Blog Comment, turned post!

I was answering a comment and as usual came up with more detailed information that might be of interest or value for everyone to read. So, I have decided to tweak it and place it here.


As to my recent attempts of describing my ‘sub type’, it’s more an exercise to explain rather than discover. I know who and what I am and really have no problem with either, but I’m not sure those reading understand who I am, really. The labels come with ‘understandings’ that makes every word I use misunderstood in the sense *I* mean it.

For example, Alpha Submissive, I have used that one as well in the past, turns out I was wrong in that one. An Alpha submissive can only exist in a poly relationship where two or more submissives are present. I know it is a term liberally used now a days but it is in fact, wrong.

The other term I picked up on, and some points of interest I use are of Makai’s Warrior Princess (that most basic description is probably the closest truthfully, the small part you will find on my ‘about’ page) but if you look deeper there is a lot of other information and ‘goings on’ that I don’t agree with. A point recently brought out by a friend of mine, and so it spurred this attempt at explaining once more.

It’s not for my sake, it’s for the sake of my readers. Personally I prefer the idea of a wolf pack, He is the alpha male and I the alpha female. Both have responsibilities and power in the pack, both dominant, more primal. That’s how we live anyway, I can just never seem to get the idea across.

Now that I’ve written you a post, cheers!! *giggle* Maybe I’ll copy and paste this as a post of its own. 🙂

And so I did …. LoL Please, feel free to ask questions. Happy Thursday!

The post about that Warrior Princess I alluded to is here, do take a look. There are a lot of valuable points there if you happen to subscribe to that idea.

My Fist attempt at describing our primal wolf like connection is here.

Me, stubborn? Nah!

When we first started down this path I was the one to ask the Bear to try out this ‘lifestyle’. It was shortly after we had already decided to play around in the bedroom with some of these concepts and rituals. I was enjoying the quiet my mind felt when we played that way and I remembered some reading I had done early on, by a dominant, of how things really worked 24/7.  Curious to see if I could keep that quiet a bit longer through my days, I asked.

I was always the one in charge of everything before. It made sense, I was home, I was the mom and the kids and their issues really was my area of expertise. It fits perfectly with my personality type anyway, the planner, the organizer, the one with the direction and determination to keep things moving. Before I stayed home to work I ran a billing and accounting department for a couple of internet companies, I know money, I know budgets and I know how to make a long-term plan.

Everything from vacations, to finances to kids and school and home. All of it was on my shoulders, alone. Needless to say it was a bit of pressure being always on when I had another perfectly capable adult standing next to me. When the boys were younger it wasn’t such a big deal but as they grew and their issues grew I became more and more wrapped up in my head, every second planning and thinking. It was never-ending and I was getting exhausted.

I felt like a single mom (not that there is anything wrong with that) and I wanted Him to start helping to pull some of that weight.

The Bear had one condition, just one really. He would only take on this new lifestyle on a trial run IF He was given full control over taking care of me. *Apparently* I’m stubborn and don’t know when to quit, I do too much and push myself too far …. not sure where He gets that idea from!?!

My point here is that His FIRST PRIORITY is my welfare, period. If He can’t keep me happy, safe and balanced in this He will not do it. (No, I’m not saying my happiness is in His hands, well yes but no. No one is charged with making you happy, you make yourself happy, it comes from within, but just for the sake of the post … we’ll say it this way.)

If your dom/me doesn’t find that to be a priority of theirs than perhaps the relationship is not one you want. If you’re looking to play around and that’s all than have at it. It’s no different from ‘vanilla’ casual sex relationships, but if you want more, get more, or leave.

There are people out there that want to keep it causal, there are people out there who want to be treated poorly, there are people out there who really do enjoy being miserable. They are happy in their constant state of angst, so let them be.

To the rest of you, if that’s not what you want than don’t settle, there is more and you can do more. If the current ‘community’ outlets are not allowing for that than move else where. There are enough of you, move your platform and do your own thing. The current platforms started somewhere …. you can to.

