Living and Loving Honestly

Some fantasies have thorns ….

Whatever kinky play you decide to get into just remember – your emotions couldn’t care less about what you pretend you’re doing or what new name you’ve decided to give it. At the end of the day, the action speaks for itself … and it speaks volumes to you and your Dominant.

Put the kinky ideals and labels aside – do you still like that thought?

Love You Sir   ❤


No Orgasm please.

I know, I know, some of you out there are thinking what?!?! Why would I post something like that, what in the world could I be thinking? Well the truth is that sometimes I really don’t want one … at least not right then! ;D

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Part of my submission, part of what makes me feel good and fulfilled is being able to be there for Sir. One of these such ways is sexually of course, we are mature, responsible adults in a committed relationship, why would that not be an option?

Besides being there sexually though, sometimes I want to show that I am there JUST for Him, and only His needs not mine. I don’t think that idea is uncommon in this type of relationship, the idea that the dominant gets to take for His/Her pleasure alone but it’s more than that sometimes …. It becomes what I need at times, what I’m craving to provide even if He is not at that moment taking.

Now mind you my view might be different if my situation was different I grant you that. My Sir is extremely generous with allowing me pleasure so it’s not like I would be suffering over this in any way. I certainly get my share of orgasms … (and this is in no way a complaint Sir!!!)

I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes I get so lost in the act of being there for and giving to my Sir that the last thing I am looking for or needing is my own release. Not being allowed to do this for Him and Him only sometimes feels like I have let something really wonderful slip away. I want to show Him my devotion and need to serve in a very physical way that leaves my other needs completely out of it, but alas sometimes Sir has other plans for me. Again, not a complaint just a statement. I very much enjoy doing ‘that’ too.

It’s the giving of that part of myself to Him and ONLY Him with no expectation in return that makes me feel like I can finally show Him just the depth of my submission and my devotion to Him, and to us. In my mind there is nothing more intimate or more personal and that is what I want to give and share with Sir. It’s the deepest, truest and most vulnerable part of me physically depicted with no expectation in return, it’s simply offered as a representation of my feelings of love, trust and devotion.

In case anyone was ever curious, it is also why I don’t write about our sex life in any detail. That type of intimacy to me is reserved for only one.

Love You Always Sir ❤

Climbing the Wall

All fixed … well as all fixed as things can be so quickly when it comes to your mind and your insecurities I suppose.

Sir was not unaware of the problem immediately, He just didn’t know what exactly it was … and I was in the middle of my work day so a deep heart to heart right then was obviously not going to happen, It just was not possible …

The ‘issue’ of course was nothing more than a misunderstanding but I find that my submissive self is so exposed that once something ‘hits’ it is felt deeply, even if my mind knows there is a mistake, the heart takes over and my feelings get hurt. Really hurt, which is what my warrior personality keeps me from in the outside world. With Sir however there is no armor and therefore no rationalization and no defense when it comes to my feelings.

Sir knows this, He knows me well but sometimes things strike that even I am caught off guard by or completely surprised with. If I didn’t know than obviously He had no way of knowing but that doesn’t change the feelings of it unfortunately. The mind knows but the heart does what it will I’m afraid.

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The hurt in this case came from a comment/joke that was made just in jest but it hit close to home … so I asked for clarification but my angst was not perceived and therefore the joke repeated. I asked once more because the joke was eluding to the exact opposite of what Sir had just the day before told me was one of the best parts of our dynamic lately … but with everything else going on I guess He just didn’t see it and therefor the joke was maintained, until of course my eyes started to well up …

His demeanor quickly changed from joking to concern but by then my heart was already hurt and my walls were threatening to raise once more. The timing was such as I have already explained and so I had to steel myself to maintain my composure and so my heart followed suit. Anger followed as a defense against hurt, I couldn’t bring myself to look at Him than and so I carried on with my work. (We are not alone so there is no chance in not being noticed.)

