The joys of Menopause, and sex!

The title is sarcastic, just in case there is any confusion. This has been a particularly tough month(s). My body has had just about enough torment with the nursing home ‘sleeping’, Rotti carrying and now trying to play catch up on my healing with work and the wonderful monthly cycle accompanied by menopause. In the words of a friend of mine “I’m one hot mess!”

I have always had a bad back and the monthly routine was always a bit sore and painful in my lower back, until things started and then within a day or so the back pain would subside and I would feel ‘normal’ again. My normal is much different then most I can assure you, but normal for me none the less.

The last few years have been a roller coaster of good months and then some very bad months, at times simply trying to stand straight or walk is a huge problem, or sitting for that matter! Basically pain all day every day for months on end. So now you have some back ground …

This month with all the other physical issues my lower back has been seriously affected. I normally get some spotting on and off for a week before anything starts and some seriously heavy pain in my lower back to accompany it. When the spotting stops, the pain lessens and so on … normally lasts a few hours off and on for a few days then we’re good for a week til things start …. then rinse and repeat! lol

Well we do normally get to play in between and nothing major happens, I take a little bit of time to relax those abdominal muscles, ease into it if you will and once things get going all is well … but not this time! Sir and I were in the middle of some intimate time and then all of a sudden it felt like I just got knifed, from the inside, right where He was … if you get my drift. I screamed out, not in a good way and ended up scratching Him quite severely due to the pain, I was in tears and I am not one to cry.

The pain did subside but needless to say the mood was pretty much shot and well it was time for bed by then ….

The day/evening had been a bit of a confusing time for me not quite understanding what Sir wanted/needed from me and I think (hope) if I had had more time to get into the ‘mood’ it might not have been quite so serious. Sir gets His idea in His head as to how He wants the evening to go and that’s great but with no warning, or ‘seduction’ or any sort of communication of wants and needs it can sometimes be hard for me to switch gears so quickly.

Moral of the story, I unfortunately don’t come with an on/off switch Sir …. and I think sometimes you think you are being obvious but you are not, not to me anyway. I don’t want or need for you to give away all your secret plans but a few minutes of teasing or flirting or just plain ‘giving orders’ would be a great way to get me turned on and waiting, and hopefully make these physical issues less of a problem.

I hope this isn’t too confusing ….

Love You Sir ❀

 

His From the Beginning

In the 21 years that we have been together I think I have been to the grocery store less than a handful of times by myself, and I have gone pretty much every week. Sir always drives ….

In 21 years I have slept by myself twice, a couple of years a ago Sir told me to go on a trip away with a friend, we were gone 2 nights. He knew I needed the time for a variety of reasons, too many and too much to go into detail but He did and so I went. The twice includes the nights at the hospital when having the boys, He stayed with me both times …. the first time I was stuck in the hospital longer due to complications, He still stayed.

Promotions have been turned down for family, we have plenty of time to be away when the boys are bigger and no longer at home. It has even been discussed that if His job still wants Him overseas then I will simply quit mine and go along …

We have sat together for dinner every single night in the past 15 years outside of illness. Shift work used to be a problem but it has been straight days and Monday to Friday almost exclusively for 15 years and counting. If working a weekend was not avoidable we were always home for dinner.

One never goes out without the other, if family or friends see us alone they know that something is ‘wrong’. We go for a walk together almost every night weather and health permitting.

I don’t ever remember going anywhere or doing anything without first asking Him what He thought and if it was okay. I have cooked supper pretty much every day we have been together unless we decided together to go somewhere or order in, unless Sir decided on His own He wanted something different.

We have always talked about everything and made every decision together, Sir has always had final say, even if He didn’t realize it. I have never bought anything without His knowing and before D/s I would actually buy less, He didn’t realize I was waiting on approval. (Neither did I, in a real sense.)

Outside of the menopausal/breakdown-ish time of about 6 months in our lives when my mind was just a bit crazy and Sir was so distant, I have never yelled, been angry or been rude to my husband, I had never disregarded His wishes and I had never, or have never since, not thought of Him first. (I yelled at Him once …. )

I remember distinctly my first and only time when my mind said ‘I wonder what He would like, you know what, I don’t care … it was the lowest low for me and I was almost physically sick with the realization. It was just weeks before bringing this idea to Him because that’s when I knew something was off for me. And that’s when I knew something had to change …. so I researched, tried to figure out what was going wrong and why we were drifting apart.

