A must read!! Re-blog ** Safety Issues – by Sir and kitten ** with their permission

 

I don’t know how many of you belong to Fetlife but at the moment there is a really big ‘Hot Potato’ doing the rounds about safety for women and a few of the women there have decided to deactivate their accounts for three days.

It is a demonstration to try to get the owner of Fetlife to alter their terms of use. Women need to be able to feel safe and try to find a way to voice what has happened to them. They want to be able to name and shame the abusers and put a copy of what was said as proof. Right now you are not allowed to name the abuser. I am not here to go into all the crap flying in there but I want to speak about something I promote in here…SAFETY.

What I want to deal with is if you are safe while actively looking for a partner.

  1. If you are on a dating site you may have trouble making a profile stating your sexual preferences and Fetlife provides a way to do that. If writing your profile, be careful what you put into your fetishes. The fantasy of being abducted could be mistaken as a rape and that is a flag to every questionable character. Put just a few simple ones.
  2. Don’t put your face on Fetlife. You can put a part of your face on, like your mouth.
  3. Don’t put sexual pictures of your body in your profile as that will draw the trolls out of the wood work. There are those few on Fetlife that will tear you apart for them calling you disgusting names. Make sure you understand that they can get your pictures and plaster them anywhere.
  4. There is a list of things for what you want from Fetlife. Things like a Master, a Mistress, Events things you are looking for. If you put Dominant or Mistress you will get messages where the person might say ‘get on your knees slut’. Block them
  5. If a Dom messages you and his avatar is a question mark DON’T TALK TO THEM.
  6. Check out profiles and see how much they have said about themselves. IF IT IS EMPTY, don’t reply.
  7. If you get a friends request with no messages attached DON’T FRIEND THEM.
  8. If anyone is either abusive or threatening, BLOCK THEM.
  9. I am a member of Fetlife and I have only been abused once and it was a girl. I left that time. I went back and my profile clearly states I am attached, collared, and engaged to Sir. I am @Anything-for-Sir in there. If you read my profile it is a great way for me to ensure I don’t get any real activity except I love to write erotica there and to support Sir. I also put down I was looking for friendship. I will not friend anyone there unless they have spoken to Sir and that is on my profile. That is so he can protect me.
  10. If a man sends you a picture of his penis don’t bother talking to them. Same goes if he has only dick pics on his pictures.
  11. If talking on Fetlife blooms into a good relationship and you want to meet your date. MAKE IT A PUBLIC DATE. If the person tries to get you alone, DON’T GO. A good Dom will always respect a public meeting and be happy to do that.
  12. If you meet for a coffee somewhere and all they talk about is how good they are and talk about nothing else but sex, save yourself the heartache, they are not a good Dom. A good one will want to get to know you first.
  13. Make sure they know your limits and safe words and you can write them down and show them but only if you get on well.
  14. Have a number of dates in public but eventually you will graduate to being alone. This is something I would do to ensure my safety. Write down what you are going to do and what you will allow them to do and write it with every single thing you can think of. When you are getting close to wanting to take your relationship up a level get them to sign the list and take the list home because if something goes horribly wrong you will have a signed contract to show the limits of your relationship. IF THEY WON’T SIGN…WALK! If they ask ‘Don’t you trust me?’ I would say ‘no’ and leave.
  15. If they are cagey about their real name or they don’t talk about their real life, this isn’t mysterious. If they don’t talk much about themselves at best/ they could be hiding a wife and kids at home, at worse/ they could be a serial rapist. Run Away.
  16. If you are just looking for a play partner you must be safe too so learn as much as you can about them. They are looking for someone to have sex with, so will not be as willing to meeting in public, they just want regular sex.
  17. This is something I need you to know. First off this person has been banned for life from Fetlife. He is currently up on charges for rape. He is an Australian business man and he is rich and very handsome and he was going to places overseas to rape young women. He looked like the real stereotypical Dom but he was a monster. None of the girls had an abduction or rape fantasy he simply raped them.
  18. One little thing, ask for a medical certificate of STD’s. Ask them to have one and make sure you have one too. If they can’t, make sure condoms are used. Some will say ‘I’m allergic to condoms’, or they just rip them off just as they enter you. It is a breach of consent.
  19. If you go to event and someone is inappropriate with you, report them to the organizer. They will be your protection.

These are all of the ones I can think of but if you can think of others please give a comment. I pray I have not terrified you because we all need a safe environment to explore our sexuality.

I am not putting down Fetlife as it is great place when it works well. Please use it and have fun with it. If you are young and inexperienced take my warnings and it should keep you as safe as you can be.

If you have questions…Contact Us

Sir and kitten.

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The Bear …

Just for fun and as a compliment to the last post! 😀

I asked the Bear to take the spirit animal quiz and guess what he got?? *giggle*

Yup the Bear is a Bear! I started calling Him that not too long after we started this new arrangement and even though He calls me nijntje I’ve always identified as more of a wolf. (You can go back over the last couple of years and find plenty of posts with that theme.)

