Submission is mine to give, not His to ‘demand’

Submission is also mine to take care of and continue to work on and build. My submission should not be dependent on His dominance alone ….

***** A personal post, sort of a ramble ūüėõ LoL

When i’m in work mode, taking care of business mode i’m very much in the warrior mode that i explained before. I get things done by making decisions, speaking clearly and strongly and moving forward. I take command of the situation, that’s how i work and that’s why things get done.

Lately I have found that i’m taking the same stance in our ‘downtime’ conversations. OYE!

I’ve been noticing this the last few times, i haven’t said anything yet to Sir because i thought perhaps it was just the ‘one time’ that i was already tired and trying to get things done so i could rest and relax. Maybe … it wouldn’t happen again so no biggie.

You’re thinking why should i have to tell Him, He should notice and take control of the situation, right? That’s His job, His place in this dynamic. He should just get on with it and put me back in ‘sub mode’. True but, what if He’s a bit ‘off’ too?

I had already been thinking this way and then I read a post by Love, Honour and Obey¬†that inspired me to say that submission is ‘mine’ and shouldn’t be dependent on Him to keep going, and i believe that so i will try to explain what i mean by it.

I’ll start by saying that my take on ‘BDSM Lifestyle’ and making it work is more based on basic human nature than any fantasy book or website version. I’m not going to tell you that He should spank me more or tie me to the bed more or lead me around by my collar and leash more to keep me in my mindset.

That would be GREAT sure!! Don’t get me wrong, that would be great if He could always have that energy about Him and we could always have the opportunity to be that way but that’s not what happens in real life, not here anyway.

So the reality, for us. The reality is that i am very strong and dominant in my day (yes i went there, i used a the label) because it’s a very comfortable way for me to be. I can’t go against my human nature and i don’t want to anyway.

Since we have been spending more energy on BDSM lately we have been talking about how things went and what worked and what didn’t. It’s been a while, people and bodies change, in a way we are starting over in the learning, so be it! Nothing wrong here except, ……¬†i feel i’ve been coming to the conversation too ‘strong’.

Why isn’t He noticing? Why isn’t He doing something to ‘fix’ it? I don’t know, maybe He is just feeling my energy and reacting accordingly. He is only human too, and He’s starting over in this too and also had a long day and tired and, and …..

We have a wonderful relationship and we’ve been at this a long time but we are not immune to real life and we are not immune to human nature.

One of the things in the post by Love, Honour and Obey was the idea that ‘if He’s not being dominant than i feel like why should i be submissive’? It got me thinking of my experiences and my feelings …….

I remember that feeling, especially at the beginning. I remember going for a while that He was all DOM and i was all sub and days were just wonderful and going along nicely. Then one of us gets ‘off’ and the other, whoops i mean HE didn’t fix my attitude, stay on top of things and keep me in my happy sub mindset. If He’s not going to ‘DOM’ than i’m not going to ‘sub’!

Um hum …. I did that to Him a few times. So, let’s get this straight ….. when i’m not being submissive it’s His job to catch me and bring me back but when He’s not being dominant He’s failing and i should take my submission and go???? He has a responsibility to help me but i have no responsibility to maintain things for Him when He’s off? Right?

Yeah, it hit me in the face pretty hard, I was being such an ass! How could i be such a jerk to this man who was trying so hard for me just because it turned out that He was human too and needed some time once in a while to regroup and recharge. Some time to get comfortable in this new role of His and to find His own footing and way to go about it.

So that’s my comment, submission is mine not His, not in this instance. It’s mine to maintain and offer and build. If i want to be His submissive than i do it even when He’s not quite up to His usual energy levels, it shouldn’t be dependent on Him being dominant. My submission is dependent on me, my energy and my effort.

What i have found is that the better i maintain my energy as His submissive the faster He can claim His energy as the dominant in our life. D/s to me is on a sliding scale, the more dominant i am the less He can be, The more submissive to Him i act, well the more dominant He can be.

It’s human nature, and even dominants are human. Go figure ….

So if He’s off a bit i will stay the course and if i’m off i will tell Him what i’m feeling and then ‘be’ His submissive and ask for help and guidance to get back to where we both want to be. I could just sit back, wait and pout and then get angry that He hasn’t noticed, lord knows i’ve played that card before. BUT life is too short and i prefer to be happy.

