D/s, TPE, M/s = selfcare

In my own personal experience the dynamic that we are working out here began mainly as a product of my own self-care initiative. I hesitate to label it as any one dynamic because it really does encompass ideas from all areas of this spectrum, depending on our needs at the time.

The kinky sex and fun times I think are self-explanatory, who doesn’t want to get the most enjoyment out of their sex life? That part came first in our journey of discovery because it was the most obvious. We began by playing in the bedroom but quickly realized we wanted a bit more and decided to ‘practice’ from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon. That is where the real conversations began. The TPE involved more than just the bedroom at that time so the ground rules needed to be set out so that both of us knew just what was to be expected.

It was at this time we found an interesting site, or two, with ideas and expectations ….. interesting and informative but not exactly what we were looking for. More on that if needed just to explain our progression.

At first anything new we wanted to try was discussed before Friday and anything that came up over the weekend was left alone until Sunday afternoon, assuming of course it wasn’t a major issue. The idea here was to let The Bear practice letting out His dominant side without interruptions from me. Things causing any sort of mental or emotional turmoil were discussed right away however, we wanted to make things better not cause a drift between us! We have always had great communication between us, changing that now for the sake of a dynamic everyone was suddenly an expert in and it’s rules sounded ludicrous.

We did it that way for a few months and for us it was really good practice, especially since I do have a naturally dominant personality, it gave us time to figure out how two dominants coexist in what is now a power exchange.

We started slipping many of the non kinky things into the rest of our week very quickly, many of them already happened regularly anyway. I have always had a very old-fashioned ideal when it comes to manners and respect so many of the same things considered in most dynamics we read about were already in place. The difference for me was that The Bear now noticed them. Not only that but He realized that most homes don’t actually run that way …… my efforts in making Him happy and comfortable all these years were finally being noticed.

That looks awful in writing and I in no way mean that He wasn’t a kind and generous person through all the years because He most certainly was. But, time and outside responsibilities do tend to make you complacent and maybe even a bit blind to what you have. I’ll try to give an example:

I have always cooked dinner, pretty much every night and we always sit as a family. I know The Bear enjoys His meals and I know He appreciates a home cooked dinner but it wasn’t until after we started this TPE that He began saying things like ‘thank you for dinner beautiful, that was just lovely. Good Girl nijntje!’

Knowing that you are appreciated goes a long way towards building and keeping a happy life. It’s not that He didn’t appreciate it before but life does tend to take over at times and well, He didn’t know He was allowed to be proud of me in that way I guess. A strong, capable and independent kick @ss woman doesn’t need to be told you are proud of her for making such a good meal, right? That’s condescending and demeaning in today’s view …

Ah progress! Maybe for some it is viewed that way but I think it really depends on who it’s coming from and why it’s said. I personally love being appreciated for dinner just as much as I loved being appreciated for saving the company I worked for over forty thousand dollars in one simple discovery …. there is a difference between assuming that is all a person is capable of because of their gender and simply showing appreciation for any action large or small.

I also wait for Him to start eating before I do now a days, I used to do that before but when it was never noticed I guess I gave up on it. Now He sees me waiting patiently for Him to come to dinner, one small action that shows Him my respect and one more way He sees and appreciates my efforts.

Anyhow, what I found from this new dynamic we were testing was that it allowed me to stop being on top of everything for a while, it was my vacation time! The stress and responsibility of the everyday was beginning to wear me down then, our marriage really had changed from partners to me being the sole person in charge of everything and it was becoming truly exhausting.

I decided then that I was done martyring myself and that I needed to take care of me and my mental and emotional state as well or I wouldn’t be any good at taking care of anyone else any longer. Funny enough that easiest and most effective way to get myself some r&r and be ready to take on the world later was to simply stop, and put all the control in the arms of The Bear!

It was a bit of a shock to His system I’m sure at first but little by little He allowed His instincts to take over and little by little I got time to heal and come back to myself. I’m still a very dominant personality and I still have many things I forge ahead in daily but now the weight is shared, I have a partner again, one who can keep up with me!

When I sit down at the end of any given day I can put the weight of the world aside and just be. Some days when the stress is very high I can even pass it over to Him. My self-care …. the bonus is that He has regained His self-confidence. He trusts Himself again to do and be all I need of Him, there is a great deal of satisfaction in a job well done. I know that’s what I get when I’m on the ‘D’ side of my life.

So to me my power exchange is part of my self-care, it helps to calm and de-stress and it helps to give me the power to carry on. I got tired of doing it all, I gave some of it back to Him.

Respect, it shouldn’t require a ‘dynamic’.

In my opinion the world at large could use a lot more respect. There certainly seem to be a great deal of rude and self-serving individuals everywhere you look and I for one think it’s truly a sad state of affairs. Don’t get me wrong, there are not very many people who actually do gain my respect but that doesn’t mean I can’t act respectfully.

I hold very high standards for myself, it’s part of my dominant personality, it’s part of my personality in general. If you haven’t yet, go ahead and check it out, it will give you a better idea of my perspective. The point is that if they can’t meet me at the same standards of being and behaving than I really don’t have any way of finding that feeling of respect for them. That being said, the truth is that they likely will never know.

Behaving in a respectful manner is not because the other person deserves it, it’s because I demand it, of myself. Excuses like ‘they drive me crazy, they made me behave this way, they are stressing me out ……’ none of that matters in my book. There is only one person who controls the way I think and feel and behave, ME!

