This is based on my life, my experience and my needs. This is not a step by step manual for anyone else’s life and not a ‘right or wrong’ attempt at explaining D/s either!
Take it with a grain of salt, use what you want, discard what doesn’t fit for you …
There have been many opinions i have read about how to ‘train’ you submissive. Some are interesting, many revolve around sex and pain play. From how to give a BJ to how to train your sub to control their O’s, never a dull moment for sure! That’s not what i’m going to be talking about though.
If you live it 24/7 like we do you know that your dynamic can go much further than just the kink and sex. Around here Bear has final say in everything, from what He wants to see me wearing, my job, how i take care of myself and yes, sex and kink.
One of the things we ‘trained’ was for me to stop putting myself in peril by doing too much, working too hard. I’ve never given myself a break, in anything, guilt, needing to be always ‘useful’, needing to be ‘strong’, so many words you could use to describe the need to be ‘good’ in order to be good enough in the world.
As things progressed in our D/s and as my health got worse the Bear got serious about my ‘training’, because His main reason for doing this 24/7 is to be able to take care of me, especially when i’m being stubborn about taking care of myself.
This is what my yard looked like this weekend:
In years past the Bear would have come home every evening to bags and bags of leaves ready to be carted up to the driveway to be disposed of. I spent a lot of time outside and so, why not?
Now a days He comes home to this! On good days we can get the boys out to help, lately hasn’t been so good for that as you can see. This is the third time picking up leaves, i think they’re spent too! LoL
So I make a comment, ‘I can go out and help you’? *big smile*
‘Oh, you can come out’ He says ‘but if you touch anything to do with leaves and work you will be back inside with a very sore, red @ss.’
*gasp* ‘You wouldn’t! Besides you need help and it’s not fair to have you doing it all yourself.’
‘I wouldn’t humm? Want to try me?’ with a raised eyebrow and no sign of humour this time!
There really aren’t many things that He puts His foot down on, I don’t get into trouble and i’m very good at doing what needs to be done anyway. I really don’t need to be watched or managed except for this. And so He does ….
Spankings and play fuels the D/s flames for sure but nothing brings out His dominance and my submission like moments like these.
The moisturizer rule is another one, twice daily. My skin gets very irritated and dry, especially in the winter but it is a problem all year. When i didn’t take care i ended up with a serious case of paddle rash too, even at the lowest levels of impact. Not doing it makes my hands worse and i itch and scratch at my skin until it’s raw and almost bleeding! You could say it’s a problem.
At one point i had told myself that I needed to do it for Sir, after some time of not being able to play much i stopped doing it. My skin paid the price of course so much so that I couldn’t sleep well either. Since sleeping is already a problem on a good day i certainly didn’t need this to deal with!
We talked, i told Him that i stopped because my mind no longer thought of it as a rule and since He hadn’t ever really made it a rule ….. i stopped taking care of myself. Well, you guessed it, it’s a rule now! As much as i enjoy His dominance i don’t want to experience it because i am in trouble.
This might lead to cute stories about chilly nights and pouting rabbits but in the end it reinforces His dominance and fuels His fire. Play or no play, having to brave the cold because He said so makes me feel like His, and cared for.
Another major factor is that i am responsible for telling Him what’s on my mind, all of it. I can’t always tell Him face to face, not right away but i do write it out. i write as though i’m writing a post, or talking to a friend or however it comes out the easiest.
I write my fantasies, i write about how He made me feel and what worked on my mindset, i write what didn’t work and i even write about when i’m feeling let down or unhappy. He made it a rule, so i write ….
I couldn’t do it if He hadn’t said point-blank, it’s a rule. My mind doesn’t work that way, doesn’t allow me to complain or ‘burden’ Him with anything. Especially if that anything is hard to hear or making more work for Him on my behalf.
He says He wants to know and He says there will be trouble if i don’t. Like i said before, i enjoy His dominance but NOT because i’m in trouble. Not real trouble anyway, playful teasing and banter is fun, but this is real. Raised eyebrow real …..
It’s not easy but it’s getting easier and more comfortable all the time. The more i trust Him with all of my thoughts the more dominant He feels and acts, in the real world. He used to be less likely to act in these instances when things got hard in life but now He does it naturally.
He used to be unsure of whether or not i wanted and needed Him to act, but now He knows that if He doesn’t act i will be lost. I told Him so. If He doesn’t catch me, no one will ….
Is it perfect? No, but for us it’s well worth the effort. It can be tough at times and there are moments of hurt and pain but that is life. No matter what feelings we need to navigate we never feel disconnected or alone.
I’ve rewritten my inner dialog when it comes to the Bear. I never go away from Him, i go to Him. Some days it’s soft and floaty and some days it’s charging and full of fear or anger or whatever, but i still go to Him.
He catches me.
That was my submissive training. Our version of D/s. ❤