I know some of you have lost a friend recently and this by no means has anything to do with that so I hope my song choice doesn’t offend. 

You can’t ‘save’ everyone, not everyone wants to be ‘saved’. This is not a new concept.

Live and Let Die – PAUL McCARTNEY & WINGS

So to my friends out there trying to make a difference or getting wrapped up in the fact that some simply don’t want to hear you, let them go.


I wasn’t going to but …

This is one of my favourite artists and I think a lot of people reference him but really don’t know what he’s saying.

Personally I think he’s brilliant, I think he has had a lot to work through in life and I think he’s showing people the way out of h3ll. Or trying to ….

This is my ‘go to’ song when things get hard and I need a boost to my energy levels to keep fighting. And I will always keep fighting. So here’s today’s song:

“I’m not afraid (I’m not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that you’re not alone
Holler if you feel like you’ve been down the same road (same road)”

“Not Afraid”

I’m not afraid (I’m not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that you’re not alone
Holler if you feel like you’ve been down the same road (same road)Yeah, it’s been a ride
I guess I had to, go to that place, to get to this one
Now some of you, might still be in that place
If you’re trying to get out, just follow me
I’ll get you there

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay ’em
But you won’t take the sting out these words before I say ’em
‘Cause ain’t no way I’mma let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say I’mma do something I do it,
I don’t give a damn what you think,
I’m doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it’s gassed up, if it thinks it’s stopping me
I’mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I’m tearing down your balcony
No ifs, ands or buts, don’t try to ask him why or how can he
From “Infinite” down to the last “Relapse” album
He’s still shitting, whether he’s on salary paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shits his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He’s married to the game, like a “fuck you” for Christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the Earth, he’s got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt, and fuck the whole universe

I’m not afraid (I’m not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that you’re not alone
Holler if you feel like you’ve been down the same road (same road)

Okay quit playing with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn’t have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it’s a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth,
For that fuck your feelings/fillings,
Instead of getting crowned you’re getting capped
And to the fans, I’ll never let you down again, I’m back
I promise to never go back on that promise,
in fact let’s be honest,
that last “Relapse” CD was eh
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain’t going back to that now
All I’m trying to say is get back, click-clack, blow
‘Cause I ain’t playing around
It’s a game called circle and I don’t know how, I’m way too up to back down
But I think I’m still trying to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn’t, this fucking black cloud
Still follows me around but it’s time to exorcise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

I’m not afraid (I’m not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that you’re not alone
Holler if you feel like you’ve been down the same road (same road)

And I just can’t keep living this way
So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage
I’m standing up, I’mma face my demons
I’m manning up, I’mma hold my ground
I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now! (now)

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally
For you, so I could come back a brand-new me you helped see me through
And don’t even realize what you did, ’cause believe me you
I’ve been through the ringer, but they could do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers
And drop dead, no more beef lingers
No more drama from now on, I wanna promise
To focus solely on handling my responsibilities as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof, like my daughters
And raise it, you couldn’t lift a single shingle on it!
‘Cause the way I feel, I’m strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub, and lift the whole liquor counter up
‘Cause I’m raising the bar
I’d shoot for the moon but I’m too busy gazing at stars
I feel amazing and I’m…

I’m not afraid (I’m not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that you’re not alone
Holler if you feel like you’ve been down the same road (same road)

Something a little lighter

Most of my day I walk around ‘at the ready’. There are things needing my attention and things that can be very hard to deal with from time to time.

Then in walks the Bear. ‘Come here, little girl’ he says as I walk over to him with a smile on my face. When He calls me that my stress starts to automatically lessen.

He picks me up and spins me around asking me ‘how’s your day’? Without fail he gets a laugh or giggle out of me.

‘There it is …’ He says.

I relax, I put my guard down, I’m safe, I’m His.

