From what i understand … explaining needs.

This was something that i struggled with at the beginning of including the dynamic into our relationship. I have always been a dominant person, take inventory and then take charge. I don’t see life as problems and issues i see next steps and solutions, so there is that to take into account.

Having two dominants in this marriage however led to hurt and redundant feelings for the Bear, It also lead to me being overburdened and worn out. The responsibilities were out of balance and so were we. So i looked for a solution! *wink*

It started with me just asking for kink, or more kink. I knew it would at least alleviate some of the stress i was under. I’m a masochist, if it’s not kink it’s something else that i’m doing to push my body, to get the endorphin high, to mellow me out you could say. So adding the kink was the start of the revelation.

It was easy to see how He could take responsibility in those instances, it was easy to feel how some of the weight of life was lifted off of my shoulders! Why not continue that throughout the day? He was obviously much more content having that responsibility, it wasn’t a burden it was a relief to Him to have something He could take charge of and make a difference in my life with. Who knew!?!? *wink*

That’s when the damn fantasy hit! *chuckle* You know the one, He does it all on His own, somehow reads my mind, knows exactly what and how to do things. And WHEN! Lord forbid i be the one to ask or explain, that takes away all the dominance from Him, doesn’t it???

Oh and my favourite, i’m just here for His use and benefit and asking/advocating for what i need and want is just me not submitting. RUBBISH! Back to the beginning we went, in my research that is. In a marriage this seems to be much more of a prevalent idea, at least in my travels. Many of the submissives i talked to were unhappy with their situations but felt that any input from their end was topping. They also felt that it took away from the feel of submission if they were truthful in this way, if they asked.

I admit i fell into this thinking for a short while, and i started experiencing the ebbs and flows everyone talks about. I was even at the brink of simply throwing in the towel and forgetting the whole thing! If you have been around long enough you might remember ….

I started looking outside the married submissive sites, i started talking to people in the lifestyle, some for a very long time. I started to realize that if you get into D/s or M/s from the beginning one of the first things you do, or should do is negotiate needs, wants and your vision of where and what this relationship should be.

You put in the ground work to make sure you are well matched and on the same page with your thoughts and needs. It’s only after that foundation is set that you start experimenting with the lifestyle and with your own personal dynamic. There is a lot of checking in and communicating from both sides in order to get things ‘right’ before finally getting into the ‘fantasy’ that we have in our heads.

So why should i/we do it any different?

I put the idea of topping or thinking that this was somehow ‘less than’ in submission out of my head and i started talking. If submission is putting your self, your soul at the feet of another does that not too include your real thoughts, feelings and needs?

All i know is that we are both content now, and i rarely need to say anything these days. That doesn’t mean i won’t though, i won’t disrespect His dominance by being dishonest, in any way. He’s proven that He can take the best and the worst of me. I’m not hiding anything anymore.

(Thanks for the inspiration in your comments! 😉 )

A Good Woman – (for all you Doms/subs and people in general)

I’m a ‘good woman’, that’s what He tells me.

He says it often lately, again ….

I’m still the same person i have always been, capable of all the good and all the bad at any time. But, for some reason He seems to find it easy to tell me lately that I’m a good woman.

Why? Well because life takes over, it does things and changes things and makes plans go sideways … you know, all the ‘fun’ stuff that can be stressful and irritating. That, that’s what it does …

But me, well, i stay happy and positive and ready to help … or … wait, if that’s what it takes. No pouting, no whining, no issues …. no hard feelings and no sense of being less than.

With all of that out of the way i have no need or want to blame or bicker. But why is that? Am I just a saint? LoL

Remember the few minutes He took with me this morning? The few minutes that meant that i was on His mind and important and wanted?? Yeah, those few minutes … that’s why i can be His ‘good girl’, that’s why i can be patient and wait and not feel cast aside.

It doesn’t take a lot of money or a lot of time. It just takes attention and a moment.

I wrote this about 6 months ago, i couldn’t tell you what ‘the thing’ was that He did exactly because He does ‘things’ all the time. Things that make me content and happy to serve.

I didn’t have the inspiration to finish it then but i think i might now! *wink*

I’ve been waiting and reading for these past 6 months, i’ve been watching what goes on around me and i have more than once thought of deleting this site. i’ve wanted to delete it or change it somehow so that it no longer was a lifestyle blog. No more labels no more submission no more of anything that would identify me with that.

