It’s not always the what, it’s the why! And it’s always about perspective.

Just because someone is a dominant doesn’t mean that they always get it right. Sometimes they get it wrong and this weekend Bear completely misread the situation!

This post isn’t about complaining and it’s not about getting co-misery either, it’s about understanding and perspective. Just because i’m completely content in my dynamic doesn’t mean it’s perfect. It doesn’t mean that nothing ever goes wrong, it means that i’m content in spite of the fact that things DO sometimes go wrong. I’d like to share with you why/how that works for me.

Bear has done something that i really don’t like, it goes completely against my character and He may not realize, but it’s actually something i much prefer to avoid, at all costs! People-ing! And especially when the people-ing is in my regard AND as a result of a forgotten birthday!

His mom and dad are always on the ball with occasions and they have never failed to share love and affection with me. I am very lucky in this family dynamic and there isn’t a day that i don’t appreciate it BUT as luck would have it there has been a lot going on this year and they forgot. And i was relieved …. *sigh*

I hate being the center of attention and i would rather have less gatherings than more in my life. It’s not about the people coming it’s about me. I get exhausted having to deal with people, even the most pleasant and loving ones …. it’s just who i am. It’s not anxiety either, i’m just that much of an introvert!

Well, once Bear figured out that they had forgotten He texted them a reminder. That led to a very apologetic phone call and now a coffee and tea date, tonight!

I/We have spent the entire weekend outside getting caught up on yard work. The house hasn’t been touched and not only that it’s been made messier with the dust and dirt we brought in. My chronic issues make it that i’m very sore and exhausted today and now i have a house to clean.

I’ve had work a few hours this morning and i have a couple more hours of scheduled work this afternoon. The house needs to be cleaned, dinner prepared and my kids run around town here and there ….. Somehow i’m going to be ready for visitors tonight …. OYE!

I could be totally b*tchy about it, i could be p*ssed that i’m in this situation and that He didn’t give me any thought. It would be one valid course of thinking i suppose, but i’m not. I know He didn’t do it because He wasn’t thinking of me, He did it because He was. He wanted to make sure i was seen and appreciated on my day and i know that. He also knows that His parents would feel just awful if they did somehow miss it entirely and He was looking out for that as well.

I get it ….. i just don’t like. I have told Him how i feel and why. Now it’s time to get my bunny butt in gear, because i have company coming tonight and i still have lots to do!!

It’s not the what, it’s the why …. and what perspective i choose to follow!

Hopefully i can get rewarded with a short flogging session later tonight, to ease my aching body!

i close my eyes

when i’m most submissive, i close my eyes

it might be an ‘artsy’ thing, and yes i use that term gratuitously

my creative self is the one i hold most dear i think …

because it’s the one that speaks to the heart of me

the part that still has hopes and dreams

… so like most artists when they speak, i close my eyes ….

when i let you see me like that, that’s when i’m the most vulnerable

the most submissive;

because that’s when i let you see ‘me’

that’s when i’m NOT on the look out

Just like this …..

~Cheers!

 

Maturing into submission

I don’t think i’ll surprise anyone who has been doing this for a while when i say that things change and flow sometimes in a completely different direction than you thought when you add D/s to an existing, ‘vanilla’ marriage. No matter the reason you started, it almost always moves on it’s on accord and NOT what you envisioned. *chuckle*

My last post commented on the idea that i don’t personally find domestic duties to be submissive in nature. I think much of that stems from the fact that i/we have had these chores for over 22 years now and they have changed and been done by whomever was available depending on time and familial responsibilities.

Simply put i don’t see ‘His’ laundry or my laundry … i see laundry. I don’t make ‘His’ dinner, i make dinner … etc. I suppose if i saw any of these things as submissive acts i would be submitting to myself as well! *chuckle* I hope this makes some sense ..

I can see how these things would work well if i was coming into someone else’s home, ‘playing’ for the weekend or even for an extended period of time or having a nice vacation visit, but under my own circumstances it just doesn’t feel that way.

When you take all the stories and blogs out there and try to find your way through it’s hard sometimes to reconcile why it is you can’t seem to get that feeling they speak of when you try the same methods. I think for me at least this explains why.

This leaves a lot of work to be done in finding ways of keeping the feelings strong in the day-to-day happenings. Especially when play is difficult to come by and you have a very pragmatic look on life as i do.

