i close my eyes

when i’m most submissive, i close my eyes

it might be an ‘artsy’ thing, and yes i use that term gratuitously

my creative self is the one i hold most dear i think …

because it’s the one that speaks to the heart of me

the part that still has hopes and dreams

… so like most artists when they speak, i close my eyes ….

when i let you see me like that, that’s when i’m the most vulnerable

the most submissive;

because that’s when i let you see ‘me’

that’s when i’m NOT on the look out

Just like this …..



Blast from the past and BDSM lifestyle

Some triggers come from out of no where it seems, after years have gone by and the memory practically erased from my mind and then all of a sudden, there it is!

Bear has always insisted that if the house was our own He would have me walking around naked as much and as often as possible. I always laugh and tell Him that He would forget to order that by then or that He would get bored of it …. it’s our banter back and forth. Just because we are incorporating BDSM and D/s into our life doesn’t mean we lose our personalities or fun!

Anyhow, the school year is coming to a close and i have a few extra hours here and there during my day while the youngest is still at school. Bear is taking full advantage of this and has left me some kinky tasks to complete.

One such task involved collar and cuffs … so when it was complete, i found myself nude with cuffs and collar and no one home for a few hours. It triggered the thought of His assertion and so i decided to give it a test drive! *giggle* I cleaned up a bit, organized a few things and even competed my workout that way! Well I put my running shoes on but otherwise, …

At the end of it all and before having to get dressed for the afternoon work hours i went and lay across the bed for a while. That’s when it triggered the memory.

My mother has always been a ‘piece of work’ you could say. I don’t get along with my family, we have a long and complicated history.

The memory was of a summer long ago, i had been working out in the fields for a summer job and had made it home exhausted and dirty. Showered of course and then decided to hang out naked, on my bed.

The door was closed, my private area and i was already in my teens. I had a certain expectation of privacy …. For whatever reason she decided to enter my room, unannounced and without knocking or giving me a chance to get dressed.

When she found me just resting and reading in the nude she felt it very funny apparently. She laughed at me outright, made some comment … about crazy or weird i think, and then proceeded to go and tell everyone in the house. THAT would be my two younger brothers. Why would she do that you ask? I have no clue … she was mean i guess. Liked to revel in the humiliation of others.

It hasn’t changed my enjoyment of being nude i muse, maybe she’s the reason i like it so much??? LoL

Bunnies are defiant when they have no respect for you .. *wink*

Saturday start

My @ss is red, my shoulders are relaxed … floating a bit while i get some breakfast, finally.

Bear comes down from the bedroom of the youngest and tells me he’s already up. He had gone up to wake him and give W his meds.

The floaty feeling now tempered with a bit of responsibility … caution … worry.

I hope he hasn’t heard us, was this a smart choice? I guess we’ll find out soon enough!

New toys are being ordered and i’m tentatively excited and optimistic that we might actually be able to get back into more ‘impact’ in our D/s. *wink*

My child’s mental welfare is obviously the most important thing in this equation BUT i already find myself humming while i run around doing whatever needs attention this morning.

Just a few minutes of this type of connection and we both feel better …. it’s a tight rope we walk these days. It has been for a long while and it has taken its tole on us.

Wish me luck!!! and Happy Saturday … ❤


Why (consensual) ‘sex slave’? – My female perspective.

I’ve been reading and searching this out for a while now and there is a very consistent undercurrent to any of the healthy relationships i have read, including my own. I know there are many other parts to any relationship but this is just one of the small parts with a big effect.

You may wonder from the outside looking in, or maybe even from the inside trying to figure out why you have chosen this lifestyle, why in the world a woman would choose to do such a thing.

Well, for those whom this lifestyle works the answer is easy. Being posed and dressed and ordered and ‘used’ in a sexy or sexual way helps to increase our body image and sexual self esteem. The more we get put into these situations the more comfortable they become and the more comfortable WE become in our own skin.

Sexual self esteem and a positive body image are large components of good mental health especially if you are a sex positive person, as we obviously are! It helps to release stress and relax sore muscles. It allows positive chemicals to flow through the body which obviously helps your mental health in ALL other issues. And it’s all natural ….

You might wonder how you can keep up such a level of activity and the truth is we all go through active periods and then not so active periods. Those also happen to be the times we feel more agitated, more stressed and more desperate to get our ‘D/s’ back!

The more ‘life’ is going on around us the more we want to be ‘bothered’ with the orders and seemingly wasted moments kneeling and posing and being told to keep up with tasks. The more we want to be prepped and inspected and kept to a certain level of ritual and protocol.

The more we want to be ‘sexual slaves, trained and used’!

It gives us an emotional high, a boost in self esteem and of course self confidence and faith in our own abilities comes along with that. Treat me like your sex slave and i have the strength to take on the world ….

So why wouldn’t i want to do that? Assuming you enjoy sex you get more and more easily turned on and ready the more often you practice it. The more heavily you can feel the PE over the entire day the more able and ready you are to take on everything else. (Can we say 24/7 anyone?)