Why? Because i have seen too many people who are being taken advantage of and mistreated all under the guise of D/s or M/s.

Submission is not about letting someone do whatever the h3ll they want and stifling ourselves. Submission is not supposed to feel miserable or oppressive or down right abusive. Submission is not supposed to leave you hurt and broken.

That is not submission, that is not the way a dominant behaves.

No matter what you call yourself or how your dynamic looks the energy and attention needs to come from both sides, all sides, in order for this to work. Blaming and shaming is not D/s, throwing the blame onto someone and beating them down at every turn is not being dominant, it’s abusive!

Now, if for some reason you are someone who has in fact contracted just that than so be it. If you have agreed to be treated this way because it somehow fulfills you than have it it! YOU are not the person i am talking to.

If however you find yourself in a similar situation and it is not what you signed up for than you should speak up. You should never be belittled or punished for using your voice.

COMMUNICATION …. where in there does it say you are not allowed to have thoughts and feelings? To be heard, to be validated and to be honoured for having the courage to share them!!

And one more thing … if you haven’t the tools or knowledge to handle your own immediate house, what the hell makes you think you should be adding to the mess of it all??? If your submissive is not happy and fulfilled it’s not their problem, it’s yours!

Speaking from my own dominant side: If you can’t be around and counted on when the shit hits the fan, what the hell good are you as a dom anyway???

**** In case anyone out there thinks this is about one person and one situation, don’t. Like i said, for 6 months i have read, watched and listened.

I wish i could say this was a one off, but it’s not! It seems to be an epidemic, so please, good and realistic people out there, speak up.  The new explorers, old hats and the rest of the internet need to know. That is not D/s, that is not what we stand for and why we crave it so.

That is not us …. ***



I don’t always like His decision.

It’s funny, sometimes the way things work out.

I’m a thinker, I always have been, my mind doesn’t stop for a minute normally, it’s how I’m built. Most people will tell you the same thing but it’s not the same. It’s even more than the ‘normal’ over thinker.

My oldest son shares this with me, he also likes to research these things, i think he is trying to understand himself … there is a name for it, it’s in about less than 2% of the population.

The point, I’m always thinking, i always have a plan, the answer, the way of doing things, all figured out in advance of even being able to speak the ‘issue’.

So when He’s in charge, He doesn’t always do things or decide things in the way that I have already figured out! *wink*

Most often things are discussed and decisions are come to together because being the dominant doesn’t mean being the only one who weighs in on what’s needed or appropriate. We might be in a power exchange relationship but we are partners in life. This type of relationship doesn’t absolve me of all life responsibility. Anyway ….

Sometimes, like earlier this week, the decision really is all on Him. It doesn’t happen as much as what you out there might think. Not on the big things, the things that really affect our family or our dynamic, because let’s face it, i’m part of that too. But sometimes the decision really is unilateral …. and when it’s not what i thought of it does catch me off guard.

So, sometimes i don’t like the decision He has come to, even for just a moment – but there is always a feeling of relief and an almost obvious weight that gets lifted off my shoulders.

…. and just for a moment, my mind slows down ….. 

Why do i let Him lead even when i don’t always like the answer? Because it feels good, because it gives me space to breathe. 

Life is perfect

My relationship with the Bear is perfect! Well, okay maybe not ‘perfect’ but it’s perfect for me, for us.

I may be His submissive but that doesn’t mean i’m stuck dealing with things that bother me or i can’t accept, it doesn’t mean He gets to do whatever He wants without consequence.

Our relationship started in a vanilla sense and many of these limits were already figured out i suppose, but i can’t see me settling for something even if we had only ever been D/s. Does that mean that’s i’m not actually submissive to Him? No, i don’t think so but it does mean that He respects me and my needs and emotions just as much as He wants me to respect Him/His.

Our wants and needs line up pretty well, i guess almost 25 years together will do that to you! *chuckle* I don’t think there is anything He wants that i’m not okay with anyway but if there was i know He would have more respect for me than to disregard my emotional needs and go on with it.

Being my dominant is not about what He wants, it’s about what i need. My needs come first, then He gets whatever it is He wants ….

