Lost

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been feeling a bit lost in my day to day. I mean I feel like I’m wandering through the day instead of living with purpose.

Obviously I have a purpose when it comes to my son and all the appointments, medications, physical and mental health needs etc. I feel rather more of a nurse lately than anything else. Well a mom of course, that never goes away …. I’ve also just started working again – babysitting basically for before and after school kids here in my neighbourhood. That is a nice change from the last 5 months but I’m not sure how long before I need to take a break again.

We had a video conference with W’s doctor on Tuesday and it seems that nothing we have tried so far has been able to clear the cancer from his brain/spinal fluid so we need to try something new! I’m relieved that there are options, or at least we think so, he’s gotten a referral but we haven’t heard back as to whether or not he has been accepted. However, this option would have us once again in hospital for an extended period of time.

I’m not sure if it’s an inpatient treatment or outpatient but this hospital is in our province’s capital and over 4 hrs away! As such I find myself preparing for the mental focus and strength to be away from home again, possibly have to advocate for the right to stay by his side so that he doesn’t have panic attacks and refuses treatment and to be on our own this time because there is no way Bear can travel back and forth 9hrs per day! It just wouldn’t make sense. We might be able to get him accommodations but we might not.

As a ‘planner’ it really makes me unsettled to have so many questions and no way of receiving answers.

As a submissive it makes me ‘lost’ to have no real set of kinky rules or rituals to adhere to. No set list of chores to be of service. No real intentional dynamic to concentrate on. We keep trying but every effort is interrupted by bad news and new directions, medically speaking. My own physical health has also been an issue ……

Now, I’m not complaining about having to support my child, I think anyone in the community would know that that’s not an issue, it’s just the gap that it leaves behind in my D/s life is felt! We had moved in the direction of a Master/slave dynamic as well which for us was more intentional and powerful (!?!?) feeling, Not sure how to describe it but to say that it’s more intense for more hours of every day. We haven’t moved away from Bear and bunny or any other aspect of our dynamic we simply added on to it. I’ll have a whole other post on that if I want to explain it properly! lol

I’ll leave you with my inspiration for making the move in this direction:

It’s true that I have very rarely ever been punished for anything and I think this quote fits my way of being very accurately. I don’t do things worth being punished for because my intention with Him is always to please.

Anyhow, I hope you are all having a great day and I hope to be back soon with news. For now we wait to hear about the referral and try to piece together any fragments of our kinky lives that ‘life’ hasn’t put on hold!

Twists and Turns

For someone who likes to write, I find myself rather ‘not’ that person lately. Okay maybe it started a bit further back but I had set my mind on changing that until …..

Despite having a couple of blog sites I really do tend to be the ‘strong, silent’ type in most things. I keep to myself and have very little pull to tell or talk to anyone about anything. This is apparently no different with this issue.

I think my lack of interest is magnified by the way people in general tend to read what they want into what you’ve written and spend very little time actually ‘listening’ and pondering the words of another and what the meaning may be in that person’s circumstance, instead of in their own.

Anyway …

I can’t remember where I left off and I have no want to revisit past posts so I’ll start from what I think I remember – bear with me. I haven’t updated anyone in real life either, so don’t feel bad.

W was let out of hospital Dec 23rd, home we came with the promise of better things. His spinal fluid looked clear and we hoped he was cancer free. In January we started twice weekly trips to hospital (about 1 1/2 hours away) for lumbar punctures to both test fluids and give chemo. January 25th, after weeks of trying the cancer seemed to be back.

Last Tuesday, Feb 8th we had to start radiation treatment on the brain and spinal cord. We had done all we could to avoid it because he is only 19 and not done with brain development, we hoped to not chance any damage. Unfortunately it became clear that we had no choice.

W has 13 treatments until Feb 25th and then back to hematology for what I assume will be results from radiation and a new course of chemo once more. Fingers crossed we finally get the all clear …. again.

In March we also have a specialist appointment with neurology, W has what they call tortuosity in his brain. Because Leukemia, anxiety and panic disorder and PTSD thanks to abuse from a grade 9 teacher ….. aren’t enough for the poor kid to deal with. Oh and diabetes, did I mention his blood sugars are all over the charts when he is on steroids to help manage chemo symptoms? *sigh*

So I think we’re up to date now, I’m sure I’ve missed something but that’s the Cole’s Notes of it. I should be on the other blog since this is anxiety, illness and coping related but since I haven’t even broached the subject there – well I just don’t have the energy to worry about starting yet!

Even when we’re low-key

My life might not be all kink and BDSM right now but it is still ‘us’. Coming back here and reconnecting with old friends, and some new, has reminded me of that.

What I like about having a Bear around is that I have the privilege of saying ‘i can’t right now. i need you to do it …’.

