It felt nice, finally! <3

It felt good to write today. It wasn’t much or long but it felt good.

I write because it helps me to balance my thoughts, my life. It decompresses the day and helps me move on.

It’s not for follows, or likes, or because I want recognition …. it’s just for me.

If it amuses, or enlightens, or helps … than that’s great. But the reality is i like to write, and it helps me …. 

Thanks for sticking around anyway!! *wink*

i blame BDSM and the kinky community!

In life there are so many people and so many ideas and so many sensitivities.

So many mental health and even physical health issues that you hear about or are experiencing or are close to someone who is … etc etc

We all hear this idea of understanding, don’t we. We hear this idea of ‘everybody experiences things differently’ and so on. And we try to understand, and we try to listen and hear and just get an idea of what exactly it is that seems to make them feel it so much differently, but it’s hard to get, isn’t it?

Well i get it now, at least i think i’m closer to getting it now!

I used to try and understand and be supportive but i admit that my pragmatic brain had a very hard time making it make sense, to me. I got it in theory but in reality ….. it just seemed so far away.

Enter BDSM and kink and the venture into the community! I started to read and see the feelings, the experience, the way one action could be felt in such a different way from one person to another. I also got to experience it first hand!

Some things that i read others hated i just was so comfortable and turned on by i almost hesitate to write this!! LoL Other things that were said to be just the most intense … well, i felt not much at all. Things that some felt were ‘bleh’ i had the most extreme reactions too!

So now, when i speak to someone or read something or try to understand what my child is going through, i get it! I understand that what i find common place can be something that sends his anxiety into a tail spin. I understand that just because the comment someone made rolled off my back it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt or offend someone else.

I get it! I really do have an understanding of how it feels and how it can be so different, even if the situation and action was the same for multiple people. The outcome can be different, and it must be respected!

So I get it, really get it in a way that I don’t think i would have the depth of feeling in if not for our fore into the BDSM and kinky community.

So yes, i blame BDSM and i blame the community … so thank you! *wink*

You try not to stress, but life doesn’t seem to get the memo!

We were hoping to get an hour to ourselves Friday afternoon, you know an hour where we could actually make some noise! Well the youngest is having a bit of a hard time lately and decided he wasn’t going to school Friday afternoon after all!

His mental health is important, no doubt about that, but doing certain things is important for MY mental health too. And the Bear …. it’s not just about being kinky, it’s about managing stress as well.

The truck also needed to be looked at again, it was leaking fluid. Ends up it’s the transmission … so yeah $$$$$

The washer decided it has finally had enough, new one should be here today .. $$$$$

The car needs back brakes …. $$$$$

The oldest is finally back in school but not yet in college so funds we put aside are not yet accessible BUT he spends most of his time at his GF’s so we pay for groceries off and on …. $$$$$

Everyone around here is having a hard time so half of the families i did work with/for are off, which means my income has dropped again. I was already at 75% lower than i should be …. so more lost $$$$$

All of this in the past 30 days.

Oh, and let’s not forget Christmas!

So yeah, those 50 minutes or so are important once a week.

 

 

Today’s mood – Forget Santa, give the world a gift yourself <3

It’s funny that the more things change and evolve the more backwards we become as a society.

Is it really true that some things will never change? I certainly hope not …. but we have been singing about this for a very long time!

“Philosophers and Ploughmen
Each must know his part
To sow a new mentality
Closer to the Heart”

Do you know your part? It’s the only way things will change.

CLOSER TO THE HEART

AVAILABLE ON A FAREWELL TO KINGS

Music: Geddy Lee and Alex Lifeson
Lyrics: Neil Peart and Peter Talbot

And the men who hold high places
Must be the ones to start
To mold a new reality
Closer to the Heart

The Blacksmith and the Artist
Reflect it in their art
Forge their creativity
Closer to the Heart

Philosophers and Ploughmen
Each must know his part
To sow a new mentality
Closer to the Heart

You can be the Captain
I will draw the Chart
Sailing into destiny
Closer to the Heart

My sexuality is submissive, my BDSM side is a switch!

Just musing about my sexuality and masochism. My sex drive is on high so of course these ideas are running through my mind.

When i’m sexually charged i’m very much ready to be submissive to Him, like i mentioned before, i do find that being His submissive is very much linked to sex and BDSM. When that’s in place all other ways of serving are on the table as they say.

The other thing i’ve noticed is that my want/idea of what BDSM is and what i need changes depending on my mindset. When i’m sexually charged the ideas running thought my mind are not only masochist but also sexual in nature. Toys and body parts *smirk* that are sexual are involved and so too are sexual parts of my body and orgasms.

When i’m in a more dominant mindset i’m still very much a masochist but the way i want to experience it is different. In this mind space i want more pain, more impact and little to no sexual touching. I want to push limits and see just how far i can push my body …. this is why a good sadist dominant is important.

When in this mindset i need Him to decide when enough i enough and keep a careful eye on my body and reactions. I enjoy pushing myself to the brink, just to prove that i can survive anything i suppose. This was a dangerous game to play when we started and i did realize some time back that i was pushing too far for the WRONG reasons. It was bordering on self harm and that is not healthy BDSM!

I’m not saying that orgasms are off the table when in this space but they are all brought on by pain and impact alone. If you try to touch anything that would normally be considered sexual or effective, i loose it. The “O’ that is ….

In case anyone is wondering, no i am not the slightest bit interested in being the sadist. It really does nothing for me.

