It really drives me crazy when I see and read people trying to hide their thoughts and emotions from their partners or when submissives are told that they are not allowed to have emotions. Real life has real issues and needs real conversations and communication to succeed. I wrote this 2 years ago as well but I just needed to get it back out there again.
The example about dinner btw was brought about from trying to explain to a fellow submissive at the time that just because her husband forgot to order something didn’t mean she had to freak out and stress over it. Just talk for heaven sakes … and I don’t mean at your ‘down time’ in three days, dinner is tonight! And every night …
There are a lot of interesting people out there with a lot of interesting ideas – you don’t need to take their word for it, this is your life!
Being submissive doesn’t mean you don’t have emotions and it doesn’t mean you hide them until some crazy set aside time when you are allowed to feel. Yeah I know, that’s what they do in the books, that’s what the ‘meet you two weeks from today’ players do, but that does not work very well if you live together and see each other every time you turn the corner. (I’ve even heard it said you should work on hiding your facial expressions, really? Poker anyone?)
If you only see your spouse part-time because they are often away I suppose you could work that dynamic, you have plenty of free time to think and calm down in between visits. But what if something is bothering you now, and you need to go get ready for your bed time soon and no ‘downtime’ is scheduled for 2 more days? You ask clearly for a ‘downtime’ because you really need one and He/She says no. I know, I know a good dominant is going to see that need and follow through, because they are infallible and always do the right thing and never let their emotions get away with them, right? So back to real life ….
Yes you need to communicate and yes you need to be respectful but it needs to be effective and timely. The best way to have effective communication is to first know what the actual issue is! Own it, own your feelings …. they don’t need to be logical, they don’t need to make sense, they are feelings and the only thing required to make them real is that you have them. Once you stop trying to figure out why you can’t shove them aside you can start to try to understand what it is that makes you feel this way. Here comes that honesty again, the hardest part of the dynamic (or as I like to call it, life). What are you really upset about? The first person you need to be honest with is yourself.
Warning! If you are not used to thinking in this way you will likely make up a bunch of excuses or plausible reasons even for yourself! These will be things to help you come to terms with your feelings, make them seem reasonable and unselfish. Make you seem like the Mother Theresa that you are …. I know I’m not. Don’t feel bad, it’s just a coping mechanism we learn as toddlers to help us deal with our black and white views of right and wrong. Totally different blog but the point is it’s normal! All you need to do now is learn a different way of thinking, of being honest with yourself.
As for being done in a timely manner, well I have long found that it is not what or WHEN you say something but HOW! I made the mistake of thinking maybe I was doing it wrong and maybe I should wait until a prescribed hour in order to communicate with Sir/my husband. All that came of it was that I didn’t address the issue that was bothering me and it festered. He didn’t realize I didn’t respond well to whatever it was and repeated it. Well I couldn’t just ‘talk’ to Him, my goodness that would be the end of the dynamic! It needs to wait, has to be timed out, etc etc …. needless to say small non issues got mixed up with frustration and created a bigger more problematic situation that eventually lead to anger and spiraling of emotions all before He ever had a clue what was going on or that it needed to be fixed!
So now I just state that ‘I haven’t received other instructions so since I’m going to be short on time tonight could you please pick up dinner Sir?’ The answer back to this type of situation is normally ‘Oh that’s right,… What would I do without you nijntje? I will take care of it, thanks for reminding me.’
I suppose I could just run around frustrated and angry trying to put something together last minute and tell Him how upset I was that He forgot I was short on time Tuesday when I speak to Him on Sunday night, and ask Him to please come up with a way that He can keep track of all my scheduling changes so we have dinner figured out for next time. I wouldn’t want to run the risk of having Him find out that He is still human and can still make mistakes even though I have now started calling Him Sir! My goodness the entire D/s world might just fall apart! LOL
My point is if you are able to keep your emotions in check and are reasonable about what time is appropriate and what is not, then go ahead and talk. You both need to be in the right mindset, but if there is nothing else in the way why not sort it out …. small things tend to become bigger things if you have to pretend to have no thoughts until some ‘downtime’ down the road because someone else said so.
Learning to communicate with empathy, manners and respect is definitely needed but D/s does not have the monopoly on being a good person. Pick up any human psychology or sociology course text book, it was spelled out long before FSOG made it a work of fiction. At least the text books are realistic ….
I’m not interested in ‘orchestrating’ my life to fit someone’s fictional book(s) – I’ll just live and enjoy my life.