Ask …. it’s okay!

One of my favourite sayings is ‘get over yourself’, if it’s not falling out of my face you can bet it’s on my mind! *chuckle* I don’t say it often, not really, but boy does that record play over and over in my head.

Well, this weekend I plan on using that saying, with myself! *wink* It’s time and I need some fun. I need to get some relief so that getting back ‘in the game’ isn’t so daunting!

Funny how hard it is to ask for what you want, just ask. Put is out there, see what happens.

It seems to get all mushed up with the ‘no, that’s topping’ idea. It does for me anyway. Always the same thing, ‘you can’t just put toys out, that’s topping’. ‘You can’t just ask for some impact, you can’t just grab the cuffs and present them to your Dom’ …

Oh no, no, no …. making clear what you need is topping, you need to wait until they figure it out, find the time and opportunity hidden in plain site that they just missed but you saw.

These are the times that my personality and my lifestyle collide. I’m the planner, I’m the one who sees every opportunity, I’m the one ….. we all have our strengths and this is one of mine.

Can’t just be upfront and say ‘hey, look at that, we have a moment, can we make use of it? And this flogger’??

Yup, using my favourite saying on myself this time. Getting over myself and just putting it out there. I need to get this momentum going in the right direction. Too much nothing is just too much! Sex alone doesn’t do it for me …… I need more.

It will need to be quieter play, I will need to be quieter …. could be an adventure there!

I’ve never been one to give in! *wink* So here we go ….

Better hang on to your socks, Sir! I know you’re working the weekend, I’ll make the coffee extra strong! *giggle*

Happy Friday! *wink*

 

 

 

Having a dominant brought back my innocence

Before D/s, before Sir … all my life was planned and thought through and analyzed. Nothing was spontaneous, every move, every sentence, everything was done only after all avenues had been thought through and considered thoroughly!

The danger of leaving yourself vulnerable was everywhere and any slip was rewarded with serious and hurtful repercussions. As a result, nothing was left to chance from a very young age. Nothing was done innocently, I couldn’t take the chance. Both of my parents would be considered narcissistic and then some serious mental issues compound that problem, so child hood was ‘interesting’.

It was about the same time as the warrior was born, my earliest recollection would be about the age of 4. I met the Bear when I was about 21, so I had had lots of practice.

When we were first dating I had already felt the beginnings of being open and easy with Him. There was still a long way to go, I came to find out, but it was there. It was fun, I was happy and very at ease, something that I wasn’t used to but I wasn’t about to let it go. It didn’t happen anywhere else mind you, no one else got to see that side of me, the fun easy-going side was well hidden away.

That might be a bit misleading, I’m not saying I wasn’t fun and seemingly at ease with others. I was, or so they thought, but for me everything was planned ahead, future conversations, dances and ‘surprised’ faces …. yeah, never surprised, never happened. I am too good at reading people and seeing the truth, I almost always know exactly what’s going to happen and pretty much when. It’s part of my unusual personality type I came to find out, but that’s another post. *chuckle*

Anyhow, the fact that He was already taking care of me made my ‘bunny’ self start to come out to play. I felt safe and cared for very early on that’s why I married Him in the first place. This type of relationship is the only one I know, even if I didn’t have a label for it, the connection was needed in order for me to even begin to move forward.

As the kids came along things got busy and complicated but we’re back and stronger than ever. *grin*

Over the last 23 years I have watched and learned from the Bear that some people can be trusted. I have learned that it’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay to rely on others for support. What!?!?! *wink* I have learned that letting others into my space can be okay and slowly but surely I have gotten more and more comfortable with people in general.

I was never a hugger, I didn’t even allow people within a few feet of my person, I would move or have them move. A certain energy can make people back up quickly, even if they don’t know why they feel the need! *wink* Over the years I have become more comfortable with touch.

(One of the reasons we had to get into this dynamic BTW, after years of kids and taking care of life the Bear didn’t realize I needed His touch. No one else was allowed, he thought it was like that with Him too … I know I’ve written about this too, some where.)

Anyhow, all the ‘fun’ and ‘friendly’ other people saw from before was staged. No one got past the first layer of this warrior, no one was needed anyway. My being a very private person with a very small ‘friend number’ made that super easy. Not too much of that has changed BUT it’s my choice and I can open up with those I choose.

