Warning: This is a personal post, trigger warning ….. self harm.
Please note if you choose to read, this is not a social commentary, this is not about dynamics or relationships or play practices. This is mine, my post, my need, my want to rejoice! I’m not even trying to explain my views here …. this is just my win.
Words and choice of subject matter might not be what you are used to here but to handle my demons of the past I had to turn into one h3ll of a tough SOB! I don’t need that part of me now but I won’t hide and I won’t apologize for it either. It’s part of who I am and part of what helped me survive … and all I have to say now is ‘jump M*** F**** jump!’
I’ve been holding on to this post for almost 3 weeks now. Last Friday night I couldn’t sleep once more, not due to stress or anything but I have always had a touch of insomnia since I was little and now with the menoBeast it likes to plague me from time to time, no biggie – just tired! It does leave me much time to think and normally those thoughts end up on ‘paper’ so I can finally get them out of my head. The last one was this post ….
I think mostly I didn’t want to get it down on ‘paper’ because I didn’t want anyone thinking it was about them, it’s not … it’s just me saying a big old F* You! to my demons …. because they no longer own me, they no longer hold any power.
Some of you might know that I have had some struggles in the past and one way for me to deal with the hurt and pain and anger of the sh*t I was dealt was to use self harm, cutting and burning in particular. The cutting used to make me feel like a pressure valve was released, I could inhale, take a breath, the noose was slightly loosened. The other side was the blood, oozing out was like a calming river, taking me into this space in my mind where everything was quiet and peaceful, like a strung out druggie I suppose. Completely spaced out and numb to the world for a while …
Well about 3 weeks ago this happened –
It was completely by accident, and I am not in the habit of sharing pictures of myself but this is just to show the extent of the cut. It’s the first time something like this has happened since I quit cutting on purpose. This is after trying unsuccessfully to stop the bleeding, at first the blood was draped down my leg like a cherry red curtain.
First I was annoyed but my second thought was, uh oh am I going to have any hint of satisfaction or emotional numbness? Is this going to be a trigger for me, am I going to have a taste of what I haven’t done and then want more? Life has been exceedingly hectic lately and stress has not been shy about making an appearance, daily!
To my extreme pleasure I felt nothing!!! That’s right you SOBs of the past, nothing, not one damn thing …. I have been saying for years that I am over you but I have never tested that theory – I guess the universe decided to do it for me! 25 years later … It has been 25 years since I have done this to myself and I felt nothing even slightly close to want or need for it!
This isn’t anything I would ever try just to be sure, it’s like celebrating your 25 years of sobriety with a ‘drink’ to me, but the universe gave me more than enough to prove that this demon no longer holds anything over me, my coin, my token, my 25 years anniversary.
I AM FREE!
25 years ago when I quit hurting myself I turned to music, lyrics – for power. Most days now I look for happy … but when I look for power and inner strength …. probably not what you would assume! Enjoy ….