Today’s mood – Forget Santa, give the world a gift yourself <3

It’s funny that the more things change and evolve the more backwards we become as a society.

Is it really true that some things will never change? I certainly hope not …. but we have been singing about this for a very long time!

“Philosophers and Ploughmen
Each must know his part
To sow a new mentality
Closer to the Heart”

Do you know your part? It’s the only way things will change.

CLOSER TO THE HEART

AVAILABLE ON A FAREWELL TO KINGS

Music: Geddy Lee and Alex Lifeson
Lyrics: Neil Peart and Peter Talbot

And the men who hold high places
Must be the ones to start
To mold a new reality
Closer to the Heart

The Blacksmith and the Artist
Reflect it in their art
Forge their creativity
Closer to the Heart

Philosophers and Ploughmen
Each must know his part
To sow a new mentality
Closer to the Heart

You can be the Captain
I will draw the Chart
Sailing into destiny
Closer to the Heart

It’s not always the what, it’s the why! And it’s always about perspective.

Just because someone is a dominant doesn’t mean that they always get it right. Sometimes they get it wrong and this weekend Bear completely misread the situation!

This post isn’t about complaining and it’s not about getting co-misery either, it’s about understanding and perspective. Just because i’m completely content in my dynamic doesn’t mean it’s perfect. It doesn’t mean that nothing ever goes wrong, it means that i’m content in spite of the fact that things DO sometimes go wrong. I’d like to share with you why/how that works for me.

Bear has done something that i really don’t like, it goes completely against my character and He may not realize, but it’s actually something i much prefer to avoid, at all costs! People-ing! And especially when the people-ing is in my regard AND as a result of a forgotten birthday!

His mom and dad are always on the ball with occasions and they have never failed to share love and affection with me. I am very lucky in this family dynamic and there isn’t a day that i don’t appreciate it BUT as luck would have it there has been a lot going on this year and they forgot. And i was relieved …. *sigh*

I hate being the center of attention and i would rather have less gatherings than more in my life. It’s not about the people coming it’s about me. I get exhausted having to deal with people, even the most pleasant and loving ones …. it’s just who i am. It’s not anxiety either, i’m just that much of an introvert!

Well, once Bear figured out that they had forgotten He texted them a reminder. That led to a very apologetic phone call and now a coffee and tea date, tonight!

I/We have spent the entire weekend outside getting caught up on yard work. The house hasn’t been touched and not only that it’s been made messier with the dust and dirt we brought in. My chronic issues make it that i’m very sore and exhausted today and now i have a house to clean.

I’ve had work a few hours this morning and i have a couple more hours of scheduled work this afternoon. The house needs to be cleaned, dinner prepared and my kids run around town here and there ….. Somehow i’m going to be ready for visitors tonight …. OYE!

I could be totally b*tchy about it, i could be p*ssed that i’m in this situation and that He didn’t give me any thought. It would be one valid course of thinking i suppose, but i’m not. I know He didn’t do it because He wasn’t thinking of me, He did it because He was. He wanted to make sure i was seen and appreciated on my day and i know that. He also knows that His parents would feel just awful if they did somehow miss it entirely and He was looking out for that as well.

I get it ….. i just don’t like. I have told Him how i feel and why. Now it’s time to get my bunny butt in gear, because i have company coming tonight and i still have lots to do!!

It’s not the what, it’s the why …. and what perspective i choose to follow!

Hopefully i can get rewarded with a short flogging session later tonight, to ease my aching body!

i close my eyes

when i’m most submissive, i close my eyes

it might be an ‘artsy’ thing, and yes i use that term gratuitously

my creative self is the one i hold most dear i think …

because it’s the one that speaks to the heart of me

the part that still has hopes and dreams

… so like most artists when they speak, i close my eyes ….

when i let you see me like that, that’s when i’m the most vulnerable

the most submissive;

because that’s when i let you see ‘me’

that’s when i’m NOT on the look out

Just like this …..

~Cheers!

I don’t always like His decision.

It’s funny, sometimes the way things work out.

I’m a thinker, I always have been, my mind doesn’t stop for a minute normally, it’s how I’m built. Most people will tell you the same thing but it’s not the same. It’s even more than the ‘normal’ over thinker.

