I started this blog primarily as a way to communicate to my dominant husband but also because I couldn’t find what I was looking for ‘out there’. I haven’t had much inspiration to write lately but for some reason this little tidbit won’t leave my mind today, lucky you …… *chuckle*
I started off asking for kink for I think pretty obvious reasons, it’s fun! The energy, the connection, the orgasms …. who wouldn’t ask if it’s the type of thing you enjoy?? It quickly became obvious to me however that I could use this ‘thing’ to bring back something that had somehow slipped away from us in all the years of marriage, work and kids.
**** This is a very generalized use of gender. I am using terms in their most basic forms, this is not a commentary on any other gender issue. ****
When we got together I had already realized something about men and women, I had already realized that the way to have a man’s devotion was to make him feel powerful and in control, make him feel like a man when he is with you and he will treat you like his queen. When you take control of something you take ownership of the responsibility that comes with it as well. It’s a pretty old school way of thinking I suppose but the truth is that for me, it works.
There is a very big difference between ‘man’ and ‘male’ …. in my personal opinion I have only met a handful of ‘men’ in my 45 years so far. I have very high standards, I know, but I also expect them of myself so I will not apologize for that.
To me the definition of dominant/leader is not kink based, it is one that puts the needs of others ahead of their own desires. The one who does the heavy lifting when it comes to life to be sure that those under their care are well looked after. It’s the one that takes on the responsibilities, whatever they might be. The only way this works of course is if you follow their direction. This is only possible with trust. If they earn your trust it becomes easy to follow and listen.
My trust/respect is not something easily earned, I don’t think it’s something I need to work out BTW, it’s simply part of my pragmatic personality. Bear earned my trust many moons ago, that’s the only reason we were able to get together. I handed over the leading role in our relationship, and I was very comfortable letting Him have it but guess what?
Whether it be personality or the way I grew up I don’t know, likely both, but I am a very strong and dominant individual on my own. I didn’t have those around me I could trust so I began taking on the responsibilities and in turn control, very early in life. It’s not a difficulty for me, it comes naturally and I enjoy it. Even the stressful times …
I’m still very dominant and in control, that’s my role with most relationships I have. When the kids came along and work got busy and then pets came into play and of course the finances …. slowly but surely I started taking the leading role in all of those things. I’m not saying it was just my fault, He let me.
I suppose He didn’t know He was allowed to step in and take some of that control. I think the lines between women having personal rights/control and men being ‘manly’ (which to me means responsibility) has been so pushed and pulled on that it is one big undefined mess. I had never told Him formally I was willing to follow, He didn’t know!
We found ourselves in the same position as many others I know. I was in charge of everything, getting very tired and at times overwhelmed. I got more and more used to doing things myself and so I didn’t ask for anything. He started to feel less and less needed and so became pretty resentful. I started to feel like I had 3 children, not 2 and I’m sure He started to feel like I was a controlling difficult wife. He didn’t listen to a word I said, I started to feel very alone in life.
Fortunately I was also at a stage in life where my sex drive went through the roof …… *wink*
When we played I felt like His again, like in the beginning, like why I fell in love with Him in the first place. My safe space … the only one I have ever known. I wanted that back. I could let go of the stress and responsibility, I could breathe, I could have help in this life, I could trust!
It was one hell of a leap of faith, faith in Him. I had been taking care of so much for so long that He had a very steep learning curve to concur before He could head this relationship Himself. Obviously that wasn’t going to happen over night and it wasn’t going to happen by himself either. I needed to be a partner and His counsel in many things.
Guess what? That part doesn’t change, not really. The more I take my place as partner and counsel the stronger He gets in His leadership and dominance. He needs me to do this in order to allow Him to be His true self. His true self is the one I fell in love with, the one I wanted to spend my life with, the one that made me safe.
We are a team, He gets the deciding vote. It doesn’t make me weak, it brings back His strength.
Fulfilling His needs has brought me to a place that I can acknowledge needs I never realized I had. How’s that for yin and yang! *wink*
*** This is my own personal account of course, from what I have found the roles can be reversed and work just as well. It requires one of each ….. not sure it matters who is where. ***
What I know for certain is that The Bear was not happy being anything but the dominant. I’m quite comfortable being His submissive, AND His ‘Right Hand Rabbit’! *giggle*