Time and change – continued

I wrote a bit of how this journey of BDSM started for me, in my mind and what I needed for my body. If you haven’t, please catch up with part 1 here . I was going to leave it as stand alone but i decided i needed to add some to really make it understood from ‘my’ perspective.

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Eventually it became clear to me that the way I needed the play was more along the lines of self harm than it was healthy and productive. *gasp*

The truth is that I was on a mission to take myself to the brink, and maybe just a bit beyond. There really was no satisfaction is playing like that outside of the same calm and satisfaction I got/get when I’m over doing it and basically hurting myself. *gasp again* I know, many might disagree but I know myself and my brain well. I know the truth that would be very, very easy to hide or deny.

*****

Remember when I said the goal was not to move or make a sound? That was the same goal I had growing up, my father never once saw me flinch or cry ……. the energy i was tapping into was very similar, NOT what i wanted.

It wasn’t about a need or enjoyment, it was proving i could survive. That’s a very different beast.

*****

The truth is that I hate bruises ….. in know, i know …. *gasp* that’s like ‘sacrilegious’ for a masochist to say isn’t it???

I like the impact, i like the feel, and i like having something to look at when i’m just freshly done playing. Something to ponder and remember ‘when i got that one’. A few remnants the next morning are a nice trigger for a memory of a good time but that’s where it ends.

I don’t want to see the bruises two days down the road, or two weeks. The colours as they get bigger and wider to work themselves out. They are ugly to me, they don’t look nice with my sexy panties or in my short shorts or swimsuit. When I did have them they were not reminders of a good time either, they were very much on the edge of the dark and quiet I can go to when I lose touch with ‘feeling’ at all. Much like the heavy play I was first getting into.

So we made a change ….

The goal changed from how much i could withstand to how much did i actually ‘want’ to experience? Instead of holding on mentally and physically to the very end, I started to simply enjoy where I was at in play no matter how ‘hard or soft’ that play might be. I wasn’t trying to prove survival anymore, I was just trying to relax and above all, enjoy.

We also learned that i could play very hard AND have little to no bruises the next day or two. We learned how to manipulate the situation so that the bruising became deep tissue instead of on the surface and we learned how to use ‘leather butt’ as a method of being able to play extremely hard with almost no lasting marks …. *wink*  As implied, this really only works around the backside and upper leg area, I still haven’t found a way to do that specifically on other parts of the body. I assume it’s because there is simply not enough mass in other areas for me to get to that state. If you have a secret to that, do let us know!!

Instead of needing almost an hour of warm up, up to two hours of heavy play and then a few hours of aftercare and rest, we found we could play and get most of what we wanted out of just a few hours in total. If we do get to playing ‘heavy’ as before, the goal in my soul is now mentally healthy but i know that the ‘day’ will be a write off, I am in such a state that i won’t be doing anything or going anywhere …. just relaxing and ‘floating’. These days are simply not possible right now so…..

What I want now.

Changing the play up has led to where we are now, most times, and to what the Bear finds most appealing about BDSM and impact play in particular.

I started to learn to ‘let go’, move and vocalize …… a whole new way of experiencing freedom is just ahead!

To be continued …..

8 thoughts on “Time and change – continued

  1. Oh Nij, there is so much value in knowing yourself well enough, and also being strong enough, to admit that parts of your masochism were forms of self harm. Someone once told me as a generalization that all S&M is self harm, which really offended me because that meant that i was self harming, but i wasn’t. But the way you have stated it, and the shifts you have made in your approach, prove that isn’t the case. Either way, you should be really proud of yourself for admitting that, and for making the changes to keep yourself safe and sane. hugs to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the support, winnie! ❤

      There really is a very distinct difference between harm and S&M done sanely, I was hoping that point would come across. Having been on both sides of the coin I can tell you undoubtedly that they are most certainly NOT the same.

      Having said that, I believe some people may be going through the first experience I described and I'm hoping to reach them as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I wanted to come back to this as it made me think. I can recognise times where I know I’ve tipped psychologically into self harm during play and the difference was inside me, and how I was feeling about myself. At the time I didn’t make the distinction but knew I was pushing myself towards suffering and past pleasure, and it has helped to recognise the propensity is there and be mindful of entering into play without checking my mindset first, thank you for sharing this x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The difference between sane play and possible harm can sometimes elude us i think, especially if you don’t recognize it and know to look for it. As someone who prides themselves in maintaining and advocating mental health it was hard to admit.
      Just like any self harm though it can be addictive and actually a way of ‘maintaining control’.
      It effectively takes the ‘sub’ out of the missive!
      I’m glad to hear it gave you pause and humbled really. I know you put a lot of time and thought into the things you do. If I gave you a new idea to ponder I’m truly impressed! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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