Finally by the evening hours when we were able to talk this whole situation was understood by both of us but the joke itself had brought back hurt feeling/walling up for me from 15 years ago. Just these past 3 weeks with my deeper embracing of my submission I had finally started to let that go and finally let every single last wall crumble, until the joke.

So what was it? Well basically my thoughts and feelings and every single uncensored thought, always … about everything but mostly about Sir. The joke was meant as a very vanilla joke about men fearing/hating to have to talk to their wives, basically preferring that they didn’t say so much. Well that is the exact opposite of what I have been doing but it does hit on what Sir more or less said to me 15 years ago, and why I started to take care of me and everything else for Him back then. Now don’t get me wrong it wasn’t cruel or anything like that but it was young and busy and two newly weds trying to figure out how to live in the real world and not be heartbroken every time we had to work, so the short and long of it was sounding something like that.

I stopped telling Him I missed Him, I stopped saying I wished He could stay home with me, and I stopped saying I would prefer to spend the entire day in His arms because I didn’t want Him to feel bad or sad or guilty. I stopped talking.

Sir can handle all this emotion now without feeling guilty or sad, He takes it where it’s coming from and He knows I didn’t/don’t expect Him to stay home from work, I just want to know that He would like that too, that’s all! But when He made the joke about me not talking so much, well all this other stuff came up with dukes ready … I know He didn’t mean it that way, but unfortunately all that ‘programming’ doesn’t just get told to leave.

So now I am still trying to be completely open, and honest and real … uncensored – but it’s work now. I have to think and try once more to get back to something that had become natural and well honestly finally a comfort to really and truly be myself once more.

He didn’t mean it, but it happened. I’m not going to let it stop me but I do think it’s worth noting. We have hiccups along the way too but we don’t break from our dynamic we count on it more. I didn’t stop being His, I showed Him my hurt and He didn’t run away, He picked me up and is now carrying me until I can put my feet back down again.

Feelings might not be rational, but they are real and so they are valid.

Love You Always Sir ❤




Today’s ‘Shower Talk’ – Habits

Shower talk is what I decided to call things that occur to me when I’m performing other tasks, like taking a shower. Some are my random thoughts and some are not so random. So here goes …

When I wanted to break the smoking habit I looked at triggers that made me want to smoke and stayed away from them. I found other areas to be around instead of areas with smokers and I cut out (or tried to) breaks with smoking friends.

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I looked for good habits to replace the bad one and to be sure to fill the extra time! They say you never truly break a habit, you simply replace it with a different one … I think that rings true for most of us.

Anyway, to the point of this post, what I didn’t do was go hang out at the cigar bar with an old smoking buddy and try to fool myself into thinking I would be okay, and that my new-found reason and good habits would be sustained!

Just food for thought …. BTW I have been smoke free 3 1/2 years now! 😀

Love You Sir ❤



Reason and rituals …. the puzzle complete!

Recently I have had just a little bit more time on my hands. This has allowed for a bit more web surfing and I’m finding a couple of sites to follow, a couple of sites to check back on and just reading up on the point of view of others. Slowly but surely some pieces of the bigger puzzle are coming together for me …

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I’ve never been overly needy and I have more than enough patience to go around. I’m not one to shy away from issues that need to be taken care of and through patience and love from Sir I have become quite comfortable telling Him what I think and need. I’m very good at taking care of myself (most of the time) and really don’t dwell on what I wish I had, I’m more of an in the moment and finding the good type person ….

So sometimes things that would really be helpful to me/us are simply not on my radar because I don’t really realize that they are not being used to the fullest potential in the first place. One of these such things are rituals or tasks set out by the dominant simply to have the submissive follow through and be reminded of who calls the shots.

These things don’t need to be elaborate or time-consuming even, just specific and directed by the dominant. Let’s face it, not all of us have an entire day to dedicate to performing kinky or ritualistic tasks just for the sake of performing them …. It’s just not feasible.