My oldest son shares this with me, he also likes to research these things, i think he is trying to understand himself … there is a name for it, it’s in about less than 2% of the population.

The point, I’m always thinking, i always have a plan, the answer, the way of doing things, all figured out in advance of even being able to speak the ‘issue’.

So when He’s in charge, He doesn’t always do things or decide things in the way that I have already figured out! *wink*

Most often things are discussed and decisions are come to together because being the dominant doesn’t mean being the only one who weighs in on what’s needed or appropriate. We might be in a power exchange relationship but we are partners in life. This type of relationship doesn’t absolve me of all life responsibility. Anyway ….

Sometimes, like earlier this week, the decision really is all on Him. It doesn’t happen as much as what you out there might think. Not on the big things, the things that really affect our family or our dynamic, because let’s face it, i’m part of that too. But sometimes the decision really is unilateral …. and when it’s not what i thought of it does catch me off guard.

So, sometimes i don’t like the decision He has come to, even for just a moment – but there is always a feeling of relief and an almost obvious weight that gets lifted off my shoulders.

…. and just for a moment, my mind slows down …..

Why do i let Him lead even when i don’t always like the answer? Because it feels good, because it gives me space to breathe.

Weird Space

I’m feeling a bit ‘off’ today. Feeling like i’m not really here!?!? Does that make sense to anyone….

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I’m walking around in almost a daze, just doing things, whatever needs doing but not really focused.

I wish i could say it’s just that my mind is elsewhere but my mind is always elsewhere!

Trying to do all the things that are supposed to be ‘submissive’ but i am certainly not feeling it. I’m just floating along, letting time and life pass by. Not feeling particularly D/s lately … whatever that’s supposed to be. Not sure i care, that’s probably the most pressing part. Not in a bad way, it’s not a ‘new’ thing so it hasn’t been in the ‘oh wow‘ state for a long while.

It’s just an odd state ….. i’ve been doing all these things since the beginning of time anyway … the only difference is this collar and these cuffs. I’ve never been one for symbolism although i know He likes it/them.

My leather night collar is getting tangled up in my hair now that it’s longer. That’s kind of annoying … anyone else experience that? Anywho…

I’ve made the bed and tidied the room. The kitchen is mostly organized, i need to do it in stages, my hands can’t handle all at once these days.

Still need to get my workout in …. need to pick up the kid from school first.

Will i vacuum again today? Probably, two big dogs, two cats and a bunch of kids make a big mess … daily! LoL

The glass tables can probably use a wipe down, it’s been a few days. I’m just sitting here staring. Well typing …..

We have plans all day Saturday, not sure if i’m looking forward to it or not. People …. not sure why i’m mentioning that. See, strange space.

I just keep rubbing my face with both hands, hoping to massage myself back to ‘life’?? Don’t know.

I haven’t been this stuck in my head in a while ….. i don’t feel particularly connected to anything at the moment. Let’s hope it passes before work this afternoon.

Ciao!

[Update: Just got back from getting the youngest. Feeling a bit more alive, good thing. Driving should probably be done when you’re ‘alive’! LoL]

He hasn’t left me any ‘tasks’ in some time, i have been working most days in the past few weeks. We don’t get to play … not at all lately. A few swatts here and there over the weekend but that is not adding up to much right now.

He did decide to swatt my butt a few dozen times in the back porch this weekend. Stopped to wave up at the crazy neighbours window, just in case she was watching!! :O Then kept going … that was fun, and a bit subby making. We have 6 backyard neighbours and the greenery hasn’t filled in yet!!!!

But that didn’t lead anywhere either.

At least i feel like my feet are touching the ground now. Maybe i can get back to reality before He gets home. Then perhaps some mischief??? *shrug* I guess we’ll see … i doubt it though. Things just have not worked out lately.

I don’t feel any ‘rush’ of excitement. I’m not really the type of person to ‘feel’ things anyway. I’m very pragmatic, my driving force is logic not emotion. It’s taking a lot of energy to stay out of my head these days.

