Has my D/s dynamic been detrimental to myself and my mental fortitude?
I was never in ‘need’ of anything or anyone before, but these days I find that I feel an absence if he’s not there. If he’s not aware, if he just doesn’t get it ….
I’m an adult, I know that sometimes things go sideways, sometimes things need doing or sometimes people need time. I get that. But I never needed anything, outside of myself, ever!
Now that I’m dealing with Leukemia, relapse AND and stressed out Bear ….. not to mention mental health issues for W, and trying to find the right words to say so that they will just listen and not question when I say he requires a support person etc etc .
I find my down fall to be that I expect a certain response or at least concern from a certain Bear – and he does the opposite.
I get it, I do, it’s stressful for him too, of course!! But without D/s I wouldn’t have had this need.
Yes this is a BDSM D/s site, but I want to tell the truth of what it takes to be a submissive. For some of us it’s like we’ve given away our super powers. Is it worth it?
nijntje & The Bear 
You’ve not given away your super power. Look at this:
“Now that I’m dealing with Leukemia, relapse AND and stressed out Bear ….. not to mention mental health issues for W, and trying to find the right words to say so that they will just listen and not question when I say he requires a support person etc etc .”
Submissive or jot, you’re human first. And this is A LOT!!! You’ve said before that bear is the only person you will lean into, perhaps while he is strugling too you could lean into some of his standard demands as your dominant, to feel his strength even though he (probably) needs a little holding for a while too. I’m sorry you are both struggling. Sending warm wishes across the miles x
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks, friend ❤ You're right in what you suggest and if I'm honest I guess that is what I do/what we do, we lean in. Sometimes though I just need to let the 'crazy' out of my head, seems you all get to be the lucky recipients!
This new treatment could cure him, but it could also kill him. I haven't said that out loud and it's the first time I'm writing it as well. At every turn they say 'it's a very low risk' and at every turn it seems that the road we end up on …. It's giving me a sinking feeling that I try to push away. I focus on the positive but DAMN someone please make it stop! *sigh*
LikeLike
I’m always happy to be a recipient. We all need to let it out sometimes and your world has been turned upside down. I can’t begin to imagine how utterly shit things are right now, vent away ❤
LikeLike
Hey my friend, what you are going through is an incredible amount of stress, pain, and anxiety. You are being strong and carrying a lot on yourself right now. I encourage you to give yourself grace. Understand that you, having the need to have Bear support, comfort, and soothe you is a perfectly normal need. While he is coping through this stress in his own way, know that your submission to him is the deepest honor and love you can give. You are truly amazing, and please know that I am over here sending my deepest prayers and thoughts your way. Hang in there, hun! It will get better soon! x
LikeLiked by 2 people
I hope you’re right, it has to be our turn for good news doesn’t it?
I think the idea of not having Bear there at least some time through the day may be stressing me out more than I wanted to admit. Last time he was able to drive up daily, this time I’m going to be in a much larger city and on my own. As someone who would rather be in the middle of the woods, this is using a lot of energy to manage. And I’m not even there yet …. UGH
Anyway, this too shall pass, I just need to focus on the task at hand. And I will lean in when I get the chance, I know it strengthens him too. 🙂 Just needed to vent.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t think D/s has been detrimental, per se. For me, D/s requires a vulnerability and reliance on another that I wouldn’t associate with other types of relationships. It’s not really possible to be both self-reliant AND vulnerable, in my experience.
When HD and I got serious, I told him I didn’t need him. I wanted him, and to me that meant more, because he was someone I was including in my life out of -desire to have him there- rather than him being necessary. Over time, with the growth of our power exchange, he has become a need as well. I don’t think I could function without him, because I rely on him in ways I did not before.
D/s creates a bond and strength between the partners that is often not possible in non-power exchange relationships. The couple (or throuple or however many are involved) become almost fused together. They’re stronger together than as individuals.
At least, that’s my perspective from my experience.
Big hugs. I can’t imagine what you are going through but I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks for your very insightful comment, HH. I think you’ve hit on a few good points here, it is the switching back and forth that is leaving me a bit unsettled. Especially on the days that the rabbit part of me is just tired and in need of comfort.
I normally go between warrior and bunny in my day to day but he’s always there in the background should I chose to, or need to go find him. In this case he can’t be and that’s a feeling I’m not used to anymore!
LikeLike
Hi…I am sorry that you are going through so many challenging things, and I just wanted you to know that you have a fan over here. To answer your question “is it worth it?” Yes, it is. I believe that being able to be submissive, to actually be submissive is a super power…and maybe it is the source of our strength.
Eastern religions teach us that submission is the ultimate pathway to bliss. Letting go of the self does not mean letting go of our agency. It is simply coming into tune with life and the universe. It is like riding a horse, we submit and yet we also guide, and that is how we enter the flow.
LikeLike
No, just no, not at all. You’re going through an immensely tough time right now and that’s putting stress on both you and your relationship. It’s normal to have and feel a number of questions during times of turmoil, but you’re not weak, you’re stressed, confused and maybe frightened and hurting too. Be sure to communicate your feelings with Bear, and to listen in return, you can work through this together. It’s a bump in the road, it’s not a wall 🙂
Good luck, and I wish you all the very best in your recovery xx
LikeLike