So i’m looking deep again inside my mind to understand the types of things that i will need to help bring that feeling and keep it alive. The secret to submission in my opinion lies within me. Things are settling around here a bit and i’m ready to add more to this dynamic. I’m ready to have some fun with it again.

It won’t work unless He joins in of course, i’m not saying it’s ALL on me, but it does start here. The foundation has been here since the beginning, it’s strong and unshakable but now it’s time to get back into the fun!! *wink*

Communication

I’ve been thinking on this one for a while now but just hadn’t had the time to write it. Now that i do, i find myself distracted ….. so i hope i can make some sense!! *giggle*

One thing i remember very distinctly in the beginning of our journey was conversations with other submissives trying to get their husbands (or occasionally wives) to do some research, do some reading generally and come up to par to where they were. Most often it was the submissive that had started the search in my circles, and they were leaps and bounds ahead of their partners.

Often times the dominant would drag their feet when it came to doing the work. This left the submissive frustrated and even angry at times. Why commit to something and then not do the work? I get that the end of a long work day is not when you want to have to start ‘studying’ but how else is this to work?

I found myself in the same boat, more or less. I did the reading, the research, the thinking ….. that’s the way I work anyway. I read and research the hell out of anything i want to learn or accomplish. Books, words, concepts set to type …. this is my preferred method of learning and communicating.

As it turns out, it’s not the Bears! *chuckle*

The sheer number of posts on this site probably tells you already that the written word is my friend. It’s the way i like to do and process things. It’s my way ….

The Bear on the other hand is more of a hands on type of person and learner. He also communicates that way much more naturally than in words.

THIS was one of the reasons that had been playing on my mind in regards to the site. I started it to communicate with Him, but this is not the way He communicates well. I write it and then assume He will get it, register the information and then do something with it.

He reads it and enjoys it but sooner or later, before the day’s crazy is done the information is lost to Him. It’s not His way.

When he wants something from me He doesn’t write it or even speak it really. He touches, in a certain way, with a certain energy and i know. He looks at me in a certain way, the look is what communicates, the touch is what communicates, the way He holds His body …. this is His way.

I know this, and I know that when I meet Him in this i always get what i need too. It’s funny at times how long it takes for something to go from your brain to really knowing it.

I’m a ‘thinker’, always stuck inside my head but He is more of a ‘feeling’ personality. He is learning to communicate to me in my way and i’m remembering to communicate to Him in His. i try to remember that if i need Him to see me quickly i need to go to Him in feelings and actions, not words.

I touch, i lean in or i just kneel and wait. Funny enough in those moments my needs are met almost immediately, with no hesitation and no misunderstanding. His way ….

What I have learned here is that these things are not ‘topping’ or what have you, there is no need for guilt. In our home this is just simply His preferred method of communicating.

If i try something He feels poorly timed or inappropriate for whatever reason He still tells me no. Believe me He is most certainly in control, He’s just doing it His way.

That is the point after all, isn’t it? To learn to be HIS submissive, not anyone else’s.

We are very different people but i think over the years we have both learned and become better by simply watching and listening to the other.

I have taught Him things i know and He has taught me to tap into my feelings and natural rhythm. When i stop thinking i stop worrying too. i feel and move and connect with the energy and world, and most importantly with Him.

i give over my way and follow His, and all of a sudden i am freer. 

…. it’s more than kink and spankings, and i hope this made some sense! *chuckle*

Bear has me under His spell today even though He is currently miles away!

Happy Monday! ❤

 

One of my hidden needs …

This is something that had been in the back of my mind for a while but for some reason never came to be. Until now …

Since just after Christmas I have been having a really hard time physically, well it started before that really. This was something that had been going on more or less since August. I was feeling pretty awful most days and could barely function by the end of the holidays. I have spent the better part of this year barely getting by so my working out was becoming less and less.

When I don’t get to move about and workout I start to feel pretty low when it comes to my body image. Complaints and scrunchy faces were becoming pretty common place whenever I caught a glimpse of myself and no amount of ‘you look great’ was helping.