Many times I think the tasks are set out in a kinky/sexual nature which makes sense to me because first they are not a punishment and shouldn’t feel burdensome or bad (I don’t think) and secondly most of them involve some sort of personal, intrusive act which certainly heightens the feeling of being taken and submissiveness. I don’t think these are the only tasks used or that should be used, I just think that they are some of the most effective in a short period of time.

Other tasks that are very effective are ones that require the submissive to be stripped naked adding to a sense of vulnerable exposure, even when alone. Basically anything that is just outside of your comfort zone and would be considered personal is likely going to go a long way in affecting your mindset once you get yourself into position and start thinking about what you are doing and who for.

Another key aspect of these tasks is that they need to be specifically called for by the dominant in order to have the greatest impact on the mind. I constantly perform tasks (that are not kinky) that are specifically to please Sir but I don’t feel that they have the same depth of submissive mindset as the times He specifically asks for them to be done.

I think this just turned into a very long-winded way of saying that when I read about submissives wishing and hoping for more rules,rituals and structure what they are saying is that they wish to feel something more directly connected to their dominant. They want to feel the soft, calm and complete feeling of belonging they get when they are following instructions and being ‘good’.

I don’t think we want to guess and be unsure, we want to know it pleases you, and that you are paying attention, and that you do care and it does matter … we matter. Tasks that bring our minds into focus allow us to feel a connection with you, even when you are not here, even when we are not playing, even when life is crazy … We don’t want to feel we have decided, we want to feel you have!

As a dominant you have the ability to take and assert yourself whenever you feel the need to connect to your dominant energy, but as a submissive we either wait patiently, or we need to speak up, which in a lot of cases starts to feel like we’re not actually following, not submitting. (I’m not saying that’s true, it’s just what it can feel like at times.) Especially when we are already feeling the need for connection.

I guess what I’m thinking is that perhaps as a dominant you might not feel the need for small tasks and rituals as often because you can have your connection when you want/need it … but as a submissive I think the need might be just a bit greater, and maybe kinky tasks aren’t just a matter of sex drive and training after all ….

The more intrusive/risqué the more vulnerable, and the more vulnerable the more submissive making … but any task specifically asked for will further our connection to our submissive self, or so I think ….

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I’m always secure in my connection with you Sir but I won’t deny that the times you leave tasks to accomplish make me more mindful and connected than ever.

It’s similar to the feelings brought out through BDSM only on a different scale, for me anyway.

Love You Always Sir ❤

His From the Beginning

In the 21 years that we have been together I think I have been to the grocery store less than a handful of times by myself, and I have gone pretty much every week. Sir always drives ….

In 21 years I have slept by myself twice, a couple of years a ago Sir told me to go on a trip away with a friend, we were gone 2 nights. He knew I needed the time for a variety of reasons, too many and too much to go into detail but He did and so I went. The twice includes the nights at the hospital when having the boys, He stayed with me both times …. the first time I was stuck in the hospital longer due to complications, He still stayed.

Promotions have been turned down for family, we have plenty of time to be away when the boys are bigger and no longer at home. It has even been discussed that if His job still wants Him overseas then I will simply quit mine and go along …

We have sat together for dinner every single night in the past 15 years outside of illness. Shift work used to be a problem but it has been straight days and Monday to Friday almost exclusively for 15 years and counting. If working a weekend was not avoidable we were always home for dinner.

One never goes out without the other, if family or friends see us alone they know that something is ‘wrong’. We go for a walk together almost every night weather and health permitting.

I don’t ever remember going anywhere or doing anything without first asking Him what He thought and if it was okay. I have cooked supper pretty much every day we have been together unless we decided together to go somewhere or order in, unless Sir decided on His own He wanted something different.

We have always talked about everything and made every decision together, Sir has always had final say, even if He didn’t realize it. I have never bought anything without His knowing and before D/s I would actually buy less, He didn’t realize I was waiting on approval. (Neither did I, in a real sense.)

