Because He knows …

Rules, I haven’t got many of them really. I have some but outside of kinky ones the rest are really few and far between. I think the reason I don’t have many rules is because my Sir already knows that I respect Him and will obey, no question, no complaint.

The idea of rules I think (in any situation, not kink) is to keep you from straying, to keep you safe and to teach you right from wrong …. so if you are already doing all these things anyway, what rules can there possibly be to add?

Our rules are more in the ‘spirit of’ than the ‘letter of the law’ … I know that Sir does not want me hurt (kink aside) so if following through would cause harm (physical or emotional) then the rule is put aside until such time as He can be made aware and make a decision. Rule # 1 is to protect nijntje, if I’m an @ss about that to follow some rule, well then I WOULD be in trouble! The spirit of, He knows if it was an honest concern or just an ‘I can’t be bothered right now’.  There is a big difference …..

I would get in trouble for doing too much, not the other way around …. any of you who are like me know just how hard it is to stop. This is probably the truest and biggest rule I have, and the hardest one to follow …. but at the end of the day it’s also the most fulfilling because not only do I get to please Sir, I also learn that I am worth while caring for.

So there might not be many, but they sure can be challenging!!!

Love You Sir ❤

Punishments, corrections, and other disciplinary actions

(Thinking out loud so don’t anyone go getting in a tizzy!)

If you have followed my blog for any length of time you will know that I very rarely get into trouble. We are coming up on my 1 year anniversary for being trouble-free!

When we first started doing this ‘thing’ (call it what you will or won’t) I was very much looking for accountability, looking for Sir to be all take charge and make me pay for my mistakes etc. etc. I was sort of wishing for a letter of the law type deal, and all the I’s dotted and T’s crossed etc. Well that didn’t happen, at least not exactly like that …

First off I’ve never been rude or disrespectful or just dismissive of my husband. It’s just not my personality, I would prefer to be single or elsewhere then have that type of life. I’m not just saying that, I’ve been there. Between my childhood and my first few relationships growing up I experienced enough to know what I didn’t want and I did leave each one. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t without risk and loneliness but I just couldn’t live any other way, I couldn’t live with myself.

Anyway, back to punishments, my first instinct was that I wanted them, craved them, almost couldn’t wait to be in trouble as much as I ‘feared’ being in trouble. I wanted to feel that He was in charge, He was in control and that I really did need to be accountable. When we were doing the part-time/kinky thing on weekends and hadn’t realized it really was much more than that it was exactly what I wanted. Now however, it is much different.

The idea alone of disappointing Him is unbearable to me, there is no physical punishment that could compare. If I’m completely honest, the look of disappointment is probably the hardest to bear. I’d take a physical punishment anytime, but to be completely honest if my heart wasn’t in it I really don’t think it would be effective anyway. To me the idea of a physical punishment is more in keeping with a ‘payment and forgotten’ which is more for My benefit then His.  It allows me to feel like I’ve made amends and He can physically see that I do mean it, nothing else really, but then we don’t have physical punishments that don’t first involve communication and resolution. In our home punishment is closure.

I don’t agree with sex as punishment, I don’t think it’s effective or sane. I wrote and earlier post on that and my view hasn’t changed. I think you are either ultimately getting off on it, or you are being psychologically and physically abused. Either way it’s not effective in bringing about a healthy change ….

But I do like the physical domination, I do like the feel of his hands on me and I do like the thought and feel of my ass on fire! So we play, or so I ask … We have talked about what makes me feel His, balanced, owned and happy and we came up with (and continue to) a game plan. I can have the physical release and the physical domination and the sting and sore ALL without being in trouble or feeling guilty!

Sometimes we use reset spankings/play and sometimes it’s called maintenance and other times it’s just balance. It doesn’t matter what we call it or what we use but I am not in trouble. Normally it takes between 1 to 2 hours and some times I get to orgasm at the end and sometimes I get ‘used’ and yet others nothing sexual at all. It’s physical, it’s HEAT and it’s HOT but it’s not trouble and it’s not tiresome. If you’re always in trouble, are you really learning or changing anything?

