Bear and I talk, all the time …. i mean like, really! All – the – time, and still there are moments where our ideas of what the other person means when they use a term or label couldn’t be further from what their reality is. Not only do i find this fascinating at times i also find it important to remember and understand!
After all this time together, and all this time together in D/s and BDSM, you’d think/assume that we would know just what the other means when they use these buzz words. That type of assumption can get you into some complicated and confusing situations!
Just this past weekend for example, Bear and i were on a short drive and since we were alone we struck up a BDSM conversation. No time wasted when you are busy in life and have very few private moments to spare! *wink* Since things are beginning to look more and more stable with the family we have started to allow ourselves to daydream about what we would like and what may be in the hopefully not so distant future.
The conversation lead to ‘play’ of course. I use the term a lot when i’m referring to BDSM and i guess i was thinking that He and i would have a very similar description of what that was, what that term meant, to us.
Now, at some point when we were playing more and more often i think our definitions were pretty much identical, but over time and lack of practice (and discussion) things seemed to have shifted between His perception and mine. His definition was now much closer to the stolen moments we get. My definition is still much more of a manipulating of the body and sensation, pain and pleasure, endorphins, relaxation, exhaustion. SUBSPACE ….. and in truth it doesn’t even need to involve sex.
I think the revelation that we were not at all on the same page with this was a bit of a shock, to both of us, but once we let that sink in for a while we were then able to move on to an honest conversation of where our differences in understanding were and what we needed/wanted to do about it.
The idea that honest communication is paramount in this is pretty well understood but do you really know what that communication needs to look like?
I think it’s too easy to get comfortable in things. Using these labels for a while makes you comfortable in just slipping them into our conversations for ease of understanding. As nice as it is to have a ‘lingo’ to fall back on, when you are dealing with something as intricate and personal as this, using the labels will often times confuse instead of enlighten.
True understanding comes from in-depth, honest, communication and it needs to be checked up on often.
As life changes, our dynamic changes and our needs and understandings change. None of it is right or wrong, none of it is more or less. It’s personal and it’s specific to us and where we are right now. And, it’s so very important that it’s not compared either.
***** ***** ***** ***** so in other news ……
Many of you probably realize by now that i don’t read erotic re-tells. What you might not understand is the main reason why. Besides having different preferences in reading materials, i also realized very early into this journey that those types of sites/stories made it really easy to compare my life, my story-line, to the ones i was reading.
People don’t write about the hiccups along the way in an erotic story, they don’t write that ‘today we did nothing D/s, we went to work, cleaned the house and fed the kids, watched some t.v because we were both so tired and then fell into bed, to sleep.’
Some write sites that encompass both but not in the same ‘fun’ post. I read the real, down to earth posts, the ones that match up with my life, real life and i leave the stories to my imagination, because those are based on what i HAVE DONE and although it may leave me nostalgic (among other things! lol) it doesn’t leave me feeling like i’m less than, or missing anything.
A different kind of approach perhaps, an odd view, maybe …. but it works for me. 🙂