Outside of the menopausal/breakdown-ish time of about 6 months in our lives when my mind was just a bit crazy and Sir was so distant, I have never yelled, been angry or been rude to my husband, I had never disregarded His wishes and I had never, or have never since, not thought of Him first. (I yelled at Him once …. )

I remember distinctly my first and only time when my mind said ‘I wonder what He would like, you know what, I don’t care … it was the lowest low for me and I was almost physically sick with the realization. It was just weeks before bringing this idea to Him because that’s when I knew something was off for me. And that’s when I knew something had to change …. so I researched, tried to figure out what was going wrong and why we were drifting apart.

Some where in my ‘travels’ I realized that He didn’t think I needed Him, that He didn’t think He was important, D/s makes Him know the truth.

I don’t know what you want to call what we were before, to me the only real change is that now we have a ‘name’ and Sir can be certain because we also have some symbols to prove it and serve as a reminder.

He has always been Him and I have always been me with Him …. You might say we have been lucky, I say we have choosen wisely, prioritized …..

Love You Sir ❤



Confidence and Age = Sexy

I’ve always been very strange in this thought I know …. probably because of my history but I have never once thought that I would like to be young again, I have never once wished for the good old days ….

Now I know when you are little you always wish to be bigger so you can just stay up a few more minutes, or you can just play with a few more ‘big’ toys or you can just have a bit more freedom, etc. etc. …. I did all that too, but it never stopped for me!

When I was a teen (very young teen) I wanted to be old enough to move out on my own, when I was in my 20’s and married and babies I couldn’t wait to be 30, that’s when I would no longer be pregnant, no longer be nursing and my body would be my own again. When I was in my 30’s I couldn’t wait for 40, the kids are bigger, self-sufficient and I have more time to play in life. I can read (love it), I started writing, I can’t decorate cakes like I used to because of my carpal tunnel and tendonitis but I can bake, and I love to experiment with my cooking! I get to have dogs again because I have time to walk them and train them and I can start to take care of just me again!

Don’t get me wrong, my life has been great since my twenties and there is nothing really there I would want to change or do over (0 to 20 is a different story but I wouldn’t anyway because my experiences have made me who I am and I’m very happy with who I am) but I am not afraid of getting older and I am not worried about what I used to look like.

Every year I get more confident and happy in my own skin and every year I get sexier and sexier …. Sex appeal is just as much about confidence and attitude as anything else.

Not me, not yet anyway! 😉

So now in my 40’s I am eagerly awaiting 50! The boys will be away at school, maybe working by then and I should be semi retired by then if not completely. I will have plenty of time for me, and lots of story book kinky fun times with Sir! By then there might not be many other responsibilities and all sorts of time to dedicate to Him ….

Perspective, getting older is awesome! 😀

Can’t change it anyway, might as well be happy about it, don’t you think?

Love You Sir ❤


Because He knows …

Rules, I haven’t got many of them really. I have some but outside of kinky ones the rest are really few and far between. I think the reason I don’t have many rules is because my Sir already knows that I respect Him and will obey, no question, no complaint.

The idea of rules I think (in any situation, not kink) is to keep you from straying, to keep you safe and to teach you right from wrong …. so if you are already doing all these things anyway, what rules can there possibly be to add?

Our rules are more in the ‘spirit of’ than the ‘letter of the law’ … I know that Sir does not want me hurt (kink aside) so if following through would cause harm (physical or emotional) then the rule is put aside until such time as He can be made aware and make a decision. Rule # 1 is to protect nijntje, if I’m an @ss about that to follow some rule, well then I WOULD be in trouble! The spirit of, He knows if it was an honest concern or just an ‘I can’t be bothered right now’.  There is a big difference …..

I would get in trouble for doing too much, not the other way around …. any of you who are like me know just how hard it is to stop. This is probably the truest and biggest rule I have, and the hardest one to follow …. but at the end of the day it’s also the most fulfilling because not only do I get to please Sir, I also learn that I am worth while caring for.

So there might not be many, but they sure can be challenging!!!

Love You Sir ❤