I still want to be corrected by Him if He sees fit but I would rather make sure I’m not in trouble and get my needs met otherwise then test and push to be sure He’s still with me. I think that if you test and push instead of speaking up you will end up with a DOM that feels like a domineering jerk, and they won’t like their place or want to continue, and you will inevitably feel let down and alone.

Talk, plan, be honest and be open, together …. a relationship takes two so be part of that two. Besides, in my opinion no real DOM will want to lead you without first knowing what your needs and wants really are! How else can they possibly do their job and keep you safe, satisfied and happy?

They might be dominant but they still can’t read your mind……

So when I said to Sir one night long ago that I was hoping He would have been more strict, He told me that He got what He wanted out of it, and He didn’t want to turn into a mindless jerk! He was right of course, …. that’s why He’s the Boss!

Love You Sir ❤

 

 

 

A good read – Is Submission a Gift? — Love Letters to a Unicorn

“Submission is a gift.” I hear that phrase constantly in the kink community. I hear submissives say it. I hear Dom(me)s say it. Switches say it. I have said it. Pretty much everyone I hear speak about submission at some point utters this phrase. It seems almost like assumed knowledge in the kink world. But […]

via Is Submission a Gift? — Love Letters to a Unicorn

A lot of good information here ….

For anyone new and trying to work things out or for anyone who’s been in this for a while, there is a lot of good information here and maybe even a few reminders ….

1. Be Patient “To the Dominant, I say this: Until you enter into a relationship with a submissive, you have no more right to order him/her around than does anyone else. Give your submissive time to get to know you and what you are like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of Dominance. Similarly, strength […]

via The Top 10 rules of D/s — shahrazadstory

Calling all readers …..

If you’re standing on the outside and looking in and you have a question or just a curiosity feel free to email me and ask. I will try my best to give you my take on whatever it is!

Sir does not ask for specific posts He just likes to know what’s on my mind but I’m finding that I have less and less to worry about or ask for and more free time with nothing to write about! I will not go into specifics about my sex life but I can explain any of the mechanics if that is your question…. related to menopause, or bruising, or whatever!

73nijntje@gmail.com

(or set up a chat)

 

What happens when Sir isn’t Sir-ing ???

So, I’d love to say that this never happens, that He’s always on the ball and in charge and taking care of business DOM wise. I’d love to say that He is perfect and infallible and can pull this stuff out of His …ummm….hat? lol

Let’s face it, dominants are people too …. sometimes they get side tracked, or preoccupied or just simply don’t see what needs to be done. This is where I call on my submissive strength and carry on. This means the strength He has already given me when He is on the ball! I trust what he has told me, I trust that He wants to be there and help me and I trust that He wants me to be honest and ask ….

So I pull up my ‘big girl panties’, put my misconceptions and ego aside and I talk! I talk to Him, I tell Him how I feel, what I think I need, what I think I want. I let Him decide what to do about it and how to go about it, but I ask, talk, tell! Dominant does not mean mind reader, or perfect, or all-knowing …. but it should mean able and willing to listen, care and act once I have asked.

So what if He doesn’t act like the guy in the story book, or more importantly, the guy in my fantasy …. the guy in front of me loves me and cares for me, all I have to do is give Him ALL the information.

I don’t hint, I don’t pout and I don’t beat around the bush. I speak openly, honestly and respectfully and mostly I trust in Him. I might not always get what I want, but He always gives me what I need!

Love You Sir ❤

 

Expectations – being worthy …..

In case there was any confusion on the last post about dominance I just wanted to clear up my view of my responsibility towards a submissive mindset and personal expectations.

Obviously my writings are going to be about my own experiences either in my daily life or in the paths I have crossed with others. For everything I write there are many other experiences and ideals out there that I know nothing about, I simply have not experienced it or found myself in any similar situation. Back to the topic at hand ….

I am not/ nor have I ever been the type of person to think things are owed to me. I have always worked very hard to make my own way and I have never put exaggerated expectations on anyone. What I do expect however is to be treated fairly and with respect. I do not believe there is ever a time for anyone to act cruelly towards another, anything you need to say and any point you need to make can be made in a civilized manner.

Toxic relationships and toxic people are what I would deem not worthy. I am careful to stay away from those types of situations because they do not help my mindset in any respect; not as a submissive and not in life in general.

