I can throw Him off His throne.

There is something delicate about a dominant that cares, really cares, about the person He is with and the job He is doing.

I think the mainstream term is ‘gas lighting’, I call it manipulation but either way ….

It may be on purpose but I think sometimes it’s just a reaction, a negative reaction to a hard lived life.

The point remains, a submissive can easily dethrone a caring dominant – and a caring dominant can easily be dethroned. That’s where time, wisdom and understanding of your submissive comes into play. The sign of an experienced dominant – OR an experienced submissive!

How do you suppose the Dom learned in the first place?

Yin and Yang – balance – what He holds I yield and what I hold He learns.

Simple, right?? LoL

cropped-awesome-dragon-yin-yang-tattoos-art.jpg

‘Active submission’ – my answer was yes, but not like you would think, probably ….

I tend to be very pragmatic, it gets me into ‘trouble’ at times, not that I care much! *chuckle*

The idea that anyone is or always has been ‘one way’ and can’t be changed is silly. It always has been to me.

Life is a training exercise and we have all been trained to be the way we are by one method or another. With the right tools/skills anyone can train anyone to be whatever it is they choose.

This may fly in the face of all the ‘true’ or ‘real’ advocates but so be it. And it doesn’t matter much what side of the ‘slash’ you fall on.

‘Can a master be trained by a submissive?’

The most accepted term for it in the ‘community’ that I have heard is active submission:

My ‘submission’ was and is a dominant act.

** A re-blog of thoughts gone bye …. to make the comment in my last post perhaps a bit clearer.**

Confusing? It shouldn’t be. In my view the main responsibility of a dominant is to identify and provide for the needs of those whom they have made themselves responsible.

While in the dominant role at home it became obvious that my husband needed to be in charge in order to feel fulfilled in His role. Where is it written that a dominant can’t choose to let someone else take the lead?

He is capable, responsible, steady, strong and willing. Contrary to some comments and posts I have read, I believe that the privilege to lead is earned not a given …. every leadership role I have been in has been earned, to me this is no different.

I mentioned the other day I’m not entirely sure I have a ‘submissive mindset’ and this is what I was referring to. I made a dominant decision to let Him lead, to give Him the information, respect and responsibility for things inside our home and family. My responsibility now is to be sure to follow through, and so I do.

I’m not saying I don’t get anything out of it, quite the contrary! Having someone to take the burden is obviously a wonderful turn of events and I can tell you I’m enjoying it immensely! 😉

Perhaps this is why I really don’t struggle with ‘submission’, to me it’s a welcome respite from all the other times when I am in the leadership role.

Love You Always Sir ❤

I call Bull Sh*t!

They say submission takes strength but many times in my travels i see submissives taking the blame for things and beating themselves up over things that their dom’s didn’t like.

The dom on the other hand runs around doing whatever they want, not listening, not asking and certainly (in my opinion anyway) not caring for the submissive in the way they need. In the way that was agreed upon. When things don’t go right they say it’s because the submissive isn’t trying hard enough.

When the submissive steps outside of what the dom is comfortable with and tries to find their own peace, however that might be, the dom then decides ‘their’ feelings have been hurt and that it’s the ‘worst thing ever in the world, how could you’?

In my dominant life I know one thing, IF I am taking care of things the way they need to be taken care of, NO ONE needs to go look elsewhere. Does this mean I’m perfect in my dealings? No. But I do take on the responsibility of failure and do my best to fix it.

I respect the people who look up to me and depend on me, and I ask for their opinion. Who the h3ll else knows them and their situation better then they?

I might not be interested in BDSM domination but I am dominant in the rest of life. So if a ‘dom’ can’t take responsibility or makes you more miserable then happy in life and causes you to question yourself over and over than I call Bull Sh*t!

That’s why they say submission takes strength. One of those strengths is to stand up for yourself.

 

 

Life is perfect

My relationship with the Bear is perfect! Well, okay maybe not ‘perfect’ but it’s perfect for me, for us.

I may be His submissive but that doesn’t mean i’m stuck dealing with things that bother me or i can’t accept, it doesn’t mean He gets to do whatever He wants without consequence.

Our relationship started in a vanilla sense and many of these limits were already figured out i suppose, but i can’t see me settling for something even if we had only ever been D/s. Does that mean that’s i’m not actually submissive to Him? No, i don’t think so but it does mean that He respects me and my needs and emotions just as much as He wants me to respect Him/His.

Our wants and needs line up pretty well, i guess almost 25 years together will do that to you! *chuckle* I don’t think there is anything He wants that i’m not okay with anyway but if there was i know He would have more respect for me than to disregard my emotional needs and go on with it.

Being my dominant is not about what He wants, it’s about what i need. My needs come first, then He gets whatever it is He wants ….

