The hardest part(s) about a D/s relationship.

I’m thinking back on the things I’ve had to come to terms with over the years. The years of trying to figure out where I fit in this land of BDSM and D/s. I keep coming back to the same conclusion …. I don’t! *chuckle*

That’s fine, don’t feel sorry for me, I don’t. I’ve never been one to want to fit in, why start now? I’m being a bit cheeky here but I think it’s true. I really don’t fit in to what is on the internet, what is in those chat groups and online forums etc.

I can’t even begin to imagine trying to navigate those things in hopes of beginning a power exchange relationship of any sort at this point in my life. I recently began following a dominant here on WP and from what I see on his site, not much has changed from when I gave up on trying to join in and have a community to chat with in regards to lifestyle ideas, challenges and what have you.

I didn’t find my husband by trying to find a partner in a ‘group’ and I don’t believe I would do that now either. I looked for someone I could stand to be around when nothing was going on and no one else was there. Someone I could be quiet with and still sit in comfort.

I also wanted someone I could talk to, say what I wanted to say, what I meant, what was in my head. (And there is always a lot in my head!! LoL) It was only after that connection that everything else came to be.

So yes, the hardest part of beginning this power dynamic of ours was just figuring out that everyone else’s ideas were just that, ideas. When it comes to your relationship there is no ‘police’ that is going to come and get you and take you away for not doing it ‘right’.

That said, if it doesn’t feel right to you – on either side of the slash – speak up. If your partner can’t sit and listen and try to figure it out with you, they are likely not worth your energy and time. No matter what title or label they go by, if they can’t respect you and your needs …. you best take a good hard look at whether or not you really want to stay.

This is an old idea and some of you veterans on my site have heard me say it before – if this dynamic you find yourself in is bringing you more hurt and sadness than it is joy and strength, why are you putting up with that? You’re worth more …

If it makes you happy however, then fight to keep it! Being on one side or the other of this ‘slash’ does not absolve you from responsibility in fueling and maintaining the energy that you both (or all) want and enjoy.

I have found that my personal mindset and attitude have much more to do with my submission than anything he could ever do. Yes he has a responsibility here too, he is responsible for his own mindset and attitude.

I don’t blame him (or at least I try very hard not to – I’m human and slip from time to time but I try to keep my little bunny butt on track!) and he doesn’t blame me. We are adults in a consensual adult relationship, regardless of dynamic, and we are both in charge of making it work.

So I guess there isn’t just one hard part! LoL This relationship is work, just like any other and it takes effort. It doesn’t always feel D/s in the super hyper kinky energy that we all like, but it doesn’t mean it’s gone either. It doesn’t have to be ‘on’ all the time because in my life at least, there are way too many other things that need doing that simply can not be pushed aside.

So that’s another hard fact I had to swallow, I’m not going to always feel the submissive pull that gets me in a haze – and that’s just got to be okay. The alternative is that I feel somehow adrift searching for something that just can’t be, not every second of every day. It’s not realistic.

I think that when you put this relationship into a 24/7/365 aspect you need to understand that you do drift from one personality trait to another depending on need and circumstance.

For me the thing that makes it real is that any time I need to stop and kneel in front of Him, he responds in kind. Without fail. Everytime.

And when He calls on me, I do the same …..

Happy Monday friends! Hope life finds you well, hope my meandering brain has brought you some entertainment, and perhaps caused you to pause and think. *smiles*

6 thoughts on “The hardest part(s) about a D/s relationship.

  1. I’ve never understood the appeal of being like everybody else. And in a world where you can, literally, be anything you choose it seems even less interesting. If you can’t find the right person/people by being yourself then find yourself first.
    (Holy smokes, I keep pulling out my soapbox on your comment threads! Your posts hit the spot for sure)

    I’m.a huge fan of companionable silence. And a 24/7 dynamic, for me, would have a heavy weighting of vanilla entwined with D/s respect. We aren’t in that position, but LDR I behave appropriately full time. I don’t stop just because he’s working away for a fortnight.

    (OK, I’m stopping there. Rambles off to find another post to spam the comments of…) 🤭

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bring your soapbox whenever you like! *smiles* Feels nice to not be just talking to myself for a change!! lol It inspires me to keep coming back to write as well, so thank you!

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  2. Nj,
    I like this phrase “if it doesn’t feel right to you – on either side of the slash – speak up.” Either side of the slash! Love it!

    And thank you for this, too. “So that’s another hard fact I had to swallow, I’m not going to always feel the submissive pull that gets me in a haze – and that’s just got to be okay.” This just makes me feel more normal. I have health issues that so get in our way so often. Grrrr.

    I would love your input on my “Stress Relief Spanking” post if you are feeling up to it. We are going to try to implement (ha!) that here in our dynamic soon and I am asking for experienced input from people like you. If not, that is just fine and I will see you around blog land. Hugs, Windy

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Windy! I remember in the beginning having this idea floated around that in order to be 24/7 D/s you had to have that frenzied feeling 24/7 as well. I’m afraid that only happens in books in my experience! LoL

      I’d love to take a look at what you’re experimenting with! ‘Stress Relief Spanking’ Big YUP just to the idea. I’ve written on that myself and I even believe it helps lesson the pain I’m in sometimes, because it relaxes and looseness my muscles. *wink*

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