Annoyed, but still respectful.

Today I find myself a bit annoyed with The Bear. Yes, I am allowed to have feelings despite being His submissive, it’s how I go about dealing with them that makes the difference!

I’ve tried to rationalize the issue but it’s not going away so I know I need to talk to Him about it. If I don’t talk about it, it will just simmer in the back ground. The next time something small comes up it will be made bigger than it actually is etc. etc. ….

The issue will keep growing and I will become resentful and probably mouthy. I will be eventually speaking in anger instead of sense and patience and what is right now just something small that needs to be vented will turn into some difficult times. So why would I want that?

The point of being His submissive is to go to Him when something is going on, not to keep things from Him. The fact that I know I’m going to talk about it already has me calmer, the fact that I know He will listen and understand my view is also making me calmer. Just knowing that I will be heard is already diffusing the situation ….

I’m not going to bug Him at work with it, it’s not an emergency. I’m not going to bother Him when He first walks through the door either. I will greet Him with a kiss and a smile, I’ll get His things put away and I will ask Him about His day. Sometime after He showers and maybe before dinner (it’s not going to be a long conversation I’m sure) or perhaps after dinner, I will let Him know something is bugging me and I’d like to tell Him about it and clear the air.

We will sit down, I will tell Him what I’m thinking and He will explain to me why or why not, or perhaps He will agree ….. regardless of how it plays out I will feel heard and my feelings validated and He will feel respected and understood.

I don’t think this is a D/s only scenario honestly, but it seems to be missing in a lot of other relationships that I hear about. The D/s part will be that I’ll be wearing His collar and sitting at His feet, everything else should be just the way of it in my opinion.

Respect is not a D/s only idea and it flows both ways ….

Love You Always Sir! ❤

Here we grow, again!

Lately things have been evolving here, changing/adding things that are fresh and new. It is keeping me riding a more high energy submissive wave for certain, keeping things more at the front of my mind instead of just a steady hum in the background.

Now there is nothing wrong with a satisfying undercurrent of domination and submission that flows through each and every day. There was nothing missing and no new needs to be met, this is just because! Because we have reached a spot in life that we are ready to evolve.

Most times when something is looked at and new ideas started it’s because I have approached The Bear and asked for more. This time it seems The Bear is adding and realizing new ideas and kinks on His own.

Will we always be changing? I don’t know, things were fairly well set for a while before and not too many more things are likely even possible, but you just never know. Perhaps once the house is our own again. 😉

The rush of ‘new’ is nice but I can’t deny that steady and strong has some serious appeal as well. Steady and strong has gotten us through some very stressful times over the past year. Steady and strong also creates balance so the ups and downs I read about are not an issue.

Enjoy where you are and what you have, don’t miss it just because you are searching for more. Don’t miss today because you are too busy wishing for tomorrow.

New rituals and experiences have their place but I for one will not hang my wishes on forever having to have that high rush of energy, it leads to some very painful crashes and disappointments when life comes calling and responsibilities need to be met first.

So we have added a few new things, well The Bear has added a few new things and they are all things that can be maintained no matter how hectic life can be. Slow and steady and important so they are never forgotten or pushed aside.

Years ago when we started down this road I used to try to jump ahead. More, more …. I wanted more and faster and more detailed. Just like everyone else, but The Bear had nothing to do with any of that. The result? We’ve never had to stop or set aside our commitment, we just keep getting stronger. And every so often he surprises me with something new! Or a few somethings ….. !  :O

Love You Always EMS! ❤

Limits

We all have them, if you say you don’t than you are kidding yourself. They are deal breakers, or things you simply can not do for mental or emotional issues. They can also be things that you can not live without. Technically speaking I suppose you could ‘live’ but you will be less than happy, less than fulfilled in your relationship. So what’s the point of doing this than??

Part of the reason to start this style of relationship was to do the best I could for my partner, to make His life happier and more fulfilled. The other part of this idea was because I was done being a martyr, not because I wanted to go back to it. This relationship is supposed to be better for BOTH of us, not just one.

Just as we as humans are unique so too are our limits. What works for one person or couple may not work well for someone else. This brings the idea of honest communication right up to the front. This also involves a bit of soul-searching and honesty with yourself.

Your partner might be reading or searching out ideas, they may have a mentor providing insight and customs but that doesn’t mean that they are all right for you! Know yourself enough to realize when something is just not ‘okay’ and be honest about communicating that to your partner.