So Sir, i think i need to work on this, because i’m feeling a bit too strong in our conversations lately and i’m not feeling like i’m letting you lead. I’m not feeling that energy from you, can you help me get it back, please? ‚̧


And then maybe He’ll feel inspired to spank, tie me to the bed and lead me by the leash and collar! *wink*




Raynaud’s, spankings and swollen hands

I’m writing this as a diary of sorts to document something that I had noticed some time ago and hypothesized about but i’m going to actually write it down this time. For a time line and for my own amusement. If it sparks an interest or idea in someone else, maybe someone like me who is also suffering, than cool!

I noticed years ago that there seemed to be a connection between how cold and purple my hands got/or didn’t get, and the amount of play we got to do.

For personal reasons that i have already covered we had to cut the play/spankings way back. With those things seemingly back on track we have started playing again, a little anyway.

As i mentioned on Monday, my hands had been swollen, sore and halfway to frostbite for a few weeks already, ever since the temperature started to change here the problem became intense. I could not make a fist with my right hand, can’t even say it was ‘closed’ at all.

Sunday night we got to have an impact session, although just a short one, but my hands the next morning were ‘normal’, minus the ulcers and other damage that had already occurred.

It’s Wednesday afternoon and i have been in and out of the house and in the cold all week. (Not that that matters much but …) My hands will suffer some side effects from that but they get back to ‘normal’. Well, my normal anyway, I can bend my fingers and close my hands!

You have no idea how great this news really is. ūüėÄ The pain, the immobility and as far as i’m concerned the further damage that is caused when they are the other way is not only immobilizing but also depressing! They are useless, sore blocks if ice that i can’t escape. If you use your imagination you might start to get the idea, it’s truly an awful state. One I want to be out of as much as possible so yes, i’m very curious to see if spankings could possibly be a useful management tool when it comes to raynaud’s.

My hands are the first and most damaged parts of my body so far so they are what i talk about but they are not the only parts. If i can stop this progression in the rest of my body by doing something that I enjoy anyway , well i’m game to find out!

I’ve known for some time that spankings and BDSM help me manage my physical issues, now that i’m able to get back to it i’m documenting.

We are on day 4 and although we have had a few moments here and there we have not been able to use impact again. My finger tips are starting to turn again and my finger with the most damage is getting hard to close. 4 of my fingers are back to frostnip more often than not and i am noticing a bit of back and forth in temperature. That’s what happens just before they start to swell up again.

As much as i hope that they don’t do it again i’m guessing they will. If they do i will try the experiment again and see if it once again works to help the physical symptoms and for how long it can keep them at bay!

It’s all about the stress management and spankings done right have always helped to manage the stress i hold in my body. I want to find out what level of intensity it takes and for how long it can be effective before requiring another session.

Anyone out there have this or have similar results?

Turning a new leaf brings me a level of fear.

Or more accurately, returning ….

I’ve written that we are returning to our more actively ‘D/s’ rites and routines.¬† More play, a few more liberties, a few more words and looks and a few more obvious adornments – outside of the bedroom.

When we get on this train of Him and me and feeding the energy cycle it’s really easy for me to get lost in it. There isn’t anything outrageous that we do right now anyway so the two parts of my life mesh into one quite nicely, quite quickly.

So what’s the problem?

I can’t help but worry that the more energy i put into this the greater chance there is that i miss something with the kids.

Floating around happily in the after glow of ‘us’ leaves me a bit more distracted than i might be otherwise. At least i think that’s what happened last time. The boys were good, until they weren’t. Did i miss something i should have caught earlier if my head wasn’t in the clouds??

I quickly fall into wandering around happily humming and thinking of His Evilness and His needs and wants, but I can’t dedicate all my time to that, can i? I have to constantly keep one eye on the boys and life outside of the Bear as well.

It hits me like a brick wall every now and then when i’m getting just a bit too lost in Him, then i have to bring myself back down to keep track of the rest of life.

I fear that i might miss something important ….. it’s a chain i don’t like wearing.

Patience and time …. until then i walk this tightrope.

I think I have a rep! LoL

My youngest sends me this today. I guess he has a certain idea about my personality, ya think???

No, I don’t run around beating up fast food employees, but I don’t back down from a fight, that’s for sure! LoL The warrior is always here to protect the family.

Do you think he knows how much I advocate for him? I’m going to say he has a pretty good grasp on the subject!

This is just a silly meme but it is nice to know that HE knows I’ve got his back. ūüėČ

With such an epidemic of mental health issues and suicide in our children and teens, it is SO important to make sure they know you are there to support them. Joke, laugh, talk …. communicate with your children, start young and never stop. Even when they are quiet, they are listening and they are appreciating, even if it doesn’t look like it. Don’t stop talking, even if they have for now. It will come back to you in these times and listening to their stories about the ‘big boss’ in a video game will pay dividends when real life comes calling.

