Sunday, bloody Sunday …. !(graphic pic, beware)

Okay, well it all started actually on Saturday.

True to His character the Bear has stepped up and taken control of things that I was missing. We have talked and thought and are in the process of making changes that need to be made right now.

The mood from both of us is better and in general things are running smoothly.

We went out for dinner with the kids, actually found a nice restaurant and had a good meal. That alone is progress! I’m a pretty good cook I would say and many times we go out the food is a let down. This time we all enjoyed our meals! Yays!!

We got home, the kids settled in to their routines and we stole a few minutes to get into the hot tub! What a great start to a Saturday night! And then ……

A freak accident with a dog, me going one way, dog going the other, my leg in the way ….. oppsy!

DSCN2144

The stress, the pain, the heat from the tub. The current physical issues I’m dealing with and the commotion …. My body temp shot through the roof, I was dizzy and sick. I couldn’t stand up, felt like I was going to vomit and was very literally dripping sweat all over the floor, even soaked my robe.

Made it into the bathroom and ended up on the floor. Had to call the Bear to come and help and He took my robe off so my temp could come back down! I just wasn’t in any state to be able to think or help myself.

Finally my temp started to come down and my head started to come back up. My mind started to clear and I finally didn’t feel like I was going to either be sick or pass out!

One more attempt brought to a halt! LMAO  We really seriously can not win when it comes to this ….. damn good thing I have a sense of humour! It was certainly a memorable evening!

My leg is still bleeding a bit this afternoon but at least I can walk on it, sort of. Trying to keep my weight off of it so the bleeding will stop. My oldest has taken to calling me ‘House’! Some of you might find that funny, I do …. but come on. I’m not stubborn … 😛 *chuckle*

Should have the house to ourselves this evening for an hour while the Walking Dead is on. Don’t think any play is going to be possible tonight either. Another night bites the dust!!

Read a post on Karma ….. if that’s true, I’m one awful person!

Handle one issue, two more arise …….

Sunday, bloody Sunday ….

Insult to injury ….

… injury to insult? Maybe a better fit.

Because everything else wasn’t enough. I have had a migraine for 5, no 6 days now due to this virus and I can’t seem to shake it.

I do have something I can take that helps but there is a problem with that.

It causes my raynaud’s  to act up. As it stands right this moment my hands are already half frostbitten. The weather has changed and my immunity is down, I went outside, with gloves, for just a few minutes and now 5 of my fingers are white and numb. My feet too …

I feel like hell, I am exhausted and now I’m quite literally freezing ….

Today I have to work, all day.

I have a feeling something is missing, for you Sir …. I just have a feeling you are needing and wanting ‘more’ than what you are getting. I am at an impasse in my head.

If you want it, take it. I haven’t changed my mind, I just can’t get it out by myself.

You want me at your feet? Insist on it …. active dominance. Your turn.

My body is against me and my mind is in a fog. And my hands are killing me … can’t type any more …

TGIF

 

 

 

Today’s Inspiration ( a bit of a ramble)

No music this time, sorry!

We just passed another holiday weekend here and it was just one more opportunity to see just how different ‘we’ (my brother and I) are compared to others around us. One more opportunity to be asked questions about my family and inquisitive looks from people trying to understand. People who have been in our lives for decades but still have no clue. *chuckle*

I think I’m at the point now that I just really don’t care. I have spent enough time trying and waiting and giving just ‘a little bit more’. My guilt in ‘stopping’ is no longer there.

I wake from time to time wondering if my father is still alive, he went through chemo for a tumor in his lung and surgery. That was a few years ago, I haven’t seen or heard from him since before. I get updates occasionally from my aunt. Normally because something has happened. I’m expecting the next time will be to tell me about the funeral, or even to tell me they had one. Yeah, *chuckle* they are just like that.

I wake wondering if my youngest brother is still alive too. Wondering if he is on his meds or if he is somewhere wandering the streets or locked inside his head. He hasn’t spoken to me in over 5 years now I think. My parent’s influence and my grandmother’s death had a lot to do with that. I don’t know what will happen to him if my parents pass. He doesn’t speak too me or my middle brother . We could very realistically be left caring for a person who hates our guts.

My youngest is dealing with the world and school day by day. He’s doing well but it takes a lot of my brain power to watch and listen to every little situation so that I can understand his actions and reactions. He’s not very verbal with his emotions but over the years i have learned to read the situations relatively well.

The oldest is completely disillusioned with the world and people. He has taken to talking like a robot devoid of emotion, or so he thinks, in order to be able to communicate with people and not be misunderstood. He is normally a very passionate person, and as a passionate person myself I find this idea completely disheartening. In my own child no less, and even when he tries to communicate with me.

The weather has been a challenge for me physically and I’ve been sick in one way or another since the middle of August.

The Bear is sharing in all of this stress and it has caused Him (well us both) to be sleep deprived. Coupled with the weather and lack of sunshine and the extra work that has been piled on Him both professionally and from family, and His mood is pretty low.

Moments of possible play time have come and gone without a word. I’m getting frustrated and deflated. It’s not helping Him either, I can tell His reserves are low as well.

Our current energy cycle is not productive.

He has decided to give me back charge of my orgasms, for now, until we can get back on track with ‘play’ and personal time. I’m not sure if this means just by myself or when we are together as well, my guess is I will still need permission then.

I’m not sure how I feel about this idea, it seems like forever ago that I had that ….. ‘power’? ‘responsibility’? Both I suppose.

He feels it’s the right choice for now, so I will do as He wishes. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. I haven’t had the urge to ‘play’ by myself in years ……. it has always been ‘for Him’.

