Limits

We all have them, if you say you don’t than you are kidding yourself. They are deal breakers, or things you simply can not do for mental or emotional issues. They can also be things that you can not live without. Technically speaking I suppose you could ‘live’ but you will be less than happy, less than fulfilled in your relationship. So what’s the point of doing this than??

Part of the reason to start this style of relationship was to do the best I could for my partner, to make His life happier and more fulfilled. The other part of this idea was because I was done being a martyr, not because I wanted to go back to it. This relationship is supposed to be better for BOTH of us, not just one.

Just as we as humans are unique so too are our limits. What works for one person or couple may not work well for someone else. This brings the idea of honest communication right up to the front. This also involves a bit of soul-searching and honesty with yourself.

Your partner might be reading or searching out ideas, they may have a mentor providing insight and customs but that doesn’t mean that they are all right for you! Know yourself enough to realize when something is just not ‘okay’ and be honest about communicating that to your partner.

Being submissive does not mean going along with every want or idea your partner has come up with. If it is simply not mentally or emotionally healthy for you it is your job to speak up and make that known. Don’t expect that they know what is going on in your head and don’t expect that they always know best or have all the answers. They are human after all. I don’t know about you but I have never met a ‘perfect’ human, no matter how well-intentioned.

Just this past weekend the Bear heard about an idea that I thought would have had red flags all over it as far as me and our relationship is concerned. To my very unexpected surprise He did not realize it that way. He knew it wasn’t something He wanted to do but He didn’t realize all the implications it held for me. We’ve been married over 20 years now and He is the only one who knows anything about the way my mind works but still He really had no idea. You just never know.

So I explained it to Him from my perspective, I told Him how I felt about it and what I saw as a repercussion to that action. I know myself well, in this case I would follow through with His wishes (had they been) because that’s what I promised to do, but that would have been the end of our deeper emotional connection.

To me the only thing submission has really changed is that I now go to Him for help and for emotional comfort, that would have been finished in one swift motion.

I don’t go to, rely on, or depend on anyone. I don’t make emotional connections, I never have, not since I was about 4. The Bear knows this, going to Him was a huge step and the reality of my submission. No one else knows or sees that side of me, He knows/sees that too, every time others are around.

Him not putting two and two together was a huge surprise but if I hadn’t said something about it this connection of ours would have been destroyed if he ever decided to get around to trying it.

It might work for others, it might even be fairly common but here it would have been the end of us. This is most assuredly NOT what He wants. Now He knows.

Yes I am His submissive but I’m not going to go along with every idea he might hear about or want to try, not when I know it will destroy us. I have a responsibility here too, He is only human after all. And He still can’t read my mind or my heart, go figure!

Love You Always, EMS! ❤

4 thoughts on “Limits

  1. Agreed! Hard and soft limits are crucial for psychological health and happiness. I’ve never understood people who said they have no limits, or “masters” who say that they set the limits for their partners. Absolute BS. Drives me batty.

    Some limits are able to be (gently) pushed and explored, some are not. Your post just shows that even knowing someone for twenty years doesn’t mean it’s possible to know everything or every reaction, and underscores the continued need for open communication. I’m glad you were able to share with him so he knows how you feel, and that he was receptive and understanding. It really speaks to the strength of your relationship.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks HH! I agree, it is BS to say you have no limits and very unhealthy at that! One of the reasons I don’t like using terms or labels associated with BDSM and TPE, I wouldn’t want to be confused with that way of thinking.

      Not only is there no way of knowing or remembering everything, we are also always changing and evolving. Without honest communication our partners have no chance in staying up to date and in turn taking the best care possible.

      And thank you, if I thought for one second I couldn’t speak to the Bear and be listened to and accepted I would very quickly end this. It frustrates me the amount of times I have seen subs scared to speak because it is not welcomed or is taken offensively, that too is BS!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ve never understood the couples with no limits. That just doesn’t sound safe or fun. It sounds scary! I’ve seen the arguement for no limits being that there is enough trust between them that they don’t need limits…. Its good to know you trust someone not to push you too far, but they cannot knoe what “too far” is without limits.
    I trust Sir not to push me. Sir trusts me to share with him what would be taking things too far. Personally, I think it requires more trust to set a limit and trust it will not be broken than to have no limit at all. It also gives a peace of mind because you know the things that make you horribly uncomfortable are not even on the table.
    I’m glad you and the Bear are able to talk about things and he is willing to listen and understand your side of things 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree with your idea that it takes more trust and honesty as well to talk about and set limits. Some might be pushed (soft limits) and some are completely off the table and that takes real conversations and real commitment and trust, not the other way around.
      Personally I think if you are of the mind set that you really have no limits and are willing to suffer anything for the sake of the dominant than you have some serious emotional issues that should be looked at and dealt with. I’ve seen too many absolutely miserable submissives who go along with it because the DOM says so even though it causes great emotional and mental anguish, that is abusive in my book, plain and simple.
      Thanks for chiming in bluebird! The truth is that without limits discussed and safewords in place The Bear wouldn’t even consider this type of relationship, how else is He to rest assured He is never hurting me in any real sense?? 😉

      Like

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