By Jove, I think we’ve got it! ;)

Lots of things have been worked on (again) and changing (again) around here! The first is that some of the bustle of the everyday has finally calmed down. The stress over certain things has not but it has become much easier for me to deal with, we’ll get to that.

The second is that I have a friend that I rely on to be a sounding board for my crazy or in-depth thoughts and he is always patient and kind but also realistic, truthful and mostly wise! See I’m what they call a ‘ruminater’, I play conversations and situation over and over again in my head for hours and even days at a time. I have found that when I do this it’s because I’m looking for an answer, to something …. it’s not always obvious what or why but I do know that once I’ve figured it out the whole cycle stops! Having this reliable sounding board is a gift to be certain! Thank you Friend! ๐Ÿ˜‰

So I mentioned to him that I have an “Ask and ye shall receive’ type relationship. There really is nothing the Bear won’t do for me but of course He still can’t read my mind, especially this warped one! *chuckle* So he tells me to Ask Him!! ๐Ÿ˜› Of course I know this but it’s really very difficult for me to do, I have finally figured out why!

I used to think it was some submissive myth that was getting me, some idea that you should not ask for what you need, that making your wants clear and known would be topping … blah, blah, blah! Truth is I know that’s not true, I’ve written and counseled others about that many times. Trying to work it out that way didn’t work because that wasn’t the answer.

We had a rescue pup over for a ‘play date’ with my dogs the other day. She is cute as a button, very well-behaved for a pup and has never really been cared for properly. She is skin and bones and probably much smaller than she should be from being malnourished and locked up. So she came over for some rehab, she’s doing great but she doesn’t bark, ever!

This got us on a conversation about why, she likely never got a favourable response from barking so she stopped all together, much like what they say about orphans. They don’t cry because it never got a response to meet their needs. So they remain silent.

My gosh, that’s it! I don’t ask for things, not because I think I shouldn’t or that it’s wrong but because it is ingrained in my system that asking for what you need DOES NOT produce favourable results, it does not work. This is what life taught me, this is what I need to reprogram.

Second conversation, ‘Active submission only works when it is noticed and appreciated’ – Absolutely, like when I …. umm, … what have I been doing lately to be actively fueling this fire?!?! Hummm

The lil’ rabbit is great when all is well and according to plan, but for this I needed my warrior out to play! I got myself up off my duff, shook off the dust and put the feisty back in play! The Bear prefers to have a feisty, spunky fireball to control anyway!

So about 2 weeks ago I told Him I was done with all this D/s crap! Hey I’m not the only one in this relationship, He has some responsibility here too. I figured if He really didn’t want to do this than I just gave Him an out and I could go back to taking care of me, no more waiting around …. I don’t ‘wait around’ well! I’m a doer!

Well that did it, I guess He wanted this more than He thought He did ….. that woke the Bear out of hibernation!

I took this past weekend to push everything aside but me and Us! Got my attitude back and started talking and asking and doing! *giggle*

I was laid out last week with a horrible throat infection, the Bear is sick this week with something also – so far the fires are burning strong despite the lack of energy. All the ‘stuff’ from before is still here but it is no longer suffocating us.

I need to keep the balance between the warrior and the bunny, I can’t be just one. And with that hangup figured out it should be much easier to do now!

Better look out Bear, the bunny’s got fire in her eyes now! ๐Ÿ˜› *raspberries*

Today

Today was just one more day of the many that we have tried to take ‘off’ from work and life in these past few months.

Today was just one more day that got over run by things and responsibilities and serious issues needing solving or attention.

I don’t remember the last time the Bear and I got any time, any day, more than just a few minutes to ourselves – in private.

We might not always be ‘busy’ but we are never alone.

Today however, despite all the interruptions and responsibilities, I got to be His. Today I got to be nijntje. Today I am me.

We’ve been working hard at getting back to where we are both happy, we have been working hard at putting the focus back on us, even when the world is crashing down ….

Thank you My Love, Thank you My Bear, Thank you My Sir! โค

Naughty Rabbits have more fun!

Trying something new ….

Like I said in the last post, the Bear really would be quite happy to have a SAM to ‘handle’. Now becoming nijntje has made me tap into my silly, goofy and playful self that I had put ‘away’ many years ago but I have never been ‘disrespectful’ inย any manner, not even in play. By that I mean if the answer is no, than it’s no, you don’t push further or try to convince or whine your way around it, you just accept it and move on. Even if we are in the middle of a goofy fun time if He says anything that sounds like stop, I stop …. problem is sometimes He just wants me to push Him a bit further so He has a ‘reason’ to control me.

Is this making any sense at all or am I just totally off the rails here? I haven’t been in trouble of any sort in well over 2 years and that was basically a totally mental break down, not exactly a daily occurrence. I pretty much do more than expected all the time, I have exceptionally high standards and I am very much a perfectionist. (Don’t worry, it’s not a crack against anyone. It’s really not as glorious as one might think!)