It appears my *wolf* instincts were right on the money! I choose Bear because I view Him as strong and stable, an earthy type that grounds me and keeps me sane.

He was a bit surprised, I wasn’t! *wink* According to the information:

“The polar bear is considered as the “Wise Teacher” as it shows how to survive in harsh conditions.”

I’m going to have to second that, Bear! *wink* When we met my ‘conditions’ in life were terribly harsh, the Bear helped me get stronger and wiser myself. Not having to watch my back every second of the day allowed me to heal (another Bear quality) and get stronger still!

“Bears symbolize warrior spirit and courage to fight. The bear’s spirit would be invoked to help the warriors in the battle.”

And there you have it! I haven’t faltered or lost a battle since we met and the ones I’m currently involved in haven’t stopped me either! I heal, recharge and regroup in the Bear and then I’m ready to go again. That’s why He’s my dominant, not some contract or label …

Love You Always, Bear! ❤

BTW I didn’t need to be convinced to go to Him, I choose to. With everyone out there doing the online search for a ‘D/s’ relationship please remember, the submissive holds power. You don’t become anyone’s submissive because they say so, you do it because you want to. Anyone pressuring you to is way out-of-bounds. A real dominant doesn’t need to convince you, you do it willingly and eagerly.

Anyone trying to force you, in any way, is a fake! I’ve been reading some very disturbing accounts of online D/s activities that I can’t imagine anyone would want to be a part of. It’s up to the rest of us to make sure they get the message that creeping, stalking and abuse is NOT D/S! Rant over … 😉

 

The Rush

Part of the rush the Bear gets from being my dominant and not just my husband is that He knows I won’t bow down to anyone. *chuckle*

The idea of trying ‘D/s’ on for size was mine, mostly because I was so intimidating that even He backed away from me. In effect I was emasculating my husband and in return left to carry on in this world alone. Alone in the sense of all the responsibilities that life throws our way.

I’ve written on this before so I won’t go into too much detail this time but I’m very certain that the first time I knelt for Him He was very uncomfortable. This is not a natural state for me and I don’t imagine He would have ever dreamt of seeing it.

As time went on He became more and more comfortable with the idea and started to take on more and more responsibility. The one thing that He is very well aware of however is just how much He is really taking on. He knows me well, He knows how much I can take on and carry on my own, which means He knows how much that will weigh on Him if and when I need to ‘put it down’ for a while to rest and recuperate.

I haven’t changed, I still run around in the world kicking @ss. I think at some point in our journey that started to make Him uncomfortable when I walked through the door. Now a days however, now a days He stands just as tall and strong as I, He laughs when He seems me out there intimidating the h3ll out of the bad guys and He gets an even bigger rush at the thought of me kneeling for Him!

I have recently started following someone who experienced things very differently. The thought of a strong, independent and kick @ss woman as a submissive was made to sound wrong, or ‘less than’ in the circle she found herself in.

It’s a bit of an eye opener for me but good information to have. It makes my work here and the work of all the rest of you strong and capable people all that much more important in the ‘community’. I don’t claim to be part of any group and honestly fitting in has never been my strong suit, but I am ‘His submissive’, and I’m no ‘less’ than anyone else.

Maybe the ones who have a problem with this are simply just not prepared to take on the responsibilities for someone like ‘us’! *wink*

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Dominant or submissive?

I used to do things because I felt a responsibility to take care of Sir and make His life better.

Now I do things because I feel a responsibility to please Him and make His life better.

The things, actions and words are the same or similar …. it’s only in my head that the idea of submissive versus dominant exists. Outside it LOOKS very similar.

This is what my biggest issue has always been, this is why I had such a hard time speaking up. My manners have always been in tact, it’s the now subtle difference between telling and asking that I had to rationalize.

I can and do still speak my mind, only now the choice is His. But I still speak, tell, and ask for what I think, feel and want. Silence is not submission, truth and communication is!

Happy Monday!

Love You Always Sir! ❤

 

Today

Today was just one more day of the many that we have tried to take ‘off’ from work and life in these past few months.

Today was just one more day that got over run by things and responsibilities and serious issues needing solving or attention.

I don’t remember the last time the Bear and I got any time, any day, more than just a few minutes to ourselves – in private.

We might not always be ‘busy’ but we are never alone.

Today however, despite all the interruptions and responsibilities, I got to be His. Today I got to be nijntje. Today I am me.

We’ve been working hard at getting back to where we are both happy, we have been working hard at putting the focus back on us, even when the world is crashing down ….

Thank you My Love, Thank you My Bear, Thank you My Sir! ❤

Little symbolic things

The Bear and I have been bounced around in this roller coaster ride of life for a few months now. Life for me, for us and for the kids has been pretty crazy.

You all know how much I love labels! (Sarcasm, in case you are new.) Well there have been so many names, labels, and words of all types bouncing from side to side that my mind is numb!

Despite the over abundance of names and labels however, the one name I rarely heard was mine, was nijntje! The less I heard my nijntje, the less likely it was that nijntje was going to be standing by and waiting to be lead. I’m not talking days or even weeks, I mean 6 months or more.

