Holy Hanna!! I think the world is coming to an end ….

I put that call out to the universe yesterday and today my baby brother emailed me, three times!

I saw him once almost a year ago and 5 years before that!

My youngest has the last week and a half battled some serious medical side effects and in the last two days made all his classes.

Today, tonight he has just told us he would like to go sleep over at a friends. It’s a family we have known and respected for a long time. We have no problem with that ……………… it’s the first time in probably 10 years he has even considered sleep outside of his own home, grandparents included.

I have always believed that we are all connected somehow in our energy ….. but this?

Ssshhhhhh, don’t jinx it!

The back and forth dance.

One of the toughest parts of trying to keep this dynamic, this energy going, is the switching back and forth between life’s responsibilities and focusing on the D/s.

Sure if you are lucky enough to be at a stage in life where there is only the two (or more) of you to focus on then there really isn’t much reason to have such swinging romps! Unfortunately for me, and many of you out there i would imagine, life is just not that simple.

Moving back and forth from a work mindset to a ‘home’ mindset can be a challenge but i have found that having certain rituals in place make that much easier. It’s a transition from the busy, go go go to a more centered and focused approach to home life.

We both decided long ago that by 5:30 pm the world at large takes second place and home and immediate family become the focus. That made the D/s switch in regards to the outside world easy. There is no t.v.no cell phones, no other people interrupting, it’s just me, Bear and the boys pretty much every day, every weekend.

There is where the switch has to happen for me. With the issues we have had to manage in regards to the boys and their mental health being ‘nijntje’ is not always the first thing on my mind, even after 5:30!

All of this i write elsewhere but let’s just say that dealing with these issues and managing life and circumstances that arise from them puts me squarely in the dominant seat, holding the reins and leading the way. Much of that is done from right here in my cozy den. Much of that directly involves the boys, who are also right here ……

Gets kind of hard to just put that behind and switch gears …. especially when at the end of the day i’m not asking anything from the Bear in many cases, i’m telling Him. Just minutes before we cozy up for the night. Without something to indicate a change, it can be hard to just automatically change my energy.

I think most will agree that when it comes to submission much of it isn’t about what you are doing and what you are saying (outside of kink and fun times of course!) it’s about the energy you feel while you’re in it.

I think this part takes self awareness, focus and discipline. And a lucky rabbit’s foot or two  … ! 😉

Is that just me??

From what i understand … explaining needs.

This was something that i struggled with at the beginning of including the dynamic into our relationship. I have always been a dominant person, take inventory and then take charge. I don’t see life as problems and issues i see next steps and solutions, so there is that to take into account.

Having two dominants in this marriage however led to hurt and redundant feelings for the Bear, It also lead to me being overburdened and worn out. The responsibilities were out of balance and so were we. So i looked for a solution! *wink*

It started with me just asking for kink, or more kink. I knew it would at least alleviate some of the stress i was under. I’m a masochist, if it’s not kink it’s something else that i’m doing to push my body, to get the endorphin high, to mellow me out you could say. So adding the kink was the start of the revelation.

It was easy to see how He could take responsibility in those instances, it was easy to feel how some of the weight of life was lifted off of my shoulders! Why not continue that throughout the day? He was obviously much more content having that responsibility, it wasn’t a burden it was a relief to Him to have something He could take charge of and make a difference in my life with. Who knew!?!? *wink*

That’s when the damn fantasy hit! *chuckle* You know the one, He does it all on His own, somehow reads my mind, knows exactly what and how to do things. And WHEN! Lord forbid i be the one to ask or explain, that takes away all the dominance from Him, doesn’t it???

Oh and my favourite, i’m just here for His use and benefit and asking/advocating for what i need and want is just me not submitting. RUBBISH! Back to the beginning we went, in my research that is. In a marriage this seems to be much more of a prevalent idea, at least in my travels. Many of the submissives i talked to were unhappy with their situations but felt that any input from their end was topping. They also felt that it took away from the feel of submission if they were truthful in this way, if they asked.

I admit i fell into this thinking for a short while, and i started experiencing the ebbs and flows everyone talks about. I was even at the brink of simply throwing in the towel and forgetting the whole thing! If you have been around long enough you might remember ….

