‘Active submission’ – my answer was yes, but not like you would think, probably ….

I tend to be very pragmatic, it gets me into ‘trouble’ at times, not that I care much! *chuckle*

The idea that anyone is or always has been ‘one way’ and can’t be changed is silly. It always has been to me.

Life is a training exercise and we have all been trained to be the way we are by one method or another. With the right tools/skills anyone can train anyone to be whatever it is they choose.

This may fly in the face of all the ‘true’ or ‘real’ advocates but so be it. And it doesn’t matter much what side of the ‘slash’ you fall on.

‘Can a master be trained by a submissive?’

The most accepted term for it in the ‘community’ that I have heard is active submission:

My ‘submission’ was and is a dominant act.

** A re-blog of thoughts gone bye …. to make the comment in my last post perhaps a bit clearer.**

Confusing? It shouldn’t be. In my view the main responsibility of a dominant is to identify and provide for the needs of those whom they have made themselves responsible.

While in the dominant role at home it became obvious that my husband needed to be in charge in order to feel fulfilled in His role. Where is it written that a dominant can’t choose to let someone else take the lead?

He is capable, responsible, steady, strong and willing. Contrary to some comments and posts I have read, I believe that the privilege to lead is earned not a given …. every leadership role I have been in has been earned, to me this is no different.

I mentioned the other day I’m not entirely sure I have a ‘submissive mindset’ and this is what I was referring to. I made a dominant decision to let Him lead, to give Him the information, respect and responsibility for things inside our home and family. My responsibility now is to be sure to follow through, and so I do.

I’m not saying I don’t get anything out of it, quite the contrary! Having someone to take the burden is obviously a wonderful turn of events and I can tell you I’m enjoying it immensely! 😉

Perhaps this is why I really don’t struggle with ‘submission’, to me it’s a welcome respite from all the other times when I am in the leadership role.

Love You Always Sir ❤

A new approach, for me.

Well, it’s not really a new approach, it’s the same as when i started down this road.

Life has been terribly hectic for a long time now. BDSM has all but disappeared from our days and my masochistic side is buried way deep down. I hate to admit it but my submission is very much linked to my masochism, not just sex but *pain*.

To be completely frank, i’m likely better quantified as a masochist dominant than anything else. I explained some time ago that my submission was more a dominant act than anything else and that really hasn’t changed. Confusing to some perhaps but there it is!

I don’t really subscribe to this notion that you are either submissive or dominant, i don’t think it’s an either/or at all. I think any well-rounded individual has the capacity for both, it really just depends on what you want/need in the moment and it is up for changing, if you are.  But i will leave the psychological stuff for now ….

The point is that i haven’t really put much effort into the submissive side that i had once embraced. The reasons are varied, work, physical pain (not the consensual kind), kids, mental health issues, school issues, family etc. etc., the list goes on and on.

I’ve put my own wants and needs on the back burner because i have had too many other responsibilities that i just couldn’t imagine shrugging off. Time, attention, focus has all been for the betterment of life and family and people depending on me. So *me* simply had to wait. But that can only go on for so long before even the most dominant of us need some self care!!

The fantasy and the frenzy have long been gone here. I’m much too pragmatic to not have taken the entire experience apart a long time ago to make it to the answers of how and what and why … LoL Submissive or not I am who I am. *wink*

So, if i want to tap back into that energy that we don’t seem to be getting right now i’m going to have to tap back into those things that help it to flow, easier. I don’t know exactly how it will feel this time around, i’m pretty certain that it won’t be the same as the first go ’round. I’m guessing that it won’t be anything close to be honest.

The first time i just really wanted to imagine a life entirely different than the one i was leaving behind. But that’s not really how it works is it? You don’t leave anything behind at all, you add to it, maybe change it up a bit and maybe/hopefully push aside some bad habits that you’ve picked up over the years. But you are both still the same people, you have just simply shifted a bit. That’s the way i look at it now, i think it’s more realistic for couples like us who started one way and then many years later adopted this life.

So i’m going to start doing the things i did that triggered his dominance, his sadistic as well as his protective side. As funny as that sounds *raspberries*, i do know what the answer is, i just need to put my focus back on wanting to take care of this, too!

He is a visual communicator, so i’ll start here! *wink* You’ll have to take a new one, Sir. My hair is so much longer now, the cuffs would disappear. New task ….. ??? *giggle*

 

 

I’m afraid we’re hooked!

I’ve been busy … very, very busy.

Work and kids and anxiety and panic and all that stuff that you really just can’t explain fully! Not unless you’ve lived it … at least i don’t think so.

D/s has been ‘low key’ and i think that’s being generous. Honestly, I was just starting to think that perhaps it was time to ‘put it on hold’. We’ve never done that, not in the nearly 10 years that we’ve striven. But it’s true, i did consider it.

