Lost

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been feeling a bit lost in my day to day. I mean I feel like I’m wandering through the day instead of living with purpose.

Obviously I have a purpose when it comes to my son and all the appointments, medications, physical and mental health needs etc. I feel rather more of a nurse lately than anything else. Well a mom of course, that never goes away …. I’ve also just started working again – babysitting basically for before and after school kids here in my neighbourhood. That is a nice change from the last 5 months but I’m not sure how long before I need to take a break again.

We had a video conference with W’s doctor on Tuesday and it seems that nothing we have tried so far has been able to clear the cancer from his brain/spinal fluid so we need to try something new! I’m relieved that there are options, or at least we think so, he’s gotten a referral but we haven’t heard back as to whether or not he has been accepted. However, this option would have us once again in hospital for an extended period of time.

I’m not sure if it’s an inpatient treatment or outpatient but this hospital is in our province’s capital and over 4 hrs away! As such I find myself preparing for the mental focus and strength to be away from home again, possibly have to advocate for the right to stay by his side so that he doesn’t have panic attacks and refuses treatment and to be on our own this time because there is no way Bear can travel back and forth 9hrs per day! It just wouldn’t make sense. We might be able to get him accommodations but we might not.

As a ‘planner’ it really makes me unsettled to have so many questions and no way of receiving answers.

As a submissive it makes me ‘lost’ to have no real set of kinky rules or rituals to adhere to. No set list of chores to be of service. No real intentional dynamic to concentrate on. We keep trying but every effort is interrupted by bad news and new directions, medically speaking. My own physical health has also been an issue ……

Now, I’m not complaining about having to support my child, I think anyone in the community would know that that’s not an issue, it’s just the gap that it leaves behind in my D/s life is felt! We had moved in the direction of a Master/slave dynamic as well which for us was more intentional and powerful (!?!?) feeling, Not sure how to describe it but to say that it’s more intense for more hours of every day. We haven’t moved away from Bear and bunny or any other aspect of our dynamic we simply added on to it. I’ll have a whole other post on that if I want to explain it properly! lol

I’ll leave you with my inspiration for making the move in this direction:

It’s true that I have very rarely ever been punished for anything and I think this quote fits my way of being very accurately. I don’t do things worth being punished for because my intention with Him is always to please.

Anyhow, I hope you are all having a great day and I hope to be back soon with news. For now we wait to hear about the referral and try to piece together any fragments of our kinky lives that ‘life’ hasn’t put on hold!

Comments welcome! :D

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