That’s what it’s all about.

Respect – Limits

I don’t give my respect easily. That’s not to say I don’t act respectfully, I just happen to have very high standards that seem to be a thing of the past these days. Once my respect is lost however, it’s gone for good. Is that right? Is that wrong? I can’t say, but it is who I am.

I don’t make rash decisions either, I take the time to think through all possible avenues before I decide. Once decided the direction is final, unless you can bring me new information that might sway my choice, otherwise it stands. Again right, wrong? Don’t know, it’s just me.

I’m also not a highly emotional person, I prefer facts and actions to emotion. Usually makes me look quite harsh to some I’m sure. I’m not trying to be harsh I’m just a very fact and action oriented person, I get the job done. ‘Feel’ about it later …

I don’t suffer fools, I don’t join cliques and I don’t do social media …. must be why I didn’t realize that this lifestyle I have embraced has so much negativity associated with it.

A partner who is constantly badgered and pressured to change or accept something that they have deemed against their better judgement and moral code is abused. If they are constantly made to feel that they are not good enough because of it and told they will never amount to much, never find a new relationship etc etc … that’s manipulation and abuse.

You eventually start to believe what you were told and you start to accept things and actions even though your life is miserable and you are very unhappy. This is mental and emotional abuse. You start to defend your abuser and think you actually do want to be there. That’s called ‘battered wife syndrome’ although it most certainly is not only women or wives.

Just because you add letters like BDSM, D/s, M/s or ‘dynamic’ to it doesn’t make it okay. We don’t call it moral code we call it hard limits, they are to be respected and accepted, or move on! Just because you have added letters to your relationship doesn’t mean you get to push and badger and manipulate someone until they have no choice but to let you pass by their limits like they don’t matter.

Coercion is not consent. No matter what title you give yourself. Oh I know, it’s just *training* ….

** If you are in a relationship and your needs and limits are not being respected, get out. It doesn’t matter what they call themselves, they do not have the right to disrespect you. If this makes you more miserable than happy, than it’s not right. **

Let them keep their labels, my life is worth more than a label. What about yours?

Let’s get this straight. *personal rant*

If you are a self-righteous, sanctimonious j@ckAss who runs around constantly stating or insinuating that ‘nilla is not as good as you, as connected as you, as deep in meaning as you because you practice your version of BDSM than I will call you out on it, I will stand my ground and I will show the ridiculous hypocrisy of your ideals vs. your actions.

If your life preaching can’t stand the heat, perhaps it’s not as ‘right’ as you say it is.

Please, by all means have your opinions based on your life experiences but don’t run around preaching it as THE WAY of things. State it as YOUR experience, YOUR ‘nilla relationships, YOUR issues.

Most of the hate and intolerance I see comes from ‘lifestylers’. Hate towards each other, hate towards people who don’t fit their preferred way of doing things. Words like ‘true’ and ‘real’.. pressuring people into relationships and situations they don’t want because they are not ‘real’ or ‘good’ or ‘true’ if they don’t.

Hate towards the vanilla world. Vanilla is now a derogatory term?? Get over yourself. I know plenty of vanilla friends who live and love honestly and fully. They are connected, they are together without fear or shame. They are much more understanding and accepting than the part of the ‘community’ I have been made privy to.

*** Note: Not everyone in the community is like this, but there are many, many out there pressuring and oppressing. If that is what it now means to be kinky, to be a BDSMer, to be D/s than COUNT ME OUT! ***

I don’t give a rat’s ass what you call me or what you want to label me. I am strong, opinionated, feisty and a fighter. I am able to stand on my own two feet and I choose to be my husband’s submissive.

I DO NOT need to be quiet and keep my thoughts and needs to myself. I will NOT go quietly. I will be heard, I will be taken care of, I will voice my needs and I will be happy. I will not be forced into playing with others, I will not be forced into anything. If that doesn’t fit into your version of submissive so be it, but do not tell me or others that we are wrong, or that we are not good enough!