Lead by example …..¬† I’m not the only fighter in the family btw! Or the only leader. Just a proud momma, not my usual post but hey it’s my soapbox! *chuckle* Nothing wrong with sharing a bit of good news.

Submissive training

This is based on my life, my experience and my needs. This is not a step by step manual for anyone else’s life and not a ‘right or wrong’ attempt at explaining D/s either!¬†

Take it with a grain of salt, use what you want, discard what doesn’t fit for you …

There have been many opinions i have read about how to ‘train’ you submissive. Some are interesting, many revolve around sex and pain play. From how to give a BJ to how to train your sub to control their O’s, never a dull moment for sure! That’s not what i’m going to be talking about though.

If you live it 24/7 like we do you know that your dynamic can go much further than just the kink and sex. Around here Bear has final say in everything, from what He wants to see me wearing, my job, how i take care of myself and yes, sex and kink.

One of the things we ‘trained’ was for me to stop putting myself in peril by doing too much, working too hard. I’ve never given myself a break, in anything, guilt, needing to be always ‘useful’, needing to be ‘strong’, so many words you could use to describe the need to be ‘good’ in order to be good enough in the world.

As things progressed in our D/s and as my health got worse the Bear got serious about my ‘training’, because His main reason for doing this 24/7 is to be able to take care of me, especially when i’m being stubborn about taking care of myself.

This is what my yard looked like this weekend:


In years past the Bear would have come home every evening to bags and bags of leaves ready to be carted up to the driveway to be disposed of. I spent a lot of time outside and so, why not?

Now a days He comes home to this! On good days we can get the boys out to help, lately hasn’t been so good for that as you can see. This is the third time picking up leaves, i think they’re spent too! LoL

So I make a comment, ‘I can go out and help you’? *big smile*¬†¬†

‘Oh, you can come out’ He says ‘but if you touch anything to do with leaves and work you will be back inside with a very sore, red @ss.’

*gasp* ‘You wouldn’t! Besides you need help and it’s not fair to have you doing it all yourself.’

‘I wouldn’t humm? Want to try me?’ with a raised eyebrow and no sign of humour this time!¬† ¬†

‘No, Sir.’

There really aren’t many things that He puts His foot down on, I don’t get into trouble and i’m very good at doing what needs to be done anyway. I really don’t need to be watched or managed except for this. And so He does ….

Spankings and play fuels the D/s flames for sure but nothing brings out His dominance and my submission like moments like these.

The moisturizer rule is another one, twice daily. My skin gets very irritated and dry, especially in the winter but it is a problem all year. When i didn’t take care i ended up with a serious case of paddle rash too, even at the lowest levels of impact. Not doing it makes my hands worse and i itch and scratch at my skin until it’s raw and almost bleeding! You could say it’s a problem.

At one point i had told myself that I needed to do it for Sir, after some time of not being able to play much i stopped doing it. My skin paid the price of course so much so that I couldn’t sleep well either. Since sleeping is already a problem on a good day i certainly didn’t need this to deal with!

We talked, i told Him that i stopped because my mind no longer thought of it as a rule and since He hadn’t ever really made it a rule ….. i stopped taking care of myself. Well, you guessed it, it’s a rule now! As much as i enjoy His dominance i don’t want to experience it because i am in trouble.

This might lead to cute stories about chilly nights and pouting rabbits but in the end it reinforces His dominance and fuels His fire. Play or no play, having to brave the cold because He said so makes me feel like His, and cared for.

Another major factor is that i am responsible for telling Him what’s on my mind, all of it. I can’t always tell Him face to face, not right away but i do write it out. i write as though i’m writing a post, or talking to a friend or however it comes out the easiest.

I write my fantasies, i write about how He made me feel and what worked on my mindset, i write what didn’t work and i even write about when i’m feeling let down or unhappy. He made it a rule, so i write ….

I couldn’t do it if He hadn’t said point-blank, it’s a rule. My mind doesn’t work that way, doesn’t allow me to complain or ‘burden’ Him with anything. Especially if that anything is hard to hear or making more work for Him on my behalf.

He says He wants to know and He says there will be trouble if i don’t. Like i said before, i enjoy His dominance but NOT because i’m in trouble. Not real trouble anyway, playful teasing and banter is fun, but this is real. Raised eyebrow real …..