I might be submissive to my husband but i’m not in any other sense. I can tell you from experience that when i’m in a dominant role the primary objective is NEVER what i want, it’s the needs and requirements of the things/people i have taken responsibility for. It’s only after that has been satisfied that i get to do what i ‘want’.

This D/s relationship is no different. With great power comes great responsibility …..

Humiliation? or just sexy?

I read this a few weeks ago and it got me thinking, like usual right!?!? *chuckle* Anyway, it is very much kink inspired and so if you are not here for the nitty gritty of it all please feel free to skip this post!

If you are, perhaps you should take a gander before you read my thoughts so that you know where i’m coming from. 🙂

I’ve been given a reprieve from my debauchery — for the morning at least, as I’ve been granted time to myself and promised a casual time with Amanda at the cafe for brunch. So already this Saturday a.m. I’ve taken a leisurely bath, and I spent good time washing and pampering my hair, which had […]

via hurt so good — slave shae

Shae is in a situation where she is ‘owned’. Now, i could use the same words as she does, owned, used etc. but to me it simply doesn’t have the same feel of humiliation as it seems to elicit in her. I have a theory ….

My submission and my ‘use’ is all done within a loving and completely committed relationship. Mine is done within a marriage that not only encompasses sex and ‘slavery’ but also includes the commitments of everyday life, home, cars, and children. For a lack of better explanation mine doesn’t seem as linear, mine is more far reaching and perhaps more fulfilling? Not a judgement, just a ponder …

When i am ‘of use’ to my dominant i feel the subspace and the high but what i don’t feel is that i’m ‘only‘ a vessel for His pleasure. To me the experience, no matter how primal or single minded, is always reciprocal. He doesn’t just do it to me, He does it ‘for me’ …. and i know i have many more ‘uses’ than just that one in this life we share.

Is that perhaps why our view and feeling on the matter is different? Is it because i’m inside a marriage that has commitments and carries on with or without the dynamic that i don’t feel humiliated by the fun we have?

Or is it just a ‘me’ thing?? A rabbit thing? *chuckle*

let me count the ways

Not all of the ways He dominates are obvious or intense. Some of the most poignant are, i think, very obscure to most, benign almost.

The weather is warm and my clothing shows that, and my shoulders are bare.

My hair is more than shoulder length now, longer than i have ever had it in my life really. It has a wavy texture and a slight curl on the ends, it’s very fine.

Not me, but it almost could be! *wink*

It rubs up against my shoulders and back with every move when i am wearing it down. Every rub reminds me that it’s this length because HE chose it. I am this way because He chose it. 

It might not seem like intense play, but in my mind …. it is!

(I like having it like this, now … don’t get me wrong, it’s just not likely anything i would have ever managed on my own. For myself.)

Today …

Today, i’m not really feeling submissive. It’s okay, i don’t think it’s a big deal really, i think that’s the way real life goes for some of us.

I have lots to do around here and ‘mental health fires’ to put out and manage. Plans need to be made and steps going forward need to be thought through and put into action.

I have things and people to take control for and lead. Does that sound like a ‘submissive’ mind space to you? *chuckle*

Just because i’m a take charge kind of person and i have lots of responsibilities on my shoulders doesn’t mean i can’t still be submissive to Him. It just means i’m wearing a different shirt right now. *wink*

Just because i’m His submissive doesn’t mean i can’t take charge in other areas as well, it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing and it doesn’t make it any less committed or connected. It just means we both know how to adapt and move forward in a way that best suits us and the people dependent on us.

So no, right now i’m not in any sort of submissive space, but once He’s home ….  then i can drop the armor and be His once more.


I like taking charge, i also like being His …. maybe i’m greedy but i’ll take both, thank you! *wink*


Just once

I don’t fit in, i never have and that’s okay, truly.

I have no intention of fitting in or trying to be someone else’s idea of a …. whatever.

I can’t deny though, that just once it would be nice to find someone else, like me. Like me here, in ‘sub’ land so i could have a conversation and maybe compare notes.

Is that too much to ask … ???




I heard this some time ago and I find it eerily comforting.

I think it explains the what, ‘silence’, and the how to escape it. I think in one manner or another this is what we all feel when we don’t feel connected.

I will be back to this, there are many, many words in my head ….. but the Bear is home with dinner and so I will go! Wish you a good weekend and please ……

DON’T be silent.