You see, when Sir says nijntje I know He sees me, I know He is in the right state energy wise to do what I need Him to do in order for me to be able to follow. No, I don’t have a bunch of expectations when it comes to play, or rewards or doing things for me every time I turn around. I do however need to know that He is paying attention and that I am still on the priority list.

I’ve said before, my level of patience is sometimes more of a curse than a gift. I don’t start to get angry or hurt or worried or upset, I don’t lash out or quit doing or trying my best. No, I just keep on giving, I give and give until I’m running on fumes and then I scrape the bottom to try to give some more. It’s by this point that something might actually come out. When all other options are exhausted and I am on empty.

I am a natural dominant personality in life, when I decide to take on a role, any role in life I won’t give it any less than my best, always and no matter what. This to me is no different. Perhaps that’s why when I crash I spin even further out, because I have put myself out there just as far as far can be. 

Anyhow, lately things have been crazy and I have felt less and less like nijntje and more and more like just me. Me takes care of her own stuff, bothers no one, asks for nothing and picks everyone else up in the mean time. This is where my two worlds collide. When things are going smoothly I can run around in my super cape by day and rest and recuperate at His feet by night. But nijntje was not called on to be or do anything …. so she went away, or considered it anyway.

We have always had a strong relationship, best friends really and always looked out for each other. Sir started getting distant when He felt less than in control, so I gave Him that control. He deserved it, I don’t need it – great fix! right??

Well, almost. As I got deeper into this I found that I could and genuinely enjoyed letting Him be responsible for my needs in other areas too.  These smaller actions are the ones that often get left behind when life gets busy, but these are also the things that I, as a perfectionist, need in order to keep relying on someone. (We’re diving into my psyche here, you might want to jump ship or grab a helmet.)

I can follow the Bear to the ends of the earth and back, I can happily let Him take control of all avenues of life and I will follow any rule and protocol without issue. I will never misstep, I will never misbehave, it’s just the way I am wired. BUT (here’s the thing that you will really get, or really not) if I don’t truly rely on Him then I will forever be ready to step up and take over the second the ball gets dropped. When I’m in that mind-set there is no sub drop, there is no worry or angst or any other emotion that goes along with it. I’m a dominant at heart, I step up and I take on the responsibility whatever it might be. No question, no complaint, no trauma. And never any rest that comes as a side effect of submission.

Patience makes me wait too long to speak up, integrity makes me keep going even if things are no longer even, I gave my word. ‘nijntje’ makes me give it all over to the Bear.

I need to learn to be less patient ….. How often have you heard that said?

** On a side note: The Bear would be better suited with a SAM which is ironic because I’m a smart donkey to everyone else! Maybe I need less patience and less perfection in my life! 😉 *giggle*

Don’t think on this post too long folks, it makes your head hurt, I know! 😛

True ‘this’ and true ‘that’

You know what drives me a bit nutty? When I hear the terms ‘true submissive’ or ‘Real dominant’ – bleh!

Everything in life is a choice, everyone has it in them to be and do whatever they like.

I don’t care for linear thinking, I don’t care for narrow mindedness …

To be just one thing, all the time? Boring …..

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I’m ambidextrous, you are not. Just because you can’t doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist!

Rant done …

The words He says

He told me this weekend that I calm Him, make Him happy …. bring Him peace I think is what He means.

Those thoughts and words bring me peace.

He calms me as well, makes me happy, makes me softer.

I worried a short while ago that I was getting too soft, too soft to fight a good fight which unfortunately the world still asks of me from time to time.

I quickly figured out that it didn’t matter any more, I have a warrior on my side to fight the fight too! I don’t have to be impenetrable any more because He is my armor now.

Peace, yes I think that’s what it’s called.

Happy Monday All!

Love You Always my Wonderful Sir ❤

My ‘submission’ was and is a dominant act.

Confusing? It shouldn’t be. In my view the main responsibility of a dominant is to identify and provide for the needs of those whom they have made themselves responsible.

While in the dominant role at home it became obvious that my husband needed to be in charge in order to feel fulfilled in His role. Where is it written that a dominant can’t choose to let someone else take the lead?

He is capable, responsible, steady, strong and willing. Contrary to some comments and posts I have read, I believe that the privilege to lead is earned not a given …. every leadership role I have been in has been earned, to me this is no different.

I mentioned the other day I’m not entirely sure I have a ‘submissive mindset’ and this is what I was referring to. I made a dominant decision to let Him lead, to give Him the information, respect and responsibility for things inside our home and family. My responsibility now is to be sure to follow through, and so I do.

I’m not saying I don’t get anything out of it, quite the contrary! Having someone to take the burden is obviously a wonderful turn of events and I can tell you I’m enjoying it immensely! 😉

Perhaps this is why I really don’t struggle with ‘submission’, to me it’s a welcome respite from all the other times when I am in the leadership role.

Love You Always Sir ❤