I understand myself, especially after finding my personality was actually a ‘thing’ and I understand the Bear’s as well and the way I can learn from watching and practicing.

I have learned that it is okay to ‘give’ and have it be appreciated and even reciprocated.

I have learned that some people are good and that I actually can be appreciated for just me. Not having to do or plan or take care of things. Not having to manage or watch over or take control of things. Not having to ‘work’ in order to be there, not being taken advantage of … I guess that’s the thing I’m trying to put into words.

I can say no when I just really can’t or shouldn’t and it’s okay. I deserve to take care of *me* too and others will still appreciate what I have to bring to the table, even if I do ‘sit one out’ in terms of their needs. Whoa … mind-boggling indeed.

I’m worth just being.

With all of those layers removed I can just be happy. I am free to do things just because and I’m free to enjoy every single moment in life. With all that ‘stuff’ off my back I feel much lighter, much more open and care free. I feel like His bunny.

*** Something to note in all of this, I have also accepted myself enough through personal work to accept and distance myself from the toxic people in my life. I keep good track of what’s going on and with His new-found ‘title’ the Bear feels free to tell me when it’s time to stop or walk away.

If the guilt and responsibility starts to pull me back I know to fall into Him. He will keep me safe and sane. The second I start to feel the walls building I crawl onto Him, it signals a need to Him and it triggers my bunny for me.

There is no longer a need to be strong on my own, I have the Bear. The key is to catch it as soon as it starts and then follow through. He might not always ‘see’ it, I have a great poker face, but He can’t help but feel me burrowing in. ***

The short of it is that He makes me comfortable enough to feel small and unarmed. I know that He likes it that way so I don’t sit back and wait for Him to catch on, I find Him and just hold on. He takes it from there.

I hope these trains of thought make sense. It’s hard for me at times to put into words all the ideas that run through my head simultaneously. I’m open to any questions or comments! 

 

Submission builds strength

I read this blog post a little bit ago and I really wanted to use it as a jumping point for my own revelation years ago. 

I can’t place the next memory on my submissive timeline, aside from it being before the next phase of my life. It is one of the most important lessons I had to learn in both my kink and vanilla life. The memory of asking Sir for help when I was at my most vulnerable still […]

via Sometimes asking for help is the bravest move you can make. — A Leap of Faith

Much like this story describes, one of the most powerful lessons that I have learned from submitting to the Bear is the strength that there is in asking for help.

My life has never been an easy one. Many years ago, before I had a choice, I was left to deal with many domineering and even narcissistic characters. I was too young to do anything about it, but I was already wise enough to know it wasn’t right and that I deserved better.

As time passed and experiences molded me into the person I was to become I learned that the only way to be certain you didn’t get abused or let down was to rely on no one. I’ve tried to live my life to be the best person I can be and I have always endeavoured to do the best I can for others. I’ve always tried to be the person others can rely on for help and guidance BUT I have never relied on anyone else myself.

The Bear and I have always had a wonderful marriage, we have always gotten along well and held each others best interest as the priority but what I could never do was ask for help …. a by-product of my youth.

Deep down I understood asking for help as failure, a short coming, making me weak. Asking for help when I was a child led to ridicule or worse, ammunition for a future date, and they were ruthless and relentless. I didn’t view it that way when others asked me for help but that awful nagging feeling for myself just wouldn’t be shaken.

So, as we learned and played and got deeper into BDSM, our communication had to become deeper and more specific. When you are blindfolded and tied up and asked to do something you just can’t manage you have no choice but to ask for help. You have no choice but to admit when something is not right or when you simply can’t go on alone …

Speaking up and asking became a natural thing. After a few times it became obvious that I wasn’t any less strong in his eyes, it became obvious that He didn’t hold any less respect for me and it became obvious that I wasn’t any less independent or self-sufficient!  Well I’ll be ….

What DID happen was that I learned I had someone I could count on, for ANYTHING, in my corner. I learned that I didn’t always need to be strong, and wise, and right, and at this thing we call life ALONE! I learned that I could maintain my respect even though I asked for help. I learned that He wouldn’t ridicule me and He wouldn’t use it against me in my weakest hours … I learned to trust.

Since then I have learned to trust humans just a bit more. I have learned that even I can ask for help, and as a result I haven’t been made weak, I’ve become even stronger still.

I’ve always been strong alone, but now ….. now I’m never alone! For someone like me, to really truly know this and feel it is huge!