So what does this mean? Well there is nothing to ‘fix’, nothing to ‘address’, nothing to ‘correct’. Nothing to get the sparks flying! In a nut shell, I’m boring to control! ๐Ÿ˜›

So this new thing, I am going to try to be more *naughty* and give the Bear something to command over. All of this is with permission and an obvious *stop now* system is going to be in place to be sure I stop before it becomes real trouble! I DO NOT LIKE TROUBLE! This is just another version of play …. there can be corrections and eyebrow raising *giggle* without any real trouble in sight. Should keep the Dominant charge going I would think. The poor Bear was getting bored waiting for something to take ‘care of’ and had decided to hibernate I think!

The other plus side of this type of play for us is the sights and sounds triggers that we had to stop due to family circumstances should not be an issue.

As a submissive THIS is what I find to be work because it is outside my nature and even outside of my comfort zone but it is fun and well worth the effort, so this is what we are going to try!

Yesterday morning when the Bear was just getting out of bed we sat and talked and I had my hand draped over Him for a bit and then started rubbing His arm for a bit. He nicely asked me to stop, it made His arm itch the way I was doing it, soooo …… *giggle* I went and rubbed it again! ๐Ÿ˜‰

I couldn’t see the spark in His eyes because it was 4 am and very dark but I sure as heck heard it in His voice and felt it in His hand when He grabbed my arm and said ‘STOP was the order nijntje’! He wasn’t angry (He doesn’t get angry) but He was certainly in control! *giggle*

Later I woke up to a note letting me know that my back side would make amends for the lack of listening as soon as it was possible. ย Maybe this being *naughty* thing is going to work out after all! ๐Ÿ˜€

Again, this is ALL PLAY! We have discussed it, agreed and have safeties in place to make sure both know when play time is over and time to behave is now.

Now let’s see how much naughtiness this lil’ rabbit can come up with!!! *giggle*

 

Little symbolic things

The Bear and I have been bounced around in this roller coaster ride of life for a few months now. Life for me, for us and for the kids has been pretty crazy.

You all know how much I love labels! (Sarcasm, in case you are new.) Well there have been so many names, labels, and words of all types bouncing from side to side that my mind is numb!

Despite the over abundance of names and labels however, the one name I rarely heard was mine, was nijntje! The less I heard my nijntje, the less likely it was that nijntje was going to be standing by and waiting to be lead. I’m not talking days or even weeks, I mean 6 months or more.

You see, when Sir says nijntje I know He sees me, I know He is in the right state energy wise to do what I need Him to do in order for me to be able to follow. No, I don’t have a bunch of expectations when it comes to play, or rewards or doing things for me every time I turn around. I do however need to know that He is paying attention and that I am still on the priority list.

I’ve said before, my level of patience is sometimes more of a curse than a gift. I don’t start to get angry or hurt or worried or upset, I don’t lash out or quit doing or trying my best. No, I just keep on giving, I give and give until I’m running on fumes and then I scrape the bottom to try to give some more. It’s by this point that something might actually come out. When all other options are exhausted and I am on empty.

I am a natural dominant personality in life, when I decide to take on a role, any role in life I won’t give it any less than my best, always and no matter what. This to me is no different. Perhaps that’s why when I crash I spin even further out, because I have put myself out there just as far as far can be.ย 

Anyhow, lately things have been crazy and I have felt less and less like nijntje and more and more like just me. Me takes care of her own stuff, bothers no one, asks for nothing and picks everyone else up in the mean time. This is where my two worlds collide. When things are going smoothly I can run around in my super cape by day and rest and recuperate at His feet by night. But nijntje was not called on to be or do anything …. so she went away, or considered it anyway.

We have always had a strong relationship, best friends really and always looked out for each other. Sir started getting distant when He felt less than in control, so I gave Him that control. He deserved it, I don’t need it – great fix! right??

Well, almost. As I got deeper into this I found that I could and genuinely enjoyed letting Him be responsible for my needs in other areas too. ย These smaller actions are the ones that often get left behind when life gets busy, but these are also the things that I, as a perfectionist, need in order to keep relying on someone. (We’re diving into my psyche here, you might want to jump ship or grab a helmet.)

I can follow the Bear to the ends of the earth and back, I can happily let Him take control of all avenues of life and I will follow any rule and protocol without issue. I will never misstep, I will never misbehave, it’s just the way I am wired. BUT (here’s the thing that you will really get, or really not) if I don’t truly rely on Him then I will forever be ready to step up and take over the second the ball gets dropped. When I’m in that mind-set there is no sub drop, there is no worry or angst or any other emotion that goes along with it. I’m a dominant at heart, I step up and I take on the responsibility whatever it might be. No question, no complaint, no trauma. And never any rest that comes as a side effect of submission.

