps I should write something on this issue since it is not so widely known. I have yet to do that and put it here because well, I wasn’t doing too bad and so ‘out of sight, out of mind’ as they say.

Well the weather has changed and as always my raynaud’s is in full gear! I had been outside for a short while with work and once I returned my hands (and feet) were more or less frostbitten. I had on the appropriate winter attire and I am always careful but the truth is that I normally have very little control over what and where this will be set off!

This is not a picture of my fingers but they could easily be. They stay like that for a good long time and hurt like a bugger. Once they start to warm up they turn red and swollen, feels lovely! (sarcasm in case that’s not clear)

My hands ache and it travels up and down my arms, and it also affects my feet, ears, nose and cheeks (yes both sets!). Trying to move them either when cold or warmed is very painful.

What does this have to do with D/s you ask? Well after works hours I am to be rid of my panties for the evening unless otherwise told. I couldn’t! I couldn’t undo the button on zipper, I couldn’t get my clothes off, I couldn’t do anything! I couldn’t follow the rule …..

No it wasn’t my fault and no it’s not the end of the world but it does play on your mind and becomes frustrating time after time, to have to acquiesce to this darn disease.

There is much more I can say and explain on this and I think I will, but for today I’ll have to stop here. My hands hurt too much, they are still freezing and I still can hardly move them. It effects most of my interactions daily and it’s only December in the Great White North.

And no, I haven’t been back outside today, it happens when I’m inside too!

Happy Thursday Folks! Stay warm.

Toys

Part of our arrangement has always been that at the end of play the one who cleans and puts away the ‘toys’ is me. The Bear will normally return the paddles, floggers and canes but anything that needs cleaning is up to me.

Sometimes things get put away relatively quickly after play and a bit of aftercare and other times I’m so spent and out of it that they wait until morning. The rule is that the toys must be cleaned and put away before I come downstairs to start my day.

Having to crawl out of bed after play and some downtime certainly plays on my mind and maintains the submissive feelings. Sometimes I’m still a bit spacey and don’t really think on it much but other times handling each toy and remembering or wondering ‘which part that was’ plays into the feeling of following and being under His control as well.

Some times I’m so spent that I can barely crawl out of bed to get my night collar placed, on those days the toys stay and wait until morning. The feeling of seeing them again after a good night’s sleep is a bit surreal because that normally only happens when I was ‘floating’ the night before and remembering is almost impossible! It quickly brings to mind the fact that I was completely surrendered and under His control.

When those mornings happen during the weekend I know I will find Him and be able to crawl to Him and be His once more but on the weekdays when He has gone to work this could quickly turn into subdrop! The feeling of seeing and cleaning the toys will quickly put me into ‘that space’ especially when I can hardly remember what happened.

This is more a word of advice for anyone reading, the Bear is very good at keeping in contact with me to be sure I don’t drop. When I’m not working I get tasks assigned that I report on keeping me from coming down to earth too quickly, when I am working I get told to wear His ring with constant messages throughout the day, even if He is busy. He can always find 1 minute to send a note even if He can’t wait around for a response.

Little things keep the flow and stop any bad feelings from forming or taking hold, but that’s another post.

So what about you guys? Who cleans the toys after you play? Do you have a rule? Do you find them to be a trigger like I do? Does it keep you feeling submissive/do you think it would keep you feeling submissive having to deal with them the morning after?

Family, friends and power exchanges.

There are many things in my life that The Bear has taken control of that are not at all sexy or kinky. There are many things that happen in the everyday that I wouldn’t give a second thought to. These things don’t change just because we are out with family and friends. They are becoming more noticeable though as the Bear gets more comfortable asserting Himself, even in front of others!

Now I have always been the fighter, the one who stands up for things and injustices, even if they are just said in passing or as a joke. I don’t let things slide under the assumption that it wasn’t meant that way, a wrong is a wrong and I need to be sure to at least disagree with it lest it appears that I don’t.

The Bear on the other hand has always been the mingler, He stays away from confrontation if possible and prefers to let things that are not so important slide and deal with them if and when it is necessary. He’s the life of the party, he likes to entertain people. The last thing He would have done was ‘start something’.

Not that anything bad happened or was ‘started’ but just to give you an idea of the personality in general. It’s a lot of the reason why symbols and odd protocols are not really His thing, He has no need to stand out and push things like TPE in people’s face, which I agree with. But anyway …..

So Friday night we went out to celebrate a birthday, we had dinner and a few drinks and generally a good time! I was enjoying being out for a change so The Bear said we could stay! As I’ve said before things around here are pretty hectic, stress levels have been high to say the least and being out for just fun was a nice change indeed. So was having a few drinks …..

Some time late into the evening when there were only a handful of us left and the drinks had already been going down smoothly I was asked if I wanted a refill to which a voice from behind me said “No, no more drinks tonight, you’ve had enough”.

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Of course the person asking was still looking at me for an answer so I said, no I can’t have anymore. Someone else says, “who said you can’t have anymore” sort of jokingly to which the Bear replies “I did”.

It wasn’t really a thing and if He had said nothing I would have just changed my wording a bit and the issue would be over but instead He decided to speak up! This is a big change from before and I think He quite liked it!! *wink*

So I guess the conversation went from there something like ….

“I don’t know what’s up with you two and it’s obvious you have a good relationship, you have something going on here even though I’m not sure what. But, if some man told me I couldn’t have a drink I would have two more instead!”

After just a few seconds of reflection ….

“But then again, maybe what I need is a man to tell me no ….. ” hummm

In the mean time The Bear had grabbed me a bottle of water and some ice in a glass, I had another cold refreshing drink with no alcohol and the conversation moved on to other things for a bit more fun.

There were only a handful of us left like I said, we were all sitting around the kitchen island by this point and I know everyone had stopped and was listening. Outside of that one small interaction no one said a word. I’m sure their heads were turning trying to figure this out but I’m also very sure that they all want we have very much.

You don’t need to turn your ‘lifestyle’ into a debate every time you go out in order for people to see it. You also don’t need to take the conversation any further than asked. They know we are up to something by now and they know that it is different but by the time anyone gets around to figuring it all out, if ever, I doubt they will have any issue with it.

We’ve always been different from the rest anyway, we’ve just gone a step further these last few years.

At the rate it’s going, we might just get stuck mentoring! 😛

Happy Sunday!

Love You Always Sir! ❤