What I wanted,
What I want,
Where I might end up.
What I wanted,
When I started this journey into BDSM and M/s or D/s or what have you, my way of thinking and looking at masochism and servitude through pain was much different than it is now.
I have read some where in kitten and Sirs site a very similar definition of what it was to serve in pain. If I find the post I’ll ask to link it, but anyway. At first the idea to me was to see how much I ‘could take’. The more I could withstand the better ‘slave’ or submissive I was. This was all in my head, it was not Sir or His understanding, just me, but it was there.
I was really enjoying NOT enjoying or ‘suffering’ or …… something. I’m not sure how to describe it in a way that won’t take all night. To me more was more and more was never enough. There were a good number of bruises and marks back then, I wanted them and they were very much more ‘my’ need than His.
The goal was always to work the body up slowly but surely to a state that not much was ‘felt’ any longer. The pain threshold was so high that I was never the one to call it quits, the Bear was. He watched my body well and listened to my breathing and words, assuming I could still speak. He decided when enough was enough because it is His job to keep me safe after all. Even in my most deep and dark moments, because they were MY moments.
I don’t think this was ever a need of His, except to fulfill mine. It took a while to come to terms with that. How was I to ‘serve’ and ‘prove’ myself through masochism if not like this and not for Him?
Well the truth is that the ‘dance’ has at least two partners, and both need to have their needs met, even if they are not exactly the same at all times. It took a while to figure out that it was not me being greedy, it was Him fulfilling His job and responsibility towards me. Whao ….. mind blown! 😛 LoL
In all of this really heavy play my goal was to hold still and never make a sound, not really. We would play for and hour and a half to two hours and you would be lucky to hear much, until the end of course. In the end there were always the most delicious impact orgasms. I really never needed any sexual touching of any sort, pain and impact alone were/are some of the most intense moments that I know.
I do also crash to the ground and lose all sensibilities for a while when we play this way as well. So there is that bit and major aftercare to remember. Afterwards my soul seems to fly, I am light and care free, no stress can touch me and I am ready to take on the world no matter what it has to throw at me this time.
This kind of play is hard to come by these days …..
…… it’s also not the only play I have learned to enjoy.
out of time tonight! To Be Continued …..