I have never in my life depended on, or trusted, anyone else with my needs, my wants, my anything. Once we added D/s to our lives that truly changed for me. I had already picked him, obviously because we had been married 15 years by that time. Life and stress had started taking its toll and we needed a change, we needed to reconnect. D/s did that.

So … we might not be all whips and chains right now but we are ‘WE’. And I still have someone I can go to when I – JUST – CAN’T – right now.

Tomorrow is a busy day, back to the hospital for treatment for W and standing by him in support for me. It’s the first time we are doing this as out patient and I’m not looking forward to trying to find my way around! LoL I’m pretty good at getting ‘turned around’ and not so great at find the right hall to go down or the right door to enter. That’s normally a ‘Bear problem’ but covid means only one of us can accompany W. Directions are not my forte, but being his mental health support system is.

Wish me luck! *smirk* Happy Thursday, friends. ❤

We’re home, well sort of …

We came home from the hospital on the 23rd, I’m glad to say that W is in remission. We have about 2 1/2 years of treatment ahead of us but all signs point to a full recovery!

I’m having a hard time wanting to write here but I figured since I started this story I owe you all at least some closure. I have yet to open my business up again, I have too many trips back and forth to the hospital ahead and the days and times would just not work with hospital appointments and the like. Not in my line of work anyway.

Bear has been the chauffer! LoL and the go-fer, personal shopper etc., etc. He needs something ‘to do’ in order to cope and I need him ‘to do’ in order for me to cope! *smiles* I guess we’re perfectly paired.

I slept at the hospital for 5 weeks, he travelled back and forth 2hrs each way daily for the last 4. Hospital food was not up to what W wanted so he made daily dinner runs as well! *chuckle* At least the kid kept eating …. that was a huge factor in helping him recover so we’re not complaining.

I miss my dynamic, or at least the pull or want for one but I can’t say my head is anywhere near that right now. It’s just not. We haven’t been intimate since before this all started, not sexually anyway, and I can’t say I’m much missing that right now either. I miss the idea of it occasionally but the thought of actually doing something about it is not enticing.

What does that mean? I don’t know, not very interested in that right now either! lol

My physical health has suffered, there is no doubt there, and my pain levels and hEDS flare(s) have been enough of a strain on my mind to keep everything else, except for W’s recovery, a hazy far off cloud. Will Bear and bunny come back around??

I don’t really have an answer for that, I know I have always put a lot of energy into keeping us ‘whole’ and I don’t have the reserves for that right now. I did have a dream that my ‘toys’ were all stolen and I was rather distraught. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m not ready to retire yet. Plus, I find myself here again too …. *shrug*

Anywho ….

Happy New Year, friends! ❤

An Update

I wanted to thank everyone who reached out and touched base with me to offer their support, well wishes and prayers. I’m short on time these days and so I hope this update will do the trick for now.

My youngest has severe anxiety that we have been trying to manage for about 6 years now. I have written at length on my other blog site. He has also been fighting some PTSD thanks to an a**hole of a teacher in 9th grade ….. *sigh* But that’s all elsewhere, the point is that due to those issues I have been sleeping in the hospital with him these past two weeks.

Bear and I both for the first week until they moved us to a much smaller room. I now sleep in a chair and Bear runs back and forth 2hrs each way to get things we need, laundry and take care of the house and dog. We have my oldest and family to help as well so we are blessed in that way.

So far we have found cancer in his spinal fluid so more treatment options were added. A brain bleed that we have had to manage but luckily no surgery, and his sugar has spiked making him ‘diabetic’ for a time. It has been managed with diet and some insulin but so far it’s looking like it will go away once the prednisone has run its course. Fingers crossed.

They have found some ‘twisted’ up veins in his brain that we are keeping a close eye on as well, it was found because he was having major headaches that just wouldn’t stop. One had ruptured, hence the bleed, but the others look stable. It will mean follow ups with the neuro surgeon for the foreseeable future. Better than not knowing I suppose.

So besides the sleeplessness, distance and obvious stressors ….. no, we are not kinking it up. We are still who we are and like what we like but for now all of that is just a slow simmer, a memory.

‘Bunny’ is on hold, ‘nijntje’ is on low reacting to any and all signs from Bear – and the warrior is back to take care of business.

As always, be well! ❤

Hello

Hi folks, sorry I’ve been away again. Kink has been on the backburner for a little while, more or less, so I haven’t had much to think on or write about.

My hEDS has been in a flare up for a while and it seems that I also suffer from MCAS – yay me! Basically I have been crazy sore, gaining bruises and swelling left and right and now having allergic reactions to EVERYTHING, including new and interesting kinks that we had decided to try and now I can’t have anything on my body or skin.

Pain play and impact play/BDSM are still hard to come by due to first privacy and secondly, my illness. I should see a doctor but mine seemingly knows nothing about this condition, at least not the last time I spoke to him over a year ago! *fumes* But that’s for another blog site ….