I hadn’t thought of it before but BDSM seems to help me stay connected to my ’emotional’ side. Makes things a bit more complete for me i guess you could say.

Hmmm. Who know …. a bit of a downer today, sorry.

Well, best be off while i can still feel the ground beneath my feet!

Not much in the mood for writing lately ….

https://genius.com/Leonard-cohen-hallelujah-lyrics

This guy was kind of famous around these parts.

This is about how excited i am lately about the holidays and people ….. it’s not a religious song btw. *wink* not really …..

I have a belief that we, humans, are capable of greatness but i also don’t think it will ever really happen.

Here’s to the few who might, like me, still be trying to make this world a great one.

There’s a blaze of light in every word
It doesn’t matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

I need a break from humans, and the holiday season is just ramping up. I’m not the slightest bit excited …. Kitten wrote a little post on the winter nest, i like that idea! LoL If it was deep in the woods somewhere with no one around and no ‘connections’ …. that would be best.

You can’t say things like these, people assume there is something wrong. That you are upset or depressed or something. I’m not, i’m just not in the mood. Not in the mood to ‘play nice’ and be smiley and make everyone else feel good.

That’s what I normally do, I take care that everyone around me has a good time, has what they need. Has the shoulder they need to rely on or the guidance they require to keep moving. I add strength to those who need it, provide some ideas and a plan for those who are looking.

I do things without being asked and I do it mostly in the background. I don’t need credit or attention but I am always there.

When I don’t feel like playing nice … well I keep that to myself. I don’t need people around me, I don’t need family, friends and good times. That confuses people because of course that’s what ‘everyone’ wants, right? Yeah not so much.

INTJ, that’s me. Not much there that doesn’t fit. I’m different and people think they know, think they ‘are too’ but they are not.

This year i’m feeling less connected to ‘them’ and more inside my head right now. I like that, it’s not an ‘issue’ it’s just me. I don’t want to explain so I hide it and i go along with what society thinks i should be doing at parties.

But I am not looking forward to it.

The Bear is the people person, and it’s His family and friends we will be seeing so i’ll go along, put on a happy face and play nice. the boys will cut out early i’m sure … lucky them.

FWIW this is one of my favourite winter songs …. it’s not about anything bad, leave it alone people … take it in context, it’s 1940’s style flirting. That’s all!

‘rant’ over …. ciao!

Channeling lately

One of my favourite characters, one I can relate to.

Enjoy and Happy Weekend!

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Bored of the fish bowl ….

Did you exchange
A walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

Getting excited, but only for one part of what i was hoping to be quite an adventure. Putting my imagination away …..

“Wish You Were Here”

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

The battle, it’s in my brain.

Don’t know if I’m explaining this in a way that makes sense to anyone else but these words are for me. To get them out of my head and to remind myself of what the truth is, for me.

The battle between submissive to Him and being my dominant self is in my head.

The tones of voice are the same. The actions and reactions outwardly look the same. The words chosen are the same ….. the patience, the manners and the acceptance of His decision, all are the same!

I think a comment made just a bit ago on one of my posts says it all. The difference is being a partner and not just along for the ride. Sharing responsibility not just depending on the other to solve it all …

When nothing needs tending or fixing or changing. When nothing needs correcting or reminding or guiding. When nothing is out-of-place ….. and no play time has been had in a while, …. no ‘maintenance’ as they call it.

That’s when my brain starts to wonder. Am I leading? Am I following? Is He?

Our play time is not just stress relief but it’s also a reminder that He ‘has this’, that He can take on whatever comes next and that I am not alone. It’s a fun and physical way to make that connection. It’s the most basic form and the most effective, for us.

When life steals that from me I have a harder time asking, because that’s when it feels different, that’s when I get unsure. I know the answer, i wrote it. Ask anyway …… it’s just getting past that mental block that’s hard.

But a bunny never stops. So ‘i got over myself’ *wink* and asked anyway.

Being submissive to Him is easy, getting out of my head, now that’s another matter entirely.

** Please don’t give me a bunch of comments about how being submissive is hard work, I get that. My experience is that submitting to the Bear has never been a problem. That is not where ‘my’ battle lies.**