Just as i was starting to wonder about the whole thing He started to make things more overt, to assert His dominance again.

3023441-PFAEUZYM-7I could have been petty or faught back or whatever, it has been some time of relative silence after all. I chose not to, i chose to engage. For as much as He offers and as much as He takes – I’m here!

Between work and stress and my physical flares i admit i haven’t got much in me, not physically anyway but i am trying. He’s been sick as well so it’s not like either of us are full of energy and spunk! *chuckle*

But we are crawling our way back to that connection we want, we miss. It’s hard without the S&M. We are both very much linked that way, it has become bloody obvious now! It’s like our life line now.

Some things you just can’t go back on i guess!

and again …. pushing forward once more

I’m in slightly less pain today so i have slightly more patience. Not much, the levels of pain i have leave very little room for thought or concentration.

He is trying, i know He is and i just needed ask for what i wanted/needed and it would have been done. I know that too ….

I’m just exhausted and aching and this needs to stop. I need help, i need a damn doctor! We were supposed to start with a new family doctor in November, well November is almost over and we have yet to hear anything from her.

I always get worse when the temperature drops and it most certainly has done that. My leg and ankle hurt so badly that it keeps me constantly shifting trying to find some position that might be manageable. Walking is torture and by days end the pain is just searing and all over my body.

Sleep is fleeting as you can well imagine.

So yeah, tapping into my ‘submissive’ energy is hard to do right now. I need to stay strong and fight the good fight, still … more … again. My warrior is in full force, i have no choice.

He misses His bunny, it makes Him ‘off’ as well.

So, onward once more. Maybe i can manage some energy tonight to do some of those posturing things He likes! I guess we’ll see.

Thank you to those who reached out. ❤

Finding comfort in small things.

I’ve been spending most of my time lately in a chair or on my feet. You may be thinking, so what?

Today, i have just enough energy and mobility to work and rest on the floor. I enjoy being on the floor, it is comforting to me for many reasons. It allows my body to rest but also to stretch and maintain my flexibility.

When i’m on the floor i tend to think of Him as my Dom more as well.

That’s comforting too.

It feels comfortable in energy, body and sexuality.

I feel more relaxed over all and i feel much more sexy and sexual than i would otherwise.

Anyone else …. ?

❤ Happy Thursday!

 

Hurts so good?!?!

That’s not actually the case, not right now anyway!

I’ve been hurtin’ a lot lately but none of it consensual and none of it good. There are new followers again and i thought i’d leave you that bread crumb should you choose to know more.

My brain and body are on overdrive and i could use a little hurtin’, but the one of my choosing, not this one! *chuckle*

Kink has definitely been on the back burner lately, both due to this and due to lack of energy. I haven’t started anything and neither has He.

The privacy issue is still a problem and with the current state of things with the youngest, we seem to be going backwards instead of forward and onward ….

I’m still in good spirits and i’ve always got a smile on but i’d be lying if i said it wasn’t frustrating and well, exhausting! Mentally and physically.

**** See, this is what BDSM helps with for me. Getting started these days physically is more of a challenge but once things start flowing everything changes, becomes easier. My body temperature regulates, my (non consensual) pain lessens and the longer the session the better i feel overall.

It relaxes both my body/muscles and my mind, it alleviates some of the exhaustion of the everyday and seems to rejuvenate, both mentally and physically.

I call it ‘play’ because well, unlike some of the other possibilities for impact, like punishment or maintenance etc., this is for fun. It provides a service and is for a reason, as i just explained, but it’s not ‘to keep me in line’ or behaving or whatever the reason you might choose. It’s just to keep me relaxed and happy.

Like you would ‘play’ soccer or volleyball to keep you mentally and physically healthy, i ‘play’ out a scene for the same reasons. It has rules and parameters, checks and balances to make sure both sides are getting what they need, it’s hopefully enjoyable to all players and keeps you coming back for more.

It’s addictive in the same way that playing sports, running, or going to the gym can be and you don’t feel ‘right’ when you have had to miss out.

***** now i’m going to be rambling *****

I haven’t the opportunity for an all out scene these days because we don’t frequent dungeons and we have no privacy at home. I am a masochist though and if my body wasn’t so ‘beat up’ i would probably take up kick boxing while i waited for BDSM to once again be on the horizon. As it stands, i work out whenever i can manage.

The kneeling and waiting and focus you get from a higher protocol relationship can be somewhat duplicated through yoga or meditation. Honestly/realistically the energy source in all of these is you (the submissive) and so is the choice to tap into it or not. It is all about relaxing the mind, being in the moment and tapping into the energy …. i enjoy these activities when i can as well.

