Once upon a time …

**Clearing my head, you might want to skip this one.**

A couple of years ago when we were enjoying our kinky D/s connection everything seemed like sunshine. We played, a lot, and we were both always in the best of moods. There wasn’t much that phased us …. maybe it should have.

A few years ago during all of this kinkiness I was spending a lot of time actively submitting and thinking and prepping and encouraging etc. If things started to slow down I’d ‘up my game’. Once I did I always had a willing partner in crime.

I was spending enough energy on this that other things were starting to slide. The boys were not getting as much of my attention and things went sideways, very sideways.

Eventually my attentions were split between trying to be this submissive minx, and the kick ass mama Bear. That worked for a little while but switching gears got more complicated as the boys needed more and more of my attention and brain.

Eventually the overtly active submissive actions became less, at least less if there was no encouraging from the other side. I wrote in the beginning of December that I was ready to get back to myself. I needed to tap back into my natural strength and stop running at half strength because it was exhausting and getting me no where fast with the rest of life.

I carry a good amount of guilt over where the boys are now in their lives and how much of this went unnoticed because I was spending so much time and attention on my kink, and not on them! It’s part of my dominant personality, I don’t make excuses and I’m not about to now. I f*cked up, I should have spent less time on this D/s crap and more on them. I didn’t …

I put the dominance of kink and sex into the lap of the Bear and I have left it there. I’m doing my thing and taking care of business as I have to. It’s my job, it’s my responsibility and their lives does not come second to my kink.

Enter the ‘chastity’ issue that I talked about yesterday. It’s not purposeful but it’s more or less the same and so is the result. I don’t feel sexy or kinky or sexually submissive and I haven’t enough energy reserves to focus on that right now. It is not the priority and I will not f*ck up for the boys again.

I’m more than happy and willing to join in but the energy needs to come from somewhere other than me right now.

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Right now I have no energy left for this, right now I’m already stretched to capacity.

4 thoughts on “Once upon a time …

  1. My life constantly revolves around the little people on my life. I get no break. I have to be the responsible one all the time. All the damn time. So I can totally relate to you. I think part of the reason I couldn’t do 24/7 or perhaps even live with my Dom is that I would struggle too much with accessing my so called dominate side to ‘deal’ and be that strong mama bear you’re talking about. My submissive side is very encompassing, she would rule. Hope you get it sorted and all’s well soon. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, CC! I hope to get things figured out soon too.

      I’m more of a dominant than I am submissive in life so following through on the everyday is no big deal at all. The issue here revolves only around my kinky side of life and I find I simply have no mental energy left to pursue it atm. I’ll follow, but I won’t start … if that makes sense.

      My kids are 15 and 17 and the issues are severe mental health ones, social anxiety, anxiety and depression with a sprinkling of drugs to top the whole thing off. Add in some mental abuse from an outdated school system and you get the gist of things.

      Dressing up and playing kinky games is just not on my radar, no matter how much it helps to relax MY mental state. That’s what I’m leaving in His lap … I guess we’ll see what happens. πŸ˜‰

      Like

  2. I’m sorry to hear about your struggles, and I wish I had some miracle advice or nice comfort for you. All I’ll say is that I hope you can find the balance and peace you are looking for πŸ™‚

    Like

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