Some where in my ‘travels’ I realized that He didn’t think I needed Him, that He didn’t think He was important, D/s makes Him know the truth.

I don’t know what you want to call what we were before, to me the only real change is that now we have a ‘name’ and Sir can be certain because we also have some symbols to prove it and serve as a reminder.

He has always been Him and I have always been me with Him …. You might say we have been lucky, I say we have choosen wisely, prioritized …..

Love You Sir ❀

 

 

A Good Man

Sir and I went to a ‘concert’ last night, I use that term very loosely! It started out okay, nice actually, there was a 60’s/70’s band playing. They did a lot of old-time favourites of course and the show was quite enjoyable …. then it came time for the main attraction!

Well he should have been the main attraction I was very much looking forward to it most of the summer! We have a concert on the commons every Friday night throughout the summer in our city and this weekend it was an Elvis impersonator! I love Elvis maybe more than Oprah and bread! πŸ˜‰

Well this particular old man was not at all worth watching! I’m sorry I really try to be optimistic and look at the bright side and positive in all situations but this one!! Well, I’m afraid the ‘show’ if you could call it that was just terrible …. Β He did have a CD of Elvis playing in the background so I suppose that was one saving grace. LOL

We took the dog up town with us, had a nice walk to get there, we were able to enjoy the first group playing for an hour and we had a nice walk home. The free time with Sir is always nice and the dog got to experience a lot of commotion and new sights (like wheelchairs) and learnt to deal with them so that was also a positive.

All and all the evening was nice but my point in all this is …. Sir never complained, never commented on what a ‘waste’ it might have seemed like and looked perfectly pleased to be escorting me out, even if the evening didn’t turn out quite as planned. We had a few chuckles about the poor old man trying to pull off Elvis (once I asked Him if we could please leave) and we had a lot of fun looking at the different sites and architecture on our way home! πŸ™‚

Once we got home it was time to feed the kids and ourselves, in the rush to leave for the concert and with such a crazy week just past I hadn’t really had any dinner planned, so Sir picked up subs, we ate a nice simple dinner and enjoyed the rest of the evening until bed …

master-randy-paul: β€œA good Man, a good Dominant. ”

Love You Sir ❀

 

Confidence and Age = Sexy

I’ve always been very strange in this thought I know …. probably because of my history but I have never once thought that I would like to be young again, I have never once wished for the good old days ….

Now I know when you are little you always wish to be bigger so you can just stay up a few more minutes, or you can just play with a few more ‘big’ toys or you can just have a bit more freedom, etc. etc. …. I did all that too, but it never stopped for me!

When I was a teen (very young teen) I wanted to be old enough to move out on my own, when I was in my 20’s and married and babies I couldn’t wait to be 30, that’s when I would no longer be pregnant, no longer be nursing and my body would be my own again. When I was in my 30’s I couldn’t wait for 40, the kids are bigger, self-sufficient and I have more time to play in life. I can read (love it), I started writing, I can’t decorate cakes like I used to because of my carpal tunnel and tendonitis but I can bake, and I love to experiment with my cooking! I get to have dogs again because I have time to walk them and train them and I can start to take care of just me again!

Don’t get me wrong, my life has been great since my twenties and there is nothing really there I would want to change or do over (0 to 20 is a different story but I wouldn’t anyway because my experiences have made me who I am and I’m very happy with who I am) but I am not afraid of getting older and I am not worried about what I used to look like.

Every year I get more confident and happy in my own skin and every year I get sexier and sexier …. Sex appeal is just as much about confidence and attitude as anything else.

Not me, not yet anyway! πŸ˜‰

So now in my 40’s I am eagerly awaiting 50! The boys will be away at school, maybe working by then and I should be semi retired by then if not completely. I will have plenty of time for me, and lots of story book kinky fun times with Sir! By then there might not be many other responsibilities and all sorts of time to dedicate to Him ….

Perspective, getting older is awesome! πŸ˜€

Can’t change it anyway, might as well be happy about it, don’t you think?

Love You Sir ❀

 

Because He knows …

Rules, I haven’t got many of them really. I have some but outside of kinky ones the rest are really few and far between. I think the reason I don’t have many rules is because my Sir already knows that I respect Him and will obey, no question, no complaint.

The idea of rules I think (in any situation, not kink) is to keep you from straying, to keep you safe and to teach you right from wrong …. so if you are already doing all these things anyway, what rules can there possibly be to add?

