Admiring and Respecting you Sir – With All my Love

I’ve been having some Déjà vu and it’s got me thinking about the path that brought me to where I am now, today in my life and in my relationship with my husband, my Sir. ❤ 

I wrote this in October 2015 after hearing Him say over and over ‘oh, those eyes ….’ *giggle*  He can see when I’m completely lost in Him and this was my explanation of ‘those eyes’.

I finally let my fantasy become my reality because YES, Yes I can have both! 

I’m happy, truly happy! I feel loved and protected …. I feel safe. I feel like I can trust you I feel like I can count on you.

My heart doesn’t hurt, my head doesn’t ache …..

I admire you and your strength more than you can imagine and I have more respect for you then anyone in this world. You are my ONE, you always have been!

Those are the ‘eyes’ Sir and I only have them for you….. Love Always

What a year …..

Well it certainly has been one whirlwind of a year Sir! 2016 is going to be memorable to say the least.

It was about this time last year the oldest got ‘diagnosed’ with a chemical imbalance due to maturing and was put on medication. He was certainly emotionally abusive to me mostly but everyone in the house was on egg shells.

In January Gramma was in and out of the hospital and nursing home, my dad had a bad cough and was later diagnosed with a tumour on his esophagus.

By February my dad had started chemo, Gramma was suffering from Alzheimer’s symptoms and had been put into the nursing home permanently. Our oldest was talking suicide and psychiatric help was found, along with counselling.

March my parents are emotionally beating the crap out of my brother, he’s the only one besides me that has managed to escape the madness but his escape is recent so he relies on me for back up.

April and May are busy with birthdays, anniversaries, Easter etc. and me trying to play referee and keep my brother sane.

June brings doggie trouble, a torn acl and a diagnoses of lots and lots of cash to be spent, so much for summer vacation.

July Gramma takes a serious turn, nights are spent bed side and running back and forth home to check on the dog, her leg gets infected and effectively explodes all over the family room, you at work and me running back and forth to the nursing home and calling the vet. I’m already off work, now there is more cash to be spent.

By the end of July the dog has torn out her other acl, a new surgery is planned, Gramma is slowly slipping away, you’re now off work too and spending day and night at the nursing home with me. More cash to be spent, no cash coming in.

At least the oldest in now living a ‘normal’ teen life, all the moods and depression are well on their way out and he is happier than I have seen in a long while. By the end of the month Gramma has passed ….

August is spent healing, both for us emotionally and the dog physically. The kids seem to be doing alright and it’s time to start planning for the new school year, the youngest is now in high school. He has suffered from anxiety and we wait with bated breath to see how this will go.

September/October things seem to be going okay, evening out. My dad now goes in for surgery to have part of his lung removed, the chemo created a lump that needs to be taken out. We find out the day of Thanksgiving dinner at your brother’s house that the surgery is the following day, we plan a visit to my parents but that falls through, just a little more stress to an already eventful year.

November seems to come and go without notice, starting to gear up for the holiday season, this always brings me to a place of thought and wonder what my next steps should be and how to best spend the holidays. I’m always very involved with your side and we don’t even talk to mine any longer. Not for lack of trying but even I can only handle so much trauma … it has certainly been a stressful one.

Today however I received a text from the oldest:

 E said you’re very pretty

ME:

ummm, thank you?!?!  lol

 she’s very pretty too …. ☺

 why are you talking about me …??

 she was talking about her mom and i said that you are a good parent and impressive regarding how your childhood was

 ME:

 ah, I see

 well thank you then

Looks like 2017 is starting off on a better note, let’s hope it stays that way! 😀

And no, nothing ever went on hold and we were never any less D/s …. the kink might have gone on the back burner at times but our connection only got stronger and helped us through.

Love You Always Sir ❤

It has it’s up’s and down’s!

Good morning Sir, Happy Thursday!

This isn’t going to be a happy-go-lucky post today, I’m not feeling great and I thought I might as well document it here for both you and anyone reading who might want a full picture of what submission can look and feel like. It’s not that there is anything wrong it’s just that if you happen to have a personality like mine you might find yourself in a similar boat at some point. Not that I expect many will, a friend lead me to a personality test site and of course my results were equal to 0.8% of the female population and only 2% of the population in general. Not that I put much credence in such things but it is telling ….