I might be submissive to my husband but i’m not in any other sense. I can tell you from experience that when i’m in a dominant role the primary objective is NEVER what i want, it’s the needs and requirements of the things/people i have taken responsibility for. It’s only after that has been satisfied that i get to do what i ‘want’.

This D/s relationship is no different. With great power comes great responsibility …..

Colours of responsibility

Originally written a few years ago but it seems to be the theme for a current meme …. *wink*

I wanted to touch on a subject that doesn’t really make itself known in my world very often, but is so important to remember and put into the right light!

Sometime over our wonderful weekend together I had to use my safe word and I called red! Yup, I know …. wow! Now it wasn’t for a physical issue, no accident or anything like that but it was something I just couldn’t work through and so I used my word.

I’m not entirely sure what it was that was causing me to feel this way but no matter how much I tried I just couldn’t get my mind into what we were doing. I don’t mean I wasn’t interested or turned on enough, I mean I just was starting to feel very uncomfortable and wrong. There was no ‘real’ reason for the discomfort I was having but the fact is that it really doesn’t matter, does it?

I could have continued on, put on a brave face and just let things happen but emotionally that is NOT a good way to do things. Using your safe words is not a failure or let down, on either side. It doesn’t mean that you are not good together and it doesn’t mean that you are not trying hard enough …. I think using your safe words is actually a very powerful way of showing commitment and trust.

For all the kink and crazy things we do the last thing my dominant wants to do is hurt me in a real sense …. emotional hurt is just as important and damaging as physical hurt and sometimes even more so. It doesn’t matter if there is no obvious reason as to why it is happening, it still needs to be addressed.

Showing Him I trust Him enough to use my safe words when I need to or am in doubt only serves to strengthen our connection. It shows that I have trusted Him with all of me, all my thoughts and doubts and worries, … even the ones that don’t seem to make sense or might not be pleasing to deal with for Him. THAT is the point of being a dominant after all, to help and care for and provide for another not just when things are easy or sexy but also in their time of need.

Image result for happy couple together

So yes, I called ‘red’, things stopped instantly and within minutes we were talking it out. We both got to feel better and connected and it really wasn’t much time before we were having fun again.

If I hadn’t stopped I would likely be feeling anxious or wrong and doubting all sorts of things about myself and my marriage by now, instead I feel safe and loved and cared for. I have shown Him that He can trust me to be truthful and He has shown me that He can be trusted to care for me, all of me ….. no matter what, without anger, or frustration or hurt.

That’s why He’s my dominant, He has earned the title and continues to do so every day!

That’s why i’m His submissive, i have earned that too …. !

Love You Always my Wonderful ❤

Submissive tasks …

We hear about those all the time, don’t we?

You could be asked to serve either through chores or kinky rituals and body training.

You could be asked to research a new interest you would like to present and talk about, maybe try.

You could be asked to serve by writing about the what or why of a thing. Perhaps what submission means to you. Perhaps what you would like to get out of the experience.

Maybe the task is simply to spell out your current likes and dislikes. A starting point of sorts …..

So what about the dominant?

Should the dominant not also be prepared to answer what they hope to get out of dominating? Where they would like to see the dynamic grow and how?

Should the dominant also not have ‘tasks’ set out to explore and engage in?

There are expectations of the submissive, should that not also translate to complimentary responsibilities for the dominant?

Is there not accountability for dominance, too?

Or do you just follow what they say, because they say so …. with no checks and balances set to ensure harmony?

 

We bought a car!

Well, we did it! We bought the car!

I didn’t get the amount I wanted BUT I did get ALL the issues taken care of and included in the price we discussed. I still got a better deal than they were offering and the Bear is very pleased! I dare say that with them taking care of it all before hand I’ve actually come out ahead at the price agreed to! *chuckle*

It was kind of cute having the poor guy chase us out in the parking lot as we were getting ready to pull away. Those poor fellows are probably still in shock with their heads spinning a bit. It was fun! *grin*

Bending someone over your knee is not the way to control a situation. If you have to get there before they are listening to you, they aren’t listening to you at all! THAT part should be for the fun of it! *wink*

The song is just because I like to dance to it, it’s nice to stretch those dominant muscles every so often! *giggle*

HBIC and I kneel at His feet! *wink*

This past week has brought me the words to finally, I think, explain something that I have been trying to put into words for some time now.

I had posted some time ago that my submission to my husband was in fact a dominant act. I’m not sure how many of you were here then or how many really grasped what I was trying to say. Attempting to embrace other ‘submissive type’ descriptions in order to make this make sense to the masses has added some confusion as to who I AM. Or so that is my impression. So I think I will try again.

Reading a well worded and thought-provoking post from A.C. at The Cracked Lens has sparked the inspiration to try this again. He explains how, in his opinion, a dominant should have a servant’s heart in order to best take care of those around them. This is something I completely agree with.

