I’ve been reading as usual and something I read has led me to this post. Now, it’s not that I disagree with what I read it’s just that there are always more than just one side to things and since this subject happens to relate very closely to my own life I thought I’d chime in, again. I have touched on this before on the blog and now here is yet another way of going about it.
I think the fact that I am in a TPE relationship is obvious, and I’m pretty sure that the fact that I enjoy BDSM is also obvious. I haven’t hidden the fact that I have in the past struggled with self harm and mental health issues. Obviously you don’t start hurting yourself if everything is fine and dandy with your mental and emotional state.
What I’m not sure is understood, especially by those of you newer to the blog is that I did not participate in either of these things before my mental and emotional well-being was stable. Heck it isn’t just stable, it’s kick @ss and strong!
When I was still figuring things out the last thing I would have been able to do was be part of a D/s relationship or ‘play’. As a matter of fact I found both of those things to be very much a turn off! It was most certainly not something I would have considered and as a matter of fact any mention of submitting to a husband in any respect was cause to send me into an all out rant. I was young, the people in my life were not very healthy and I was not with The Bear …. and any of what I am doing now was completely outrageous to me.
By the time I did meet and marry the Bear I was ready to follow Him but still no labels or symbols were used. I’m certain that it would have gone very sideways, very fast. Accepting anything that sounded like submission didn’t come into play until long after all my demons were slayed.
Why am I talking about this now? Well there is a school of thought that says D/s or BDSM practitioners have had or do have trauma and issues to deal with and that is why they crave the activities they do. I’m sure that there are many times that that statement holds true however, there are also many times that it is perfectly normal and natural to enjoy what we enjoy and pain and suffering of the past really has nothing to do with it. For every article saying it does, there is another saying it doesn’t, or at least it doesn’t have to.
The fact is that when I was still struggling and if I was still struggling the last thing I would do is D/s or BDSM, truth is anything related to that would receive a punch in the face from me! The only reason I want and crave the life I have now is because I no longer have the pain of the past to mask and complicate my life.
So yes for some it is a need brought on by trauma, but for others it’s just a natural and perfectly normal way of living, especially when done in a happy and mentally healthy environment. There are always two sides …..
Just because we like it doesn’t mean we’re broken. Some of us like it because we’re ‘fixed’! *wink*
nijntje & The Bear 
Thanks for writing this, nijntje. I think I really needed to read second opinions on this topic. And especially today.
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I didn’t want to hijack your post and I didn’t want to down play the issues and traumatic events that can come into play but I did want to say that what we do is perfectly normal as well, and it doesn’t need to be ‘fixed’ in every case.
Just because you still want it doesn’t mean you haven’t overcome, maybe you just like it. That’s okay too! *wink*
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Thanks! I do love it a lot 😊 sometimes I just resent the fact that the assault might have contributed to my liking it. I just want to like it purely cos I like it. (If that makes sense.) Like I want to own that I love it and I want it. And I struggle to accept that the violation early on might have even a tiny part to play.
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It might have, but it might have nothing to do with it as well. Don’t forget ‘that’ part of the equation as well. Many people are doing it and not all of them suffered the same trauma.
The fact that my traumatic childhood turned me against it has to be part of the equation as well. If you can put your past in the past and still enjoy what you’re doing, than do it! 😉
Most ‘normal’ people I know are pretty unhappy, what about you? lol
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Good point! I feel like I am pretty happy when I don’t have my storms. But my mood goes up and down heaps in an unpredictable way so it’s hard to gauge.
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The outside of storms part is probably a good start, and just keep an open mind to the rest. Sometimes things are not what they seem, and if it makes you happy – who cares where it came from anyway?
We are all products of our life’s travels, some good, some not so good. It’s part of that darn human condition again.
Just a crazy though but have you ever thought of writing ‘him or her’ a nasty letter and telling them right off? And then perhaps burn it up and let it go …. I found personally that allowing myself to feel anger without feeling guilty for it was a huge step to getting over my worries. And since you’ve embraced the time and place for swearing anyway …. I’d say this would be a good one! (Sorry if I’m over stepping here)
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“if it makes you happy – who cares where it came from anyway?
We are all products of our life’s travels, some good, some not so good. It’s part of that darn human condition again.”
– ❤️ this. Was just thinking along this line too.
“Just a crazy though but have you ever thought of writing ‘him or her’ a nasty letter and telling them right off? And then perhaps burn it up and let it go …. I found personally that allowing myself to feel anger without feeling guilty for it was a huge step to getting over my worries. And since you’ve embraced the time and place for swearing anyway …. I’d say this would be a good one! (Sorry if I’m over stepping here)”
– I love this idea! Haven’t tried it before because I felt like I deserved the assault. But I think I might be in the space to do this now.
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Go for it! It worked for me, it worked for a friend and it’s working for my son.
You didn’t deserve the assault and you have every right to be angry. You can be a good person AND be angry because you were wronged. It’s okay!
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People (on average) do not “deserve assault”. Were I to walk in on a pedophile, they would get the “assault” they deserve. It would be justified however.
It may help (if applicable) to compare the situation to this scenario. A person is a true car enthusiast, a real gear head, and they get struck by a car while crossing at a crosswalk. Is it wrong for them to attend a car show five years later? Not the same thing but I hope the analogy makes sense.
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One bad experience should not stop you from doing what you love, perfect point!
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We all have regrettable moments. They differ in size and shape but the constant is the impact and the power we assign it.
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Hi Nijntje. Thanks for writing this. When two people are fully committed to a D/s or TPE relationship, there is stability and consistency.
These are important for sanity. For those healing, those healed, and those looking for something more. Stability and consistency equates to feelings of safety.
In my D/s I know what to expect. I know how each night will end. I know what is expected of me, and what will happen if I don’t do it. It helps me stay focused and grounded, and from what I’ve read in other blogs, its a common feeling.
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Yes very much so! It’s the safety and security that comes from the honesty and open communication that is required in these types of relationships.
That’s not to say that only TPE relationships have that trust, they just can’t really exist without it, not well anyway. But then, that could be said for any relationship. 🙂
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