Messy hair, don’t care ….

Not sure why but I’m going to put this here. I guess to show that my life has no B/s attached to my D/s … ? Don’t know, just feel I need to write it and this seems like the right place. Just a messy post, no insight here on how to play a ‘role’ …. just real life.

First, I had a really great early weekend! I had a chance to go away and see Imagine Dragons in person! To say that was exciting is the understatement of the year! Their music is what I call on to help me through the hard days and ‘party’ on the good days.

I got to be face to face with the entire band and High 5’s all around! Yeah, a very good time! 😀 😀

But ….

I have been under a lot of pressure lately. Well, more like 4 years straight …. Mental pressure, physical issues, and no ‘time out’ in over 4 years. Most of you should already know that I am at home 24/7. I work from home so that I can be here mainly as a support system for the boys. I’m not confident that if I worked outside the home they would ever be able to face the world outside that door ….

Things are getting better, thank goodness, but we are not yet out of the woods. Such is life.  We will see what September brings.

In all of this I am trying to walk the wire between my dominant self and my submissive self to the Bear. It’s not always easy and it’s not always obvious either. The truth of this dynamic for me is actually the ‘messy’ parts I think.

Anyway, after all of this time and pressure you could say that I was under a bit of stressful pent-up energy. The time away was fun but also full of little issues here and there that were slowly adding up for me.

By Friday night I don’t even know what it was that set me off but I had an all in all out melt down!


I don’t honestly know what I said or why. I don’t remember how it went down …. I don’t remember much about it at all! It was just a completely and utter melt down and explosion.

All I do remember was the Bear, following me, holding me, keeping me from hurting myself, keeping me safe and keeping me close.

There was no kneeling, no protocol, no ‘for show’ of any sort. there was a lot of noise and a lot of ‘crazy’ pent of anger, sadness, frustration, you name it! It just all exploded out of me, that really is the best way to describe it …

There was no repercussion as far as corrections or anything like that because honestly I am right. The ‘repercussion’ if you want to call it that is that we are now, again, at another level in this journey of ours.

My dominant nature keeps me taking care of everyone like I always do, and that includes the Bear. It’s not easy to walk the line between doing for Him in a submissive way and taking care of Him in a dominant way. I do both, at the same time. I can’t deny who I am, I will not pretend. Complicated, confusing … yes, but it’s also real and that’s what we want.

(You can all pray for the Bear now! LoL )

As soon as my mind is not being ‘fulfilled’ in a submissive way I switch to my dominant way of thinking. It’s just automatic, and I’m not saying He’s doing anything wrong or not doing something He should. Not sure if this makes any sense to anyone else …. but I just simply switch gears. I don’t have the ‘need’ in between. He has no time to find it and fulfill it.

I don’t even realize it until I notice that at some point I feel like I’m taking it ‘all’ on again, traveling this stressful time by myself. Protecting Him from things instead of including Him. That part probably makes sense to some.

Anyhow, I think that’s as far as I can go with this post for now. That’s all I can put into words. If you managed to make it through this far, I hope I haven’t rattled your brain too much with my explosion of half thoughts and ideas!

Happy Monday! ❤

9 thoughts on “Messy hair, don’t care ….

  1. May be it was good to rail for a wee bit. You obviously needed to release that lady. Tis hard to be everything for everyone and maintain your own needs. At least this is what my mum says and she is not a sub. I hope you feel better for what needed to come out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do feel better, thank you Lily! 🙂 It was needed, it was done.

      Your mum is exactly right, it is hard to do it all and take care of yourself in the process. I’m not what I would consider a sub either, I only do it for the Bear, for us …. it gets complicated to explain. It’s not something I sought out and not something I would do with anyone else.

      Brand new territory I guess! LoL

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I had a feeling it might be that way with you as well! LoL Don’t make the mistakes I did, especially after the baby comes. I know it sounds off the wall right now but when your momma bear kicks in everything in your brain changes.

        I’ve wanted to say for a while but never found the right time, if ever you want to email, please do! I’m not expert in anything but I do live as a mom, a dominant in the world and a sub to my husband. I see some similarities 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I have said this a lot Nijntje and I hope you are not tired of hearing this but S. and I are equals and even in scenes we meet as equal. We just do so from opposite ends of the D/s spectrum. Out side a scene I go back to normal life and we share duties. However, I can understand where you are at and I have been there, I have dominance in me as well as submission. I choose to submit but lord help S. if he doesn’t do his share in the running the household. If you are unable to take up your places in your BDSM life your mind will become clogged if you like. It isn’t a nice place to be if you explode. What warmed my heart is that the Bear took care of you and that is very loving. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks kitten!

      Please, feel free to continue to preach it. That’s my hope with these posts is to show people that real life needs to happen as well as BDSM life in order for this to not only work but be fulfilling as well!

      Play time is practically non-existent lately so pressure builds up. If I was too busy worrying about being a ‘proper submissive’ right now I’d likely keep things to myself and become very, very miserable.

      I’ve read about it too many times. I’m hoping to show another way! *smiles* Real life ….


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