I was just looking back over my posts and realized that it’s been a month since i said that we were going to be ‘upping the ante’ , boy how time flies!
I’m getting back into the grove of submission that i felt before we had to put the brakes on. For me that grove isn’t so much about following orders or getting my work done on time, it involves being open and more upfront about what i want and need.
My biggest hurdle when it comes to this dynamic is fighting the feeling between being open and topping. It’s not that i manipulate or push to get things my way, it’s just a feeling that i get.
I worry that me saying things will cause Him to do it my way, go along with what i’m saying …. I normally have some pretty good ideas and since i’m the one who likes to research and think and plan, well it’s not too often He decides against whatever it is i have mentioned. I have to work to remember that it’s not topping if He decides on His own to go that route. *wink*
Anyway, that translates to BDSM needs as well, i have an issue being able to voice my needs because i worry about topping. The problem with that is that if you are not speaking up, you are not really submitting your needs to your dominant, are you? That was one of the main hurdles i faced getting into this dynamic and exactly why we needed to start it in the first place!! *chuckle*
As time went on i got better and better at showing what i really wanted and needed, and i got better at knowing that He was still the one deciding what to do about it and when. And then life took a turn, things got complicated and my needs for BDSM had to be put mostly on hold. As did His ….
It’s been a bit more than a year now that we have had to seriously put the brakes on things. Stolen moments and small gestures have gotten us by but for the most part needs have gone unsaid. Until last month …
I was like re-learning how to open up again without feeling the guilt of leading. I’m getting that part of my submissive journey back again, and i’m enjoying it! Needless to say, the more i let that part of myself out the more He leads it!
It’s only been a month but i feel very comfortable and confident in what we are doing and where we are headed. No, things aren’t exactly the same as they were but i wouldn’t expect that anyway. Trials have caused us to grow as people and so the dynamic grows with them.
It’s not the same but i’ve never really been one to be nostalgic anyway.
As always, the submissive mindset i seek starts with me. It’s when i give my needs over to Him that He can start to lead it.
Shedding the shackles of life so that i can have His, instead …
nijntje & The Bear 
I like that, shedding life shackles to wear the ones you choose instead x
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Hurray for getting back on track! Getting back into the groove after taking a break, and the longer the break lasts the harder it becomes.
I do the same thing, worrying that HD is only doing things because I want them and I’m pushing him to, not because he wants to. Because of this, I tend to keep quiet about my wants and needs, which doesn’t help because he hasn’t learned how to read my mind yet. 😛 I’m not sure where the line is between expressing needs and Topping. Sometimes I feel like I should just accept whatever happens/doesn’t happen, but that just leads to a lot of feeling insecure and unsettled.
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I feel just what you’re saying! The line between the two seems so blurred at times but i think the intent behind what you are saying and doing might be the key to it all. I believe that if we are honest we can tell the difference in asking/explaining our needs and trying to pester and manipulate.
The other reflection i had was that He is an adult and the one we have chosen to lead, i need to trust that He can and will do that. Holding back i think is just another way of retaining control, because i’m not letting *Him* decide, i’m deciding for Him by hiding.
Every relationship is a give and take, this one done 24/7 is no different.
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