Hurts so good?!?!

That’s not actually the case, not right now anyway!

I’ve been hurtin’ a lot lately but none of it consensual and none of it good. There are new followers again and i thought i’d leave you that bread crumb should you choose to know more.

My brain and body are on overdrive and i could use a little hurtin’, but the one of my choosing, not this one! *chuckle*

Kink has definitely been on the back burner lately, both due to this and due to lack of energy. I haven’t started anything and neither has He.

The privacy issue is still a problem and with the current state of things with the youngest, we seem to be going backwards instead of forward and onward ….

I’m still in good spirits and i’ve always got a smile on but i’d be lying if i said it wasn’t frustrating and well, exhausting! Mentally and physically.

**** See, this is what BDSM helps with for me. Getting started these days physically is more of a challenge but once things start flowing everything changes, becomes easier. My body temperature regulates, my (non consensual) pain lessens and the longer the session the better i feel overall.

It relaxes both my body/muscles and my mind, it alleviates some of the exhaustion of the everyday and seems to rejuvenate, both mentally and physically.

I call it ‘play’ because well, unlike some of the other possibilities for impact, like punishment or maintenance etc., this is for fun. It provides a service and is for a reason, as i just explained, but it’s not ‘to keep me in line’ or behaving or whatever the reason you might choose. It’s just to keep me relaxed and happy.

Like you would ‘play’ soccer or volleyball to keep you mentally and physically healthy, i ‘play’ out a scene for the same reasons. It has rules and parameters, checks and balances to make sure both sides are getting what they need, it’s hopefully enjoyable to all players and keeps you coming back for more.

It’s addictive in the same way that playing sports, running, or going to the gym can be and you don’t feel ‘right’ when you have had to miss out.

***** now i’m going to be rambling *****

I haven’t the opportunity for an all out scene these days because we don’t frequent dungeons and we have no privacy at home. I am a masochist though and if my body wasn’t so ‘beat up’ i would probably take up kick boxing while i waited for BDSM to once again be on the horizon. As it stands, i work out whenever i can manage.

The kneeling and waiting and focus you get from a higher protocol relationship can be somewhat duplicated through yoga or meditation. Honestly/realistically the energy source in all of these is you (the submissive) and so is the choice to tap into it or not. It is all about relaxing the mind, being in the moment and tapping into the energy …. i enjoy these activities when i can as well.

Bondage, well this one is a favourite of mine and doesn’t make much noise. My wrists are not ‘happy’ right now but looser bondage gives the impression without the unwanted pain. My ankles are okay atm, so use them, and a nice thick collar and leash always fit the bill ….. there are many ways to do bondage and accommodate injury or disability, you simply need to look and learn. This one is on you, Bear.

*****

When i get down on kinky energy, Bear gets down on kinky energy. I wish I could say He starts things on His own but He doesn’t. It would be nice if He took initiative that way, but He doesn’t, it’s just not His way.

He ‘doms’ by taking care of me, watching what i need (besides kink) and taking care of that without needing to be asked or told.

When it comes to kink, He’s like a kid in a candy store when i invite Him in and say ‘wanna play’? But if i don’t He just keeps His eyes on the everyday and carries on.

I know He wouldn’t be happy to let it all go, His ‘happy’ is not there when we can’t play. Just because He never seems to want to start things doesn’t mean He’s not a dom/sadist, He’s just a lazy one??? (sorry Bear, don’t know a better way to say it) when it comes to play time. He also seems to focus more on the road blocks than i do, i’m more inventive you could say! *raspberries*

This is a type of D/s by the way, can’t remember the exact ‘label’ (imagine that, me ignoring labels! LoL ) but it is a relationship type that falls under the D/s M/s umbrella. Perhaps not what some of us envisioned but submission is to be done according the the dom’s wants, right?

Anyhow, i’ll leave you with this, today’s theme … for me anyway!

What is a ‘scene’?

** to us of course, everyone has their own needs and wants.

After the beginning of an interesting conversation, this topic just hasn’t left my mind. The only way to clear it for me is, you guessed it, write it out!

The Bear and i don’t do role playing, it just doesn’t work for us. When we are engaged in BDSM we need it all to be real, to be authentic in order for it to be comfortable for us. Some like to play around with different situations and scenarios and that’s a personal choice, but just not ours.

Sometimes we play around to fulfill His needs, i enjoy that because it gives me a real sense of submission and a sense of serving Him. Just as spanking and impact play frees me from the stress of the every day, impact play frees His stress too. It’s always consensual and yes, there have been times when i have told Him that i just wasn’t ready or ‘up to it’. The choice of how to proceed was His of course but never has He insisted when my mind or body wasn’t up to it. That’s what makes Him a dominant, not the idea of making someone do something they clearly don’t want, but anyway ….

Sometimes we play to fulfill my needs. Just as spanking by hand or by paddle etc. builds endorphins and helps to free stressful energy, so too does a flogger on my back or legs, a cane on the more private and intimate places etc. The build up of energy is the same, the sensations of relaxation or pain/pleasure mix are the same just in a different spot. I find it all encompassing and it relaxes my entire body, not just my backside! *giggle*

When we have the opportunity to play ‘well’ i’m usually left floaty (subspace) and not really able to function on my own. Aftercare is where He now takes me to bed, or a warm safe space where i can rest, have water and warm up. A ‘good’ scene will bring the chemicals in my body to a certain state where i need to physically ‘come down’ from. This normally involves thirst, cooling of my body giving me the chills, and more often then not the re-balancing of chemicals will give me the shakes.

Sometimes sex is involved but most often it’s something that happens after IF i’m able and ready. My state takes priority over anything He may want at this stage and if sex needs to wait then He will make that call. Normally after a short rest i’m more than ready but you just never know!

Everything we do is because we enjoy it, it’s for a reason and serves a purpose. We don’t pretend that i’ve been captured or that i’m a naughty school girl. That is just not part of our kink. Just as spanking serves a purpose for some, the play we engage in provides a respite and a refresh before having to take on the world once more.

BDSM is my spa day! 😉 Anyone else …. ??

Today’s mood :)

I do crinkle my nose, He does tuck me in …. and the little rabbit is always around these days. 🙂
Enjoy …
Will you count me in?
I’ve been awake for a while now
You’ve got me feelin’ like a child now
‘Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place
It starts in my toes, and I crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes I always know
That you make me smile, please, stay for a while now
Just take your time wherever you go
The rain is fallin’ on my window pane
But we are hidin’ in a safer place
Under covers stayin’ dry and warm
You give me feelings that I adore
It starts in my toes, make me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I always know
That you make me smile, please, stay for a while now
Just take your time wherever you go
But what am I gonna say?
When you make me feel this way
I just, mmm
And it starts in my toes, makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I always know
That you make me smile, please, stay for a while now
Just take your time wherever you go
I’ve been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
‘Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I’m comfortable enough to feel your warmth
It starts in my soul, and I lose all control
When you kiss my nose, the feelin’ shows
‘Cause you make me smile, baby, just take your time now
Holdin’ me tight
Wherever, wherever, wherever you go
Wherever, wherever, wherever you go
Wherever you go I always know
‘Cause you make me smile, even just for a while
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Colbie Caillat / Jason Reeves
Bubbly lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Of multitasking, stress and spankings …

If you are like most women i know, you multitask. You do it at work, you do it at home, you do it with your friends. It has been researched and documented from time to time, that’s the way our minds work.

I’m not saying that men don’t have stress, that would be ridiculous, but i don’t think you need to look very far to see that generally it’s the females in your circles that take on more of the ‘things that need doing’ stress in the day to day. None of it is ‘more’ or ‘less’ either, so don’t send me comments that everyone has stress and no one more than the other, i know.

Being more likely to do more than one thing at a time means that we stress about multiple issues at once as well, we just do it differently. In your basic relationship it’s generally the female that is stressed out and possibly agitated, is it not?

This probably explains why more often than not when you hear of a ‘spanking’ relationship it’s the female getting spanked and the male doing the spanking. This is all based on a traditional relationship, i’m well aware that there are many different types of relationships but i am only musing on one, like mine, specifically. 

In a previous post i explained how a spanking/punishment scenario could be used but now i’d like to muse on spanking for stress release. It was something the previous post touched on so here goes!

One possible reason for incorporating spankings into your life/dynamic and one reason we tend to do better after ‘maintenance or punishments’ or whatever you want to frame it as, is because it works with the chemicals in your body.

A spanking done properly (this depends on the person, no two are exactly alike so you need to experiment and find your ‘sweet spot’ but there is a lot of good info out there to get you started) will help to relax your body, release negative energy, calm your muscles and your mind.

If you find a rhythm and intensity that works for you the pain very quickly turns into something else. Your body starts to release endorphins that really do make you ‘feel good’ and not in pain or uncomfortable like you might think. Increasing the intensity will increase the effect but again, this is a very personal reaction that requires a very personal approach. It may not be exactly the same each time either, as a female i find that the time of month makes a big difference and as someone with chronic illness the intensity might be a toss up from day to day!

The point is that spankings done in this context are not painful, not really. They are relaxing and in fact very enjoyable, especially the side effects. If you are one of the lucky ones, a good spanking alone can lead to a very intense orgasm! *wink* Personally i have found these to be some of the most intense ones i have experienced and no other stimulation was needed.

I understand that it may seem odd to those who have never tried it, but the fact is that there are many reasons why we enjoy this type of play. This physical reaction is just one very basic reason why it works. Doing it on a schedule/’maintenance’, helps to keep those good things working and it’s why we seem to ‘spiral’ when we don’t get it.

At least this has been my experience, and so too of the few ladies i have had the pleasure of getting to know.

What about you, if you have a similar relationship, do you find these things hold true for you as well?

 

What makes it D/s, instead of ‘vanilla’?

** This is my opinion of course, my view on what the difference is. **

To me, the thing that makes it D/s and not ‘vanilla’ is that there are no games! Or at least, there are no games that have not been agreed on and consented to.

I believe that D/s is much less about kink and more about the honesty and openness that the partners share.

You can be kinky and not be D/s ……

Happy Friday ❤

Lean into me – a different kind of D/s

A new type of domination and submission?

I’ve been pretty comfortable in my dynamic for some time now, even on the boring non-sexy days which of course happen too often in my opinion! *smirk* (sorry, bunny sneaks out every so often and causes ‘trouble’! :P)

There are many types of dynamics and varying degrees of domination or submission that can be experienced. None of them right or wrong and none better than the other either, the measure of success is simply whether or not it works for you.

I thought perhaps i’d share a little bit of how mine works with you since i haven’t really seen it represented. i may have missed you if you have, i certainly haven’t read all there is to find on the great wide web, i just haven’t found you yet. 😉 Okay, let’s be honest, i tend to stay away from all things ‘internet’ and ‘community’ if possible so unless you are on here i likely won’t find you.

Firstly let me start off by saying i don’t agree with this notion of ‘real’ or ‘true’ anything, i don’t believe that you can only be ‘born this way’ or it’s fake.

Secondly, i believe that people will often times evolve and whatever worked 10 or 15 years ago may no longer work for you now, and so you make a change. It doesn’t mean you were wearing a mask then and it doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough now. It’s natural for life to shape and change your path as you move through this world, the notion that you will forever be as you were is narrow.

To put it into a D/s or BDSM context, when i was young i would never have been the submissive in bed. (Or anywhere.) It was not something in my wheelhouse, to be told or led or whatever … simply not possible, I was very often the initiator and that may or may not turn into a very primal event (most often did) but never was submission on the table. Side note – i never wanted my partner submissive either, i needed someone as strong as me.

After meeting the Bear and getting married and finally being ‘safe’ in my world, my fantasies turned to CNC. I guess you could say that is still in someways primal but it does take the initiating/the control out of my hands. It was still not submission but it was putting me into a submissive position in bed, and that i enjoyed very much!

Now, some 20+ years later and i have no real want for initiating or controlling anything in the bedroom, i don’t even feel the need for anything ‘primal’ these days. Things may still be very sensual and ‘out of control’ in our time together but it’s more a submissive high, and all encompassing energy – not pushing and scratching and trying to get away. (Bear does still need that CNC at times so i do try to tap into that energy but it is not my first choice.)

This doesn’t mean i don’t ever start things though, i think that may be a misconception that when you are D/s 24/7 you should never as the submissive ask/start anything sexual. To me that depends entirely on your dominant and what their needs or wants are. If He/She likes it when you tease or beg than it’s right, so do it! No guilt and no comparing, do what feels right to you both, what works for you both and it is right, simple.

Outside the bedroom however, if your D/s is more than just sexual, you may like me/us find that complete control is not needed or even possible. I fall squarely into the submissive/rope bunny category but out in the real world i am nothing if not completely dominant and in control. It’s not a mask i wear until i get home, it’s me. It’s simply another aspect of my personality.

This leads me to our type of D/s, the one that may be short on representation. You guys tell me …. *wink*

I live and work in a dominant way, i don’t need to be held and guided through things, i don’t often require assistance at all. Bear doesn’t try to ‘teach’ or ‘shelter’ me, He doesn’t have to and He’s fully aware of that fact. We have set life up so that He has control over things and we do have rules that help to promote that but it’s all really symbolic most of the time.

When D/s really becomes the center of things outside the bedroom is when i lean into Him. He doesn’t follow me around trying to see when i need something and when i don’t. He knows i generally ‘have this’ and to try and chase me around or guess would be time consuming and frankly, exhausting!

This is where my strength comes in, this is that part where people say submission takes strength and work, at least it is for me. This is where my evolution led, this is why years ago i wouldn’t have done it, i wouldn’t have been able to. Now however, with His strength and His patience and His guidance over the years …. now, if i am in need of Him i go to Him, i lean in and He takes over. 

It’s quick, it’s simple and almost always unspoken. Bear is a visual communicator and i have learned that so i remember and i make use of it.

It may not be as obvious as those who need to be told and controlled all the time but in my view just because i don’t need rules on how to get the house clean or when to go to bed doesn’t mean i’m any less in this dance of D/s.

When i need Him i go to Him, He takes hold and takes over, every time, without fail. Simple …. but i can’t sit back and wait, that’s just not the way it works. If i don’t have the submissive spirit to go to Him in the first place than my need will likely go unmet, at least until it’s been much too long and i’m already in a bad space in my mind. So why wait?

Happy Friday! ❤

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder ..

… but, sometimes the beholder needs a bit of help to see it. ❤

I’ve been musing recently how it used to be when i had a small group of like minded friends to chat with. It was nice to just be able to say what you thought without having to worry or explain like you would with those outside of the ‘lifestyle’.

It was also nice that when talking about everyday happenings, especially the everyday happenings that we all do, at some point take for granted, chat friends can point out the ‘obvious’ beauty of your D/s that you just don’t seem to see right then.

You hear often that the small things are what counts and what keep you going when you have more than just a D/s relationship but when stuck in the middle of everything else it sometimes takes an outsider to point the ‘small things’ out for you. Once you realize you can see the beauty of YOUR dynamic no matter how loud or how quiet it may be right then.

Just because your dynamic isn’t as loud as before doesn’t mean it’s not still in tact, it simply means that other things in your life need a voice this time. It may also mean that it’s the quiet that comes before the evolution, the next step in your journey. Maybe it’s both. 🙂

I just always found that it made it easier to see the beauty in our lives, our D/s lives, when others were there to point some of it out. It also seemed to me that it then made seeing the small things in our own relationships that much easier as well.

I think we sometimes lose track of how well things are going when they don’t fit the book version, when it isn’t all kinky you-know-what! When life takes over, and we all know it will from time to time, having that knowledge and understanding of the small things helps us to know we are still ‘we’. Just maybe a bit quieter right now. *wink*

Just rambles! 😀

What do you mean? I don’t know, what do *you* mean?

Bear and I talk, all  the  time …. i mean like, really! All – the – time, and still there are moments where our ideas of what the other person means when they use a term or label couldn’t be further from what their reality is. Not only do i find this fascinating at times i also find it important to remember and understand!

After all this time together, and all this time together in D/s and BDSM, you’d think/assume that we would know just what the other means when they use these buzz words. That type of assumption can get you into some complicated and confusing situations!

Just this past weekend for example, Bear and i were on a short drive and since we were alone we struck up a BDSM conversation. No time wasted when you are busy in life and have very few private moments to spare! *wink* Since things are beginning to look more and more stable with the family we have started to allow ourselves to daydream about what we would like and what may be in the hopefully not so distant future.

The conversation lead to ‘play’ of course. I use the term a lot when i’m referring to BDSM and i guess i was thinking that He and i would have a very similar description of what that was, what that term meant, to us.

WRONG!!

Now, at some point when we were playing more and more often i think our definitions were pretty much identical, but over time and lack of practice (and discussion) things seemed to have shifted between His perception and mine. His definition was now much closer to the stolen moments we get. My definition is still much more of a manipulating of the body and sensation, pain and pleasure, endorphins, relaxation, exhaustion.  SUBSPACE ….. and in truth it doesn’t even need to involve sex.

I think the revelation that we were not at all on the same page with this was a bit of a shock, to both of us, but once we let that sink in for a while we were then able to move on to an honest conversation of where our differences in understanding were and what we needed/wanted to do about it.

The idea that honest communication is paramount in this is pretty well understood but do you really know what that communication needs to look like?

I think it’s too easy to get comfortable in things. Using these labels for a while makes you comfortable in just slipping them into our conversations for ease of understanding. As nice as it is to have a ‘lingo’ to fall back on, when you are dealing with something as intricate and personal as this, using the labels will often times confuse instead of enlighten.

True understanding comes from in-depth, honest, communication and it needs to be checked up on often.

As life changes, our dynamic changes and our needs and understandings change. None of it is right or wrong, none of it is more or less. It’s personal and it’s specific to us and where we are right now. And, it’s so very important that it’s not compared either.

***** ***** ***** ***** so in other news ……

Many of you probably realize by now that i don’t read erotic re-tells. What you might not understand is the main reason why. Besides having different preferences in reading materials, i also realized very early into this journey that those types of sites/stories made it really easy to compare my life, my story-line, to the ones i was reading.

People don’t write about the hiccups along the way in an erotic story, they don’t write that ‘today we did nothing D/s, we went to work, cleaned the house and fed the kids, watched some t.v because we were both so tired and then fell into bed, to sleep.’

Some write sites that encompass both but not in the same ‘fun’ post.  I read the real, down to earth posts, the ones that match up with my life, real life and i leave the stories to my imagination, because those are based on what i HAVE DONE and although it may leave me nostalgic (among other things! lol) it doesn’t leave me feeling like i’m less than, or missing anything.

A different kind of approach perhaps, an odd view, maybe …. but it works for me. 🙂

Almost a fantasy

Bear and i have been doing really well incorporating D/s into the everyday i think. Things are feeling pretty good and even though we are not kinking it up 24/7 we are feeling pretty good about our ‘places’. At least i think you are, right Bear??

Any loud impact play is still off the table unfortunately but hopefully soon!!

Bear has been relying on more mental domination and physical restraint, not with all the bells and whistles of bondage but obvious none the less. When you only have 30 or 40 minutes taking the time to ‘setup’ would mean we were done before we started!

True to form, when i’m ‘happy’ i worry and think less and less and simply act and react more and more. I don’t wait and fret, i simply do what feels natural and let Him take care of the rest. That’s just as it should be anyway, isn’t it?

The shouldda, couldda, wouldda is out of our minds and we just go with the flow as they say. I tap into my subspace and He taps into His domspace. It doesn’t matter who starts it at any given time, i don’t think it’s even a thing right now, who started …. we just ‘do’.

We’ve done all the hard work, we have talked and explored and learned. We have discussed, consented and agreed. The fantasy of ‘how it should be’ and how it should feel and be done is gone and you know what???

We are closer now to living the fantasy than we have ever been. We simply had to put it all out of our minds. LoL

TGIF ❤

Power exchange or peri-menopause??

Our thanksgiving holiday is less than 2 weeks away. I’m not doing anything, we decided a few years back that due to my chronic issues i would no longer be hosting. If my physical situation changes than we will think again but until then, i’m done.

This year Bear’s youngest brother has decided to ‘do something’, he/they normally skip town! LoL Long story short they spend much more energy on ‘her side’ of the family and this side gets shoved aside and ignored. Not sure why they decided to do anything this year but let’s just say it’s more of an insult than an attempt.

Bear has decided He/we are not going! :O

Up until this D/s, peri-menopause started i would have put myself out there, over worked and brought it all together myself and then paid for it dearly for weeks, or more, afterwards.

Now, He says if they are going to do nothing but insult than we’re not going. I say … okay!

I’m not just saying that, i really don’t have any stress over it, it’s His decision, He’s the Boss and He will tell me if we go or if we don’t. Of course once the change started, worrying about all the small stuff went out the window as well. LoL I used to be the ‘Martha Stewart’ of baking and occasions, now i do what i can and only for those who really are a good force in my life.

D/s or menopause? I don’t know, probably both! All i know is that it’s much better this way for us. Less stress!