and again …. pushing forward once more

I’m in slightly less pain today so i have slightly more patience. Not much, the levels of pain i have leave very little room for thought or concentration.

He is trying, i know He is and i just needed ask for what i wanted/needed and it would have been done. I know that too ….

I’m just exhausted and aching and this needs to stop. I need help, i need a damn doctor! We were supposed to start with a new family doctor in November, well November is almost over and we have yet to hear anything from her.

I always get worse when the temperature drops and it most certainly has done that. My leg and ankle hurt so badly that it keeps me constantly shifting trying to find some position that might be manageable. Walking is torture and by days end the pain is just searing and all over my body.

Sleep is fleeting as you can well imagine.

So yeah, tapping into my ‘submissive’ energy is hard to do right now. I need to stay strong and fight the good fight, still … more … again. My warrior is in full force, i have no choice.

He misses His bunny, it makes Him ‘off’ as well.

So, onward once more. Maybe i can manage some energy tonight to do some of those posturing things He likes! I guess we’ll see.

Thank you to those who reached out. ❤

Finding comfort in small things.

I’ve been spending most of my time lately in a chair or on my feet. You may be thinking, so what?

Today, i have just enough energy and mobility to work and rest on the floor. I enjoy being on the floor, it is comforting to me for many reasons. It allows my body to rest but also to stretch and maintain my flexibility.

When i’m on the floor i tend to think of Him as my Dom more as well.

That’s comforting too.

It feels comfortable in energy, body and sexuality.

I feel more relaxed over all and i feel much more sexy and sexual than i would otherwise.

Anyone else …. ?

❤ Happy Thursday!


Hurts so good?!?!

That’s not actually the case, not right now anyway!

I’ve been hurtin’ a lot lately but none of it consensual and none of it good. There are new followers again and i thought i’d leave you that bread crumb should you choose to know more.

My brain and body are on overdrive and i could use a little hurtin’, but the one of my choosing, not this one! *chuckle*

Kink has definitely been on the back burner lately, both due to this and due to lack of energy. I haven’t started anything and neither has He.

The privacy issue is still a problem and with the current state of things with the youngest, we seem to be going backwards instead of forward and onward ….

I’m still in good spirits and i’ve always got a smile on but i’d be lying if i said it wasn’t frustrating and well, exhausting! Mentally and physically.

**** See, this is what BDSM helps with for me. Getting started these days physically is more of a challenge but once things start flowing everything changes, becomes easier. My body temperature regulates, my (non consensual) pain lessens and the longer the session the better i feel overall.

It relaxes both my body/muscles and my mind, it alleviates some of the exhaustion of the everyday and seems to rejuvenate, both mentally and physically.

I call it ‘play’ because well, unlike some of the other possibilities for impact, like punishment or maintenance etc., this is for fun. It provides a service and is for a reason, as i just explained, but it’s not ‘to keep me in line’ or behaving or whatever the reason you might choose. It’s just to keep me relaxed and happy.

Like you would ‘play’ soccer or volleyball to keep you mentally and physically healthy, i ‘play’ out a scene for the same reasons. It has rules and parameters, checks and balances to make sure both sides are getting what they need, it’s hopefully enjoyable to all players and keeps you coming back for more.

It’s addictive in the same way that playing sports, running, or going to the gym can be and you don’t feel ‘right’ when you have had to miss out.

***** now i’m going to be rambling *****

I haven’t the opportunity for an all out scene these days because we don’t frequent dungeons and we have no privacy at home. I am a masochist though and if my body wasn’t so ‘beat up’ i would probably take up kick boxing while i waited for BDSM to once again be on the horizon. As it stands, i work out whenever i can manage.

The kneeling and waiting and focus you get from a higher protocol relationship can be somewhat duplicated through yoga or meditation. Honestly/realistically the energy source in all of these is you (the submissive) and so is the choice to tap into it or not. It is all about relaxing the mind, being in the moment and tapping into the energy …. i enjoy these activities when i can as well.

Bondage, well this one is a favourite of mine and doesn’t make much noise. My wrists are not ‘happy’ right now but looser bondage gives the impression without the unwanted pain. My ankles are okay atm, so use them, and a nice thick collar and leash always fit the bill ….. there are many ways to do bondage and accommodate injury or disability, you simply need to look and learn. This one is on you, Bear.