I started looking outside the married submissive sites, i started talking to people in the lifestyle, some for a very long time. I started to realize that if you get into D/s or M/s from the beginning one of the first things you do, or should do is negotiate needs, wants and your vision of where and what this relationship should be.

You put in the ground work to make sure you are well matched and on the same page with your thoughts and needs. It’s only after that foundation is set that you start experimenting with the lifestyle and with your own personal dynamic. There is a lot of checking in and communicating from both sides in order to get things ‘right’ before finally getting into the ‘fantasy’ that we have in our heads.

So why should i/we do it any different?

I put the idea of topping or thinking that this was somehow ‘less than’ in submission out of my head and i started talking. If submission is putting your self, your soul at the feet of another does that not too include your real thoughts, feelings and needs?

All i know is that we are both content now, and i rarely need to say anything these days. That doesn’t mean i won’t though, i won’t disrespect His dominance by being dishonest, in any way. He’s proven that He can take the best and the worst of me. I’m not hiding anything anymore.

(Thanks for the inspiration in your comments! 😉 )

Blue Trees (a re-blog)

This is a copy and paste from my dear friend, Kitten. Not what i normally post on this site but it is too important not to share! I know mental health has affected my family, support is important.

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There is a terrible disease of gum trees in Australia called die back and it is a growing problem in the Australian bush. The remnants stand as silent grey sentinels as monuments to what we are losing. One day I was given this picture of a dead tree with die back and the stark contrast of the bright blue made it stand out from it’s surrounding.

I thought it was a one off, an attempt to jazz up something that simply stood for loss. Something about it was haunting and I had to look it up on the computer and I was shocked to find what it was all about.

There is a group in Australia called ‘Beyond Blue’ that you can contact to get help and someone to talk to with regards to depression. I expect there are dozens of groups like them all over the world.

Now what do blue trees and Beyond Blue have in common? Well it seems, quite a lot. People are painting dead trees blue if they know of someone that died as a result of depression or have fought against the disease. I found it so touching I had to share it with my blogging friends as I know they might find it interesting.

I also think it is such a great cause it might be nice to spread the word across the world.

As this post is so very important you can copy and paste it to your own blog. I don’t need recognition for it.

Depression is a silent killer and the only way to defeat it is by seeking help. Take a stance and vow that not one more person should die as a result of this disease. Reach out to those you think might be depressed and simply say, ‘Are you ok?’

If you, or someone you know needs help, please seek medical help, or encourage them to do the same. I am certain if you google ‘depression’ on your computer you will find help. There will be places you can phone, all you need do is reach out. I believe the Samaritans still have phone lines and help people through a bad time.

Depression is a physical as well as a  mental disorder and you are not alone in this. It is nothing to be ashamed of or something that needs hiding. A problem shared is a problem halved. Look I could quote all of these cliches but it boils down to please seek help.

kitten

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My needs

In D/s or M/s my needs come before His wants. It’s true, i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again!

I’m not talking about my wants, i’m not talking about spur of the moment impulses (although sometimes that is it) or willy nilly changes of mind or attitude, i’m talking about needs!

A submissive submits because it is fulfilling a need. If that’s not happening than there is no point in submitting, no good reason anyway.

Once my needs are met THEN His wants, needs, aspirations, whims etc ….. then those things come into play. That can happen because i’m in a balanced and happy state, i’m then READY to serve and ready to submit.

Needs change and evolve probably faster than you might think. Some disappear and some get added that really surprise you. This is why communication and honesty is so important.

This is always a good start …. half of the satisfaction comes from learning about these and how to honour and fulfill them.

Food for thought

“There is a vanity in excess penance …. you must have sustenance. “

I think us over achievers and perfectionists would do well to remember this saying. As submissives and dominants alike, beating ourselves up over things that didn’t quite work only damages what we want to work towards anyway.

Look, listen, learn and then move on. Apologize if it’s appropriate but release yourself from the guilt and get back to a happy balanced state.

For me personally this is where any sort of punishment comes in, it allows me to have closure and move on. It’s not about being beat black and blue like some accounts i have read, it’s not about changing behaviour either because frankly it doesn’t work!