Asking for help doesn’t make me weak, it’s empowering!

Love You always, Sir! ❤

Me on ‘chastity’!

I’m a masochist, a proper orgasm usually involves some decent ‘play’! Time and opportunity have been lacking to say the least. I find in myself that there are different intensities or orgasm that I can achieve, the most common are the ones that I would equate to the male ‘ruined orgasm’. It’s there and it’s good but it is in NO WAY the final step. It leaves me still just as ready and willing to continue, maybe even more so.

I have read accounts of female submissives that are left needy and wanting and more than happy to chase after their man time and time again due to edging and denial. I would say that’s what these ‘ruined orgasms’ do for me. Tease and denial brings out the kick ass warrior who doesn’t take prisoners, as in the above video! 😉

This hasn’t happened on purpose, again, but I find myself once again testing the theory and once again down the same road. I’ve been hurting like an SOB, I haven’t had any real play time in what seems like forever and even the orgasms in between have been nonexistent. It’s been 3 weeks? 4 weeks? I really don’t know but I know it’s been a while.

I’m completely losing interest in sex and play and spankings …. I’ve got the flash of lightning in my eyes and I’m striking hard! My strikes are strategic and true and they bring down the strongest of men ….

Don’t they, Sir?

I’m not whiny or bitchy, loud or nagging. I don’t do anything that would be considered trouble, oh no! I’m straight and true and real. I hit hard and fast and there is nothing you can dispute or argue. Measured, calculated ass kicking ….

The sexual well-being of this bunny has been slacked on and the result is not a favourable one, at least I certainly don’t think so.

Sexual frustration doesn’t make me more ‘submissive’, it makes me want to punch a hole in the f’n wall! Literally, and it wouldn’t be the first time ….

Chastity? NO THANK YOU! I believe you have some catching up to do, Sir.

I might not have the opportunity for the perfect scenario but I’m sure there are lots of other things that can be done. ‘Small’ orgasms are better than no orgasms, unless you like this result? You’re the Boss ….

 

 

A re-blog: I’LL TELL YOU WHY PEOPLE CUT THEMSELVES — INSPIRATION AND EMOTIONAL COURAGE: MENTAL ILLNESS, ADDICTION, AND RECOVERY

No knife play or blood play is one of my hard limits, no question. This very simple quote holds a lot of meaning to me and I think speaks to why experimenting like this would never work for us even though I have been clean for over 25 years now.

The sight of my own blood spilling forth sets me back in control.

The type of ‘control’ I got from it allowed me to shut off and break away from the entire world. ‘The Great Wall of Nijntje’ is what I call it now, I never honestly thought I would get past it, I never really thought I would want to.

I know without a doubt that if I dabbled in blood sports I would very quickly harden my heart again, it’s easy for me and I’m not one to run on emotions as it is.

The only one to have ever crossed the wall is the Bear, the children were born inside so I’m not sure that counts, that part comes with being a mom.

I have a couple of friends and many acquaintances but no one else is inside that wall. I like it that way and I have no intention of changing it. Like I said before it’s part of my personality and I’m comfortable in that, no need to change.

Please do take the time to read the post, it’s very short but to the point. It’s also why I think that if you are or were a cutter, playing with knives is a bad idea. The things it does to your brain are not undone ….

“By now, if I don’t bleed, I don’t feel better. The sight of my own blood spilling forth sets me back in control. I like to think when I cut, “Okay, now all the pain in your head is in your skin.” Once the scratches and cuts stop hurting, I do it again and feel […]

via I’LL TELL YOU WHY PEOPLE CUT THEMSELVES — INSPIRATION AND EMOTIONAL COURAGE: MENTAL ILLNESS, ADDICTION, AND RECOVERY

My favourite time of day ….

I think some of the most telling things about a relationship might not be the things that people would normally think of. Since I’ve been on about communication lately my brain just took it a bit further.

One of my most favourite part of the day(s) is when Sir comes in excited to tell me about something He heard, or something He saw or found funny. His enthusiasm is obvious and energy is high and all He wants to do is share it, with me … *smiles*

‘Date nights’ are planned and nice but you are ‘thinking’ and hopefully on your best behaviour. Sex is well, sex …. I would say most people enjoy that.

Kisses – hello, good-bye, good night are sweet and a great indication of affection but they can become automatic, like driving, you just do it. (Maybe my personality profile showing a bit here.)