My dominant would have a very hard time correcting me on something if He Himself was not able to fulfill that same expectation. Being hypocritical is definitely not something he could live with and therefor the expectation of ‘good’ I was referring to was His own expectation of himself. The post was meant to show just a little of the dominant view when asked to fulfill this role we are asking of them … and why some new dominants might be hesitant to step into those shoes.

The story about the dog walk was meant to show that part of submission is staying the course and stepping up our efforts when our DOMs have taken a step back. This is a huge responsibility that we are asking them to take on and in my case anyway my dominant puts huge expectations on Himself in order to deem Himself worthy of leading me …  This might not be exactly what I asked of Him but it is exactly how He took it regardless.

I decided a long time ago that He was worthy or I wouldn’t be here, but I guess that’s what makes me the warrior. I am quite capable and happy to go it alone …. I chose Sir because He is worthy, my job now is to follow but I won’t forget that it is a big job to lead.

Submitting to me means doing what I know He would want, even if He hasn’t yet asked me too, even if He’s not here right now, and even if He’s just not able to take it on right now. I do for Him because I feel it’s right and not because I expect it to be reciprocated.

I know there is a lot here left to be said but I think this is far enough for now ….

Dominance = responsibility

Asking someone to become your dominant is basically asking them to take on huge amounts of responsibility, not just for you but also for themselves!

Now obviously the person you are asking is a responsible human being or you wouldn’t be giving them this opportunity, but you are now asking them to be SO GOOD that they are worthy of your submission. This is not an easy task, you are asking them to help you and guide you when you want to go off and be ‘naughty’ but that means they need to be better then good …..  ALL THE TIME in order to be worthy.

Think about it, you think yourself a good person, you think yourself someone who tries, but now you want your DOM to be better then what you are and guide you into ….. perfection? We all know that doesn’t exist but that is what you are asking for …. ‘take me as close as I can be to perfect please Sir’.

You wonder why some might have issues or questions about what they are doing or why … I think that pretty much sums it up, don’t you?

If you are into the kinky side of D/s then your DOM is into even more confusion. You are asking them to be good, and worthy and put your needs at the forefront of everything, never let you down, never let you fall, always watch out for you …. but take you, and ‘hit’ you (consensual) and maybe even ‘force’ you (also consensual) but all the while doing the above?!?!?!

The idea of D/s is that you can be your best and worst ….. because someone has got your back. What do you have for them??? Sex and blow jobs is not enough ….. where are you when they are worried or they are down? Yes it is still your life, and you do have a responsibility in it.

I read once a long time ago someone said – I took my dog for a walk but I didn’t feel like I could lead, I didn’t feel like much of anything so I let him go. I took his collar off but he didn’t go anywhere, he stayed by my side, he waited until I was ready and he stayed …. Once I figured myself out and got myself back together I grabbed the leash and collar and put it back where it belonged and we continued our walk.

You can have me and understand me Sir – with both – Slut and Lady – then I can understand you with both too Sir – Leader and Worry ….

I love both, just as you do …

Love You Always ❤

 

Rules and Rituals overload ….

No not for me or my relationship but I have been giving some thought to the way some people in TTWD are trying to/or have organized their daily lives, and how I think I would feel about it.

I see a D/s relationship in much the same light as any other relationship that we human beings share. Anything over time tends to becomes second nature, usual, less exciting and dare I say it …. sometimes boring?

Most of us, especially those of us who started down this journey as an after thought to our relationship or marriage were looking to spice things up, make it fresh and new again, add some excitement. Maybe we wanted to change the balance of our dynamic for one reason or another we felt that dominant/submissive in our relationship was what we wanted and how we wanted to feel.

Most often I hear of submisives wanting rules and lists and rituals to feel the dominant presence and to know the dynamic is intact and working. That’s fair enough, and it works for a while …. but then the nervous excitement wains. You are left with a bunch of rules and rituals that might start to feel basic and unnecessary or over the top and more of a burden then a grateful act done in love and respect. I guess this is what they mean when they say ‘our D/s is on the back burner’ or ‘life has gotten in the way’.