Being submissive does not mean going along with every want or idea your partner has come up with. If it is simply not mentally or emotionally healthy for you it is your job to speak up and make that known. Don’t expect that they know what is going on in your head and don’t expect that they always know best or have all the answers. They are human after all. I don’t know about you but I have never met a ‘perfect’ human, no matter how well-intentioned.

Just this past weekend the Bear heard about an idea that I thought would have had red flags all over it as far as me and our relationship is concerned. To my very unexpected surprise He did not realize it that way. He knew it wasn’t something He wanted to do but He didn’t realize all the implications it held for me. We’ve been married over 20 years now and He is the only one who knows anything about the way my mind works but still He really had no idea. You just never know.

So I explained it to Him from my perspective, I told Him how I felt about it and what I saw as a repercussion to that action. I know myself well, in this case I would follow through with His wishes (had they been) because that’s what I promised to do, but that would have been the end of our deeper emotional connection.

To me the only thing submission has really changed is that I now go to Him for help and for emotional comfort, that would have been finished in one swift motion.

I don’t go to, rely on, or depend on anyone. I don’t make emotional connections, I never have, not since I was about 4. The Bear knows this, going to Him was a huge step and the reality of my submission. No one else knows or sees that side of me, He knows/sees that too, every time others are around.

Him not putting two and two together was a huge surprise but if I hadn’t said something about it this connection of ours would have been destroyed if he ever decided to get around to trying it.

It might work for others, it might even be fairly common but here it would have been the end of us. This is most assuredly NOT what He wants. Now He knows.

Yes I am His submissive but I’m not going to go along with every idea he might hear about or want to try, not when I know it will destroy us. I have a responsibility here too, He is only human after all. And He still can’t read my mind or my heart, go figure!

Love You Always, EMS! ❤

Why do I?

Why do I write? Well first I don’t consider this ‘writing’. I certainly would never call myself a writer of any sort!

But why do I write these words? I don’t, really.

I don’t write, I sit in front of the keyboard and my fingertips feel the keys below.

The feel of the keys opens the flood gates in my brain and the words flow down and out, the pressure is released and my mind aches less when I am through.

I don’t run out of thoughts but I do run out of time and I sometimes run out of words.

I have run into many thoughts and posts today focused around “why do I write’ and my instinct was that  I don’t know because I don’t call this writing. I use it to survive.

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This thought just didn’t fit, there was no room at the inn, so I had to get it out of my head! *wink* This seemed a good a place as any to place it.

Toys

Part of our arrangement has always been that at the end of play the one who cleans and puts away the ‘toys’ is me. The Bear will normally return the paddles, floggers and canes but anything that needs cleaning is up to me.

Sometimes things get put away relatively quickly after play and a bit of aftercare and other times I’m so spent and out of it that they wait until morning. The rule is that the toys must be cleaned and put away before I come downstairs to start my day.

Having to crawl out of bed after play and some downtime certainly plays on my mind and maintains the submissive feelings. Sometimes I’m still a bit spacey and don’t really think on it much but other times handling each toy and remembering or wondering ‘which part that was’ plays into the feeling of following and being under His control as well.

Some times I’m so spent that I can barely crawl out of bed to get my night collar placed, on those days the toys stay and wait until morning. The feeling of seeing them again after a good night’s sleep is a bit surreal because that normally only happens when I was ‘floating’ the night before and remembering is almost impossible! It quickly brings to mind the fact that I was completely surrendered and under His control.

When those mornings happen during the weekend I know I will find Him and be able to crawl to Him and be His once more but on the weekdays when He has gone to work this could quickly turn into subdrop! The feeling of seeing and cleaning the toys will quickly put me into ‘that space’ especially when I can hardly remember what happened.

This is more a word of advice for anyone reading, the Bear is very good at keeping in contact with me to be sure I don’t drop. When I’m not working I get tasks assigned that I report on keeping me from coming down to earth too quickly, when I am working I get told to wear His ring with constant messages throughout the day, even if He is busy. He can always find 1 minute to send a note even if He can’t wait around for a response.

Little things keep the flow and stop any bad feelings from forming or taking hold, but that’s another post.

So what about you guys? Who cleans the toys after you play? Do you have a rule? Do you find them to be a trigger like I do? Does it keep you feeling submissive/do you think it would keep you feeling submissive having to deal with them the morning after?

In my head …..

I find myself in my head more and more lately, it’s not a bad thing, I like it in there. I’ve always been afraid to just let go and enjoy the ride since we started this D/s thing that we are doing. Why? Well when I get in my head I get strong, really strong like a charge running through me, invincible, the warrior – truly!

