I’m not entirely sure what this post is going to end up like, I normally save this kind of ‘brain down load’ for else where but I think this one might involve some kink and sex issues so it’s probably best here.
First off, Sunday night was a bust. It did not go well and He did just what I expected, nothing. After so long of ‘nothing’ I’m not entirely sure I want anything, truthfully.
A while ago i wrote about chastity and it not being a thing for me, well i was right. I haven’t had any ‘fun’ for myself in quite some time, i find i’m not really sure i care to right now. i find myself less and less turned on all the time, being touched doesn’t have the same effect on me as it did before. When things are ‘right’ the simplest of touches gets me just about over the top, now, well now i don’t seem to be reacting physically or mentally in any sort of sexual way. i’m getting to the point that i’m just pushing it out of my head and not even craving much of anything ….
The impact play, kink and spankings are all a thing of the past and i’m finding myself less and less drawn to it all the time. Out of sight out of mind as they say. i’ve had half a mind to simply empty the kink drawers and throw the whole lot away!
i know things are stressful and time is at a premium but there are things that could be done, and none of it is happening. None of it happens unless I start it, so what’s the point?
Everything in life is still the same, when it comes to daily things and over all strength He still takes the lead but sex …. well, honestly, it sucks! It’s not about me, it’s not about exploring my body and seeing what makes it tick. Frankly, it’s not satisfying …
The switcheroo? The kids have switched places, the youngest is now in school, half day anyhow, and the oldest has once again been pushed out. I’m not about to let him sleep all day so I get him up in the morning anyway. The result? No free time for me, no alone time, no privacy. I only get 2 days a week to play with now as it is but that has been taken away. Last fall i decided to take 6 months off to take care of me, i ended up getting a couple of weeks of 3 days to myself between 9 and 2. That’s all ….
The plan was to work on my physical health, take care of well over due doctors appointments, get back to working out and building strength (however much i can) and to play ‘make believe’ during the day where i could be His little submissive girl, waiting and responding to His every beck and call. A mental ‘break’ from the everyday. None of that happened …
Our kinky time is less and less, i’m not sure He’s much interested in it either. He certainly doesn’t make it a point to try and work on. i’m a pragmatic person, if there is no chance of something happening i’m not setting my sights on it just to be disappointed. For starters that’s simply not the way i work, i’m not an emotionally driven person. Secondly, the rest of life is so full of issues to be dealt with that stressing over a fantasy is simply a waste of time and effort. A waste that I can not afford.
To just add to the pile and put it over the top, my night sweats are back. Sleeping has always been an issue for me but now even if I do get to sleep i get woken up in a puddle of sweat or simply over heating. Do you know what lack of sleep does to a person? It’s not good.
Physical pain (not play related), night sweats, lack of sleep and no spankings or impact play to alleviate stress. No orgasms and no fun sex. Not cuffs or leashes and even the kinky ‘rules’ we had seem to be on hold. A ‘sexual submissive’, at this time I am not ….
I find myself getting short with the oldest, i do catch myself but i don’t like it. I also find my silly, fun and goofy side has taken a back seat, it’s all business, all the time.
Perhaps I should finally stop dragging my feet and take up kick boxing …. I have wanted to for some time but we had found other things to calm the savage beast that lives inside! *wink*
Whatever it takes …. because i love the adrenaline in my veins!