Our rules are more in the ‘spirit of’ than the ‘letter of the law’ … I know that Sir does not want me hurt (kink aside) so if following through would cause harm (physical or emotional) then the rule is put aside until such time as He can be made aware and make a decision. Rule # 1 is to protect nijntje, if I’m an @ss about that to follow some rule, well then I WOULD be in trouble! The spirit of, He knows if it was an honest concern or just an ‘I can’t be bothered right now’. Β There is a big difference …..

I would get in trouble for doing too much, not the other way around …. any of you who are like me know just how hard it is to stop. This is probably the truest and biggest rule I have, and the hardest one to follow …. but at the end of the day it’s also the most fulfilling because not only do I get to please Sir, I also learn that I am worth while caring for.

So there might not be many, but they sure can be challenging!!!

Love You Sir ❀

One of these days …

One of these days I’m going to slip up and call my husband Sir, or refer to Him as Sir to a vanilla friend or in a vanilla situation … and it’s going to be a shock to everyone’s system!! LOL

I’m thinking about the fact that a friend of mine has mentioned that she will be alone for a weekend shortly and will likely be asking me over for drinks! No big deal but …. hehehe

I do not use Sir’s given name at anytime when I am talking to Him. I have a few friends I chat with on a regular basis so I refer to Him as Sir in that situation as well and it’s been this way for so long now that I’m starting to do it instinctively when I’m thinking or talking to other’s. In some area’s this might not be a big deal, it’s common and no one would notice really but here, where we live it is NOT a common form of referring to your significant other so it stands out!

I have caught myself a few times on the verge of saying it when talking on the phone or just communicating at work and believe me it would be a huge shock to whomever I said it too …. I know Sir would not like to have to explain any of this to anyone much less to someone we see all the time, it’s just not His way. I’ve mentioned before that we like to keep things understated and pushing our values onto people or ‘flaunting’ our ways is not at all what He is about!

Our rules don’t change, our manners don’t change, He opens all doors for me and orders when we are out to eat regardless of who’s around, He holds my hand when we are out and I ask first before going off and looking at something. He decides if I can and He decides when it’s time to go …. it’s just the calling out of ‘Sir’ when He is away from me that gets complicated! LOL In this situation I use our last name, Mr. ____ and get his attention that way which will normally get a few looks, a few smirks and everyone pretty much thinks it’s cute or funny.

Talking to family or good friends however can sound a bit awkward when I’m talking about my husband and saying Mr. this and Mr. that …. I do it just as much as I can get away with believe me but at some point it just sounds weird!

So I guess we’ll have to see what happens if I do end up out for a couple of drinks …. If I get too relaxed and comfy it may just slip out because that’s just the way of it now a days …. I’m pretty sure my friend knows we play ‘kinky’ but I’m also sure she wouldn’t understand the rest of the story …. although on second thought, they have been around long enough to know how we behave. Humm, maybe it won’t be such a shock to her after all, she’ll just rack it up to my unconventional way of being as a whole! LOL

Love You Sir ❀

 

 

Friday morning fishing ….

Every work day morning Sir comes around to my side of the bed around 4:30 am, traces my body with His hand from toe to top. Slowly …. feeling my lines, deciphering which way I’m lying in the dark, sometimes He lingers in a place, or two! πŸ˜‰

Once He reaches the top He places a kiss on my forehead and whispers something about the day in my ear …. today however the Bear got caught! It was a surprise attack by the bunny!! LOL

I reached out and grabbed Him close and squished Him to me and said “You stay …. ?!?!” I could feel the smile spread over His lips.

‘Ah that’s nice nijntje’ He says to me ‘but I’m afraid it’s catch and release!’

Hummm, I’m going to have to set up a petition!

Happy Friday!

Love You Sir ❀

In tune

I’m not sure if it’s simply being in tune with myself or if it’s complete honesty and trust or a combination of the two, but whatever it is Sir I do like sharing it with you!

I feel great today, thank you!

I tend to know my body and myself pretty well, outside of any extraordinary situations and I hazard to say that even then I catch on pretty quickly now a days. I try to be open and honest not just with you but mainly with myself. That usually means putting misconceptions or guilty feels aside and simply talking to you and letting you know whatever it is that is going on in my mind and heart. I know better than to wait until the feeling(s) get overwhelming or carry on so long that they get confused with other issues and then become much more difficult to sort out and address.

~ Case and point ~

On Sunday night I had a dream, a naughty one and not in a good way. I can’t remember much of it but I know I was feeling angry and probably hurt and I was very upset with Sir. In the dream I was angry enough to be holding a sneaker and be contemplating throwing it at his head! I don’t think I need to explain what kind of infraction that would be!!

