Venting and clearing my mind …

This post/vent is an attempt to clear my mind. If you are easily offended or think any of this is about you, then stop reading now. This is my blog, my attempt to clear my head and work things out and carry on with My life the way it best suits Me, Us.

I understand that many people don’t do things like we do, and that’s your prerogative, but this is ours …. I thought I had made it clear a few posts back that I was going to be a bit ‘off’ and possibly sounding different then myself. Apparently that isn’t clear enough, let me try again.

I am venting, I am frustrated, hurt, angry, sad, grieving and heartbroken and stressed …. I am not in the right mind place to answer any hypothetical comments with clarity or poise.

Sir is just as upset and frustrated and tired as I am, the death is not the only thing we have going on at this time. That being said we did spend day and night by Grandma’s bed side, neither of us is yet fully back to our right schedule let alone mindset. I don’t think it needs to be a blood relative for someone to seriously be affected by watching a full-grown woman wither away to 70 pounds, unable to speak, unable to eat and swallow and basically die a slow death of starvation as her body shuts down bit by bit. I don’t think it matters if she is a blood relative when you are at the bedside watching the life and vitality slowly fade and her eyes glass over … as the morphine starts to kick in, the only saving grace.

It might not have been His grandmother but He does know how important she was to me and that alone was a stress on Him. If there is one thing Sir can’t handle it’s watching Me suffer, so yes He was just as hurt even if for a different reason.

Although on a completely different level then death of a loved one we are also in the middle of major surgery with one of our dogs, a beloved pet. Yes we are ‘those’ people, we care deeply about our animals and spare no expense to help what we can. The dog needed knee surgery which she received, major surgery (TPLO) and is in the middle of recovery with all this going on around us as well. Less than 3 weeks after the process she went and tore out her second knee effectively leaving no good leg to put weight on. As a result the first ‘fixed’ leg was over worked and began to swell, a LOT of fluid built up and we worried about infection. If that was to happen the plate in her leg would need to be removed, essentially meaning that the dog would need to be put down, and now of all times. We were running the dog to the vet in the middle of hoping that grandma didn’t pass while we were out.

Enter next stress factor, the surgery(s) combined will cost about $7 000 excluding anything extra with checkups and meds etc. This is probably not a good time to take time off work without pay. Well under the circumstances that is exactly what we have been doing, a lot of time off …. It’s only money that’s for certain but as the head of the family don’t you think that too is a stress on Sir right now?

Next stress factor, and this one is also shared, our oldest son is already on medications to help with his mood and stress management. I’m not going into details but we are obviously both worried about how he is handling all this, it’s not the first time he has wanted to kill himself ….. is that enough of a stress on Sir to now say we are both completely surrounded by trauma?

And no, we are still no less D/s and nothing has gone on hold ….. perhaps I should just say we are NOT D/s, because when it is simply who you are and not what you are trying to be it becomes impossible to put yourself on ‘hold’.

Like I’ve posted before, this is not a lifestyle in our house, it is simply life.

 

Not less D/s, not on a break …

I’m going to start by saying I’m a bit stressed so if you are sensitive or take things personally, please stop reading …

I have just gone through the most stressful and heartbreaking couple of months in my content adult life. The last couple of weeks in particular have been some of the hardest I have ever dealt with.

I long ago gave up on wishing for or hoping for things for myself, but the one thing I have always been good at was taking care of others. The one other I cared most about caring for was my Grandmother. I strongly believe that this woman gave me my morals and my values, she gave me my strength enough to even make it to adulthood and she was certainly the Matriarch of this family. With her help I was able to grow into the strong and able person I am today …. and she was dying. How stressed do you suppose I am ….???

Through all of this time, especially once things became evident that the end was near, our D/s was still strong. My commitment to my husband and to my lifestyle didn’t falter, it didn’t go on hold …. the sex, the kink and the flirting might have taken a back seat but the dynamic was/is intact. I didn’t go to Him less, I counted on Him more ….

His job, in my opinion, is to take care of me, and so I let Him. If I needed something I told Him and if I was having an issue with something or dealing with something then I told Him that too.  I might have had a little more trouble dealing with the small irritations of life but I didn’t scrap my manners and decorum … (I’m pretty sure I had a slight tone in my voice a couple of times, I know I did in my mind), our rules and rituals were still adhered to and all manners and ‘places’ were intact as well.

I guess that’s why I’m an advocate for making sure your rules are real and matter, to you both, because if they do then even in the face of the most challenging times your D/s can still be intact and still be something you can both count on to pull you through.

D/s is not kink, it is not sex, it is not unyielding and it is not cruel or unmoving … at least mine is not! It should be good for you both and it should make you stronger and more sure in the face of trauma and stress, not less. Your D/s connection especially as a submissive should give you a safe place to fall when you need strength, it shouldn’t make you overwhelmed or unsure … you should run to it, not away from it.

So no, I really don’t understand when people say that life has taken over and my D/s had to take a back seat because to me that is when my D/s is at the forefront. It might not be kinky or sexy but I’m sure as f*ck counting on Him to lead!

Love You Sir ❤

 

 

 

 

Rest In Peace Vóvó

Gramma passed away today, peacefully and surrounded by family and love. I’m not sure if there is any ‘good’ way but under the circumstances I guess this would be all we could ask for.

She was a tough lady with a heart of gold, she didn’t mince words but she wasn’t cruel either. Always wanted the best for those around her and never let anything stop her from being the best person she could be.

A hard worker and never a complainer, if there was a job to do you could bet she had her sleeves rolled up and at the ready …. with a smile on her face and a song in her heart.

When I grow up vóvó I want to be just like you ….. You will always be in my heart!

Good night Dear One ❤