Maybe ‘switch’ was misleading! *giggle*

Happy Friday! 😀

Holy Hanna!! I think the world is coming to an end ….

I put that call out to the universe yesterday and today my baby brother emailed me, three times!

I saw him once almost a year ago and 5 years before that!

My youngest has the last week and a half battled some serious medical side effects and in the last two days made all his classes.

Today, tonight he has just told us he would like to go sleep over at a friends. It’s a family we have known and respected for a long time. We have no problem with that ……………… it’s the first time in probably 10 years he has even considered sleep outside of his own home, grandparents included.

I have always believed that we are all connected somehow in our energy ….. but this?

Ssshhhhhh, don’t jinx it!

Blue Trees (a re-blog)

This is a copy and paste from my dear friend, Kitten. Not what i normally post on this site but it is too important not to share! I know mental health has affected my family, support is important.

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There is a terrible disease of gum trees in Australia called die back and it is a growing problem in the Australian bush. The remnants stand as silent grey sentinels as monuments to what we are losing. One day I was given this picture of a dead tree with die back and the stark contrast of the bright blue made it stand out from it’s surrounding.

I thought it was a one off, an attempt to jazz up something that simply stood for loss. Something about it was haunting and I had to look it up on the computer and I was shocked to find what it was all about.

There is a group in Australia called ‘Beyond Blue’ that you can contact to get help and someone to talk to with regards to depression. I expect there are dozens of groups like them all over the world.

Now what do blue trees and Beyond Blue have in common? Well it seems, quite a lot. People are painting dead trees blue if they know of someone that died as a result of depression or have fought against the disease. I found it so touching I had to share it with my blogging friends as I know they might find it interesting.

I also think it is such a great cause it might be nice to spread the word across the world.

As this post is so very important you can copy and paste it to your own blog. I don’t need recognition for it.

Depression is a silent killer and the only way to defeat it is by seeking help. Take a stance and vow that not one more person should die as a result of this disease. Reach out to those you think might be depressed and simply say, ‘Are you ok?’

If you, or someone you know needs help, please seek medical help, or encourage them to do the same. I am certain if you google ‘depression’ on your computer you will find help. There will be places you can phone, all you need do is reach out. I believe the Samaritans still have phone lines and help people through a bad time.

Depression is a physical as well as a  mental disorder and you are not alone in this. It is nothing to be ashamed of or something that needs hiding. A problem shared is a problem halved. Look I could quote all of these cliches but it boils down to please seek help.

kitten

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Food for thought

“There is a vanity in excess penance …. you must have sustenance. “

I think us over achievers and perfectionists would do well to remember this saying. As submissives and dominants alike, beating ourselves up over things that didn’t quite work only damages what we want to work towards anyway.

Look, listen, learn and then move on. Apologize if it’s appropriate but release yourself from the guilt and get back to a happy balanced state.

For me personally this is where any sort of punishment comes in, it allows me to have closure and move on. It’s not about being beat black and blue like some accounts i have read, it’s not about changing behaviour either because frankly it doesn’t work!

It’s about closure, releasing of guilt and getting back to balance. 

Happy Friday! ❤

i close my eyes

when i’m most submissive, i close my eyes

it might be an ‘artsy’ thing, and yes i use that term gratuitously

my creative self is the one i hold most dear i think …

because it’s the one that speaks to the heart of me

the part that still has hopes and dreams

… so like most artists when they speak, i close my eyes ….

when i let you see me like that, that’s when i’m the most vulnerable

the most submissive;

because that’s when i let you see ‘me’

that’s when i’m NOT on the look out

Just like this …..

~Cheers!

 

Blast from the past and BDSM lifestyle

Some triggers come from out of no where it seems, after years have gone by and the memory practically erased from my mind and then all of a sudden, there it is!

Bear has always insisted that if the house was our own He would have me walking around naked as much and as often as possible. I always laugh and tell Him that He would forget to order that by then or that He would get bored of it …. it’s our banter back and forth. Just because we are incorporating BDSM and D/s into our life doesn’t mean we lose our personalities or fun!

Anyhow, the school year is coming to a close and i have a few extra hours here and there during my day while the youngest is still at school. Bear is taking full advantage of this and has left me some kinky tasks to complete.

One such task involved collar and cuffs … so when it was complete, i found myself nude with cuffs and collar and no one home for a few hours. It triggered the thought of His assertion and so i decided to give it a test drive! *giggle* I cleaned up a bit, organized a few things and even competed my workout that way! Well I put my running shoes on but otherwise, …

At the end of it all and before having to get dressed for the afternoon work hours i went and lay across the bed for a while. That’s when it triggered the memory.

My mother has always been a ‘piece of work’ you could say. I don’t get along with my family, we have a long and complicated history.

The memory was of a summer long ago, i had been working out in the fields for a summer job and had made it home exhausted and dirty. Showered of course and then decided to hang out naked, on my bed.

The door was closed, my private area and i was already in my teens. I had a certain expectation of privacy …. For whatever reason she decided to enter my room, unannounced and without knocking or giving me a chance to get dressed.

When she found me just resting and reading in the nude she felt it very funny apparently. She laughed at me outright, made some comment … about crazy or weird i think, and then proceeded to go and tell everyone in the house. THAT would be my two younger brothers. Why would she do that you ask? I have no clue … she was mean i guess. Liked to revel in the humiliation of others.

It hasn’t changed my enjoyment of being nude i muse, maybe she’s the reason i like it so much??? LoL

Bunnies are defiant when they have no respect for you .. *wink*