Once you’ve opened Pandora’s Box anything less than that feels like a black hole ….

Cappan via Getty Images
Cappan via Getty Images

Sex slave falls squarely under selfcare ….. Just thinking out loud.


I don’t want to give up my vanilla half.

Wandering about in the WWW i get to read and experience all sorts of lifestyles. Some are close to mine and some are very far off but they are all interesting and sometimes even make me think.

I read of some that are very involved in the M/s or D/s lifestyle, they try to make every moment fit the mold. I read some that simply dabble in it here and there, happy to explore but to keep it simple.

Through all of this exploring i have discovered that i really do not want to give up my vanilla half. Maybe i’m just greedy, i really don’t care any more to be honest. I have spent many years being only ‘vanilla’, putting my needs on the back burner and doing what i was ‘supposed to do’. I always knew just what i wanted i just put everyone else first, didn’t want to be a burden, didn’t want to be ‘weak’!

Some years ago i had had enough and i snapped. I wanted more and damn it i was going to get it. It started with kinky sex but very, very quickly opened the door to more. For both of us, i know now that He was craving the same thing, just didn’t know it. He was busy being the man He was ‘supposed to be’ as well, trying to fit in to what everyone else wanted.

I really don’t know how we got so off track, we didn’t start off that way but i guess life and responsibilities tend to do that ….

So we jumped head first in D/s. [I kind of discovered that we are more M/s but that’s not something i want to get into now.] It was refreshing and gave us what we needed at the time BUT then another part was missing, the vanilla part.

I have a strong and stable personality, i take control and help people all the time. I enjoy planning and executing ideas and being a force that gets results. I like being a wife, mother, caregiver, friend and even at times a counselor!  *chuckle* I don’t want to have to put that side of me aside so i can be His ‘submissive’.

The point of doing this lifestyle in the first place was so that i could get what i wanted, what i needed out of life in order to be fulfilled. I put the part of me that wanted and needed His help and strength aside for a long time and now i was supposed to put the strong, independent part aside? No way!

I don’t care if it makes me greedy, i don’t care if it doesn’t fit into the labels and dynamics. I want both and i have both. He is strong enough to manage me just as i am with all the contradictions and at times confusion! LoL

So despite the ‘lifestyle’ labels that we have adopted i don’t value my marriage any less than my submission. I have a collar from my dominant and i enjoy wearing it but i have finally asked for something that i have wanted for a long time!

I have asked for a wedding ring, one i can wear on a daily basis along with my cuffs and collar! I have one already of course but it has stones and is too hard to wear when i work. I have wanted a plain band for a long time and i had mentioned it some time ago but my vanilla self wouldn’t push the subject. So for 12 years i have waited for him to remember …. (i was never a ‘nag’, what can i say … ;P)

Ironically my submissive self knows just what to do, i want something, i need something that will help my over all happiness and fulfillment and so i asked. I mentioned it again, i talked about why and i even pointed out some examples of what i liked. And guess what? I got my wish, finally!

I like seeing my cuffs as i make it through my day, it reminds me of my submission and our D/s connection. I wanted something to give me the same sense with my other commitment, the one of wife. They are equally important to me.

imagesSo no, i won’t give up my vanilla side, i want both!



‘There must be peace and understanding sometime’ ….

Happy St. Patrick’s Day all!

I’m not in the mood to talk D/s, or make witty jokes about green leprechauns.

I’ve been listening to a very controversial but intelligent fellow lately and he seems convinced that the key to the worlds problems lies in us.

Integrity and responsibility …..  yup, that’s it. Fix ourselves and we will, collectively fix the world.

One person CAN and does make a difference, every day. This has always been my view as well.

So in light of everything that has been happening, recently and over the past years … I leave you this.

I know there are a least a few Elvis fans out there that will appreciate it. 🙂 ❤ Please take the time to appreciate the message as well. I start my days with this, to remember and to keep trying, maybe it will give you hope as well.

If I Can Dream
There must be lights burning brighter somewhere
Got to be birds flying higher in a sky more blue
If I can dream of a better land
Where all my brothers walk hand in hand
Tell me why, oh why, oh why can’t my dream come true
oh why
There must be peace and understanding sometime
Strong winds of promise that will blow away the doubt and fear
If I can dream of a warmer sun
Where hope keeps shining on everyone
Tell me why, oh why, oh why won’t that sun appear
We’re lost in a cloud
With too much rain
We’re trapped in a world
That’s troubled with pain
But as long as a man
Has the strength to dream
He can redeem his soul and fly
Deep in my heart there’s a trembling question
Still I am sure that the answer gonna come somehow
Out there in the dark, there’s a beckoning candle
And while I can think, while I can talk
While I can stand, while I can walk
While I can dream, please let my dream
Come true, right now
Let it come true right now
Oh yeah
Songwriters: Earl Brown
If I Can Dream lyrics © Raleigh Music Publishing

‘Kinky’ side effects!

