A must read!! Re-blog ** Safety Issues – by Sir and kitten ** with their permission


I don’t know how many of you belong to Fetlife but at the moment there is a really big ‘Hot Potato’ doing the rounds about safety for women and a few of the women there have decided to deactivate their accounts for three days.

It is a demonstration to try to get the owner of Fetlife to alter their terms of use. Women need to be able to feel safe and try to find a way to voice what has happened to them. They want to be able to name and shame the abusers and put a copy of what was said as proof. Right now you are not allowed to name the abuser. I am not here to go into all the crap flying in there but I want to speak about something I promote in here…SAFETY.

What I want to deal with is if you are safe while actively looking for a partner.

  1. If you are on a dating site you may have trouble making a profile stating your sexual preferences and Fetlife provides a way to do that. If writing your profile, be careful what you put into your fetishes. The fantasy of being abducted could be mistaken as a rape and that is a flag to every questionable character. Put just a few simple ones.
  2. Don’t put your face on Fetlife. You can put a part of your face on, like your mouth.
  3. Don’t put sexual pictures of your body in your profile as that will draw the trolls out of the wood work. There are those few on Fetlife that will tear you apart for them calling you disgusting names. Make sure you understand that they can get your pictures and plaster them anywhere.
  4. There is a list of things for what you want from Fetlife. Things like a Master, a Mistress, Events things you are looking for. If you put Dominant or Mistress you will get messages where the person might say ‘get on your knees slut’. Block them
  5. If a Dom messages you and his avatar is a question mark DON’T TALK TO THEM.
  6. Check out profiles and see how much they have said about themselves. IF IT IS EMPTY, don’t reply.
  7. If you get a friends request with no messages attached DON’T FRIEND THEM.
  8. If anyone is either abusive or threatening, BLOCK THEM.
  9. I am a member of Fetlife and I have only been abused once and it was a girl. I left that time. I went back and my profile clearly states I am attached, collared, and engaged to Sir. I am @Anything-for-Sir in there. If you read my profile it is a great way for me to ensure I don’t get any real activity except I love to write erotica there and to support Sir. I also put down I was looking for friendship. I will not friend anyone there unless they have spoken to Sir and that is on my profile. That is so he can protect me.
  10. If a man sends you a picture of his penis don’t bother talking to them. Same goes if he has only dick pics on his pictures.
  11. If talking on Fetlife blooms into a good relationship and you want to meet your date. MAKE IT A PUBLIC DATE. If the person tries to get you alone, DON’T GO. A good Dom will always respect a public meeting and be happy to do that.
  12. If you meet for a coffee somewhere and all they talk about is how good they are and talk about nothing else but sex, save yourself the heartache, they are not a good Dom. A good one will want to get to know you first.
  13. Make sure they know your limits and safe words and you can write them down and show them but only if you get on well.
  14. Have a number of dates in public but eventually you will graduate to being alone. This is something I would do to ensure my safety. Write down what you are going to do and what you will allow them to do and write it with every single thing you can think of. When you are getting close to wanting to take your relationship up a level get them to sign the list and take the list home because if something goes horribly wrong you will have a signed contract to show the limits of your relationship. IF THEY WON’T SIGN…WALK! If they ask ‘Don’t you trust me?’ I would say ‘no’ and leave.
  15. If they are cagey about their real name or they don’t talk about their real life, this isn’t mysterious. If they don’t talk much about themselves at best/ they could be hiding a wife and kids at home, at worse/ they could be a serial rapist. Run Away.
  16. If you are just looking for a play partner you must be safe too so learn as much as you can about them. They are looking for someone to have sex with, so will not be as willing to meeting in public, they just want regular sex.
  17. This is something I need you to know. First off this person has been banned for life from Fetlife. He is currently up on charges for rape. He is an Australian business man and he is rich and very handsome and he was going to places overseas to rape young women. He looked like the real stereotypical Dom but he was a monster. None of the girls had an abduction or rape fantasy he simply raped them.
  18. One little thing, ask for a medical certificate of STD’s. Ask them to have one and make sure you have one too. If they can’t, make sure condoms are used. Some will say ‘I’m allergic to condoms’, or they just rip them off just as they enter you. It is a breach of consent.
  19. If you go to event and someone is inappropriate with you, report them to the organizer. They will be your protection.

These are all of the ones I can think of but if you can think of others please give a comment. I pray I have not terrified you because we all need a safe environment to explore our sexuality.

I am not putting down Fetlife as it is great place when it works well. Please use it and have fun with it. If you are young and inexperienced take my warnings and it should keep you as safe as you can be.

If you have questions…Contact Us

Sir and kitten.


14 thoughts on “A must read!! Re-blog ** Safety Issues – by Sir and kitten ** with their permission

  1. This should be applicable to social media sites as well. It’s something that I talk about often. No photos of yourself!! I had photos of myself on my Twitter. I would never recommend to do that as this post has said. Also, the Dom at Twitter only wanted sex, nothing more. I was not interested in that, I wanted more. I blocked and protected my tweets and it never helped. I should have deactivated my account. Very important information here that is imperative for both sides.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Trying to recall why (aside from here) I avoid social ‘net use like the plague….. oh yeah, this stuff.

    Heard about the pictures men send a few years back. That bit still blows my mind.


  3. I mostly use fetlife as a means of networking with local community members I already know as well as distant friends.

    I make new ones here and there but my slave is often targeted by so many D types and even pushy s typea

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve never had the pleasure, and at this point I can’t say I ever would want it! I don’t ‘do’ social media and it appears I’m not really missing anything worth while in most cases. It is sad. Such a thing *could* have had wonderful results ….


      1. You really aren’t.

        As a member of a leather fraternity as well as organizer for a few major events here in my area, I have to make use for sake of networking and such.

        But it’s really a madhouse and everyone is often at each other’s throats over small issues that are solvable with some proper conversation rather than a heated post argument.

        But hey. It’s the territory at times.

        There are those of us in the LS working to make social media safer but…we work against a very tough generation of bad habit and disregard for protocols and traditions.

        It’s a thankless job and often fruitless. But we won’t give up. Not yet anyway.


  4. Thank you for posting this. I too am on Fet and I have seen a lot of what you speak about. there are so many girls that get hurt on sites because they didn’t know the warning signs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They seem to get so hung up on being ‘good submissives’ that common sense goes out the window. The added pressure from predators makes everything worse!
      I hope this helps get the word out, any one person warned is worth the effort! Thank you 🙂


      1. I have backed off from our local group and Fet because of people who don‘t understand boundaries, but I will share with others what you have posted.


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