It’s not easy but it’s getting easier and more comfortable all the time. The more i trust Him with all of my thoughts the more dominant He feels and acts, in the real world. He used to be less likely to act in these instances when things got hard in life but now He does it naturally.

He used to be unsure of whether or not i wanted and needed Him to act, but now He knows that if He doesn’t act i will be lost. I told Him so. If He doesn’t catch me, no one will ….


Is it perfect? No, but for us it’s well worth the effort. It can be tough at times and there are moments of hurt and pain but that is life. No matter what feelings we need to navigate we never feel disconnected or alone.

I’ve rewritten my inner dialog when it comes to the Bear. I never go away from Him, i go to Him. Some days it’s soft and floaty and some days it’s charging and full of fear or anger or whatever, but i still go to Him.

He catches me.

That was my submissive training. Our version of D/s. ‚̧

Monday Mornings …

I’m just waking up and going about my business. The weekend is over and it’s time to get back to ‘real life’. This weekend did provide some time for play and the Evilness was wide awake and stalking a poor innocent rabbit for 3 days! ūüėõ

We haven’t had any opportunity for spankings in many weeks and for a few weeks my hands have been swelling and cold and very sore. It’s been difficult to do much of anything really.

Last night we finally had some time for playing with a bit more noise. It wasn’t a long time, just an hour so things were kept pretty simple BUT …. this morning my hands are normal colour! They are not swollen like they have been and although the ulcers and damaged bits are still there the rest of the ache and over all puffiness is gone.

Well, there is a bit of stinginess when i sit down but i’m pretty sure that’s not due to raynaud’s, Evilness!! *wink*

The headache that’s been plaguing me for the last few weeks isn’t here right now either. I’m going to stop talking now before i jinx myself!

Just something interesting to ponder while i wait for Bear to get home on a Monday!


Bunny is ….




  1. characterized by lack of seriousness or sense:frivolous conduct.
  2. self-indulgently carefree; unconcerned about or lacking any serious purpose.
  3. (of a person) given to trifling or undue levity:

I’ve had this conversation a number of times with a number of people. The Bear and i just started to talk about it again the other night. Today I read something that reminded me again.

Okay universe, i get it! LoL Next post idea, frivolous!

I don’t like labels and i never fit in any way so that makes it a perfect ideal! When getting into this ‘lifestyle’ i was bombarded with labels, ideas of what it is to be each one and how you need to change or adapt if you want to be ‘one’ …. whatever that one was that you chose.

There’s another thought as well, be ‘one’ …. well i’m not just one. I don’t want to be just one, i want to be me! Like i said in the last post i change and go with the flow depending on the day and situation. There is more than one aspect to my personality and so there is more than just one aspect to my submission.

First is the warrior, the one that goes out and takes on the world. The one i use most often in my day-to-day dealings. This is the part of my personality that takes care of work, the boys, the administration when needed and the mental health issues that arise from time to time. The one that takes control of any situation and finds solutions, the serious and taking care of business, no-nonsense times.

This is the one i was stuck in before we decided to try D/s. This one left no space for the Bear, the Sir, the Master in my life, or so He thought.

Second is the nijntje, the one that comes out now that He is in control of things and shouldering His share of life and responsibilities. Not to imply that He didn’t before, we had just gotten to the point where i was doing it all and He sat back and let me, now He steps in and does things Himself, takes them off my plate so I don’t have to.

If someone asks why someone like me would even want to be submissive to me husband 24/7, this is why. Allowing Him to lead allows me to breathe!

And now the bunny! Bunny has been around since the beginning of our relationship but as things got more serious and responsibilities piled on the bunny went to sleep.

Warrior mode leaves no room to be silly or goof around, there is always something that needs tending and at the time no one was helping carry the load. I didn’t ask either, i don’t want this to sound all one-sided, i had a hand in getting to where we did as well.

So bunny, bunny is silly and goofy and loves to just play. Bunny is relaxed and funny, tells jokes and grins … ALL the time. Bunny gets excited at the first sight of snow and dances in the rain.

Bunny gives *raspberries*, scrunched up her nose when she doesn’t like something and *pouts*, especially when it’s time to put on moisturizer!! *giggle* Bunny is small and fragile, carefree, it took a bit of time to get used to bunny without having my feelings hurt because bunny has a BIG heart and takes everything personally that the Bear says.

Bunny knows He’s just teasing, so now it’s okay. Bunny is the one that smacks the Bear in the @ss and then *run*!!! *giggle*

I’m not ‘little’, i’m not childish or immature. I’m not a brat, although Bear does like a bit of that, I don’t see an age or child in my mind’s eye when I talk about bunny, I see a rabbit.