Michael Makai was right, the Warrior Princess will need to stand up and fight for the lifestyle. I wonder if he knew that the real fight was within the lifestyle itself?

**After an interesting read from a fellow respected blogger I felt it necessary to add that I neither read nor follow Makai’s way of thinking. The one sentiment referenced carried no more meaning than the sentence itself. **

This is a life style choice, it’s supposed to be fun, it’s supposed to be enjoyed. When it becomes miserable or mentally unhealthy than it’s time to stop.

This is not however a higher calling. It is not superior to any other lifestyle.

And Yes, this is MY OPINION. Unlike the things I have read, I’m not trying to preach or force it onto anyone.

Married First

Originally posted Feb 2017 but it’s on my mind again. I’m working on something and it will be related. If you haven’t yet seen this one, I hope you enjoy! 😀 

For some reason this thought was on my mind this morning when I crawled out of bed …. I am married first, D/s or M/s or what have you second. Married definition is much simpler anyway.

As much as I would miss the idea of domination and submission the truth is that the connection for us started long before all this stuff was even known to us. Label or not my husband has always been there for me when I needed something, He has always been my safe place to fall and the only one who has ever seen the real me.

I have never been afraid with Him, I have never had a doubt when it comes to our relationship and I didn’t need a collar to make that happen. My wedding ring told me all of this and more almost 20 years ago ….

He is who He is with or without a label and I am who I am, He would no sooner turn His back on me when I was in need than He would let Himself drown and I would no sooner disrespect or not follow Him than drown myself.

Rituals are interesting and kink is fun but the truth is I have never needed rules or contracts to tell me to be my best for Him, that’s why I married Him. I am smart enough to figure out what pleases Him simply by watching and paying attention. I don’t need to speak in the third person to know I belong to Him, I don’t need to kneel to show respect (although I do enjoy it) and I don’t need a label to tell me He is committed to me.

Now that He knows I look to Him for guidance He can’t forget it and now that I know His main objective has always been to watch over me I can’t forget it either. It has been that way since the day we became a couple, nothing has changed we just finally said it out loud.

I married a good man first and foremost and everything I looked for then now has a variety of labels and titles to sort through. To me the title ‘husband’ means I am anything He wants and just how He wants because that’s why I chose Him in the first place, and it also means He is everything I need and I am His first priority.

Image result for a good man is hard to find

Image result for a good man is hard to find

I had all of that with my wedding ring, all we did was add more kink. If anything reading and learning about dynamics caused more confusion than help. The idea that you should be communicating and honest with each other in order to have the best relationship possible is not a D/s only idea! Attentive listening is not a D/s idea, and respect for one another is not a D/s idea either, it’s a human idea, or at least it should be.

We never fought, we never called names, we never disrespected each other and not because we didn’t talk or didn’t spend much time together as I see out there with other couples. We have always been together for every possible moment, we walk together, talk together, work together on projects, yard work together, house renos even, everything we do when possible is together, we even shower together since the very beginning!

I have also always put Him first, when I make lunch He gets the nicest looking plate, if there is one french fry left I offer it to Him, last square of chocolate, yup still His! I have always dressed to impress Him, I have always put in effort to be pleasing for Him …

Many moons ago when we were first married Sir used to take me out dancing all the time. He doesn’t dance but He knew it made me happy so we went. I have never been shy on the dance floor and I have never had need for attention either but I recall the first time someone approached Sir, about me.

He was up at the bar with friends and I in the middle of the dance floor as usual, sometimes with friends and sometimes by myself, when the music starts I don’t care what it takes, I’m dancing! lol Anyway, man after man would come ask to dance and all of them I’d turn away, one actually went up to Sir at the bar and stated “She’s yours isn’t she?” When Sir said yes, the man said “You’re a lucky man ..” and moved on.  We were a dance floor apart, I hadn’t been back to my seat in well over an hour but the connection was clear apparently to anyone watching. It was dark, it was loud and it was packed but everyone knew I danced for Him ….. no collar, no label, no protocols.