It’s about closure, releasing of guilt and getting back to balance. 

Happy Friday! ❤

A Good Woman – (for all you Doms/subs and people in general)

I’m a ‘good woman’, that’s what He tells me.

He says it often lately, again ….

I’m still the same person i have always been, capable of all the good and all the bad at any time. But, for some reason He seems to find it easy to tell me lately that I’m a good woman.

Why? Well because life takes over, it does things and changes things and makes plans go sideways … you know, all the ‘fun’ stuff that can be stressful and irritating. That, that’s what it does …

But me, well, i stay happy and positive and ready to help … or … wait, if that’s what it takes. No pouting, no whining, no issues …. no hard feelings and no sense of being less than.

With all of that out of the way i have no need or want to blame or bicker. But why is that? Am I just a saint? LoL

Remember the few minutes He took with me this morning? The few minutes that meant that i was on His mind and important and wanted?? Yeah, those few minutes … that’s why i can be His ‘good girl’, that’s why i can be patient and wait and not feel cast aside.

It doesn’t take a lot of money or a lot of time. It just takes attention and a moment.

I wrote this about 6 months ago, i couldn’t tell you what ‘the thing’ was that He did exactly because He does ‘things’ all the time. Things that make me content and happy to serve.

I didn’t have the inspiration to finish it then but i think i might now! *wink*

I’ve been waiting and reading for these past 6 months, i’ve been watching what goes on around me and i have more than once thought of deleting this site. i’ve wanted to delete it or change it somehow so that it no longer was a lifestyle blog. No more labels no more submission no more of anything that would identify me with that.

Why? Because i have seen too many people who are being taken advantage of and mistreated all under the guise of D/s or M/s.

Submission is not about letting someone do whatever the h3ll they want and stifling ourselves. Submission is not supposed to feel miserable or oppressive or down right abusive. Submission is not supposed to leave you hurt and broken.

That is not submission, that is not the way a dominant behaves.

No matter what you call yourself or how your dynamic looks the energy and attention needs to come from both sides, all sides, in order for this to work. Blaming and shaming is not D/s, throwing the blame onto someone and beating them down at every turn is not being dominant, it’s abusive!

Now, if for some reason you are someone who has in fact contracted just that than so be it. If you have agreed to be treated this way because it somehow fulfills you than have it it! YOU are not the person i am talking to.

If however you find yourself in a similar situation and it is not what you signed up for than you should speak up. You should never be belittled or punished for using your voice.

COMMUNICATION …. where in there does it say you are not allowed to have thoughts and feelings? To be heard, to be validated and to be honoured for having the courage to share them!!

And one more thing … if you haven’t the tools or knowledge to handle your own immediate house, what the hell makes you think you should be adding to the mess of it all??? If your submissive is not happy and fulfilled it’s not their problem, it’s yours!

Speaking from my own dominant side: If you can’t be around and counted on when the shit hits the fan, what the hell good are you as a dom anyway???

**** In case anyone out there thinks this is about one person and one situation, don’t. Like i said, for 6 months i have read, watched and listened.

I wish i could say this was a one off, but it’s not! It seems to be an epidemic, so please, good and realistic people out there, speak up.  The new explorers, old hats and the rest of the internet need to know. That is not D/s, that is not what we stand for and why we crave it so.

That is not us …. ***

 

 

Tempting, but no ….

This is a mashup of regular life and ‘lifestyle’ post, but then aren’t i always? *giggle*

i mentioned a few posts ago about some of my physical chronic issues and how they tend to affect my life pretty drastically these days. I also just posted about my personality and how that also crashes into the way i feel. Now i’ll try to put into words once again how these things are part of our power exchange 🙂 and most importantly how it keeps me safe and healthy-ish! *giggle*

The last few days have been h3ll on me physically, we spent the weekend working in the yard and trying to get caught up from a less than productive summer outside. The weather has been either too hot and humid or raining, i’ve been suffering because of that and then Bear went and got poison ivy, twice!! And not just a little either, it was a bad case and He had to be very careful not to touch anything green. Kind of hard to do yard work when you can’t touch plants! *chuckle*

So this weekend we did lots of work and my body was already paying the price, then there was the birthday get together that had me running to clean house while working and running boys around. Even just driving is hard on me when i get like this.

