Originally written November 1, 2015. I had a conversation that brought it to mind, instead of rewriting the same issue, I’ll just re-blog! 😉
One of the major components of our D/s relationship is honest and effective communicating of wants and needs on both sides. It would be nice to say there were no issues that needed resolving but that would be unrealistic and false. The only time I have known people in close relationships to have absolutely no issues big or small was when they stopped caring.
As human beings we are bound to have differences of opinions or desires from time to time regardless of how much we care for or want to please each other. So as a submissive how best do you communicate those needs/issues with your Dominant? I do mean how best because it is important that you do! Any Dominant who does not want to hear your true thoughts or feelings on an issue that is bothering you that much probably doesn’t deserve the title. Quite the opposite, I would expect a true dominant to be quite put off and probably somewhat upset to find that you had been withholding feelings of such importance. (But that is another post entirely.)
So how to communicate ….everyone has their strengths and weaknesses but I have found a few key points that have helped me in all relationships to be truthful.
Part 1 – First off I try to identify what I am truly feeling. Is the communication about physical actions or is it more of an emotional situation that is causing the stress?
Is it really something you need changed or is it the way you look at the situation that requires changing? Either way talking about it is definitely going to help but you need to go about it properly.
My first step is to try to write down the thoughts and feelings going through my head so that I can attempt to make some sense of them. Just by putting them down on paper usually helps to start to identify the real issue or if it is even an issue. There is a real connection between writing and your brain/thought process. I would suggest trying it to anyone.
Once your ideas are on paper try going back over them and deciding which ones are actual issues and which were just due to emotional overload. You might be surprised the things you ‘say’ when you are emotionally charged. (You may have to wait a while between writing and ‘editing’.) Once the issues are identified try your best to figure out why it is you are feeling that way. This requires brutal honesty on your part. Are you putting too much emphasis on something or over thinking something and turning it into a problem? Is it possibly just your perception that is making something an issue and maybe the other person is not at all intending it the way you are taking it? Once you are done with all the ‘editing’ of your list now is the time to talk about it.
Inform your Dominant that you have an issue you need his help with. Let him know that it is important to you and that you require their help and attention. Then patiently wait for them to be ready to talk to you as well. (It is not fair for them to put you off indefinitely but they may need some time to get into a proper mindset.) You may even want to offer them your written thoughts to go through so that they might prepare and digest the information before dealing with you face to face.
Once your conversation starts make sure you phrase everything as calmly and non accusingly as you can. Starting anything on the attack is only going to cause the other person to either shut down or fight back. Neither of those are going to solve your issues so why bother. If you are not ready to be calm and polite then the conversation should wait. Likewise if you find yourself getting too emotional during the conversation you will need to call a time out. Try to be honest but kind about what you are feeling and do put it in relation to how you feel or felt about something as opposed to saying things like ‘you made or you did’ in your talk.
Once you are done relaying your feelings to your Dominant be prepared to wait and allow them time to process everything you just said. Chances are you have given them a lot of information to think about and if you expect a well thought out and honest response you can not rush them in to it. You’ve just taken the time to get your thoughts in order and edit them into a polite effective way of relaying them to your Dominant, allow them the same courtesy.
Part 2 – If your conversation is more of an fyi and less of an issue that needs resolving then try approaching it in that fashion. Try stepping out of your role and just say it in a more matter of fact tone. I will often approach Sir and say “I have some information I think you need to know. I’m not really sure if you realize it or not and I would just like to be sure. I don’t want to be rude and I am NOT trying to tell you what to do, I just feel I need to get this information to you.”
The response I get back is normally to go ahead and just say it. This approach lets Sir know what my intention is ahead of time and therefore there is no confusion about topping or otherwise. As always phrase things as honestly and politely as possible. Most times it is not what you are trying to say that causes the issues but HOW you are saying it.
Open honest communication is extremely important for both parties to be fulfilled in the relationship but no one ever said you couldn’t do it politely and kindly and still get your point across. Use your manners first and foremost and do not rush the other person. Try and take the approach of fixing a problem and finding a solution instead of an accusing and angry outlook.
You might think you are being nice and polite but take a good hard look at what you first wanted to say… there is always a nicer way to say it.