Anyway, I got up this morning, or at least tried to get up and was very sore, I could barely roll over in bed and everything is very sore. From my neck to my tail bone I am sore and aching, every move I make is torture. My hands and feet are cold and swollen with dots of painful raised areas throughout, this is what happens with the raynaud’s after day after day of attacks. I can’t pick things up very easily and my tendonitis in my left shoulder is so bad right now I wish I had a sling, I’m kind of a mess. Of course the oldest picks today to have an episode and I get called all sorts of nasty and wished dead all before 8 am, oh joy!

Not that any of this is odd for me, I have dealt with it all for many years … the difference is this submissive mind that I’m now set in. This is probably the one thing I don’t enjoy about the dynamic …. I need you! I need you always and I can’t feel strong in these times without you because all I want to do is curl up at your feet or in your lap and feel your hands holding me close and making me feel better.

Many things ‘before’ are the same as they are now, our lives (well from my side anyway) haven’t changed much but the one big thing for me is that now when I’m faced with a problem I look to you for help where before I would have just taken it on myself. I look to you for comfort where before the thought would never have entered my mind, I would have sucked it up and gotten on with it …

Right now I’m looking at the clock and thinking about how many things I have to try to do in the next 10 hours before I can be held by you and the thought is all-consuming. I hate feeling like I’m whining and bringing your day down, I hate feeling like I’m making you worry and I mostly hate that I feel weak.

Cognitively I know that none of this is right but physically I feel like I’ve been run over by a MAC truck and since taking days off and spending them curled up in your arms is simply not realistic I’m just going to have to deal with it. I really hope there isn’t anything that’s going to take your time and attention away tonight because I could really use your strength right now.

As usual, I feel better already just writing this out for you but physically I feel like I’m ready to fall over, and I hate feeling like ….. like, honestly I don’t even know what words to use to describe it.

This masochist could use some serious endorphins right about now …. Tylenol will just have to do until then.

Love You Always Sir! ❤

Climbing the Wall

All fixed … well as all fixed as things can be so quickly when it comes to your mind and your insecurities I suppose.

Sir was not unaware of the problem immediately, He just didn’t know what exactly it was … and I was in the middle of my work day so a deep heart to heart right then was obviously not going to happen, It just was not possible …

The ‘issue’ of course was nothing more than a misunderstanding but I find that my submissive self is so exposed that once something ‘hits’ it is felt deeply, even if my mind knows there is a mistake, the heart takes over and my feelings get hurt. Really hurt, which is what my warrior personality keeps me from in the outside world. With Sir however there is no armor and therefore no rationalization and no defense when it comes to my feelings.

Sir knows this, He knows me well but sometimes things strike that even I am caught off guard by or completely surprised with. If I didn’t know than obviously He had no way of knowing but that doesn’t change the feelings of it unfortunately. The mind knows but the heart does what it will I’m afraid.

The hurt in this case came from a comment/joke that was made just in jest but it hit close to home … so I asked for clarification but my angst was not perceived and therefore the joke repeated. I asked once more because the joke was eluding to the exact opposite of what Sir had just the day before told me was one of the best parts of our dynamic lately … but with everything else going on I guess He just didn’t see it and therefor the joke was maintained, until of course my eyes started to well up …

His demeanor quickly changed from joking to concern but by then my heart was already hurt and my walls were threatening to raise once more. The timing was such as I have already explained and so I had to steel myself to maintain my composure and so my heart followed suit. Anger followed as a defense against hurt, I couldn’t bring myself to look at Him than and so I carried on with my work. (We are not alone so there is no chance in not being noticed.)

Finally by the evening hours when we were able to talk this whole situation was understood by both of us but the joke itself had brought back hurt feeling/walling up for me from 15 years ago. Just these past 3 weeks with my deeper embracing of my submission I had finally started to let that go and finally let every single last wall crumble, until the joke.