Now, in the perfect submissive world in my head He would have noticed and done something about it. Truth is though, I normally am very good about getting my physical activity in whenever my body allows. As far as He was concerned, if I wasn’t doing it it was because I wasn’t able to …. no amount of anything can fix that. *shrug*

The other truth is that I had fallen into a self-defeating state of just not really trying anymore lest I found out that today really was a bad day and I really couldn’t do it. You don’t have to face that reality if you don’t even bother to try! After so many bad days I was starting to basically give in.  I knew I needed some extra motivation to get back in the game.

Anything that is ‘commanded’ by Him gets done without question and to the best of my ability, so why wasn’t He just taking control of it!?!?! Easy …. I hadn’t asked. Like I said in my previous post, we normally know what our needs are, sometimes before they do. Let’s face it, He had no way of knowing the real reason when my past record was very much the opposite!

This was one of those things that was just getting pushed aside because I had gotten in the habit of ignoring my needs.  Yes this one could have been handled but once you get into the habit of keeping quiet it can be hard to switch gears from possible and impossible. I wasn’t even considering that there could be help …

So here we are … like I said, back to basics. That means I’m in the mindset of actually thinking about what I need. *chuckle* The mind is a curious thing!

As it stands I now have a set rule for working out and a goal to reach. This comes with possible discipline if I choose to be lazy about it. If it’s a real physical issue I can let Him know and He will decide what to do instead. It has given me my motivation and even though it’s been a very short while I already find my mood and overall attitude towards my body, and life much brighter! *smiles*

With chronic pain your mental outlook plays a big part in how your day goes. I’m always in a good mood overall BUT I feel like I’ve got my mojo back …. *wink*

 

1001 – The journey continues …

It’s interesting to me that the site itself brought me to crossroads as life too has done the same. Some things I knew already and some kind of snuck up on me when I started having more brain power and time to dedicate to our dynamic. It has been toned down considerably in regards to routines and rituals for some time now due to family needs. Some of you who have followed the bunny trail know just what I’m talking about, it has been a long hard road but it seems that for now it is stable enough that I can start concentrating on my needs, our needs as a couple and not just as parents.

For clarity sake I will tell you that noise became a huge factor in some mental health issues as well as any sort of posturing/kneeling etc. Time and privacy are still non-existent which obviously makes the first issue even harder to escape!

I have come to the realization that I have been putting my needs aside for some time now without sharing them with my Dom, my husband. Why?? Easy, there was simply no way to have them met, not more than what we had already managed anyway. Needs or not they really became more of a fantasy than anything else for a while.

As things are settling down and my mind is relaxing into being His submissive I’m starting to notice things that are missing, things that I need more of or just more obvious but …. I was still just pushing them aside. My mind hadn’t switched it from ‘this is impossible’ to ‘I have a need, I have to address it with my Sir’.

Eventually they started coming out in my writing but not really very clearly otherwise. By that I mean, not in a way that the Bear can recognize. He and I have very different ways of processing information and although He enjoys my writing He does not really use it as a way of understanding and acknowledging my wants, needs or desires. This is just simply not His way.

So we are going back to the beginning, sort to speak, and starting over with conversations and decisions. One of the rituals we do have is after work where He ‘helps’ to remove my panties. I normally pick sexy interesting ones to please him but this week it was a very basic pair. He commented that He enjoyed the simplicity of the choice I made for Him. I commented it felt appropriate to signify the back to basics place we find ourselves.

I need to remember to communicate in a way in which He will be able to process and not so much in mine. That said, I will be asking that He remember to acknowledge the information in a way in which I can process. We are very different creatures in our communication, that will likely be the topic of my next post. That or how I’m actually getting His attention. *wink*

It’s not always the dominant that notices the issue first. Since the submissive is usually the one with the need I would venture a guess that it’s most often obvious to us first. That active choice of submission is bringing it to them ……

So what do you all think, a worthy read?

His ‘Evilness’ is a vampire ….