Sharing your excitement, your thoughts and ideas and your good mood, now that is something you do with someone you WANT to be with. Someone that means a lot to you, someone you really want to spend your time with. THAT you do with your best friend ….

So when that enthusiastic happy Bear comes bounding into the room just to tell me what He found …. That’s when I know He doesn’t just ‘love’ me, He LIKES me too! *wink*

Happy Hump Day!

The old switcheroo and I was right ….

I’m not entirely sure what this post is going to end up like, I normally save this kind of ‘brain down load’ for else where but I think this one might involve some kink and sex issues so it’s probably best here.

First off, Sunday night was a bust. It did not go well and He did just what I expected, nothing. After so long of ‘nothing’ I’m not entirely sure I want anything, truthfully.

A while ago i wrote about chastity and it not being a thing for me, well i was right. I haven’t had any ‘fun’ for myself in quite some time, i find i’m not really sure i care to right now. i find myself less and less turned on all the time, being touched doesn’t have the same effect on me as it did before. When things are ‘right’ the simplest of touches gets me just about over the top, now, well now i don’t seem to be reacting physically or mentally in any sort of sexual way. i’m getting to the point that i’m just pushing it out of my head and not even craving much of anything ….

The impact play, kink and spankings are all a thing of the past and i’m finding myself less and less drawn to it all the time. Out of sight out of mind as they say. i’ve had half a mind to simply empty the kink drawers and throw the whole lot away!

i know things are stressful and time is at a premium but there are things that could be done, and none of it is happening. None of it happens unless I start it, so what’s the point?

Everything in life is still the same, when it comes to daily things and over all strength He still takes the lead but sex …. well, honestly, it sucks! It’s not about me, it’s not about exploring my body and seeing what makes it tick. Frankly, it’s not satisfying …

The switcheroo? The kids have switched places, the youngest is now in school, half day anyhow, and the oldest has once again been pushed out. I’m not about to let him sleep all day so I get him up in the morning anyway. The result? No free time for me, no alone time, no privacy. I only get 2 days a week to play with now as it is but that has been taken away. Last fall i decided to take 6 months off to take care of me, i ended up getting a couple of weeks of 3 days to myself between 9 and 2. That’s all ….

The plan was to work on my physical health, take care of well over due doctors appointments, get back to working out and building strength (however much i can) and to play ‘make believe’ during the day where i could be His little submissive girl, waiting and responding to His every beck and call. A mental ‘break’ from the everyday. None of that happened …

Our kinky time is less and less, i’m not sure He’s much interested in it either. He certainly doesn’t make it a point to try and work on. i’m a pragmatic person, if there is no chance of something happening i’m not setting my sights on it just to be disappointed. For starters that’s simply not the way i work, i’m not an emotionally driven person. Secondly, the rest of life is so full of issues to be dealt with that stressing over a fantasy is simply a waste of time and effort. A waste that I can not afford.

To just add to the pile and put it over the top, my night sweats are back. Sleeping has always been an issue for me but now even if I do get to sleep i get woken up in a puddle of sweat or simply over heating. Do you know what lack of sleep does to a person? It’s not good.

Physical pain (not play related), night sweats, lack of sleep and no spankings or impact play to alleviate stress. No orgasms and no fun sex. Not cuffs or leashes and even the kinky ‘rules’ we had seem to be on hold. A ‘sexual submissive’, at this time I am not ….

I find myself getting short with the oldest, i do catch myself but i don’t like it. I also find my silly, fun and goofy side has taken a back seat, it’s all business, all the time.

Perhaps I should finally stop dragging my feet and take up kick boxing …. I have wanted to for some time but we had found other things to calm the savage beast that lives inside! *wink*

Whatever it takes …. because i love the adrenaline in my veins!

Mental Meltdown

It appears I’m full of verb-ology today! LOL

Today has been one of those days, one of those days that I creep deep into my head and stay there.

I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do, I’ve politely asked for exemptions for things I couldn’t do and everything has been ‘even’ and up to snuff and I honestly don’t give 2 sh*ts about any of it. I’m not happy or sad, I’m not submissive or rebellious, I’m just not anything. I don’t really care.

My normal emotional state is monotone …. having ‘feelings’ is work.

I’m not upset or worried about it, I’ll be back tomorrow! Probably, maybe …