The whole thing is pretty fuzzy but I do remember Him being in one room, then going into another room through a door way and turning around to look at me. The entire time in my dream I was trying to say something but He wasn’t letting me (how or why I don’t know, it was a dream, sometimes they don’t make sense) … As it looked like He was putting me off and ready to close the door behind himself was when I lifted the shoe and was ready to throw it. He gave me the ‘look’ that meant do you really want to do that, and I threw it down and at the wall instead.

Now none of this would ever happen in real life, I just don’t play that way, but it did have me a bit confused in the morning as to why I would be dreaming such a thing? We haven’t been having any issues personally and I hadn’t been feeling angry or neglected in my daily life, so what was that dream all about?

So in my morning text to Sir I told Him about my dream, and sat with the information in type for a bit and then it all started to make sense. I tend to be a very balanced individual and I can tell both mentally and physically when things are even just starting to go off the mark. This dream was my mind’s way of letting me know that I needed something, I needed more ….The door and it closing was my way of understanding that I felt He wasn’t there for me, He wasn’t giving me what I needed. Not throwing the shoe at Him meant I still wanted this way of life, but throwing it at all meant I was needing more …. so I needed to share it with Him.

Now I know things have been crazy around here and I know that nothing has gone according to plan but if my mind is telling me something, so bluntly then I’m going to do my best to listen. Feelings don’t need to make sense to be valid, they just are.

I didn’t decide to keep the information to myself, ‘just to be sure’, or because Sir has too many other things to worry about right now, or because He might feel guilty or bad, or even because there really was nothing amiss and I was just feeling guilty and selfish about feeling like I needed even more from Him right now in the first place. None of these are open and honest options and none of these are my choice anyway.

If I know something, or think I know something it is my job to tell Sir, so I did. My dream was Sunday night, it is now Tuesday morning and I feel very well taken care of and at peace once more. Balance is once again restored …. and I hazard to say that balance is restored for Sir also, I tend to notice more quickly than He but we both always feel better later and we never go ‘off track’ even just a little bit for very long, as you can see.

Love You Superman ❀

Happy Sunday, can we play please?

I can’t believe it’s Sunday already and back to work tomorrow after all the craziness and trauma of the past two weeks. I am glad to be back to a mostly normal state although I’m still finding myself very tired and dragging from time to time.

Between the dog having to be lifted from time to time and the trying to sleep/rest in those crazy chairs and love seats at the nursing home I’m afraid my back is once again pretty messed up! I haven’t been able to do the stretches and exercises I would normally do, the ones that were really helping me get back into shape so I’m feeling pretty sore …. That is definitely priority #1 Sir now that I’ve made it back to the chiropractor.

I’m glad you told me to slow things down with work come September, I know that if I didn’t have to follow your direction I would just keep adding to my plate until it became much to heavy to carry again …. That’s what I do!

Not overextending myself makes me feel lazy and I always have to keep going in order to feel that I’m doing my share. The only reason I can stop and be okay with it is because I know it pleases you … Pleasing you is really the only thing that trumps all else in my mind, so in this case pleasing you takes care of me!

I’m pretty sure you figured that out already! πŸ˜€ I’m pretty sure that’s a big part of why you agreed to this way of living in the first place, sneaky Bear!

I might be planning a sneak attack that may have me eventually ‘caught and tortured’ in hopefully a very fun way … hehehe You better look out Bear!

Love You Always Sir ❀

Took the test for fun Sir :D

Some questions just didn’t apply as a married, monogamous submissive so the answers were hypothetical, but here’s what we got! LOL

== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
100% Submissive
98% Rope bunny
96% Masochist
87% Slave
79% Degradee
74% Experimentalist
66% Primal (Prey)
41% Brat
36% Pet
31% Vanilla
29% Switch
26% Girl/Boy
16% Exhibitionist
13% Dominant
11% Daddy/Mommy
6% Master/Mistress
6% Ageplayer
6% Sadist
5% Voyeur
5% Primal (Hunter)
3% Rigger
2% Owner
2% Degrader
2% Brat tamer
1% Non-monogamist

❀

Sirs top results:

== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
96% Dominant
87% Rigger
70% Primal (Hunter)
68% Master/Mistress
66% Vanilla
60% Sadist
53%Β Brat tamer

 

Looks like we’re pretty evenly matched! πŸ˜€

❀ Love You Sir ❀