I think keeping the core rules and rituals simple and meaningful is the key. By doing things that actually mean something to you and your dominant the feeling of ‘right’ is always with you. By keeping things simple it allows for your D/s to exist no matter what life throws at you and for many windows of opportunity for new and exciting things to happen and to keep you on your toes!

In my own life for example I have a few set expectations and rules that I follow, that Sir has decided are important and needed for us both to be where we are most comfortable. There are not many but they all mean something important and any one of them would signal a big problem if for whatever reason they were not done. These things don’t ever go ‘on the back burner’ or ‘on hold until we can start our D/s again’.

By only having the important things set out as rules however it does leave a lot of room for changes and surprises to happen through the days and weeks and more importantly over time ….. things don’t get to feel like the same ole same ole because I never quite know what’s going to happen next! We have our limits that were discussed and agreed to so basically everything within that play ground could be called upon at any time! Talk about always on the edge of your seat ….!  lol 😀

I realize that some people prefer to have things set out and ritualized and scheduled from morning to night. Some people are very comfortable knowing exactly what is going to happen next and how, now and forever amen. There is nothing wrong with that and I think if it makes you happy then by all means do it!

For me however, I am easily bored with the same thing over and over. My mind normally works on a subject until I ‘solve it’ and then I’m ready for the next puzzle, the next new learning experience. I dissect the actions of everyday life and figure out what it is that makes it important or worthy of being done. Doing the same thing day in and day out just because is simply not for me. I need more meaning then that, I find comfort in growing and expanding my horizons not in familiar rituals. (Unless like I said earlier they are important to your core being.) I want to be surprised, I want to be off balance and I want to be nervously excited about what my dominant might ask for next …. I don’t want to know in advance. I want to forever keep it fresh ….

As long as the dominant keeps doing something or asking for something that keeps the power exchange on the forefront of your mind then this method keeps things exciting and new. Everything is within the agreed upon limits of course but not knowing exactly what or when He might want something from me next keeps me both mindful when it happens and excited to see what’s next.

Just my thoughts on what it looks like 10 years in ….. or 20 years. We all started off excited and into each other when we got married and then things eventually started to be the same everyday. What happened next? There is no reason to believe this dynamic is immune to human nature. So I like it this way, always an element of surprise and never exactly what I was expecting …. fresh! 🙂

It is called a dynamic after all – not a static! LOL

Love You Sir Always ❤

 

 

 

Life vs. Lifestyle

I’ve been thinking a bit lately about what we are doing here and I think I’ll have to go back to basics. I don’t consider myself/us living any sort of lifestyle. I’m not interested in fitting into anyone else’s rules or rituals and frankly I am completely uninterested in pursuing this with anyone else or any where else.

My idea of the perfect scenario is more Downton Abbey then FSOG. I treat you with that type of decorum and respect not all sorts of silly games or rituals. I can speak freely as long as I’m polite and wait for the appropriate time. I respect if you have other things to do and I look to you for the last say on everything.

My life is more about old fashioned manners and respect then some lifestyle from books and players. You are Lord and Master of this house and I am the Lady of the house, not because I need to be submissive or I need you to take on responsibility for me because I can’t do it myself.

None of this is done because I can’t manage on my own, it’s done because it makes you happy. I do it because you are my husband, because you have earned it and because you deserve my respect. It may be old fashioned and traditional but it works as long as the back bone is trust, love, respect and open honest communication, then it works.

My submission is not a means to an end, it is only the beginning of a new experience. I don’t offer this to you because I need it, I do it because I want to. Your dominance is not because you have to, it’s because you want to offer this to me. We are both mature enough to carry on with or without it, we just happen to like it better this way. It works for us this way.

I have gained a liking for BDSM but frankly that has nothing to do with the rest of life. You can easily play that way regardless of what you do the rest of the day, they are not part and partial to each other. Enter bedroom submissive here …..

The other dominant/submissive rituals we are implementing are here because we like them, they work for us, they mean something to us. Everyone has to find their own balance in their own relationship and life. Some are just kinky fun, no one ever said life had to be boring! LOL

We have certainly found some interesting ideas along the way and some we have chosen to use and some we ignored but not because we wanted to fit into some lifestyle, because they happened to fit nicely into our life!

Love You Always Sir ❤