Patience makes me wait too long to speak up, integrity makes me keep going even if things are no longer even, I gave my word. ‘nijntje’ makes me give it all over to the Bear.

I need to learn to be less patient ….. How often have you heard that said?

** On a side note: The Bear would be better suited with a SAM which is ironic because I’m a smart donkey to everyone else! Maybe I need less patience and less perfection in my life! ๐Ÿ˜‰ *giggle*

Don’t think on this post too long folks, it makes your head hurt, I know! ๐Ÿ˜›

Journey to becoming nijntje …

Originally Posted December 2015 – I’m currently running on empty, but this was always a good one! Enjoy!

I feel like we’ve been doing this dance a long time now Sir. For a long while I was dancing alone, practicing the steps but they were going unnoticed. Eventually you started to drift away, you got deaf to the music I guess ….. it was nothing more than back ground noise and you tuned me out.ย I guess I was left with a decision to make, let the music die or turn it up ….

 

I can’t say I understood just how much these things I read about would affect you. I thought the kneeling and collars and such were all very cute and great to incorporate into our kinky play time but I really didn’t think they would hold such a high value in your eyes.

Since the beginning I have treated you with respect, always tried to be honest and never wanted to hurt your feelings. I always picked my words wisely, I know how what you say and hurt someone and I’ve always believed in being kind; but still you drifted away….. I never tried to be better than you and I have always put your needs first. Some how in there you got the idea that I was better than you? Too strong to need anyone, even you?

The entire time when I was trying to handle everything and make it easy for you I think I was actually tearing you down and making you feel redundant maybe? I know you started to resent me, even if it was at an unconscious level, but you did. I could feel it in the way you talked and walked around me, or cursed under your breath. Those were not good days, those were the days that made me search for the answer ….

You weren’t the only one changing, I started to get mouthy with you, I was lashing out in anger to cover my hurt. My moment of crisis was when I realized I was planning my day without a thought to what would please you most….After almost 18 years of thinking of you I had just made a decision without putting you first. I was immediately so uncomfortable I was crawling out of my own skin. Something had to change and I knew it had to be me.

I know you were very uncomfortable the first few times I knelt for you, you likely didn’t think you deserved the honour. It was a strange time for both of us. I had just realized I needed more from you and you were just getting the message that I did need you. I think it was the first time I actually told you out loud that I valued your opinion and needed your support. I’m not sure if you really believed it but I know you do now!

The more I am honest with you and give my problems over to you the stronger you get. The more I let you help me and take over the less stressed you seem to be. The more I trust you to take responsibility the faster you rise to the challenge. The moral of this story is that me doing everything was not making you happy, me letting you do your job does. The kneeling, the collar, the sitting at your feet and all the rest simply shows you I still need you to guide me and I think that is what you really enjoy about the gestures.

 

 

I was dancing alone for so long and when it comes right down to it, it was my own fault.

All I had to do was ask you to join me ….

 

Party prep – D/s funny

So the Bear and I have a very large group of people coming to our home on Saturday for a party. It will be outdoors, a yard party so lawn chairs and cushions and all that fun stuff. Stuff that normally gets stored in the garage.

So as we are going through the last-minute to do list we realize that we should probably remove all the ‘toys’ and storage ottoman from the garage in case someone forgets their own and needs a chair or something!

I wonder how many of our many many guests would have ever needed to do that?!?! *giggle*

I suppose the hooks and such from the ceiling can be excused? Can’t they??? *chuckle*

Happy Tuesday!

Screw the roses …..

Lots of interesting things happening lately, for one my home/work schedule has changed drastically. I have lots of time on my hands, much more than what I’m used to. It’s not that I don’t have lots to do still it’s just that those things are of a different nature entirely.

The first big thing I noticed is that I have driven twice this week! That’s probably the same as the times I’ve driven up until now this year! I don’t honestly think I had driven more than once … Sounds silly doesn’t it? What’s that got to do with anything?

Well, I’ve sat in the driver’s seat, adjusted the mirrors and chair … opened my own door, both car and house! And then all the same things again in reverse to get back home. For me that’s a big deal.

As a result when I went out again with the Bear on Tuesday night and when we were to return home I walked up to the car, opened my door and stepped in, sat down and latched my seat belt. By the time I looked up and turned there was a very confused Bear outside my car window ….

It shows how quick I move from following to leading in my brain I guess.

The last few days I’ve started writing thoughts and ideas out again for the Bear since things in my day have changed so drastically and He has implemented some new things to my day. I guess we’ll see what happens.

The past few days has had my bunny brain bouncing all over the place …. I tell you one thing, I do not envy the Bear’s job right now!