The warrior is intimidating and one hell of a force to be reckoned with, not to be misjudged or taken lightly. She is what ensured my survival and got me to where I am. She is the real me, no question, no second guessing, no uncertainty. She is dominant through and through, and She is what the Bear needs to handle.

The Bear has always been strong enough to take it, I remember when we were first together my aunt would tell other guys who were interested in me that they weren’t good enough! LoL She would tell them not to bother because they weren’t strong enough to handle being with someone like me! I had a good hardy laugh when I found that out! She never said that to the Bear. My grandmother liked Him too, she approved. 😉

As time went on and I got older and more mature I got even stronger. Eventually I started taking on everything in life, our life, and the Bear began checking out. I got stronger and He got quiet. Eventually I was alone ….

We didn’t argue, we didn’t fight, we weren’t rude to each other, we just were no longer connected like we had been, like when we started. He no longer felt like the man of the house and I started feeling like I had a third child. NOT what we wanted! I’m pretty good a sorting things out so when I figured that out I decided we needed a change. That’s when I asked to try this on for size.

It was an interesting ride, back to where we came from and I have always tried not to be too strong because I didn’t want to tip the scales back in my direction. Old habits are hard to break especially ones that have been so well-practiced. Like I have mentioned various times, we didn’t have the manners and behaviour issues that were obvious and nagging or bitchy. The difference between asking and telling here is very subtle and I didn’t want to run the risk of slipping back, so I held back.

It’s been some time now that the Bear has taken control of us and things are now well-practiced I think. That would be why they got a bit lack luster and well, boring! I have never had issues that needed correcting, BDSM scenes are difficult to fit into our current situation, things just go on and ……. bleh! So we started adding some of the fun and ‘naughty’ back into life. *wink*

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So far so good, we seem to be adjusting to a more playful relationship and I seem to be finding finger prints more often! Hummm ….

I think what I’m saying is that I feel like I can let me be me again, with all my strength and all my heart and I don’t think I need to worry about pushing the Bear away this time.

I think He knows now that no matter how big and strong my voice I still want to listen to HIS!

I think this is why I have been allowing myself to get back into my head, I have been allowing myself to tap into and feel my natural strength without putting a lid on it, without holding back. I’m breaking all the chains …..

At home, out in the world, in ‘play’, the real me, all of me, free:

What Ever it Takes! 

Falling too fast to prepare for this
Tripping in the world could be dangerous
Everybody circling, it’s vulturous
Negative, nepotist

Everybody waiting for the fall of man
Everybody praying for the end of times
Everybody hoping they could be the one
I was born to run, I was born for this

Whip, whip
Run me like a racehorse
Pull me like a ripcord
Break me down and build me up
I wanna be the slip, slip
Word upon your lip, lip
Letter that you rip, rip
Break me down and build me up

Whatever it takes
‘Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do whatever it takes
‘Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains
Whatever it takes
You take me to the top I’m ready for
Whatever it takes
‘Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do what it takes

Always had a fear of being typical
Looking at my body feeling miserable
Always hanging on to the visual
I wanna be invisible

Looking at my years like a martyrdom
Everybody needs to be a part of ’em
Never be enough, I’m the prodigal son
I was born to run, I was born for this

Whip, whip
Run me like a racehorse
Pull me like a ripcord
Break me down and build me up
I wanna be the slip, slip
Word upon your lip, lip
Letter that you rip, rip
Break me down and build me up

Whatever it takes
‘Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do whatever it takes
‘Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains
Whatever it takes
You take me to the top, I’m ready for
Whatever it takes
‘Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do what it takes

Hypocritical, egotistical
Don’t wanna be the parenthetical, hypothetical
Working onto something that I’m proud of, out of the box
An epoxy to the world and the vision we’ve lost
I’m an apostrophe
I’m just a symbol to remind you that there’s more to see
I’m just a product of the system, a catastrophe
And yet a masterpiece, and yet I’m half-diseased
And when I am deceased
At least I go down to the grave and die happily
Leave the body of my soul to be a part of me
I do what it takes

Whatever it takes
‘Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do whatever it takes
‘Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains
Whatever it takes
You take me to the top, I’m ready for
Whatever it takes
‘Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do what it takes

Written by Benjamin Arthur Mckee, Daniel Coulter Reynolds, Daniel James Platzman, Daniel Wayne Sermon, Joel Little • Copyright © Universal Music Publishing Group, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC