The joys of Menopause, and sex!

The title is sarcastic, just in case there is any confusion. This has been a particularly tough month(s). My body has had just about enough torment with the nursing home ‘sleeping’, Rotti carrying and now trying to play catch up on my healing with work and the wonderful monthly cycle accompanied by menopause. In the words of a friend of mine “I’m one hot mess!”

I have always had a bad back and the monthly routine was always a bit sore and painful in my lower back, until things started and then within a day or so the back pain would subside and I would feel ‘normal’ again. My normal is much different then most I can assure you, but normal for me none the less.

The last few years have been a roller coaster of good months and then some very bad months, at times simply trying to stand straight or walk is a huge problem, or sitting for that matter! Basically pain all day every day for months on end. So now you have some back ground …

This month with all the other physical issues my lower back has been seriously affected. I normally get some spotting on and off for a week before anything starts and some seriously heavy pain in my lower back to accompany it. When the spotting stops, the pain lessens and so on … normally lasts a few hours off and on for a few days then we’re good for a week til things start …. then rinse and repeat! lol

Well we do normally get to play in between and nothing major happens, I take a little bit of time to relax those abdominal muscles, ease into it if you will and once things get going all is well … but not this time! Sir and I were in the middle of some intimate time and then all of a sudden it felt like I just got knifed, from the inside, right where He was … if you get my drift. I screamed out, not in a good way and ended up scratching Him quite severely due to the pain, I was in tears and I am not one to cry.

The pain did subside but needless to say the mood was pretty much shot and well it was time for bed by then ….

The day/evening had been a bit of a confusing time for me not quite understanding what Sir wanted/needed from me and I think (hope) if I had had more time to get into the ‘mood’ it might not have been quite so serious. Sir gets His idea in His head as to how He wants the evening to go and that’s great but with no warning, or ‘seduction’ or any sort of communication of wants and needs it can sometimes be hard for me to switch gears so quickly.

Moral of the story, I unfortunately don’t come with an on/off switch Sir …. and I think sometimes you think you are being obvious but you are not, not to me anyway. I don’t want or need for you to give away all your secret plans but a few minutes of teasing or flirting or just plain ‘giving orders’ would be a great way to get me turned on and waiting, and hopefully make these physical issues less of a problem.

I hope this isn’t too confusing ….

Love You Sir ❤

 

Confidence and Age = Sexy

I’ve always been very strange in this thought I know …. probably because of my history but I have never once thought that I would like to be young again, I have never once wished for the good old days ….

Now I know when you are little you always wish to be bigger so you can just stay up a few more minutes, or you can just play with a few more ‘big’ toys or you can just have a bit more freedom, etc. etc. …. I did all that too, but it never stopped for me!

When I was a teen (very young teen) I wanted to be old enough to move out on my own, when I was in my 20’s and married and babies I couldn’t wait to be 30, that’s when I would no longer be pregnant, no longer be nursing and my body would be my own again. When I was in my 30’s I couldn’t wait for 40, the kids are bigger, self-sufficient and I have more time to play in life. I can read (love it), I started writing, I can’t decorate cakes like I used to because of my carpal tunnel and tendonitis but I can bake, and I love to experiment with my cooking! I get to have dogs again because I have time to walk them and train them and I can start to take care of just me again!

Don’t get me wrong, my life has been great since my twenties and there is nothing really there I would want to change or do over (0 to 20 is a different story but I wouldn’t anyway because my experiences have made me who I am and I’m very happy with who I am) but I am not afraid of getting older and I am not worried about what I used to look like.

Every year I get more confident and happy in my own skin and every year I get sexier and sexier …. Sex appeal is just as much about confidence and attitude as anything else.

Not me, not yet anyway! 😉

So now in my 40’s I am eagerly awaiting 50! The boys will be away at school, maybe working by then and I should be semi retired by then if not completely. I will have plenty of time for me, and lots of story book kinky fun times with Sir! By then there might not be many other responsibilities and all sorts of time to dedicate to Him ….

Perspective, getting older is awesome! 😀

Can’t change it anyway, might as well be happy about it, don’t you think?

Love You Sir ❤

 

Good Morning Sir, Happy Tuesday!

I’d say there isn’t much on my mind but then I’m going to end up writing an entire post so I’m not going to say that, this time! lol If these are when I don’t have much on my mind I can’t imagine how long it would be if I did!

I didn’t have a great sleep last night, the night sweats (hot flashes) are back again I think. I’ve been noticing more and more awake hours and I’m uncomfortably hot! I guess they are here to stay for now. Can you please move the fan back up to the dresser Sir? It always helps to alleviate the issue …  the kids were up all hours again too, so the hall light was also an issue.

So here’s to a quick work day, seeing my guy, and curling up …. with any luck you will still have some energy at the end of the day! *wink wink*

I must be going through some more changes because I’m feeling like I’m ‘dropping’ and fighting off the grumpies more often than I would like Sir ….

Love You Always ❤

 

Out of Sorts, sort of ….