Married first …. we have managed jobs, kids, responsibilities and hard times this way. Health scares, family stress, you name it.

Never alone, never divided. Maybe our idea of married is just different from most.

Love You Always Sir ❤

Submissive to Him, maybe, but with attitude! *chuckle*

Still rockin’ out to some music, still getting things done. Doing some math as I go along.

O’s + bunny = happy! *wink* no two ways about it. 😉 Sneaking in more play time is paying off, even if it is at 4 am! Hurry home Evilness, can’t wait ….

You taught me the ways of desire, now it’s takin’ its toll
You’re the right kind of sinner to release my inner fantasy

Your love is like a tidal wave, spinning over my head
Drownin’ me in your promises, better left unsaid
You’re the right kind of sinner to release my inner fantasy
The invincible winner and you know that you were born to be

You’re a heartbreaker, dream maker, love taker
Don’t you mess around with me
You’re a heartbreaker, dream maker, love taker
Don’t you mess around, no, no, no

Your love has set my soul on fire, burnin’ out of control
You taught me the ways of desire, now it’s takin’ its toll
You’re the right kind of sinner to release my inner fantasy
The invincible winner and you know that you were born to be

You’re a heartbreaker, dream maker, love taker
Don’t you mess around with me
You’re a heartbreaker, dream maker, love taker
Don’t you mess around, no, no, no

You’re the right kind of sinner to release my inner fantasy
The invincible winner and you know that you were born to be

You’re a heartbreaker, dream maker, love taker
Don’t you mess around with me
You’re a heartbreaker, dream maker, love taker
Don’t you mess around with me

You’re a heartbreaker, dream maker, love taker
Don’t you mess around with me
You’re a heartbreaker, dream maker, love taker

Just catching up, and orgasms!

Brain download, enter at your own risk! *chuckle*

I’ve been thinking about these two things for a little while now. Two things that I have written about but I don’t know if I was able to get the entire story across. I’m not sure if everyone reading has had all the important details in order to fully understand what I am trying to blog about so I guess you can call this a bit of a ‘catch all’. If this brings up any questions please feel free to ask!

Firstly, no I am not writing about catching up on orgasms, well sort of but not really!

One post I wrote and also some comments that I have made out there in blog land are based on a post I wrote about different types of orgasms and specifically different types for me! I’m still not going into details of how but I am going to try to explain the change in intensity, again for me.

When we were younger and before kids came around, I had already started on the path of noticing that for me there are a variety of intensities of orgasms. ALL of them very good, I’m not complaining, this is just explaining. Starting with the most subtle, warm feeling but quiet ones (not my norm), to the more vocal and physical ones. I was never the quiet type but sometimes I swear Sir really should have been wearing ear protection for His own safety! Some times however, there was a hint of the ones I would find … this one is all-encompassing! This one started to be the ‘norm’ after we started playing around with BDSM.

This one, the ‘one’ I keep referring to, the one that escapes us as of late, is Earth shattering in its finality. I completely lose all control, screaming, crying, laughter …. shaking, convulsions even. My health and well-being are completely in the arms of the Bear. He needs to keep me safe, keep me from hurting myself, from falling and even keep me breathing! Explosion of energy really is the best way to describe it, my body in convulsions and red like a tomato. Really!

He needs to calm me down, check and remind me to breathe, cool me off and hold me until I stop shaking. Eventually I will stop shaking and catch my breath, probably face covered in tears that ran out uncontrolled and laughter escaping here and there. The idea of the lunatic in a ‘B’ movie comes to mind. I really have lost all my senses …. it’s that powerful.

