We had a few good conversations this weekend, the first with the help of some Merlot but hey! It worked. The rest were completely sober, so no worries. *chuckle*
I’m starting to think that perhaps the Bear and i aren’t all that different in our needs after all. I may need it a bit more intense a bit more often, or maybe i should say first? I get to that point more quickly? His need for intensity generally follows mine, like we are on the same roller coaster but He is in the car just behind me when it comes to the flow of energy in this.
Everyone still following or have i lost you?
Anyway, i’m coming to the conclusion that His needs are well matched to mine *when* i make mine known. The intensity and force here is not something that is ‘on’ all the time, it’s just too strong to be able to function in a day in and day out scenario with kids, work, responsibilities that are not D/s only! So this part of me comes out to play once in a while when it’s safe to do so, when i know that life is settled enough that i can afford the time and energy on me. Makes sense?
Just like now …. everything in life seems to be on track. Things are balanced enough that i can take a break, so that’s where i’m at. I was the one who put the brakes on when it came to this because i had a very strong feeling that it was causing damage to the other aspects of our life, to our kids. It was making it difficult for me to concentrate on my responsibilities and it left me with a great deal of guilt.
Children’s needs and taking care of my family comes before my needs for control or lack there of in a kinky way. The plan for 5 minutes every hour is working wonders! I know i’m on top of everything and i know i’m not making any mistakes when it comes to paying attention this time so BDSM-ville is a go! With all its kinky bells and whistles.
I guess i forgot to clue Him in on just exactly how far down the rabbit hole i wanted to venture, that i was ready mentally and emotionally to go back there!
I have been having some wonderful chat conversations with a friend and it made me realize that i was ‘gagging myself’ as she likes to say. I had put a stop to needs and voicing needs while i was waiting for things to turn around at home. That was a long time practiced, now i need to practice talking again!
Spent a lot of time practicing to open up again this weekend. Yeah …. He’s definitely got me matched when i open the door! *wink*
It comes down to the same thing it always comes down to doesn’t it? Open, honest communication.
Today is Monday but I lucked out, i only have a few hours work today so i have plenty of time free. I’ve checked on the kids so the time for me is available. The Bears is making good use of that time and i’m filling in the blanks, because i am allowed and because He likes it.
Today He ordered clamps, two sets! Ouch! lol Once i had the youngest off to school the house was mine for an hour and a half. Clamps and a gag helped me to make the bed and tidy the room while naked. Once that task was complete i knelt to show thanks to His Evilness for the time He ordered. I took the liberty of taking a picture for Him since He wasn’t here to see it.
I needed to get dressed again and pick up the youngest from school but afterwards i was inspired enough to wash the rug that has been waiting for weeks, I organized a bit more of the decor and i can feel a certain ache every time i move! Those were tight clamps … *raspberries*
He mentioned yesterday that I was having the left over homemade soup for lunch today. I’m not sure if He was just thinking out loud or why He said it but in my mind it’s now an order, Soup for lunch it is ….
I’m sitting down now careful with how i move and what rubs where! He should be on lunch and we should have a few minutes to chat soon. Afterwards i’ll go clean up and organize the kitchen before finally getting ready for a few hours of work.
My mind is calm and the work seems less like work and more pleasing over all. I like the hints of pain here and there, they keep me calm, in my happy place.
Why does it work this way? I have no clue but i honestly don’t care. 15 more minutes until i take inventory of boys and life and then back to this feeling of harmony with the world around me. I can’t complain!
I get what i need when i can voice it, He’s always at the ready to join me. He won’t force something i don’t want or am not ready for, that’s what makes Him my dominant. Now i need to remember that and open up again.
Here we go!