As someone who often finds themselves in a dominant position I have always found that my first concern is the health/welfare and needs of those I am responsible for. No matter what privileges are afforded to me I never feel right about partaking in any of them if I have not first seen to the needs of all those around me who have made these privileges possible. This is who I am. A dominant with the heart to serve, my family, my friends, my community.

One of the comments that came to light through A.C.’s post also spoke of a submissive/slave serving with dignity and not being prideful in their way of life. I will let you find that on your own should you choose, but it did also spark the second half of this post.

As a dominant (and I’m using these terms for the sake of the general audience of D/s type blogs) and having a servant’s heart, all of your actions should be also done with dignity and not pride. All people should strive to be this way if you ask me, we should all strive to serve our fellow-man to the best of our ability and with a dignified but humble approach. At least that is my opinion but ….

So back to this ‘dominant’ decision to submit to my husband.

When I had the more dominant role He was becoming very unhappy. It was obvious that He was getting more and more removed from me and from our family. I had an idea, one that came from a place in my dominant servant’s heart, that told me what was best for my family, my husband and in turn myself.

Allowing Him to take the lead in our home and in our life allowed Him to feel fulfilled in His role as both my husband and a man. I made the dominant decision to have Him lead.

As far as I’m concerned we are simply two dominant people sharing the same space. We are both striving to do what is best for both each other and our family. Perhaps that’s why when it comes to living and negotiating our way around life we really have no issues. I gave my word to let Him lead and so I do. I don’t fuss or argue, I don’t push His limits for the sake of engaging with him, I don’t get into ‘trouble’ and I don’t break rules. My rules for myself are much stricter than His are for me anyway! *chuckle*

We talk about this division of control just as casually and naturally as we discuss the week’s dinner plans and whether or not we want to go for a dog walk.

Two dominants, both with a servant’s heart, sharing a space and sharing responsibilities. Both doing what works best for our family and for us. Both living with dignity and not pride.

I don’t find submitting to my husband as demeaning and I don’t find it contrary to my dominant personality either. I find it a humble and dignified way to serve, even if it is from a dominant perspective. I’m still His submissive, it just started out as more a need of His that I felt a dominant responsibility to fill.

Everyone confused now? *chuckle*

As to the bedroom, I find no excitement in dominating there. He can totally do that part! *wink* I also happen to be a masochist who gets no excitement from the other side of that coin either.

The Bear is a sadist who finds dominating in the bedroom much to His liking, submitting – not at all. He is totally NOT a masochist! LoL

At the end of the day, this arrangement works out perfectly for us, that’s the point after all, isn’t it? *wink*

Now if we could just find a bit more alone time! LoL It’s getting easier to sneak time in, things are finally looking up there too!

 

More reality, …. it’s not really about the sex and BDSM

…. although it is pretty fantastic!! *grin*

Today is yet another example of how ‘D/s’ has influenced my life. There is a classic car show that we have been going to every year for a few years now. I did a write-up about it, it was a good solid dynamic building experience for both of us, you can read it here!

Today is the day, and we didn’t go, and it was my ‘fault’! I know the Bear would never blame me and it won’t ever be mentioned again but I’m nobody’s fool, I know what went down! *giggle*

I know He wanted to go, I had already picked out the dress I was going to wear and sensible by appropriate shoes to go along. He likes to see how many eyes turn away from the cars when I walk by! LoL Silly old Bear ….

Today however the day is not very pleasant, it’s hot and humid and hazy. This does not help my body at all right now, or my allergies. I have already taken something for the pain (which I don’t normally) and something for my allergies and I’m still not functioning very well. My joints hurt, I have a splitting headache that comes and goes and I’m limping off and on.

I don’t hide from Him anymore, no matter what the agenda holds. I also don’t argue or feel guilty about whatever happens or whatever He decides. He is a big boy and He can make His own decisions. I am not His Momma or His keeper …. *exhales* what a relief! To be married to an adult, and know it! *chuckle*

I think many of us make ourselves responsible and worried about things when we really have no need to be. This dynamic means that He’s the Boss and He has final say. It also means that I am to be truthful and honest, always. Isn’t that funny? I think so, it takes a dynamic to makes us realize that we should treat our husbands like adults! *chuckle* Anyway ….

So today without much discussion, He decided we would stay home, the cars are always the same and over the years we really have seen them all.

Today He decided to play with me off and on, which helps my pain levels and of course keeps us connected, and to just relax.

I could feel bad or feel guilty because He missed it. I could have pushed to go, trying to manipulate the situation thinking I knew best. I could have hid my situation and paid for it later, making Him upset and likely feel guilty because of the outcome. I didn’t.

I let Him see what was going on and let Him decide what to do about it, that’s the point of it all after all, isn’t it? So I’m sitting here icing my knee, I feel better, we got some play time and He feels like He has taken care of me …

I’m guessing THAT feeling is worth more to Him than missing a car show that we have seen many times before. And I don’t feel guilty at all, I feel proud of myself for letting Him lead… *wink*

Thoughts anyone?