This post is BDSM specific. It’s an understanding of how His dominance works when it comes to play and BDSM. It’s my learning of my dominant and how He likes things to work. It’s me learning to be His sexual and BDSM submissive.
I’m learning that my dominant likes to play by the vampire rules. *chuckle* No i don’t mean He likes to bite and draw blood, although He does enjoy using His teeth! No, what i mean is that He likes to wait for an invitation …..
It’s also fair game if you invite them in. An invitation can be revoked later, but a single invitation is considered “open until specifically revoked”, meaning that these beings can come and go as they please once invited.
What this means to me is that if *i* want to be His in that way i need to somehow extend the invitation. He is making me ask, making me beg for it if that makes it better or sexier in the mind! *wink*  More in keeping with your understanding of D/s …. He’s making me work for it! Ugh ……. such Evil!
I guess it’s His way of ensuring that what He’s doing is consensual and still very much the way i want to be His and please. It’s a way of knowing that i enjoy His Evil side no matter how ‘wrong’ it might appear from the outside looking in.
Once I have opened the door however ……
Although He is not the one to start things very often He sure seems to enjoy every moment from the invite forward! At first this felt like i was the one who wanted and needed to play this way and He was simply going along for my sake. I don’t believe that to be true any longer. Like i said, vampire rules, He can’t play until i invite it.
It might seem contrary or strange, especially if you read all the books and fantasies but i think it’s pretty practical actually. It certainly gives Him the information on where my mind is and where my energies are …. Let’s Him know how and what i need.
He still decides what to do about it, when and how much … although i dare say that me finally giving in to dominance HIS way has certainly unleashed the beast!
Learning how to be His submissive is learning how to do things His way, without second guessing, without wondering if i’m still topping, without wondering if He really does want to do this for Himself. Without not trusting Him …..
My husband has always been a romantic, how appropriate it is that He has taken His ‘Evil’ side and lined it up with another romanticized version of what we do …. *wink*
I’ve learned a lot in the past two months of how it is He likes to lead and me to follow in this …. i hope He’s finding me more and more pleasing all the time! ❤
Vampire ….. go figure!

Learning styles, communication styles and frustration.

Right now i’m trying very hard not to be a very frustrated rabbit.

Sir and i have VERY different personalities, exact opposites to be specific.

We also have VERY different communication styles and in turn learning styles. It doesn’t help that i never forget anything and can easily start from where i left off.

Since we are ramping things up again, or at least trying to … i’m ready to take off running and He is much more cautious and well, slow.

It feels like 6 years ago all over again and i’m really not happy about it.

It feels unfair, it feels like a lot of work and it feels sometimes like i’m not sure i want to do it all, all over again.

i was looking forward to this as a break from the stress and work and mental exhaustion of the every day battles i have faught for years. This was supposed to be my haven …. my escape.

It feels like everything i have learned, practiced and am being consistent in is being done for nothing.

I can easily stand up, pick up the reins and carry on by myself. i’m choosing to lay things down at His feet and i’m waiting ……

It’s unfair, life has always been unfair to me and now i’m fighting very hard to not get completely frustrated with the whole thing.

I have enough on my plate right now ….

ARGGHHHHH!

 

 

Not a D/s post

Our relationship to us is much more important than D/s. Some people would argue that D/s couples are closer than non-D/s couples and I personally have never found that to be true here.

Just like every D/s couple/relationship is different, so too are all the others. I have never liked blanket statements and I still don’t like it here.

We may not have talked about power exchanges and kink but we did talk about everything else. We both knew likes and dislikes of the other and we both tried to be our best for the other. That has never changed. We discovered each others strengths and weaknesses as we grew together in this relationship and we divided things up accordingly, to work out the best for ‘us’. It wasn’t him or me, it was and always has been us.

We ended up here in D/s land for a few reasons and yes things did get a bit difficult for a short while but even D/s relationships change and experience growing pains. We got to the point that it was time to renegotiate needs and wants because we were growing and evolving as people. So we did …..

I wanted to explore the world of kink and he was uncertain but for me, he’d try. We had always been adventurous but I wanted more. Needless to say ‘the rest is history’!

I also needed him to step back in and shoulder some of the responsibility that is our life, and so he did. Things were changing, boys were growing and my physical and mental state needed attention too, so we assessed and made changes. Doesn’t that sound familiar to you?

I think that when you believe you are ‘better’ than someone else, in any respect, you are on a slippery slope.

I was going to tell you all a cute story about fabric softener, humm, somehow the first sentence change the entire post! *shrug* Happy Saturday!

Inspiration

I heard this some time ago and I find it eerily comforting.

I think it explains the what, ‘silence’, and the how to escape it. I think in one manner or another this is what we all feel when we don’t feel connected.

I will be back to this, there are many, many words in my head ….. but the Bear is home with dinner and so I will go! Wish you a good weekend and please ……

DON’T be silent.