One month ago we also lost our German Shepherd, that was hard of course.

So I’m still here, we’re still here. Still trying to get on with life as are all of you too I’m sure. Crossing my fingers that this flare will end, or at least settle down enough that we can get some sort of energy to play! I’m trying not to focus on what has been missing and focusing instead on what (hopefully) lies ahead.

I haven’t really had any sexual appetite lately, I bet you can guess why that might be! LoL Not entirely sure what to do about that. *shrug*

Happy Friday my friends! Stay safe, stay kinky if you can too!

Understanding

With time and experience comes understanding I would say. I think I now understand the ebb and flow of it all, for us.

I’ve heard the terms over and over again of course, it’s a common theme if you search those who have been in the lifestyle and together for a long time, like we have. I’ve heard it but I don’t think I quite understood it in regards to our own relationship. I think I do now!

It’s not a failure, it’s not something to be worried over or stress about. It’s just a natural circumstance when you have a ‘real’ life and challenges out there to contend with as well as your BDSM dynamic.

That’s not to say it’s to be ignored, no I’m just suggesting that instead of internalizing it as a failure somehow, I choose to look at it as a pit stop, to take inventory of what I have in my submissive bank and what I need. Then to take steps to fill missing parts through diligence and intention. And most importantly – communication!

Things are looking good here for us, the kids seem to be on track and so are we. How are you all? I’m investing some time each week to post, it helps me to keep in the mindset I need to stay focused on my submission. What do you do to stay in the groove??

Happy Saturday, stay kinky! LoL

In need of a w[h]ine night!

It doesn’t happen often but I do sometimes miss the action and comradery of having a group of like minded people to talk to. In real time ….

I find it helps to keep motivated when it comes to kink and to my submissive journey. This solitary kinky existence leaves us both lacking in motivation and frankly, flat!

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Not really sure what to do about that. All past attempts at real time chat, and even pen pals, have fizzled out. My personal energies towards kink have also practically fizzled out. I tend to be the one with the imagination and spark to get things started and when I don’t, it doesn’t ….

Gets to be pretty tiresome I admit. It’s a personality thing with him I know but it would be nice if I wasn’t always the one who needed to add fuel to the proverbial fire.

That is all. 🙂

What a strange summer … and submissive mindfulness.

This summer break has been a really odd one for me. I think things have been odd for many people with the pandemic and all the changes that it has brought! But, that’s not what I’m talking about.

For me, this was to be a ‘back to normal’ summer. Normal in terms of time and holidays and having time to myself! Last summer I ended up having to work because the littles I take care of during the school year had no where to go if their parents were ‘essential’. Sure there were spaces for childcare made by the government but they were few and none here in our town!! :O So instead of taking my summer off I worked.

It was hell on my body and that didn’t help my submission either. By the time the day was done and everyday chores were done so was I! *chuckle* This year I took the summer for myself again.

It’s been a month and a half now and it feels like I haven’t started my holiday yet! Mentally and physically I just don’t feel ‘right’. I don’t feel rested, my body is still struggling to get back to my normal, I’m still not ‘well’. Even with all the distancing and the ‘hibernating’ in the house I still seem to catch a ‘bug’ more often than not. It’s not covid but it still hits me hard due to the hEDS I suppose. My immune system is just not up to the job!! I keep hoping that if I can finally get some rest and back to a regular exercise program I can get my health back ….. but I really don’t know if that will come true.

For now I’m trying to not get down mentally and to enjoy what few minutes I do get but I may be starting to lose that battle. The closer it gets to September and school once more the less I feel like I’m going to have my ‘summer break’ at all. It hasn’t helped our kinky dynamic either. We make plans and have rituals set up and then they need to be changed or stopped due to ‘life’ and illness.

I like to have rules and rituals set up, it helps me to get my mindset right where I like it. It seems to make things feel more real, more intense. When those are more suggestions than rules it gets harder for me to stay focused. It’s not impossible but it certainly is more work mentally!!

I keep going back to mindful submission when I notice that it’s more of a daydream than a settled feeling. I find that the key to my submission is allowing those thoughts and feelings to flow freely inside of me. I try to tap into that well of knowledge that I have gained over the years and I let those thoughts and feelings out.

When I adjust my outlook my perception of the things he does also changes. Domination and leadership doesn’t need to be harsh or loud, it can be understated and subtle. When I pay attention I notice his dominance coming through more, that feeds my submission and so it comes through to him, Then he again notices too … and the cycle continues.

I think that when my submissive thoughts and feelings are flowing freely his dominance is fed and so it too flows more strongly. The reverse is true for me as well. When we are in the heights of our dynamic it happens without notice. When things are a bit quieter for whatever the reason, it takes some effort to tap into but it’s still there.

Submission is a choice, it’s up to me to chose to let it flow. To continue the cycle …