I could never do this while ‘away’, and not while anyone is home either! Well we have tried, early mornings and out in the garage, and I have tried to keep quiet. (Yeah, didn’t work!) The problem with outside is that it’s either too hot, or too cold and with my physical issues even if I wanted to brave it Sir won’t allow it. The nice days of course will find neighbours out and about gardening, dog walks etc. So not the ideal situation. We have managed a couple of times but obviously not much.

When we play with BDSM I require the same intensity and feel to be satisfied completely there as well. Needless to say that is also very loud and in our current position hard to come by. The energy from either of those things to me is the same, a pretty powerful ‘O’ I would say.

Now as to why we can never seem to get around to it. Not the site I normally go into these details but in hopes of letting you understand …

A few years ago we starting experiencing some serious mental health issues with my oldest. Things became very hard to deal with around here and even violent in some cases. Obviously our focus started turning towards the boys and not so much our sex life. Probably not as much as it should have, but that’s for another time.

We did eventually get some help, he was put on some medication and his mood swings were manged. He went through counselling for a while and things have leveled off. All of the hectic energy and traumatic days triggered something in the youngest however.

He has always had issues to over come but we manged them quite nicely with support and understanding from me. I became his advocate a very long time ago and I stayed home shortly after he was born because the boys were having issues and because it just worked best for us.

Long story short, the youngest managed in the world with no one being any the wiser right into high school. Everyone knew there was something he had that made him more in tune and more perceptive than those around him but that was where it stayed. Enter these hard days at home for the better part of 2 1/2 years and then one very @sshole of a teacher and his life went very sideways.

Again, the short of it, he spent the better part of a year locked up in the house. If we did mange to get him out the door it was with one of us and for a very short period of time. He is now on anti anxiety medication and to help with OCD and since February has manged to go back to school for half days! YAY!! I can not begin to tell you the relief we have felt to see both boys getting back to ‘normal’.

I was very much his life line in all of this and anything even remotely looking like I wasn’t the kick ass warrior he was used to would be a potential trigger. I stopped wearing my more distinctive collar in the evenings, I stooped sitting at His feet, I stopped any sort of ‘play’ that made any noise because you were guaranteed door slams that moment and behaviours that indicated he had been triggered for days after. Needless to say our sex life became secondary to their mental well-being. The intensity of the ‘O’ was simply not possible with him always home.

They did get out once per week when The Walking Dead played because the boys have always gone to Gramma’s to watch the episodes together. Not much time to get BDSM, maintenance spankings and magnificent ‘O’ in … LoL That’s not even accounting for cold and flu season and my various physical issues that like to make appearances at the most inopportune moments!!

So yes we get to play, some … and we get lots of sex and ‘normal’ orgasms but that one that releases all the pent of energy and stress that we have been under is very hard to find as is any BDSM play!

The house is very literally never our own when the Bear can be here too. We even went as far as to set me up working part-time and planning for days off for the Bear. We could play while the boys were at school and no one would know. The problem was that first one boy stayed out of school and then the second stayed out of school. Eventually BOTH boys were out of school and me running around trying to figure out what to do with them and how to get them back to life.

OUR time never happened, and so here we are.

We’re hoping they are getting back on track and hoping our boys will be okay. The oldest has had enough issues with school that he will not be going back. On line work for now and possibly finishing up high school at the college, I guess we’ll see. The youngest is set up for two morning classes and two online from home classes in the afternoon. He still never goes anywhere but we are hoping that will come, soon.

BTW The Walking Dead needs to be starting up again soon, doesn’t it??? PLEASE!! *chuckle*

So I think that’s the short and long of it. If something doesn’t make sense please ask. It’s not that we don’t want to play, or can’t figure each other out, it’s simply that life will not allow it. So the Bear and I wait ….. we play some but just not at the same intensity.

BDSM and that magic ‘O’ are my stress relievers and I have enough stress on a daily basis to really notice when I can’t play. Not that way, not right now. We’ve started adding things back in and taking it slow so to not trigger anything. Patience indeed.