By the end of that day i was completely exhausted, and the weather changed …. the heat and humidity came back with a vengeance.  I still had running to do with the boys and of course work! By yesterday afternoon i could barely stand and i’m not one to give in to my aches and pains. My body so tired and beat up went into recovery mode. i have had to fight a fever the last few days, yesterday afternoon it caught up with me! OYE

Just as soon as everyone left i changed into comfortable clothes and sat on the couch, didn’t take long before i just had to lay there …. my head, my stomach, my body ….. everything was off and i just had nothing left. Bear was running to help the kids and my brother and then came home to a zombie bunny! LoL b9519-picture3

All evening i rested and and all night i tried too. Tylenol for the fever and sleep …. many hours later i’m not feeling too badly today! yays!!

It’s tempting to get back at it, there is always lots to do and of course the boys. I still have work today but my work day is broken into morning and afternoon hours with a large break in between. My mind instantly starts to list what i need to be doing and then i see it …

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Yeah, so i’m sitting here typing instead. I’ll run the youngest to and from school and for lunch, i’ll try to get my workout in because it’s good for me mentally and physically and i’ll maybe do some light tidying up. Besides that i’m going to take lots of breaks and just rest. i feel better, i want to stay that way and i know He wants that too.

It’s not about any punishments that He might decide on, He’s very lenient or maybe i’m just that good! *raspberries* It is about the fact that i know He won’t be happy, He will be disappointed and now a days He will tell me.

That’s worse than any punishment He could come up with anyway.

He’s always in my head. He’s always watching ….. He’s my dominant.

 

It’s not always the what, it’s the why! And it’s always about perspective.

Just because someone is a dominant doesn’t mean that they always get it right. Sometimes they get it wrong and this weekend Bear completely misread the situation!

This post isn’t about complaining and it’s not about getting co-misery either, it’s about understanding and perspective. Just because i’m completely content in my dynamic doesn’t mean it’s perfect. It doesn’t mean that nothing ever goes wrong, it means that i’m content in spite of the fact that things DO sometimes go wrong. I’d like to share with you why/how that works for me.

Bear has done something that i really don’t like, it goes completely against my character and He may not realize, but it’s actually something i much prefer to avoid, at all costs! People-ing! And especially when the people-ing is in my regard AND as a result of a forgotten birthday!

His mom and dad are always on the ball with occasions and they have never failed to share love and affection with me. I am very lucky in this family dynamic and there isn’t a day that i don’t appreciate it BUT as luck would have it there has been a lot going on this year and they forgot. And i was relieved …. *sigh*

I hate being the center of attention and i would rather have less gatherings than more in my life. It’s not about the people coming it’s about me. I get exhausted having to deal with people, even the most pleasant and loving ones …. it’s just who i am. It’s not anxiety either, i’m just that much of an introvert!

Well, once Bear figured out that they had forgotten He texted them a reminder. That led to a very apologetic phone call and now a coffee and tea date, tonight!

I/We have spent the entire weekend outside getting caught up on yard work. The house hasn’t been touched and not only that it’s been made messier with the dust and dirt we brought in. My chronic issues make it that i’m very sore and exhausted today and now i have a house to clean.

I’ve had work a few hours this morning and i have a couple more hours of scheduled work this afternoon. The house needs to be cleaned, dinner prepared and my kids run around town here and there ….. Somehow i’m going to be ready for visitors tonight …. OYE!

I could be totally b*tchy about it, i could be p*ssed that i’m in this situation and that He didn’t give me any thought. It would be one valid course of thinking i suppose, but i’m not. I know He didn’t do it because He wasn’t thinking of me, He did it because He was. He wanted to make sure i was seen and appreciated on my day and i know that. He also knows that His parents would feel just awful if they did somehow miss it entirely and He was looking out for that as well.

I get it ….. i just don’t like. I have told Him how i feel and why. Now it’s time to get my bunny butt in gear, because i have company coming tonight and i still have lots to do!!

It’s not the what, it’s the why …. and what perspective i choose to follow!

Hopefully i can get rewarded with a short flogging session later tonight, to ease my aching body!