No knife play or blood play is one of my hard limits, no question. This very simple quote holds a lot of meaning to me and I think speaks to why experimenting like this would never work for us even though I have been clean for over 25 years now.

The sight of my own blood spilling forth sets me back in control.

The type of ‘control’ I got from it allowed me to shut off and break away from the entire world. ‘The Great Wall of Nijntje’ is what I call it now, I never honestly thought I would get past it, I never really thought I would want to.

I know without a doubt that if I dabbled in blood sports I would very quickly harden my heart again, it’s easy for me and I’m not one to run on emotions as it is.

The only one to have ever crossed the wall is the Bear, the children were born inside so I’m not sure that counts, that part comes with being a mom.

I have a couple of friends and many acquaintances but no one else is inside that wall. I like it that way and I have no intention of changing it. Like I said before it’s part of my personality and I’m comfortable in that, no need to change.

Please do take the time to read the post, it’s very short but to the point. It’s also why I think that if you are or were a cutter, playing with knives is a bad idea. The things it does to your brain are not undone ….

“By now, if I don’t bleed, I don’t feel better. The sight of my own blood spilling forth sets me back in control. I like to think when I cut, “Okay, now all the pain in your head is in your skin.” Once the scratches and cuts stop hurting, I do it again and feel […]


A second opinion

I’ve been reading as usual and something I read has led me to this post. Now, it’s not that I disagree with what I read it’s just that there are always more than just one side to things and since this subject happens to relate very closely to my own life I thought I’d chime in, again. I have touched on this before on the blog and now here is yet another way of going about it.

I think the fact that I am in a TPE relationship is obvious, and I’m pretty sure that the fact that I enjoy BDSM is also obvious. I haven’t hidden the fact that I have in the past struggled with self harm and mental health issues. Obviously you don’t start hurting yourself if everything is fine and dandy with your mental and emotional state.

What I’m not sure is understood, especially by those of you newer to the blog is that I did not participate in either of these things before my mental and emotional well-being was stable. Heck it isn’t just stable, it’s kick @ss and strong!

When I was still figuring things out the last thing I would have been able to do was be part of a D/s relationship or ‘play’. As a matter of fact I found both of those things to be very much a turn off! It was most certainly not something I would have considered and as a matter of fact any mention of submitting to a husband in any respect was cause to send me into an all out rant. I was young, the people in my life were not very healthy and I was not with The Bear …. and any of what I am doing now was completely outrageous to me.

By the time I did meet and marry the Bear I was ready to follow Him but still no labels or symbols were used. I’m certain that it would have gone very sideways, very fast. Accepting anything that sounded like submission didn’t come into play until long after all my demons were slayed.

Why am I talking about this now? Well there is a school of thought that says D/s or BDSM practitioners have had or do have trauma and issues to deal with and that is why they crave the activities they do. I’m sure that there are many times that that statement holds true however, there are also many times that it is perfectly normal and natural to enjoy what we enjoy and pain and suffering of the past really has nothing to do with it. For every article saying it does, there is another saying it doesn’t, or at least it doesn’t have to.

The fact is that when I was still struggling and if I was still struggling the last thing I would do is D/s or BDSM, truth is anything related to that would receive a punch in the face from me! The only reason I want and crave the life I have now is because I no longer have the pain of the past to mask and complicate my life.

So yes for some it is a need brought on by trauma, but for others it’s just a natural and perfectly normal way of living, especially when done in a happy and mentally healthy environment. There are always two sides …..

Just because we like it doesn’t mean we’re broken. Some of us like it because we’re ‘fixed’! *wink*


Jumping Jacks indeed!

Warning: This is a personal post, trigger warning ….. self harm.

Please note if you choose to read, this is not a social commentary, this is not about dynamics or relationships or play practices. This is mine, my post, my need, my want to rejoice! I’m not even trying to explain my views here …. this is just my win.

Words and choice of subject matter might not be what you are used to here but to handle my demons of the past I had to turn into one h3ll of a tough SOB! I don’t need that part of me now but I won’t hide and I won’t apologize for it either. It’s part of who I am and part of what helped me survive … and all I have to say now is ‘jump M*** F**** jump!’

I’ve been holding on to this post for almost 3 weeks now. Last Friday night I couldn’t sleep once more, not due to stress or anything but I have always had a touch of insomnia since I was little and now with the menoBeast it likes to plague me from time to time, no biggie – just tired! It does leave me much time to think and normally those thoughts end up on ‘paper’ so I can finally get them out of my head. The last one was this post ….

I think mostly I didn’t want to get it down on ‘paper’ because I didn’t want anyone thinking it was about them, it’s not … it’s just me saying a big old F* You! to my demons …. because they no longer own me, they no longer hold any power.

Some of you might know that I have had some struggles in the past and one way for me to deal with the hurt and pain and anger of the sh*t I was dealt was to use self harm, cutting and burning in particular. The cutting used to make me feel like a pressure valve was released, I could inhale, take a breath, the noose was slightly loosened. The other side was the blood, oozing out was like a calming river, taking me into this space in my mind where everything was quiet and peaceful, like a strung out druggie I suppose. Completely spaced out and numb to the world for a while …

Well about 3 weeks ago this happened –

It was completely by accident, and I am not in the habit of sharing pictures of myself but this is just to show the extent of the cut. It’s the first time something like this has happened since I quit cutting on purpose. This is after trying unsuccessfully to stop the bleeding, at first the blood was draped down my leg like a cherry red curtain.

First I was annoyed but my second thought was, uh oh am I going to have any hint of satisfaction or emotional numbness? Is this going to be a trigger for me, am I going to have a taste of what I haven’t done and then want more? Life has been exceedingly hectic lately and stress has not been shy about making an appearance, daily!

To my extreme pleasure I felt nothing!!! That’s right you SOBs of the past, nothing, not one damn thing …. I have been saying for years that I am over you but I have never tested that theory – I guess the universe decided to do it for me! 25 years later … It has been 25 years since I have done this to myself and I felt nothing even slightly close to want or need for it!

This isn’t anything I would ever try just to be sure, it’s like celebrating your 25 years of sobriety with a ‘drink’ to me, but the universe gave me more than enough to prove that this demon no longer holds anything over me, my coin, my token, my 25 years anniversary.


25 years ago when I quit hurting myself I turned to music, lyrics – for power. Most days now I look for happy … but when I look for power and inner strength …. probably not what you would assume! Enjoy ….