D/s, TPE, M/s = selfcare

In my own personal experience the dynamic that we are working out here began mainly as a product of my own self-care initiative. I hesitate to label it as any one dynamic because it really does encompass ideas from all areas of this spectrum, depending on our needs at the time.

The kinky sex and fun times I think are self-explanatory, who doesn’t want to get the most enjoyment out of their sex life? That part came first in our journey of discovery because it was the most obvious. We began by playing in the bedroom but quickly realized we wanted a bit more and decided to ‘practice’ from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon. That is where the real conversations began. The TPE involved more than just the bedroom at that time so the ground rules needed to be set out so that both of us knew just what was to be expected.

It was at this time we found an interesting site, or two, with ideas and expectations ….. interesting and informative but not exactly what we were looking for. More on that if needed just to explain our progression.

At first anything new we wanted to try was discussed before Friday and anything that came up over the weekend was left alone until Sunday afternoon, assuming of course it wasn’t a major issue. The idea here was to let The Bear practice letting out His dominant side without interruptions from me. Things causing any sort of mental or emotional turmoil were discussed right away however, we wanted to make things better not cause a drift between us! We have always had great communication between us, changing that now for the sake of a dynamic everyone was suddenly an expert in and it’s rules sounded ludicrous.

We did it that way for a few months and for us it was really good practice, especially since I do have a naturally dominant personality, it gave us time to figure out how two dominants coexist in what is now a power exchange.

We started slipping many of the non kinky things into the rest of our week very quickly, many of them already happened regularly anyway. I have always had a very old-fashioned ideal when it comes to manners and respect so many of the same things considered in most dynamics we read about were already in place. The difference for me was that The Bear now noticed them. Not only that but He realized that most homes don’t actually run that way …… my efforts in making Him happy and comfortable all these years were finally being noticed.

That looks awful in writing and I in no way mean that He wasn’t a kind and generous person through all the years because He most certainly was. But, time and outside responsibilities do tend to make you complacent and maybe even a bit blind to what you have. I’ll try to give an example:

I have always cooked dinner, pretty much every night and we always sit as a family. I know The Bear enjoys His meals and I know He appreciates a home cooked dinner but it wasn’t until after we started this TPE that He began saying things like ‘thank you for dinner beautiful, that was just lovely. Good Girl nijntje!’

Knowing that you are appreciated goes a long way towards building and keeping a happy life. It’s not that He didn’t appreciate it before but life does tend to take over at times and well, He didn’t know He was allowed to be proud of me in that way I guess. A strong, capable and independent kick @ss woman doesn’t need to be told you are proud of her for making such a good meal, right? That’s condescending and demeaning in today’s view …

Ah progress! Maybe for some it is viewed that way but I think it really depends on who it’s coming from and why it’s said. I personally love being appreciated for dinner just as much as I loved being appreciated for saving the company I worked for over forty thousand dollars in one simple discovery …. there is a difference between assuming that is all a person is capable of because of their gender and simply showing appreciation for any action large or small.

I also wait for Him to start eating before I do now a days, I used to do that before but when it was never noticed I guess I gave up on it. Now He sees me waiting patiently for Him to come to dinner, one small action that shows Him my respect and one more way He sees and appreciates my efforts.

Anyhow, what I found from this new dynamic we were testing was that it allowed me to stop being on top of everything for a while, it was my vacation time! The stress and responsibility of the everyday was beginning to wear me down then, our marriage really had changed from partners to me being the sole person in charge of everything and it was becoming truly exhausting.

I decided then that I was done martyring myself and that I needed to take care of me and my mental and emotional state as well or I wouldn’t be any good at taking care of anyone else any longer. Funny enough that easiest and most effective way to get myself some r&r and be ready to take on the world later was to simply stop, and put all the control in the arms of The Bear!

It was a bit of a shock to His system I’m sure at first but little by little He allowed His instincts to take over and little by little I got time to heal and come back to myself. I’m still a very dominant personality and I still have many things I forge ahead in daily but now the weight is shared, I have a partner again, one who can keep up with me!

When I sit down at the end of any given day I can put the weight of the world aside and just be. Some days when the stress is very high I can even pass it over to Him. My self-care …. the bonus is that He has regained His self-confidence. He trusts Himself again to do and be all I need of Him, there is a great deal of satisfaction in a job well done. I know that’s what I get when I’m on the ‘D’ side of my life.

So to me my power exchange is part of my self-care, it helps to calm and de-stress and it helps to give me the power to carry on. I got tired of doing it all, I gave some of it back to Him.

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