So what was it? Well basically my thoughts and feelings and every single uncensored thought, always … about everything but mostly about Sir. The joke was meant as a very vanilla joke about men fearing/hating to have to talk to their wives, basically preferring that they didn’t say so much. Well that is the exact opposite of what I have been doing but it does hit on what Sir more or less said to me 15 years ago, and why I started to take care of me and everything else for Him back then. Now don’t get me wrong it wasn’t cruel or anything like that but it was young and busy and two newly weds trying to figure out how to live in the real world and not be heartbroken every time we had to work, so the short and long of it was sounding something like that.

I stopped telling Him I missed Him, I stopped saying I wished He could stay home with me, and I stopped saying I would prefer to spend the entire day in His arms because I didn’t want Him to feel bad or sad or guilty. I stopped talking.

Sir can handle all this emotion now without feeling guilty or sad, He takes it where it’s coming from and He knows I didn’t/don’t expect Him to stay home from work, I just want to know that He would like that too, that’s all! But when He made the joke about me not talking so much, well all this other stuff came up with dukes ready … I know He didn’t mean it that way, but unfortunately all that ‘programming’ doesn’t just get told to leave.

So now I am still trying to be completely open, and honest and real … uncensored – but it’s work now. I have to think and try once more to get back to something that had become natural and well honestly finally a comfort to really and truly be myself once more.

He didn’t mean it, but it happened. I’m not going to let it stop me but I do think it’s worth noting. We have hiccups along the way too but we don’t break from our dynamic we count on it more. I didn’t stop being His, I showed Him my hurt and He didn’t run away, He picked me up and is now carrying me until I can put my feet back down again.

Feelings might not be rational, but they are real and so they are valid.

Love You Always Sir ❤

 

 

 

This is mine …

I’ve been doing some thinking lately, mostly because I have some time on my hands and because I have been talking to a friend that has reminded me to stop and take a step back and take note of how things are going in my life, our life!

Don’t fret Sir, there is nothing wrong that I need to talk to you about or anything like that! I just like to stop and think once in a while of how things are and where I would like them, or simply if I’m doing all I can and holding up my responsibility in this commitment to you, to us.

This submission is mine, I’m the one who decides how much or how often. I’ve said before, I don’t believe submission is because of the dominant, I believe it is completely under the control of the submissive. You can correct and try to control all sorts of things but the fact is that if I don’t want to, I won’t. Simple as that …. anything forced is simply not consensual and well a different situation all together, isn’t it? So like I said, this is mine … I can choose to give it to you and I can choose how much and how well, but it is still mine to begin with and as such it’s also my responsibility.

I’m pretty sure you will disagree with this next part, but … I think I can do better! I think there are some things that I have not done to my best ability and for that I sincerely apologize. I’m going to work on being more of the submissive you deserve in my actions, more often.

I can’t expect the best from you and then not put in my best in return. It’s not that I think I’m doing anything wrong, I just don’t think my external actions are matching my internal thoughts quite so well.

Just like everyone else we have lives and responsibilities and children and pets and friends … etc. etc. and before you know it the end of the day is here and we haven’t had a chance for much else. The house is never our own and well times for more obvious showings of my submission are difficult to find.

I guess the short and long of it is that when I am more mindful I can find more times to sneak in more showings of my submission to you and I can also be more demonstrative of how much I love you and adore your touch! So this week I am going to work on both those things and I hope that it will please you ….

Love You Always Sir ❤

BDSM Day Dreaming ….

This past summer has been one thing after another, and when free time is finally available there are always at least two teens at home that don’t miss a thing! Vacation time went right out the window and now I guess I’m just missing your touch, more often …

As much as I know that your leadership is still in place I am very much missing some of the more physical and obvious manifestations of our agreement. The cuffs, the obvious and substantial collars, the chains!

I’m missing kneeling naked at your feet for more than just bed time, wearing plugs for training and mindfulness, even just walking around naked wearing nothing but my collar, cuffs and nipple clamps …

Wearing a spanking skirt and knee socks, being told to bend over for inspection whenever the idea strikes you … and yes the strike of your flogger or belt.

Being chained to the rings on the bed and the noise the chains make when I try to move. I especially miss the feel of your chains draped across my body, something about them just relaxes me to my core.

Hanging from the hook in the ceiling, feeling the sting of your touch … your blind fold, and the anticipation that it brings!

And so much more …..