Bondage, well this one is a favourite of mine and doesn’t make much noise. My wrists are not ‘happy’ right now but looser bondage gives the impression without the unwanted pain. My ankles are okay atm, so use them, and a nice thick collar and leash always fit the bill ….. there are many ways to do bondage and accommodate injury or disability, you simply need to look and learn. This one is on you, Bear.

*****

When i get down on kinky energy, Bear gets down on kinky energy. I wish I could say He starts things on His own but He doesn’t. It would be nice if He took initiative that way, but He doesn’t, it’s just not His way.

He ‘doms’ by taking care of me, watching what i need (besides kink) and taking care of that without needing to be asked or told.

When it comes to kink, He’s like a kid in a candy store when i invite Him in and say ‘wanna play’? But if i don’t He just keeps His eyes on the everyday and carries on.

I know He wouldn’t be happy to let it all go, His ‘happy’ is not there when we can’t play. Just because He never seems to want to start things doesn’t mean He’s not a dom/sadist, He’s just a lazy one??? (sorry Bear, don’t know a better way to say it) when it comes to play time. He also seems to focus more on the road blocks than i do, i’m more inventive you could say! *raspberries*

This is a type of D/s by the way, can’t remember the exact ‘label’ (imagine that, me ignoring labels! LoL ) but it is a relationship type that falls under the D/s M/s umbrella. Perhaps not what some of us envisioned but submission is to be done according the the dom’s wants, right?

Anyhow, i’ll leave you with this, today’s theme … for me anyway!

Lean into me – a different kind of D/s

A new type of domination and submission?

I’ve been pretty comfortable in my dynamic for some time now, even on the boring non-sexy days which of course happen too often in my opinion! *smirk* (sorry, bunny sneaks out every so often and causes ‘trouble’! :P)

There are many types of dynamics and varying degrees of domination or submission that can be experienced. None of them right or wrong and none better than the other either, the measure of success is simply whether or not it works for you.

I thought perhaps i’d share a little bit of how mine works with you since i haven’t really seen it represented. i may have missed you if you have, i certainly haven’t read all there is to find on the great wide web, i just haven’t found you yet. 😉 Okay, let’s be honest, i tend to stay away from all things ‘internet’ and ‘community’ if possible so unless you are on here i likely won’t find you.

Firstly let me start off by saying i don’t agree with this notion of ‘real’ or ‘true’ anything, i don’t believe that you can only be ‘born this way’ or it’s fake.

Secondly, i believe that people will often times evolve and whatever worked 10 or 15 years ago may no longer work for you now, and so you make a change. It doesn’t mean you were wearing a mask then and it doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough now. It’s natural for life to shape and change your path as you move through this world, the notion that you will forever be as you were is narrow.

To put it into a D/s or BDSM context, when i was young i would never have been the submissive in bed. (Or anywhere.) It was not something in my wheelhouse, to be told or led or whatever … simply not possible, I was very often the initiator and that may or may not turn into a very primal event (most often did) but never was submission on the table. Side note – i never wanted my partner submissive either, i needed someone as strong as me.

After meeting the Bear and getting married and finally being ‘safe’ in my world, my fantasies turned to CNC. I guess you could say that is still in someways primal but it does take the initiating/the control out of my hands. It was still not submission but it was putting me into a submissive position in bed, and that i enjoyed very much!

Now, some 20+ years later and i have no real want for initiating or controlling anything in the bedroom, i don’t even feel the need for anything ‘primal’ these days. Things may still be very sensual and ‘out of control’ in our time together but it’s more a submissive high, and all encompassing energy – not pushing and scratching and trying to get away. (Bear does still need that CNC at times so i do try to tap into that energy but it is not my first choice.)

This doesn’t mean i don’t ever start things though, i think that may be a misconception that when you are D/s 24/7 you should never as the submissive ask/start anything sexual. To me that depends entirely on your dominant and what their needs or wants are. If He/She likes it when you tease or beg than it’s right, so do it! No guilt and no comparing, do what feels right to you both, what works for you both and it is right, simple.

Outside the bedroom however, if your D/s is more than just sexual, you may like me/us find that complete control is not needed or even possible. I fall squarely into the submissive/rope bunny category but out in the real world i am nothing if not completely dominant and in control. It’s not a mask i wear until i get home, it’s me. It’s simply another aspect of my personality.

This leads me to our type of D/s, the one that may be short on representation. You guys tell me …. *wink*

I live and work in a dominant way, i don’t need to be held and guided through things, i don’t often require assistance at all. Bear doesn’t try to ‘teach’ or ‘shelter’ me, He doesn’t have to and He’s fully aware of that fact. We have set life up so that He has control over things and we do have rules that help to promote that but it’s all really symbolic most of the time.

