I’ve become aware of some posts on chastity recently that have me thinking. I know it is not something for me, I know it would not enhance my submission it would actually reverse that process. I’m pretty hard-core so it did take an awful long time to happen, emphasis on awful, but it did happen that way for me/us.
Ours/mine was long before ‘D/s’ activities were heard of or experienced but it happened none the less. It happened because of life and lack of time and miscommunication, but it happened.
As I have tried to explain before, despite being very dominant in the world when it came to marriage and The Bear I have always treated Him in a way that is very conducive to a D/s relationship. To me it was just a very old-fashioned ideal that appealed to me, not spankings and kink but just the respect and commitment and my man being a ‘Man’. I’ll probably get blasted for saying things like that now a days but it’s my life so I decide!
Anyway, all of that was already in place, for me anyway. I have also always had a very high sex drive, being ‘satisfied’ doesn’t turn me into a disinterested and less than polite wife, it actually makes me more interested in both pleasing Him and being ‘available’. Basically the more I get the more I want …. more closeness, more goofy, more playful and more of Him. I’m more of that ‘submissive’ everyone talks about trying to be.
Some of the years before we embarked on this leg of our journey saw sex and play become a distant memory. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, I’ve already written about that so I won’t again but it went on for a long time. I had my fair share of chastity I can tell you and it didn’t make me want Him more, well at the very beginning maybe, but eventually it just became an unattainable dream and simply pushed out of my mind. Sex became something I didn’t even bother to pursue any longer.
Now being ‘this way’ with The Bear is hardwired into me but after a very long time even I started to think of things other than ‘The Bear’ first! I started making choices that were not based on what He might like or He might find pleasing, it became ‘what do I want ….”? After more than 15 years of putting Him first I stopped. I put my feelings away and went back behind my wall, even with The Bear.
Enter D/s exploration here. Obviously there were other things at play here as well, communication being one of them BUT I wanted better sex! More sex! Sex in general …. For me good sex releases all sorts of pent-up energy and frustration, it leaves me much more able to be patient and kind and less interested in being selfish in the day-to-day interactions.
On my dominant side, the one that deals with the world, it makes me stronger and calmer and more able to handle any dragon that happens to be flying over head. The warrior holds her shield and sword tall and straight and ready to take on any challenge.
On my submissive side, the one only The Bear sees, it leaves me willing and able to be just for Him. To focus on doing anything and everything I can to be pleasing and helpful and His submissive in any way He chooses. It also allows me to feel His, completely, so that I can get past the wall the world sees and come and sit at His feet.
So my thoughts on chastity? I think if it works for you and enhances your connection, your relationship, your life, than I think you should go for it.
For some of us however it doesn’t enhance anything. For myself it actually reverses everything I’m trying to accomplish by going down this path in the first place. Just because others are doing it and talking about it doesn’t mean we have to. 😉
Love You Always EMS! ❤
😉
nijntje & The Bear 
Your reasons against chastity are very similar to mine. I have always been against it, ever since I learned that most men wanted me as wank fodder and had no concern for my feelings or pleasure. My drive is high, and when I am satiated I am just as submissive as when I’m not. The only difference is that I’m not so overtly needy. HD isn’t so sure, he thinks I’ll be even more submissive to him when I’m relying on him for any possibility of release. While I do ask him for permission, he trusts me to obey but knows that if I really want to, I can orgasm any time I like. With a belt on, I don’t have that option, so it’s another layer of control for him. Thus my only hope is to beg and plead and be extra extra nice so he’ll take pity on me. (And he will at some point, he’s a sadist but he isn’t inhuman.)
I made the suggestion to explore chastity for a few reasons. One, I think it will help get me past this barrier in my submission that I have been experiencing. Chastity itself wouldn’t (being denied makes me weepy and petulant and sullen), but it’s a symbol of my resistance, and so I need to allow it to happen. Two, HD derives great enjoyment from my pleasure and orgasms, so I know it won’t be a long period unless we both agree to it. Three, he thinks I’ll enjoy it more than I think I will. I’m willing to try for him, because I know he’ll be pleased. Surely I can endure a day or two. 🙂
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Interesting …. so in your case chastity would mean that you would not orgasm without permission and without his initiating, not that you would never orgasm?