It’s just kink and sexual objectification and I know it in no way compares to the big picture …. But I am missing you that way!

So, how long before we get the house to ourselves Sir??? I suppose hiding in the bedroom for days on end is out of the question …. lol

A few hours here and there is going to have to do for now but I’m dreaming of entire weekends at your mercy … ❤ ❤ and more!

Love You Always Sir ❤

Small Change …

Hi all you readers out there … I’ve decided to change the site up a bit to hopefully make it easier to read. I’ve gone with a bright and simple format in hopes of making it comfortable in all modes of access.

Let me know what you think, and any possible changes that might make it better still. I only ever use my laptop so I really have no clue how it comes up in other devices!

If you like it the way it is, please ‘like’ to let me know! 😉

The only thing I don’t like is that you now have to scroll all the way down to find a follow button … as well as other posts but I’m hoping to figure out how to put that at the top in a drop down format. I’m just not familiar with this template yet!

Thanks and happy reading! 🙂

 

Today’s ‘Shower Talk’ – Habits

Shower talk is what I decided to call things that occur to me when I’m performing other tasks, like taking a shower. Some are my random thoughts and some are not so random. So here goes …

When I wanted to break the smoking habit I looked at triggers that made me want to smoke and stayed away from them. I found other areas to be around instead of areas with smokers and I cut out (or tried to) breaks with smoking friends.

I looked for good habits to replace the bad one and to be sure to fill the extra time! They say you never truly break a habit, you simply replace it with a different one … I think that rings true for most of us.

Anyway, to the point of this post, what I didn’t do was go hang out at the cigar bar with an old smoking buddy and try to fool myself into thinking I would be okay, and that my new-found reason and good habits would be sustained!

Just food for thought …. BTW I have been smoke free 3 1/2 years now! 😀

Love You Sir ❤

 

 

Why (thoughts on various ideas)

Many thoughts on things seen, read, heard about etc.. Too many to have to explain each one now … let me know if you would like clarification on any … mostly rambling.

Why does it require an erotic book and a ‘dynamic’ for people to understand that you should respect one another in a committed relationship, or any for that matter?

Is it really necessary to have names, and labels for couples to understand that the best way to coexist is trust, honesty, respect and communication and that it will only strengthen your love for each other?

Is it really that difficult to understand that if two people are both vying for the ‘first’ position the power struggle will only cause issues and a riff? Why is it not common knowledge that if you want to be together in a long-term, working relationship one of you should be able and willing to take the lead and the other should be comfortable and happy to trust and follow? Even if it’s very subtle ….

If you do choose to take the lead, then you should understand your responsibility in it, it’s a commitment … don’t forget it.

If you choose to be the one following it doesn’t mean you become mindless or without wants or thoughts, so speak up, speak clearly and be honest. It also doesn’t mean you no longer have responsibilities …

If you do choose to use names and labels in your life, you should remember that people are multifaceted, not linear. Trying to fit into one small box of characteristics tends to feel shallow and ultimately like a life unfulfilled.

Embrace all you are, call on your various strengths when needed and remain humble and real no matter what you call yourself.

If there are bigger issues at play, don’t fool yourself into thinking a dynamic of any sort will fix it. Big, little, pet, slave, Master, Sir or whatever …. some things just require a professional in the field and kink is not it. I personally think it’s unfair to put that type of pressure on any personal relationship, that’s why doctors don’t take family or friends on as patients! Think about it …

If you work on being happy with yourself, who you are and what you’re about everything else tends to fall into place and work itself out. Nothing beats self acceptance and love.

 

Happy Friday! 😀

Love You Sir ❤

 

 

Cliché

More and more I think that maybe I’m, my life is … a cliché …. I have always been about the music, the Christmas movies and the romantic comedies … (mostly music) and I refused to stop until I found the feeling, the happily ever after, the one!

Now a days it feels like when I watch, or listen, or read …. I find I identify very much with where I am and what I have. I’m as crazy, honest, strong and ready as any heroine and He is as stable, sure and immovable as any Hero.

Maybe I’m a cliché, or maybe fantasy come true, either way I wouldn’t change my happily ever after!

Listening to the radio again …**blush**

Love You Sir ❤