When D/s really becomes the center of things outside the bedroom is when i lean into Him. He doesn’t follow me around trying to see when i need something and when i don’t. He knows i generally ‘have this’ and to try and chase me around or guess would be time consuming and frankly, exhausting!

This is where my strength comes in, this is that part where people say submission takes strength and work, at least it is for me. This is where my evolution led, this is why years ago i wouldn’t have done it, i wouldn’t have been able to. Now however, with His strength and His patience and His guidance over the years …. now, if i am in need of Him i go to Him, i lean in and He takes over. 

It’s quick, it’s simple and almost always unspoken. Bear is a visual communicator and i have learned that so i remember and i make use of it.

It may not be as obvious as those who need to be told and controlled all the time but in my view just because i don’t need rules on how to get the house clean or when to go to bed doesn’t mean i’m any less in this dance of D/s.

When i need Him i go to Him, He takes hold and takes over, every time, without fail. Simple …. but i can’t sit back and wait, that’s just not the way it works. If i don’t have the submissive spirit to go to Him in the first place than my need will likely go unmet, at least until it’s been much too long and i’m already in a bad space in my mind. So why wait?

Happy Friday! ❤

Almost a fantasy

Bear and i have been doing really well incorporating D/s into the everyday i think. Things are feeling pretty good and even though we are not kinking it up 24/7 we are feeling pretty good about our ‘places’. At least i think you are, right Bear??

Any loud impact play is still off the table unfortunately but hopefully soon!!

Bear has been relying on more mental domination and physical restraint, not with all the bells and whistles of bondage but obvious none the less. When you only have 30 or 40 minutes taking the time to ‘setup’ would mean we were done before we started!

True to form, when i’m ‘happy’ i worry and think less and less and simply act and react more and more. I don’t wait and fret, i simply do what feels natural and let Him take care of the rest. That’s just as it should be anyway, isn’t it?

The shouldda, couldda, wouldda is out of our minds and we just go with the flow as they say. I tap into my subspace and He taps into His domspace. It doesn’t matter who starts it at any given time, i don’t think it’s even a thing right now, who started …. we just ‘do’.

We’ve done all the hard work, we have talked and explored and learned. We have discussed, consented and agreed. The fantasy of ‘how it should be’ and how it should feel and be done is gone and you know what???

We are closer now to living the fantasy than we have ever been. We simply had to put it all out of our minds. LoL

TGIF ❤

Most definitely not fair! – (a kink post)

***** In case you are not interested in the more ‘impactful’ parts of my relationship, this post is not for you.

I had a pretty awful sleep last night and it turns out that it was all for not! Let me explain, with both kids in school, finally, i find myself starting to daydream of things, naughty kinky things!

Last night it occurred to me that Bear and i may actually have a few moment at home, alone! before either of us need to be anyway or do something. It has been a long time since that has happened and i’ve known in advance!

This bunny brain went into full imaginative mode! Now, i’m very much over waiting in a corner and thinking He is going to read my mind or know instinctively what i need. Once we start playing it seems to go that way but in the day to day … well He and i are still only human, no matter our dynamic.

So over and over i wake with new ideas. I know what He likes to see, my thought was to ask for some spanking time that i know we both need. Some time when noise is not an issue and the feel and connection takes first place in our minds! But, i wasn’t going to ask in words ….

Thoughts of positions He enjoys start floating through my head, collars and cuffs and the toys He enjoys best. I smell the leather, i hear the yelps … i can almost feel His grin. How Evil!!

I can feel His hand on my skin, rubbing and soothing and His voice husky and low … ummm, needless to say not much sleep was forthcoming!

My mind skips to the time before hand, the time i will set myself up and wait when He enters the house. I can hear Him walking through the house and wondering where i might be.  Eventually, slowly beginning the walk up the stairs.. By now He will have a smile on His face guessing that i’m up to something!

I can feel the energy change as He walks in the room. My breath catches and i slowly exhale trying not to make a sound. I wait patiently for His touch now, His signal that He is happy with my submission and understands my request. The implements will be neatly placed in a tray on His chair.

His hand starts to caress my skin …

“Good girl, nijntje ….” i can hear Him now.

***** ***** *****

And this morning i get up, very tired from my eventful night *smirk* to find out that my youngest wants a ride home at 1 pm. He won’t be going to his last class today due to some issues that conflict with his personality disorder and his teacher has already provided him with the work he will miss. It’s a done deal!

Bear gets home at around 1:20 pm, the youngest was supposed to be in school til 2:15 pm.

It was a small window but one i was planning on taking full advantage of, if He allowed it of course. Oh well …

Happy Friday All! ❤