If you were to look at labels alone the Bear would probably fit fairly well into the Daddy Dom category although He doesn’t like that title what so ever. That’s fine with me because the idea of calling Him daddy turns my stomach. Not because I’m against the dynamic, just because of my own personal history. (See what happened there? The i changed to I. There are subtle hints to ‘who’ is writing. *wink*)

Although He likes to stay ‘there’ He also has other aspects of His personality and they come out to match mine at any given time.

I hope I don’t regret using these labels but:

The Master compliments the Warrior. When I’m in that mode I need Him in His, again He doesn’t like the title Master so I call Him Evilness, He knows what I need.

The Sir compliments nijnjte. When I use that title, again He knows what I need.

The Bear compliments the bunny. I think you can guess what I’m going to say here … *raspberries* bunny will use the title Bear most often but sometimes Sir as well. He can tell by the mischief in my eyes what i need then anyway. *giggle*

This works the same for Him as well. If He calls out nijntje or bunny or …. well I won’t tell you what He calls me to take on the warrior, i’ll leave that to your imagination! LoL

See, not just one, not fitting into any label or dynamic but it works. The trigger words allow us to recognize needs and move from one energy to the next as we flow through our days.

OH, ….. that smirk!

Okay, so we have established that I’m *cold*, right?

We have figured out that many times my hands have more like icicles than fingers, right?

We all know that I’m doing my very best to stay warm, right?

***** *****

Last night the Bear watched a bunny hop quickly into a nice warm bed.

I’m sure the original look on His face was confusion as He watched her hop back out of said bed almost as quickly as she hopped in!

*Moisturize twice daily, darn it! I had only done once yesterday. The last thing I wanted to do was touch myself with these icicles i call fingers not only in one spot but EVERYWHERE!! UGH*

I’m sure, although i didn’t look, that the Bear’s look changed from confusion to amusement as He watched and listened to a bunny huff and pout and whine about the cold as she tried to do the task as quickly as possible.

I know that the Bear had a smirk of satisfaction as i turned and quickly hopped back into bed!!

‘What are you smirking about, Sir’? as if I didn’t know

‘Oh, nothing …’ He says as He settles back in.

OH, that smirk …. *raspberries* EVIL Bears!

Submissive mindset

** A train of thought stemming from my last post.

This is something that i have thought on, off and on for a while. It kind of baffles me at times to be truthful. But then everyone has a slightly different idea of what that is I think, there in lies the problem with labels. They can be useful for a start but can often confuse things when you get into the nitty-gritty of it all.

The idea that I’m supposed to strive for the same calm, squishy feeling that i feel when we are together and playing or whatever, ALL the time seems unrealistic to me and frankly odd. Submissive to my husband and sexually ‘on’ is one part of my being, but it’s not ALL i am.

My mood and energy changes throughout the day depending on where i am and what i’m doing. It changes and floats from one part of my personality to another depending on my need at any given time. Sitting patently awaiting guidance is not a helpful mindset when i’m dealing with the issues that arise on a daily basis around here when He’s not home and i’m at the helm.

I am a warrior in life, i tap into that energy more than any other to be honest and it has served me well. I don’t apologize for that and i have no need to change it either. Most of my day is spent being strong and in control, and i like it! ‘Submissive’ is not the thing the world sees and i think that’s the way it should be.

We have the right and probably the need, to pick and choose what energy we bring to each situation and that’s not denying any part of ourselves. I don’t believe it’s like that at all. I believe it’s simply tapping into the different strengths that we possess and using them when needed.

The trick is learning how to switch gears when it’s time be His submissive again. Turning off my mind and sitting quietly, even if it is in my head, and being just His. To me this is nothing more than practicing mindfulness and learning to be in the moment. This part i have no problem with. Fortunately or unfortunately my life has taught me to live in the moment.

For some that feeling of being submissive may work in all aspects of your life but for some of us it doesn’t. I think that is just fine. We all need to find the balance that works for us, and here personally, that is not the mindset i strive for on an all day basis.

I’m not missing anything and I have no need to fault myself for not being ‘submissive’ all the time. That’s not who I am and that’s not who He wants anyway. I’m not denying any part of my personality and need, not even the strong parts, just because I have chosen to be His submissive wife.

***** *****

The last post was more geared towards starting my day being sexually charged and wanting to play but by days end, the energy is gone and the sexy, flirty bunny just wants to cuddle, rest and get warm!