I wanted to post this here, even if it is slightly embarrassing, in hopes of maybe helping someone else.

I wrote a bit ago about my need for a rule involving working out. I needed to get some motivation back and for me, having it as a rule is really all the push i need to get back on track.

Now what I didn’t mention is that part of the workout rule involves wearing ben wa balls for the duration.

Why you ask? Is it simply to keep me focused on being His submissive and help keep me ‘in the mood’? Well, no actually. Although the focus could very well be a D/s one, in this case the reason was much more mechanical. *wink*

They come in all shapes and sizes, some like these, some vibrate, some made of metal. They come in differing weights and of course any choice of colour!

For many years now i have been holding myself back from doing things that i love to do. Things like running (which i can’t do now anyway because of other issues) and dancing and just simply getting involved in other forms of exercise/sports that I enjoy. Thanks to peri-menopause any overly active movement will cause bladder leakage. I know, oh sooo sexy, right?

I wrote a long time ago about possibly trying some of the things out there to help strengthen and regain control but up until this point i hadn’t. The reason exactly i don’t know. At first i think it was a ‘toy’ issue. Since i wasn’t allowed to touch or play without expressed permission and the ben wa balls kind of do come under that category, i had a mental block you could say.

Add to that my own personal hangups for whatever the reason and it just simply never happened. My brain knew it was worth a try but my hangups wouldn’t let me. As a rule however …… well, you know the drill, for some reason everything changes, it all becomes okay.

You can start with one size and weight and then move to a more intense pelvic exercise by changing them up. I have a few different options and i think i will be asking to move to another set soon. I started with the silicone type that has better hold on its own but i will be trying the metal ones soon. I plan on starting with one larger ball first and then working up to two when i’m ready. The next step will be to change the size to a smaller one, which will be more work to hold and then of course two etc. …. I think you get the idea.

So …. we attended a concert this past weekend and I GOT TO DANCE! I danced a lot!!! I danced to my heart’s contentment and I never leaked, not even a little bit! *grin*

When I got home the first thing I mentioned was that ‘i got to dance Sir, and i never pee’d!! Not even a little … ‘

He had a hardy chuckle from my enthusiasm and wording but He also gave me a great big Bear hug and was very happy as well. Lots of words of praise and lots of rejoicing with me ….

Most of you know by now how important music is to my life. Dancing and really feeling it is part of that for me as well. Being able to just finally let go and enjoy the moment is a wonderful accomplishment.

If this little tidbit of information helps someone else to help themselves with this issue than it is worth the slight embarrassment on my part! I use them for about half an hour on the elliptical and ski machine combined. There seems to be plenty of bouncing around between the two workouts to make it effective and it seems to be helping me to do the same afterwards without leakage! *wink*


Oh, now that looks interesting! *grin*

I found something new, I’m interested in showing The Bear and seeing what He thinks of it. It’s not exactly completely new in regards to the actions BUT the idea of how and why is, at least it is new to us.

I can think of many benefits and i can also think of many parallels to things we already do in D/s and BDSM.

I’m absolutely not interested in trying it outside of my marriage but ……. with my partner, i’m hoping He agrees! *grin*

(Video is explicit – Warning )

Anyone familiar with this?

Do you incorporate it into your dynamic?

Have you found it to be beneficial?

Personally i think of it as much like edging only without the ‘O’ being the focus, now or later even. It’s more about releasing happy chemicals and lower stress levels without the need for impact play and all the time and noise that it brings. We all know that noise is a factor around here! UGH

I’m putting this one under personal female sexual health and welfare. I’ve said before, chastity is not a thing for me but this might be! *wink* Wish me luck!! *giggle*

I also have a feeling that the connection and need to be with each other is also going to strengthen ….. guess we’ll see.

Oh Yes, and Happy New Year everyone! ❤

I think I have a rep! LoL

My youngest sends me this today. I guess he has a certain idea about my personality, ya think???

No, I don’t run around beating up fast food employees, but I don’t back down from a fight, that’s for sure! LoL The warrior is always here to protect the family.

Do you think he knows how much I advocate for him? I’m going to say he has a pretty good grasp on the subject!

This is just a silly meme but it is nice to know that HE knows I’ve got his back. 😉

With such an epidemic of mental health issues and suicide in our children and teens, it is SO important to make sure they know you are there to support them. Joke, laugh, talk …. communicate with your children, start young and never stop. Even when they are quiet, they are listening and they are appreciating, even if it doesn’t look like it. Don’t stop talking, even if they have for now. It will come back to you in these times and listening to their stories about the ‘big boss’ in a video game will pay dividends when real life comes calling.

Lead by example …..  I’m not the only fighter in the family btw! Or the only leader. Just a proud momma, not my usual post but hey it’s my soapbox! *chuckle* Nothing wrong with sharing a bit of good news.