When i get down on kinky energy, Bear gets down on kinky energy. I wish I could say He starts things on His own but He doesn’t. It would be nice if He took initiative that way, but He doesn’t, it’s just not His way.

He ‘doms’ by taking care of me, watching what i need (besides kink) and taking care of that without needing to be asked or told.

When it comes to kink, He’s like a kid in a candy store when i invite Him in and say ‘wanna play’? But if i don’t He just keeps His eyes on the everyday and carries on.

I know He wouldn’t be happy to let it all go, His ‘happy’ is not there when we can’t play. Just because He never seems to want to start things doesn’t mean He’s not a dom/sadist, He’s just a lazy one??? (sorry Bear, don’t know a better way to say it) when it comes to play time. He also seems to focus more on the road blocks than i do, i’m more inventive you could say! *raspberries*

This is a type of D/s by the way, can’t remember the exact ‘label’ (imagine that, me ignoring labels! LoL ) but it is a relationship type that falls under the D/s M/s umbrella. Perhaps not what some of us envisioned but submission is to be done according the the dom’s wants, right?

Anyhow, i’ll leave you with this, today’s theme … for me anyway!

Lean into me – a different kind of D/s

A new type of domination and submission?

I’ve been pretty comfortable in my dynamic for some time now, even on the boring non-sexy days which of course happen too often in my opinion! *smirk* (sorry, bunny sneaks out every so often and causes ‘trouble’! :P)

There are many types of dynamics and varying degrees of domination or submission that can be experienced. None of them right or wrong and none better than the other either, the measure of success is simply whether or not it works for you.

I thought perhaps i’d share a little bit of how mine works with you since i haven’t really seen it represented. i may have missed you if you have, i certainly haven’t read all there is to find on the great wide web, i just haven’t found you yet. 😉 Okay, let’s be honest, i tend to stay away from all things ‘internet’ and ‘community’ if possible so unless you are on here i likely won’t find you.

Firstly let me start off by saying i don’t agree with this notion of ‘real’ or ‘true’ anything, i don’t believe that you can only be ‘born this way’ or it’s fake.

Secondly, i believe that people will often times evolve and whatever worked 10 or 15 years ago may no longer work for you now, and so you make a change. It doesn’t mean you were wearing a mask then and it doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough now. It’s natural for life to shape and change your path as you move through this world, the notion that you will forever be as you were is narrow.

To put it into a D/s or BDSM context, when i was young i would never have been the submissive in bed. (Or anywhere.) It was not something in my wheelhouse, to be told or led or whatever … simply not possible, I was very often the initiator and that may or may not turn into a very primal event (most often did) but never was submission on the table. Side note – i never wanted my partner submissive either, i needed someone as strong as me.

After meeting the Bear and getting married and finally being ‘safe’ in my world, my fantasies turned to CNC. I guess you could say that is still in someways primal but it does take the initiating/the control out of my hands. It was still not submission but it was putting me into a submissive position in bed, and that i enjoyed very much!

Now, some 20+ years later and i have no real want for initiating or controlling anything in the bedroom, i don’t even feel the need for anything ‘primal’ these days. Things may still be very sensual and ‘out of control’ in our time together but it’s more a submissive high, and all encompassing energy – not pushing and scratching and trying to get away. (Bear does still need that CNC at times so i do try to tap into that energy but it is not my first choice.)

This doesn’t mean i don’t ever start things though, i think that may be a misconception that when you are D/s 24/7 you should never as the submissive ask/start anything sexual. To me that depends entirely on your dominant and what their needs or wants are. If He/She likes it when you tease or beg than it’s right, so do it! No guilt and no comparing, do what feels right to you both, what works for you both and it is right, simple.

Outside the bedroom however, if your D/s is more than just sexual, you may like me/us find that complete control is not needed or even possible. I fall squarely into the submissive/rope bunny category but out in the real world i am nothing if not completely dominant and in control. It’s not a mask i wear until i get home, it’s me. It’s simply another aspect of my personality.

This leads me to our type of D/s, the one that may be short on representation. You guys tell me …. *wink*

I live and work in a dominant way, i don’t need to be held and guided through things, i don’t often require assistance at all. Bear doesn’t try to ‘teach’ or ‘shelter’ me, He doesn’t have to and He’s fully aware of that fact. We have set life up so that He has control over things and we do have rules that help to promote that but it’s all really symbolic most of the time.

When D/s really becomes the center of things outside the bedroom is when i lean into Him. He doesn’t follow me around trying to see when i need something and when i don’t. He knows i generally ‘have this’ and to try and chase me around or guess would be time consuming and frankly, exhausting!

This is where my strength comes in, this is that part where people say submission takes strength and work, at least it is for me. This is where my evolution led, this is why years ago i wouldn’t have done it, i wouldn’t have been able to. Now however, with His strength and His patience and His guidance over the years …. now, if i am in need of Him i go to Him, i lean in and He takes over. 

It’s quick, it’s simple and almost always unspoken. Bear is a visual communicator and i have learned that so i remember and i make use of it.

It may not be as obvious as those who need to be told and controlled all the time but in my view just because i don’t need rules on how to get the house clean or when to go to bed doesn’t mean i’m any less in this dance of D/s.

When i need Him i go to Him, He takes hold and takes over, every time, without fail. Simple …. but i can’t sit back and wait, that’s just not the way it works. If i don’t have the submissive spirit to go to Him in the first place than my need will likely go unmet, at least until it’s been much too long and i’m already in a bad space in my mind. So why wait?

Happy Friday! ❤

Almost a fantasy

Bear and i have been doing really well incorporating D/s into the everyday i think. Things are feeling pretty good and even though we are not kinking it up 24/7 we are feeling pretty good about our ‘places’. At least i think you are, right Bear??

Any loud impact play is still off the table unfortunately but hopefully soon!!

Bear has been relying on more mental domination and physical restraint, not with all the bells and whistles of bondage but obvious none the less. When you only have 30 or 40 minutes taking the time to ‘setup’ would mean we were done before we started!

True to form, when i’m ‘happy’ i worry and think less and less and simply act and react more and more. I don’t wait and fret, i simply do what feels natural and let Him take care of the rest. That’s just as it should be anyway, isn’t it?

The shouldda, couldda, wouldda is out of our minds and we just go with the flow as they say. I tap into my subspace and He taps into His domspace. It doesn’t matter who starts it at any given time, i don’t think it’s even a thing right now, who started …. we just ‘do’.

We’ve done all the hard work, we have talked and explored and learned. We have discussed, consented and agreed. The fantasy of ‘how it should be’ and how it should feel and be done is gone and you know what???

We are closer now to living the fantasy than we have ever been. We simply had to put it all out of our minds. LoL


Most definitely not fair! – (a kink post)

***** In case you are not interested in the more ‘impactful’ parts of my relationship, this post is not for you.

I had a pretty awful sleep last night and it turns out that it was all for not! Let me explain, with both kids in school, finally, i find myself starting to daydream of things, naughty kinky things!

Last night it occurred to me that Bear and i may actually have a few moment at home, alone! before either of us need to be anyway or do something. It has been a long time since that has happened and i’ve known in advance!

This bunny brain went into full imaginative mode! Now, i’m very much over waiting in a corner and thinking He is going to read my mind or know instinctively what i need. Once we start playing it seems to go that way but in the day to day … well He and i are still only human, no matter our dynamic.

So over and over i wake with new ideas. I know what He likes to see, my thought was to ask for some spanking time that i know we both need. Some time when noise is not an issue and the feel and connection takes first place in our minds! But, i wasn’t going to ask in words ….

Thoughts of positions He enjoys start floating through my head, collars and cuffs and the toys He enjoys best. I smell the leather, i hear the yelps … i can almost feel His grin. How Evil!!

I can feel His hand on my skin, rubbing and soothing and His voice husky and low … ummm, needless to say not much sleep was forthcoming!

My mind skips to the time before hand, the time i will set myself up and wait when He enters the house. I can hear Him walking through the house and wondering where i might be.  Eventually, slowly beginning the walk up the stairs.. By now He will have a smile on His face guessing that i’m up to something!

I can feel the energy change as He walks in the room. My breath catches and i slowly exhale trying not to make a sound. I wait patiently for His touch now, His signal that He is happy with my submission and understands my request. The implements will be neatly placed in a tray on His chair.

His hand starts to caress my skin …

“Good girl, nijntje ….” i can hear Him now.

***** ***** *****

And this morning i get up, very tired from my eventful night *smirk* to find out that my youngest wants a ride home at 1 pm. He won’t be going to his last class today due to some issues that conflict with his personality disorder and his teacher has already provided him with the work he will miss. It’s a done deal!

Bear gets home at around 1:20 pm, the youngest was supposed to be in school til 2:15 pm.

It was a small window but one i was planning on taking full advantage of, if He allowed it of course. Oh well …

Happy Friday All! ❤

The back and forth dance.

One of the toughest parts of trying to keep this dynamic, this energy going, is the switching back and forth between life’s responsibilities and focusing on the D/s.

Sure if you are lucky enough to be at a stage in life where there is only the two (or more) of you to focus on then there really isn’t much reason to have such swinging romps! Unfortunately for me, and many of you out there i would imagine, life is just not that simple.

Moving back and forth from a work mindset to a ‘home’ mindset can be a challenge but i have found that having certain rituals in place make that much easier. It’s a transition from the busy, go go go to a more centered and focused approach to home life.

We both decided long ago that by 5:30 pm the world at large takes second place and home and immediate family become the focus. That made the D/s switch in regards to the outside world easy. There is no cell phones, no other people interrupting, it’s just me, Bear and the boys pretty much every day, every weekend.

There is where the switch has to happen for me. With the issues we have had to manage in regards to the boys and their mental health being ‘nijntje’ is not always the first thing on my mind, even after 5:30!

All of this i write elsewhere but let’s just say that dealing with these issues and managing life and circumstances that arise from them puts me squarely in the dominant seat, holding the reins and leading the way. Much of that is done from right here in my cozy den. Much of that directly involves the boys, who are also right here ……

Gets kind of hard to just put that behind and switch gears …. especially when at the end of the day i’m not asking anything from the Bear in many cases, i’m telling Him. Just minutes before we cozy up for the night. Without something to indicate a change, it can be hard to just automatically change my energy.

I think most will agree that when it comes to submission much of it isn’t about what you are doing and what you are saying (outside of kink and fun times of course!) it’s about the energy you feel while you’re in it.

I think this part takes self awareness, focus and discipline. And a lucky rabbit’s foot or two  … ! 😉

Is that just me??

Free falling

** just thinking out loud **

My life is far from perfect, i’m far from perfect and so is Bear. Our dynamic goes through periods of high intensity and it also has times of low, slow calmness. It’s never not there i’d say but it can certainly become very subtle.

Then, after a while of wandering slowly i realize i need more. It’s always me who kick starts things i would say, Bear has never demanded anything from me without first getting the cues and energies i put out for Him. It’s how we work, He reads me and reacts.

Someone told me some time ago that if i was going to sit back and wait for Him to start things when i needed Him instead of stepping up and asking than i better have the patience of a saint because i was going to be waiting a long time! LoL He was right and i took that guidance to heart!

No matter what the fantasy might appear, if he actually thought He had the right to whatever He wanted, whenever He wanted without giving me a second thought i would be miserable! That is not the type of person i want leading this life of ours.

Whether He ‘knows it’ or it’s just instinct i don’t know but He always makes sure i’m in the right frame of mind to serve and to submit before He demands anything. It doesn’t work the other way around, it’s me who holds the key.

When i’m ready and life has given me a breather to get back to my secret self than i free fall into His dominance and He catches me. And we ride the wave again until life happens and we need to focus on the rest of it for a while.

It’s never gone but it does speed up and slow down dependent on life’s need. Sometimes it just simply swallows us both regardless of what life had planned, those are the primal moments that over take us, those are much less then when we first met but they are still there! *grin*

I was just thinking, if i wasn’t confident enough in me and in Him than i couldn’t free fall, and we likely wouldn’t be doing as well as we are.

Happy Friday! ❤ again *giggle*


I’m trying, but i’m defeated.

Things have been busy and time and energy has been short. Every morning i have ideas in my head of how i can be actively submissive to Him and every evening my body or energy levels are defeated.

Bear likes the posturing, the kneeling and the waiting. It puts Him in the right mind space to then take care of my needs too. I like it as well, it’s like meditation if you will, it’s centering and calming.  He appreciates ‘humble’ as one of His favourites … it’s also very relaxing on the body. Anyone who does yoga will be familiar with the position! *smiles*


I tried last night before bed to give Him that, but my body defeated me.

I couldn’t do it on the floor because it was just too difficult on my knees and ankles. I chose instead to position myself on the bed. No lingerie either, just my pj short set that i had been wearing because it was warm again. It’s pink and has black lace, does that count? *smirk*

The position wasn’t perfect on a soft bed but it was done. I could tell by the way He touched me when He came in that He appreciated, that He knew. I think it gave Him just enough of that connection and energy to make it another night, i’ll have to ask Him. 🙂

There was no sex or kinkery, just a small moment of connection. I enjoy waiting and wishing for His touch but i admit that if He had made me wait much longer before letting me up i likely would have had to ask.

Defeated by my body? …. or maybe not at all, maybe the effort and lengths i went to to try was more than if it had been perfect.

I’ll have to ask Him that too! ❤

The rest of the night is private …. *wink*

** This post partially inspired by A.C. Elliott ** He really captures the moments of waiting for me. 🙂

From what i understand … explaining needs.

This was something that i struggled with at the beginning of including the dynamic into our relationship. I have always been a dominant person, take inventory and then take charge. I don’t see life as problems and issues i see next steps and solutions, so there is that to take into account.

Having two dominants in this marriage however led to hurt and redundant feelings for the Bear, It also lead to me being overburdened and worn out. The responsibilities were out of balance and so were we. So i looked for a solution! *wink*

It started with me just asking for kink, or more kink. I knew it would at least alleviate some of the stress i was under. I’m a masochist, if it’s not kink it’s something else that i’m doing to push my body, to get the endorphin high, to mellow me out you could say. So adding the kink was the start of the revelation.

It was easy to see how He could take responsibility in those instances, it was easy to feel how some of the weight of life was lifted off of my shoulders! Why not continue that throughout the day? He was obviously much more content having that responsibility, it wasn’t a burden it was a relief to Him to have something He could take charge of and make a difference in my life with. Who knew!?!? *wink*

That’s when the damn fantasy hit! *chuckle* You know the one, He does it all on His own, somehow reads my mind, knows exactly what and how to do things. And WHEN! Lord forbid i be the one to ask or explain, that takes away all the dominance from Him, doesn’t it???

Oh and my favourite, i’m just here for His use and benefit and asking/advocating for what i need and want is just me not submitting. RUBBISH! Back to the beginning we went, in my research that is. In a marriage this seems to be much more of a prevalent idea, at least in my travels. Many of the submissives i talked to were unhappy with their situations but felt that any input from their end was topping. They also felt that it took away from the feel of submission if they were truthful in this way, if they asked.

I admit i fell into this thinking for a short while, and i started experiencing the ebbs and flows everyone talks about. I was even at the brink of simply throwing in the towel and forgetting the whole thing! If you have been around long enough you might remember ….

I started looking outside the married submissive sites, i started talking to people in the lifestyle, some for a very long time. I started to realize that if you get into D/s or M/s from the beginning one of the first things you do, or should do is negotiate needs, wants and your vision of where and what this relationship should be.

You put in the ground work to make sure you are well matched and on the same page with your thoughts and needs. It’s only after that foundation is set that you start experimenting with the lifestyle and with your own personal dynamic. There is a lot of checking in and communicating from both sides in order to get things ‘right’ before finally getting into the ‘fantasy’ that we have in our heads.

So why should i/we do it any different?

I put the idea of topping or thinking that this was somehow ‘less than’ in submission out of my head and i started talking. If submission is putting your self, your soul at the feet of another does that not too include your real thoughts, feelings and needs?

All i know is that we are both content now, and i rarely need to say anything these days. That doesn’t mean i won’t though, i won’t disrespect His dominance by being dishonest, in any way. He’s proven that He can take the best and the worst of me. I’m not hiding anything anymore.

(Thanks for the inspiration in your comments! 😉 )