I’ve never believed in luck, but …

rabbit-unlucky

We had a bit of fun last night, played around with a cool toy from Wicked Daddy’s online store and now I have awful pains in my abdomen. UGH

I’m very uncomfortable and I’m hoping it will pass as I get moving along today. I’ve been having a few other peri-menopause type symptoms (at least I think that’s the culprit) lately, soreness and lack of sleep to name a couple. Pain after sex is and could be the peri-menopause issue here, too.

I don’t believe in luck, and good luck has certainly never been a thing for me so …. doesn’t that mean I shouldn’t get stuck with bad luck either??

Enough already …… I want some peace, please!

Thank you universe, that is all.

*** for the record, I don’t believe the toy or how it is made has anything to do with this. It is a very fun and exciting thing to play with, when my body co-operates! ***

When …

When I get to the end of my life, I don’t want to worry about if I fit the label or not.

When I get to the end I won’t worry if the others understood.

When I get to the end I won’t care if I was a twue this or that. I won’t care if He was ….

When I get to the end I won’t care how much money is in my bank account.

When I get to the end I won’t care if my car is ‘cool’ enough.

When I get to the end I won’t care if my kids got straight ‘A’s, finished school on time or got a prestigious job.

When I get to the end … all that society looks at and ‘likes’ won’t matter one bit.

******

I want to be a person who lived with honour and humility.

I want to be a person who gave a helping hand when she could, without asking for recognition or reward.

Mostly, I want to be a person who made sure that those I care about know it.

******

It’s not about pain, play, or labels and fitting the box.

It’s about connecting with those around you in your true and raw form. It’s about living …. until you die.

Happy Monday All! 🙂

Coming clean ….

We haven’t had much time for fun and games lately. I don’t think that’s a secret. The few moments we have been able to steal away have been less than electrifying I’m afraid. I have a feeling I have figured out why ….

Any impact/bondage play we have done over the last few months has not been a whole lot of fun for me. Honestly I was beginning to get to the point that perhaps it simply was no longer a want of mine. Then, I thought, no it’s because I haven’t been getting what ‘I’ need out of the play time.

Our time is so short that my attention has been on giving Sir what ‘He’ needs BUT ….. It seems that when I am not enjoying myself much, neither is He.

He uses our play as a way to relax and decompress from the stresses of life, just as I do. This is obviously a good match since He likes to dish it out and I like to receive it.

The part that is missing from this equation is that during play lately I have not been taken care of. I have actively been taking control of the situation it seems and deciding for Him that He deserves to have His time and mine can wait, for when we get ‘back on track’ with time and kink.

Isn’t that a b*tch! *chuckle* trying to do what I think is right and giving Him his needs has actually lead to me taking over, without realizing of course, but that’s what it is!!

It is very obvious now that He does not enjoy any of this if He doesn’t feel like it’s meeting my wants and needs too. If He is finding this just as lack luster as I am, it goes a long way to explaining why perhaps more attention could be put towards this after all. We are both just choosing not to because, well, because it’s not working.

OYE! I shouldn’t be deciding ‘this time is for Him’ I should just be going with the energy and flow and letting Him decide what to do with it and how far to go. If I let Him start taking care of me again He’ll likely decide this is in fact something worth focusing on.

He’ll decide once more that THIS way He does enjoy it.

Trying to DO FOR Him sometimes leads to taking over, without meaning to, but doing it anyway.

There can at times be such a fine line between serving and leading …..

Getting back into my own side now Sir, do you think I’m onto something here?

 

Pass the sword and shield, please Sir.

Putting on my war paint, again ….

Photo Credit 

The last few weeks have been quite the whirl wind. Trying to get myself ready to get back to work, trying to get the kids ready to get back to school, trying to get the school on board with the requirements of not just one child but two.

Everyone in a position of authority from last year has left and so the story starts all over again. I feel like I have traveled and emailed more times than I care to count only to find myself back at square one each time.

The mental state of the oldest is ‘okay’ but I can see how he is either lashing out or shutting down. I have a feeling that the best way to describe his issue is PTSD caused by excess emotional trauma due to the teachers at his school. He does okay everywhere else but get him anywhere near an educational facility and his panic is obvious …

He used to want to go to Harvard, he is more than smart enough, more than capable. To say this is disheartening is probably the understatement of the year.

The youngest, well, he is trying. He is making out okay with getting to school and managing the online work. Any change in schedule leads to panic and home he comes. The rest of the school day is a write off if it needs to be done in class. Good thing many courses have the work available on-line. Now I just need to be sure he doesn’t lose marks for not being in class doing the work.

He is refusing to go to his second class, the students are just simply to high energy and loud, he is unable to cope. The good news is that he has finally decided to see someone about it. With any luck we will find out if he does have Asperger’s (pretty confident here) and then get some support from both the doctors but also the school!

My family doctor has done as much as he can but is not qualified to give the final diagnosis. We have been treading water ever since he got back to school in February after being a ‘shut in’ for the better part of a year. So yes, long trip to get here, hoping for some relief now ….

Talking to people and trying to get them to understand feels like talking to the wall lately. I’m constantly explaining the same thing over, constantly carrying the brunt of the force to try to push forward and keep things going. It’s mind numbing having to do and say things over and over. It’s frustrating and frankly a pain in the ass! Did I mention I don’t like people-ing??

‘Gifted’ is not a gift, for any of us ….. we would all be happy being one of those ‘eccentric shut ins’, in many ways we already are!

I have been working from home mostly due to the kids and their needs for almost 17 years now. I am getting tired, I am ready to move on, my body can no longer handle the physical requirements of doing this.

The stress of being ‘on’ all the time has been building, obviously, and my body hurts.

The Bear and I have both been sick over the last 3 weeks now, trying to be rid of this ‘bug’ but of course busy schedules, lack of sleep and stress is not helping that along.

There has been no time or energy for play, no impact, no spankings, nothing to decompress. The house is always full and the time is always fleeting.

The best I can do right now is wipe away the war paint at the end of the night and snuggle into the furry Bear chest for a night’s sleep.

This too shall pass, right?