I read somewhere that someone was taking control of their behaviour by stepping away from a conversation when things got heated BUT worrying that perhaps it wasn’t a ‘submissive’ thing to do although it was something they needed their dominant to provide for them, time to process and calm down before continuing.

Personally I don’t find that counter productive to submission at all, I think more people should use that method in more of their daily lives, more of their relationships in general. The difference between the dominant side of my life and the submissive side to the Bear is simple:

The Warrior: I’m walking away now, and I will be back to this when I am ready. I suggest you calm yourself as well. 

The bunny: I’m getting pretty upset Sir and I need a moment to get my thoughts in order, please. 

As far as I’m concerned this is a good way to behave from both sides of the dynamic, and like I said before, anywhere you are dealing with another person. Patience, respect, humility, kindness, self-control, they belong on both sides of ‘the slash’.

TGIF! Love You Always, Sir ❤

Re-Blog – Sexual McCarthyism — domination submission

I believe we have a right to choose to go to work

I believe we have a right to choose to stay home

I believe we have a right to dominate in a consensual relationship

I believe we have a right to submit in one as well

I believe we are just as strong, figuratively, as any man

I believe we are just as capable

I believe we are just as equal

…. all of these things in a real sense, and in the eyes of the human race should be!

I also believe that a witch hunt helps no one.

Hope you enjoy this one …. I did.

You can find plenty of things to envy in America but not the “moral panic” emerging from time to time. After the Salem Chapel of the 17th century, after the Mccarthyism of the 1950s, today another hysteria has realized the USA moving slowly to Europe as well: the panic of sexual harassment.

via Sexual McCarthyism — domination submission

My nemesis, the snowblower! *chuckle*

I was having a quick conversation with a friend the other day and I made a joke, about the Bear and the snowblower. Now my friend took it as a bit more serious than I meant, more serious than it is for me anyway. It is a thing when it comes to couples in general so I thought perhaps I would try to write it and explain.

My conversation was about the play time with the snowblower and how it played out but you can switch out any ‘occasion’ here and it works the same way.

We have had a lot of snow lately so obviously one task that needs to be done is to clear it! When the Bear is home He gets to go out and ‘play’ with the new-ish snowblower to get the job done. Now a days because of my raynaud’s I get told to stay inside …… UGH *chuckle*

I’m getting used to it and I know it’s for the best so I will set my mind to other things I can accomplish around the house while He is out. Sounds basic enough, right? Most often I will try to judge just how long He will be away so that I can plan my time accordingly. When He is back in I want to be ready and waiting to greet Him without running about trying to finish up whatever it was I was doing. Basically I want to be sure to give Him my full attention when He walks through the door.

If He has been out working for a while I do like to surprise Him with maybe some fresh made soup and sandwich or a hot cup of coffee. Timing is everything here to make sure it’s all fresh and steaming hot ….. so far so good, right? 😉

The thing that turns it into an ‘issue’ is when He does things like He did the other day. He said He was going out to do the drive, I knew how long that should take so I could plan around that. I was pretty sure He would sneak in the neighbour’s as well since the fellow is working out-of-town and who wants to come home and not be able to get into the drive and house without first shoveling?? The Bear didn’t say that, but I know Him well so I guessed. *wink*

I went about making myself busy and sure enough He went across the street when He was done ours, I smiled, I knew He would and I was happy to have a caring partner. When He was just about finished up is when I started to make some ‘fun’ preparations to surprise Him with. And then I waited, and waited, and waited …….. what the heck??

So I look out the window to see that He is now doing a third driveway! LoL Now this person is out-of-town and I know they won’t be back anytime soon so doing the drive is nice, but not really necessary so I hadn’t accounted for that one! It also happens to be the size of our two combined, the amount of time away has just doubled! So much for me trying to plan around and maybe work in a surprise!

I just chuckled to myself and set to clearing things up …. no sense in waiting around that long, we’d be getting close to supper time by the time He came in and there would be other things needing attention. Oh well! He ended up clearing part of a fourth drive too BTW!

Now years ago this would have made me frustrated and even a bit angry. Angry that He wasn’t up front with me about just what it was He was planning instead of making it sound like He was just doing ours. I think many women go through that same thing and eventually just stop caring all together or turn ‘nagging’ as the saying goes, among other names ….. why does that happen, why does it matter?

It’s not that we want to know every detail of what you are doing and it’s not that we want to manage your time. What we want is to be able to plan and surprise you from time to time with a hot lunch or a hot something else ….. you fill in the blank! We want to find and plan things for ourselves to fill the time, and we want to be sure what we have decided on is done when you are. Done in time for us to devote our time and attention to you once you finally do come through the door.

When you come in more quickly than you said we feel guilty for still having things to do, when you come in much later than you said we feel neglected and like our time and energy planning to be with you doesn’t matter. In both cases the reason we get ‘b*tchy* is because we feel like we have failed, and we get angry because we wouldn’t have failed if you had been upfront.

The snowblower incident is not the norm around here anymore so I didn’t go through all of those emotions. The Bear and I have talked about all this in the past and He is now very good about calling ahead if He will be home sooner or letting me know He will likely be out longer. It’s not because He owes me any explanations, it’s because He respects my time and efforts towards pleasing Him.

So once in a while when that darn human condition sneaks back in I just tease Him about what a good surprise He missed out on!

I’m not trying to control anything, I just want to be my best for Him and having all the facts makes that easier.