Looks like a new adventure awaits.

 

 

 

Still hate cell phones

I’ve never been a cell phone person, or one to need to be connected in any way 24/7. When I was younger and without children I used to often fill up on gas and just drive. Nowhere in particular, never a destination, just me and my thoughts watching the world go by. I would drive in one direction until the car was on 1/2 tank and then drive back from wherever it was I had ended up.

Always alone and definitely no phone!  It was always a toss-up to see if I would turn back or if ‘today’ would be the day I kept going and left the rest behind. So see, no need for connections.

I still don’t have a cell phone, I have a house phone and if you need me you best call me there or come to the door. Texting will get you nowhere! Sorry …..

I do however have a program on my email that I use to stay in touch with the Bear and the boys (if ever they get out of the house). I get on right about the time I know the Bear is on lunch break and will occasionally tease and flirt with Him. Okay, maybe a bit more than occasionally, you need to keep the fire stoked after all! *wink*

This brings me to my problem ….. the phone is getting older and the info is not going through so quickly most times.  Do you know how effective word play and flirting is when the first text was ‘ages ago’ and the next few thoughts already sent and registered?

You end up talking kinky about the cat, the real cat, and NEITHER of us is into that!

Can’t really justify a new cell phone for the sake of 20 minutes of flirting.

I still hate cell phones.

WP, again.

Okay WP is being a real pain, for me anyway.

When I try to scroll by the ‘followers’ I have it doesn’t let me get past the first few before it starts to skip the scrolling and then freezes up.

Normally I would just wait and let these things clear up, it almost always does. Someone else notices, it gets attention and it gets done.

I’m patient, I can wait.

It has been well over a month now and it is still not fixed.

Why do I care you ask? Well easy, I know I am not always well understood and one way that I know whether or not to continue to comment on someone’s site is by seeing whether or not they are still following me. If they were in the first place of course.

It’s an easy way to see first hand if someone wants to hear from you or not, but now. Now I can’t get to that information …..

So I ask you, is this a technical issue for me, or have you seen it, or do you see it happening too?

Thank you 🙂

Bored of the fish bowl ….

Did you exchange
A walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

Getting excited, but only for one part of what i was hoping to be quite an adventure. Putting my imagination away …..

“Wish You Were Here”

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Self care, something many of us talk about but really don’t do much of.

Mental health and self-care is a huge topic right now. Experts and online resources as well as tv shows all geared towards helping you understand the concept and realize its value. We hear it, agree with it and promise to treat ourselves better but do we?

When i was young i was terrible at this, the main reasons were simple, guilt and martyrdom. I was always striving to be perfect because the way i was raised nothing else was good enough. My narcissistic parents would pit us one against the other and make it clear that we reflected on their worth. There was no way less than perfect was good enough …. *shrug*

Being the stubborn bunny that i am this actually helped me build a good amount of self-worth and self-esteem, not what you would expect, i know. I built myself up but it was by being there and helping my brothers and other family members deal with the craziness that was life. Eventually that went on to become me helping others everywhere and trying to save the world! Ah, the good old days …. *smirk*

Not too much pressure there at all, eh? Just the entire world, how hard can it be?

You might think i’m joking but i’m not. I felt a responsibility to help and ‘save’ everyone that I came in contact with. It worked well for those people, they came and went into my life like a revolving door. People wold use me for what they needed and once back on their feet they were gone again.

I never asked for anything in return and most people are just fine with obliging. I admit a thank you would have been nice but truth is if i got anything at all it was usually anger for pointing out the problem. Most of those would carry on and eventually see i was right and fix their issue. Some would come back, never apologizing for their actions but supposing i would help them some more. This still happens from time to time, but i just let it roll off my back now.

When my kids came around i decided no one else was going to get my attention if a) they didn’t deserve it and b) if they didn’t want to be helped anyway. Many people simply enjoy living in misery, they don’t want to change and i’m done with martyring myself over it.

Ah, see there it is. I felt in order to be able to look myself in the mirror and be happy with who i saw i needed to keep ‘fighting the good fight’ for others regardless of the consequences to me.  This might sound romantic and kind but it is a very dangerous mindset to have. It breaks you down and leaves you with nothing for yourself.

When there is nothing left in you, there is nothing left to give your loved ones either. Think about that, how much is the guilt and martyring worth? Is it more important than having attention and energy left for those people in your life that do care and cherish you?

Why is this on the D/s site you ask, because many of us decided that the care we need should be over seen and thought up by our dominants. They should make rules and regulations to keep us in line and on track. They should be responsible for our ‘self care’.

So we sit back and we wait. Guilt because we don’t want to take the lead, or because we can’t give it to ourselves and martyring because a good submissive does what the dom wants, not what she/he needs.

It’s called ‘self care’ for a reason, it is not given by someone else no matter how much they care and love us. It’s not their job or responsibility, it’s ours. They can help and they can support us but in the end it really is something we need to accept and give ourselves.

That’s when our self-worth starts to grow.  When we give ourselves that right, that time and care then we start to heal and grow. But you need to take that first scary as h3ll step and say ‘ME’, i’m doing this for me, and it’s okay.

It doesn’t make me selfish, it doesn’t make me entitled. It makes me stronger and it helps me heal. Only then can i really help others.

Only then I can truly be His anyway.

Happy Sunday! ❤

 

Inspiration

I heard this some time ago and I find it eerily comforting.

I think it explains the what, ‘silence’, and the how to escape it. I think in one manner or another this is what we all feel when we don’t feel connected.

I will be back to this, there are many, many words in my head ….. but the Bear is home with dinner and so I will go! Wish you a good weekend and please ……

DON’T be silent.