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I already don’t orgasm without his permission. Chastity would mean I wouldn’t be able to rather than him simply trusting me not to, so it would further his control. The belt is just the physical reminder that I am subject to his whim.
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You’ll have to pardon my ignorance, I don’t frequent BDSM/TPE sites so I really don’t know the accepted definition I suppose.
To me chastity means no sex. In this relationship context it would mean that sex was with Sir and for Sir, only. He would orgasm and receive pleasure and I would not, indefinitely. The above mentioned ‘wank fodder’.
That does not sound like what you are referring to hence my curiosity and questions. I’m not one to pry into the sex lives of others but I admit I am trying to understand just what this concept is I keep reading about.
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Ask away. Each couple tends to tailor words to suit their own relationship, so the definitions may not be concrete. That’s what chastity would be, with the addition of no orgasms for me. So basically how we live most of the month but minus any release, how we were before we figured out how orgasms work for me. For the duration of my incarceration (that’s how chastity seems to me), I would be unable to orgasm but he would be free to orgasm as much as he liked, as well as to tease and torture me as much as he could. Penetrative sex would be off the table but he would keep me in a perpetually-aroused state. He won’t keep me in chastity more than a few days initially, and only when he’s home (a week each month), so it wouldn’t be anything long-term. Being home so little, he wants to take full advantage of my body when he is here, so it isn’t like he would block himself for more than a day or two anyway.
The difference between chastity with HD and men in my experience who only cared about their own pleasure is that I would still have the emotional connection. HD thinks he can give me the “feel good” hormones in other ways (spankings, cuddles, etc) to keep my emotions balanced and keep me feeling loved and appreciated. He will only use chastity when he’s home so he can keep an eye on my emotions and make sure I’m coping well since his primary concern is my emotional and physical safety.
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Okay, I think I’m starting to put it together, thank you for taking the time! 🙂
I find you’re helping me not to second guess my view for my own sake/situation, which is nice because I tend to roll things around in my head endlessly! UGH
Due to circumstance (no intent) I tend to go weeks if not months at times without a proper “O”. I find I have to fight hard not to call it quits on D/s and throw in the towel. I have all the love and attention from The Bear but without the full, physical release I start to wall up, every time. Outside stressors start to matter more, every day life becomes more frustrating and/until ‘needy’ becomes less and less of my personality.
For me it leads me away from my submissive side and makes me walk back over to my natural dominance, outside and inside the home.
Thanks again! And good luck with your endeavor, I really hope it works the way you want!
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No problem! I don’t mind answering questions at all. 🙂
Lol. I’m glad I was able to do that. I know how vexing it is to constantly question and second-guess. HD tells me to stop thinking sometimes. 😛
I can understand. When HD and I first became sexually active in our relationship, I couldn’t orgasm in front of him or with him. Took about eight months for us to figure it out. This is one of the reasons I’m afraid of chastity…we worked so hard so I can orgasm with him, and chastity takes that away (in my opinion). If I haven’t had an orgasm in a while (like this week when I’m on Restriction), I feel a definite decline in my overall mood. I’m quicker to anger, more irritable, and have less energy. I feel sullen and petulant and not at all submissive…until HD starts teasing me to get me aroused and then I go into full Little mode. Begging and pleading and whining. I guess HD finds that to be more submissive than usual.
Thanks! I hope it does too, although I don’t want anything long term. A day, maybe two..fine. More than that? No no no no no no no.
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The topic in general is one I know well but my comment is more about what you wrote about you.
You are balanced. That balance is indeed important.
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Finding the right balance for each of us is the point after all, isn’t it? I’m happy, He’s happy and we both feel fulfilled, everything else is an interesting conversation for sure, but that’s where it can stay. 🙂
I like to look into all avenues and with this one I really wanted to make sure I wasn’t just deciding for Him or not willing to go ‘there’ for selfish reasons. I can see now that it is not the case, so I’m good.
Truth is with life the way it is and with me needing what I need to get a real ‘release’ it really only happens once every few months if I’m lucky. Seems like I’m experiencing much more ‘chastity’ than I first realized anyway! :O LoL Got a new post brewing on that one too ….
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