I’m not really sure what to say or how to write this out, its been on my mind a few days now. The problem is I’m not sure how much of it is just in my head and how much of it is just one of those things that my body is doing right now so I just kind of need to deal with it and move on!

Writing it down always seems to make it come together for me, so I guess here goes nothing ….

I’ve discovered that I’m having a really hard time getting turned on lately. Or more so, I get turned on but it kind of stalls? Most of the sexual actions in any of the main erogenous zones are just not working …. it just starts off good but then quickly turns to frustration (thinking okay any time now) and then irritation (both mental and physical) to the point where it is simply just not happening . If I do make it to orgasm, which I always seem to some how or another – but it’s not as intense, not as fulfilling? Not sure what the word is here …

(I know you’re thinking, you just said it wasn’t working and now you’re talking about it’s not as good …. well I have different ‘degrees’ of orgasm I guess you could say for a lack of better way to put it. Lately everything has been hard to come by … LOL)

As I sit here writing it I can already start to decipher the problem, or so I think, at this point it’s just a hypothesis. Most of our encounters lately have been assertive, rough, but in my opinion somewhat ‘vanilla’ in the sense that you have dominated in the bedroom but it has been very one-sided lately, pretty much every time.

There hasn’t been much communication about what I need lately and I have not felt like you needed my body to make you sane … like you had to have every inch of me, that you wanted to consume me, body and soul. I haven’t felt like your life source in the bedroom, it’s felt very wham bamm. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that method, I quite enjoy it also, but I am missing the deeper connection that comes first, the one that takes it from rough vanilla to all-consuming D/s. The one I crave to have with you …. that one that makes me feel like you can’t get enough of me and need to force yourself away from my very soul in order to breathe. That one  …..

When our connection is strong the very feeling of your breath on my neck will bring me to my knees, I want that back but I need your time and effort in order to get it.

My life has been exceptionally stressful lately (nothing that needs to go on this site) but even though I’m not showing any other signs, I think this is how I am currently dealing with the stress … I don’t want to be numb.  You can’t fix what’s going on around me, I know that, but you can help tear me down so that I can find myself again, you can help me find my connection to you Sir.

I need a brain vacation, from everything but you …. I would like you to find and touch all of me, please Sir?

Love You Always Sir ❤

 

Calling all readers …..

If you’re standing on the outside and looking in and you have a question or just a curiosity feel free to email me and ask. I will try my best to give you my take on whatever it is!

Sir does not ask for specific posts He just likes to know what’s on my mind but I’m finding that I have less and less to worry about or ask for and more free time with nothing to write about! I will not go into specifics about my sex life but I can explain any of the mechanics if that is your question…. related to menopause, or bruising, or whatever!

73nijntje@gmail.com

(or set up a chat)

 

Some days …..

Some days I just don’t like the way I look or how I feel. I’m not sure if it’s part of the chemicals of menopause, changing my body, making me feel awkward and making me think I look fat. I know it normally happens close to my cycle so I’m guessing it’s partially that and partially hormonal.

What ever it is seems to make me nit pick and be unhappy with just about every single bit of myself ….

I try to look at myself realistically and not stress the small stuff but some days it just seems to get away from me, just lingering in the back of my mind. Not anything overwhelming or unbearable, just annoying!

Today happens to be one of those days and it’s worse because I know I haven’t been able to do the basic exercises that I’m used to for some time now. Not on a regular basis anyway, so I was already fighting off some body image issues.

Looking at myself through Sir’s eyes always helps to ease the doubtful monster that lies within. I’m glad you have decided to start ‘using me’ for your pleasure when you see fit Sir! It only shows me that I am desirable and I do look good!

I know the outwardly appearance is that I am serving you, but this submissive thing has a lot of self-serving qualities too! 😉

Who says you can’t have it all!

Love You Sir ❤

Humm, what to write …

I’m not really sure there is much on my mind lately that needs to be put into a post. I have ideas and suggestions I guess for anyone looking for information on what we do and how we live and interact but I personally don’t have anything I need addressed Sir.

Ever since menopause I’ve been nothing but a ‘horny teenager’ so I could always say ‘more please’! LOL But that’s not really worthy of a post or discussion is it? Short of retirement (and an empty nest) the only thing we can do more of right now is waiting!! UGH!

I am eagerly waiting for the weekend as usual and hoping my body co-operates. I am getting a bit squirrely but that happens every time I get close to my cycle so no surprise there either! I think I get more focused on how much we play this week because I have this looming feeling that we won’t be able to do whatever we want soon, so that sometimes makes me have to fight the grumpies. A good spanking always cures that …..

I have noticed how much DOM has become a part of you in every situation and every minute no matter where we find ourselves. That is even more satisfying then I would have thought. I hadn’t realized just how being so strong for so long was really and truly exhausting me …..

Love You Sir Always ❤

Pain, lack of sleep and a bad mood! Menopause …. and D/s

Sometimes on this journey into ‘maturity’ (we’ll call it) it can be exceedingly difficult to remain in good spirits and maintain a good attitude towards things. Menopause has a way of bringing things together to test even the most patient and optimistic of us. I think the two biggest mood busters are going to be chronic pain and lack of sleep.

(There are many options available through your doctor, do look into them if you find your life getting away from you.)

Both of these culprits make your judgement jaded and your spirits feel broken at times. It’s not enough that the pain is never ending but then you don’t even have the energy resources to hope to have a prayer in dealing with it day after day after day!

As a submissive you throw in these expectations, both your dominant’s but let’s be honest, also yours! Normally we put much stricter expectations on ourselves, and sometimes simply unrealistic ones. Most of us fall into the ‘over achiever with a side of go getter’ when it comes to our job, home and spouse. We don’t give ourselves a break and we give absolutely no slack. Enter Sir ….

For me anyway I think this was one of the big things I got from serving as a submissive. In my view, part of my job is to be open and honest about how I’m feeling and what I need. I feel that if I hold back or cover up my pain or general malaise then I am not fulfilling my role as His submissive. I am not allowing Him to make choices for me based on all the information available and all the information required for a proper dominant decision to be made …. I would in effect be lying to my dominant.

So ….. having had to go through this on a few occasions I have come to a place where I understand that it’s OKAY to take some time out. It’s OKAY to slow down and take care of me for a change, or just stop taking care of everything else for a little bit, and heal.

When I didn’t want to stop and was pushing myself too far Sir would make me stop, He decided what was appropriate and what was not and I listened! Now I’m at the stage that I know He wants me to take care of me and that I need to stop BEFORE I do damage, before I just hurt for no good reason …. physical or mental, it’s all the same. It all needs to stop …

It’s not that I didn’t know or understand any of this before, I just didn’t give myself permission to take care of me before. Sir says I have to, I have His permission to put me first in this, I have His strength. He makes me worth it ….. 

I may have gotten to this point without being His submissive, let’s be honest, I would have, but I would have remained closed off and alone. I would have eventually decided that enough was enough but I would have done it alone and I would have stayed alone ….

Coming to Sir when I’m not at my best is one of the most difficult things I have to do, but it is also one of the most rewarding and healing things that I have ever done.

One more reason menopause has helped my D/s ….. one more reason they are very much related. And if you are not in a relationship or D/s relationship …. you still can give yourself a break. Maybe you don’t have a Sir but you likely have a friend or a sister or a spouse that tells you to take care of you and take a break. They are right …..

Love You Sir ❤

 

Happy Monday! Just ignore the rain … !

Well Monday again, back to the grind of work and responsibility that tends to take all your time and half your energy.

I had a wonderful weekend with you Sir full of play and other productive activities! XD I’m going to have to say that the play was by far my favourite but I can’t deny that the gardens are starting to look quite nice … ! Maybe we could get a gardening slave boy/girl??? Yes ..?!?!

Umm, let’s see things I have learned/remembered this weekend:

  • I need to speak up a bit more and remember that you want me to tell you straight up instead of hinting and waiting.
  • You like a cheeky/naughty bunny testing your patience (as long as it is all in play and with permission)
  • I’m very peaceful when I’m completely lost in you and I hadn’t realized how far I had drifted from that spot – I’m focusing on staying there this time

I think that’s about it for today, I’m feeling a bit sore in my lower back and hips. Anything I have to do today requires that part of me to be supported because it just can’t support itself, just fyi for anything you might require of me today.

Just one of those days I guess …. hoping for a better tomorrow. Mentally I’m feeling pretty good and looking forward to your arrival!

Love You Sir Always ❤

 

 

Wishful thinking?

I’ve been thinking more and more recently about getting back into some running. Now I was never a marathon runner or anything like that, truth be told I had just gotten into the idea of running and really started enjoying it before I had to abruptly stop doing it!

I had finally stopped smoking and was ready to start looking at other ways to stay active, healthy and give me my much needed release/relaxation time that my mind needed without interruption. Running seemed like a perfect way to accomplish both and I must admit I was really starting to enjoy the time! It was like yoga without the religious aspects that some instructors throw at you …. I wanted to be centered, not dwell on religious beliefs at that particular time!

Anyway, flash forward and menoBeast steps in! It got to the point that I couldn’t run for very long before leaking! Oh yeah, isn’t that calming and relaxing when you need to worry with every step that it is going to start, and once it does there is no stopping it except to stop running. Enter embarrassment and frustration and hanging up of the proverbial towel!

Well it’s been about 2 years since I have bothered to try again and I was thinking maybe I should give it another try. The issue seems to have resolved it self in other aspects of life (sneezing, dancing etc.) so perhaps it would be safe to try again here too? Obviously you don’t just start running all out from ‘cold turkey’ quitting so the slow buildup and tolerance training might work? Anyone out there have any suggestions or information on this one? I’d love to get a heads up ….

These pants are NOT made for diapers!  😛 

I don’t want to rely on just impact play to be able to de-stress, I don’t think that’s a very wise or healthy way of being. Something that can be done at anytime without much equipment or preparation I think is a wise option for a busy, working mother of two with a Sir at home! 😉 The health benefits are certainly there both physically and mentally for me … now I just need to figure out how to go about it without the wet walk of shame back home! 😛

Love You Sir ❤